Ditherers Anonymous - Is there ever a right time?

[confuseddoiordonti]

A continuation from the previous two threads we have filled going round in circles about whether to have a baby, or whether never to have a baby... All insights and new recruits welcome!

(and those of you now with BFP's - don't you go sloping off leaving us for more decisive types!)

Definitions courtesy of Dr Honeypetal Sparklepants.

Dither: vb. def. The act of procrastination and delaying of coming to a decision regarding reproduction due to an attachment to lie-ins, working bowels and cheap holidays in term time.

Ditherer: n. def. One who is in a permanent state of flux regarding whether to procreate or not (see def. of babyometer). On the flick of a coin, may ultimately not reproduce, or bear triplets. Whatever. pl. A confusion of ditherers.

Babyometer: def. Semi-quantitative scale upon which an individuals current extent of dithering (i.e. desire to conceive) is measured, commonly red, amber or green, although reddy-amber, greeny-amber and reddy-ambery-green have been described (see def. Dithering). Caution is required during interpretation as measurement may change hourly.

Thanks so much for putting that thought provocking artical on, I read it all a few times and has really made me think.

I have had so many people ask me already when are we starting a family and we have only been married 4 months and I didnt realise how much pressure I felt from friends who have all been pregnant in the 1st year.

Think I might go have a little cry now......

I read that too. There is also a twisted shite version in the Daily Hate.

Have had half a bottle of wine and am now broody. This is par the course. Needless to say, it'll be different in the morning!

Interesting that the emphasis is on the woman not wanting children (though I suppose it was on Woman's (Women's?) Hour after all). I get this all the time - questions on when I'm going to have children and what my decision is. It's like DH doesn't have any part to play at all!

Im not sure how I feel about that other link, just seams to be contradictory in ways I dont fully understand! Just weird!

I know what you mean and there is very little written about how any DP may feel and its always the expected that he wont want it yet, wont be ready and some how its always the woman will always have to talk them in to it!

Well, that's been my experience

I listened to the program, and found it very interesting, while at the same time a bit too close to home.

The researcher, who was the only one who had some hard figures to back up her comments, very specifically and clearly divided the women considering not having children into two groups: the 'ditherers' and those who absolutely knew from a young age that they didn't really want kids. The discussion centered around the second type, which I found frustrating, because to me, knowing you don't want a baby is as much a positive decision as knowing that you do. All I want is to know either way!!

What I also found interesting is that one participant clearly believed in the separation of biology and psychology. That how we feel about the decision to reproduce really isn't just a matter of hormones or whatever, it is based in the head a lot more than people give credit for.

Suerocks point is also a good one. There was a big row kicked off ages ago (do you remember it?) as someone (a BESH, I think) started a discussion about how lots of women are delayed from starting a family by reluctant, think-they-are-22 partners. Yet the media is always full of women leaving it to late, never any discussion about the role of men in all this.

I don't feel any pressure from anyone, family or society, and that plays no role in my decision, but I have every sympathy with anyone who does feel that pressure. Family and friends are a tricky one, but they aren't going to be the ones bringing the child up. And society can feck right off. No-one has the right to judge me about this decision. Except for YTD. I'd do whatever she tells me to xxx

Man. That was heavy. Anyone want a Fondant Fancy?

Yes please for the fondant fancy!

When I am asked if I have kids, which is sometimes followed by a 'ah, not yet then' comment, it makes me adamant I DO NOT want any. I cannot bear the assumption that we should want to as I certainly don't think it is the be all and end all. Perhaps if I was drowing in my own hormones I'd be shagging like a rabbit but I think it is, in my case and clearly everyone's here too, that it is a psychological decision too.

cowboylover while I know too much booze is over 14 units I know for a fact that my intake is far higher (14 units is surprisingly easy to reach!)

Ohhh 14 units!!
Well I usually hide behind the "I only drink once a week" thing but a quick look at the units thing and way more than 14 and now a bringe drinker!

My dithering may be over as got a sneaking suspicion I maybe pregnant already, without going sympton spotting crazy im trying not to think about until im properly late next weekend so I will let you know soon x

Ohmygoodness!! Just logged on and read this post! Why, apart from the obvious, do you think you may be already...? I had a similar last September and nearly drove myself mad symptom spotting (my weird feelings turned out to be associated with a urinary tract infection though, not that I am saying that will be the case with yourself of course...)

I used to try not to drink in the week but that has gone out the window recently with everything else going on.

Anyway, am all excited on your behalf - share if you can!

Thanks!

Well, been sick, achey, spotty, sore boobs, sleepy, tummy cramps and irritable so not that I am checking!

But what ever happens this time I think it has put us out of the dithering catergory as we are both really kinda excited so defo want it to much to be ditherers. Went from on shit, to oh no, to this might be good and to wondering whats goign to happen next x

Ooooh! Sounds promising!

I think that if it happened to any of us ditherers we'd probably get into the idea very quickly, but it's just taking that initial plunge.

How soon can you test? I think I would find it very hard not to test asap but try and leave it as long as you can just so you will definitely have enough hormones floating about tp register.

Am rather excited on your behalf...

Us non-pregnant people are increasingly dwindling in numbers.

Have no fear, I'm still here!! No plunging from me, as after a week of humming and harring, new facts have come to light (financial) that mean that in fact now is not a good time to try after all. So hurrah, pressure off for a few more months!

Am doing massive complex experiment, so obviously am on MN for two mins to relax the brain muscles.

Thanks Confused!

I am now 4 days late but im away for the next 3 weeks on and off so is my DH and seeing very little of each other so I am determinded to wait til im home as I really dont want to be alone when im finding out if positive or a negitive so will be plenty of time by then, trying to get on with my work but hind myself easily distracted by everything baby related x

Hello everyone!
I feel as if we / I have killed the thread with emails so am trying to make more of an effort with posting.

Cowboylover it sounds like you have a great amount of patience. I also think that waiting till you and DH are in the same place at the same time is a very good idea. I don't think I'd want to test when on my own, especially if I wasn't likely to be able to spend some proper time with my DH immediately afterwards. Good luck! Yikes!

HP good luck with the experiment!

We had someone come to look at our house at 5pm on Tuesday and they were still here at 6.20. And then they left the house but kept hanging around outside (I know as DH and dog were also loitering waiting to go back in.) The house ain't that big so can only assume they hugely liked it, although not heard anything yet. Hopefully we will soon - it's about time we had some bloody luck!

Yes the thread has gone quiet, starting to wonder if everyone had stopped dithering and gone for it!!

I am trying to be patient and keep thinking I have been waiting this long and thinking about it and 9 months is a long time to pregnant so I can wait a while to find out and as soon as I know or dont I will want to tell my mum!

I hope the house viewing thing goes well, that does sound positive. I know when we really like somewhere we do tend to loiter for a while and make notes in our little book of good stuff so fingers crossed for you.

No house viewing news or developments as yet. When we bought this house we just 'knew' and wanted to put in an offer before we'd even gone upstairs. Am now starting to wonder if our approach is the exception rather than the rule...

Hope your patience is still nice and thick (as opposed to wearing thin.)

If you are still hanging on, Cowboy, you have the patience of a saint. You must be a week late now? I think if you leave it long enough, the result of the test will just be confirmation of what you already know!

You might hear about the house tomorrow, C, once they have had the weekend to think about it and then wait for the estate agent to open again. If I saw a house on a Friday/Saturday, I might be very tempted to mull it over during the weekend and then ring up first thing Monday morning if I was interested. I guess this is what they mean about the market being slow at the moment. Rubbish for your moving plans, though, I really hope you get sorted soon.

I feel a lot more relieved now that the decision not to have a try has been made. Doesnt really bode well for the future, in terms of if I ever will feel a strong enough desire to go for it. Anyway, I need a new job and to have been in that job long enough to get a reasonable foot in the door and accrue some time served for maternity leave before the decision has to be made.

Cripes. Writing it out like that pretty much confirms that there will be at least 18 months until that day is reached - making me 34 and a half at that point. Also, feels a bit odd hanging around MN when its soooo far away.

But hey, might win the lottery in the meantime and bugger off to New York instead of job hunting!!

I think thats what im hoping for!
To be honest im just so scared of what might or might not be hapening I think I would rather not know at the moment. One thing is for sure I will need my DH close by for a while so I cant wait to see him.

Well, I gave up.

I went to boots for hairbrush and came out with a test and got a BFN.

I am now on my own and devestated still with no AF and no idea what I should do now

I'm sorry to hear that, Cowboy, and I'm sorry you are by yourself. I have no direct experience, but am quite well read from hanging around on MN like a saddo.

Can you possibly have a think about the following, maybe?

1. What's your longest normal cycle length, and have you passed that length now?

1. Do you chart? If not, could you have ovulated later than normal and you didn't realise? Delayed ovulation would mean delayed period (I'm having this this month, ov'd four days later than usual due to stress). Or it could be you are pregnant and it's still too early to pick up.

1. If you are way passed your usual cycle length, and you are sure you didn't ovulate late, you can go to the doctors and ask them to do a pregnancy test by blood test. That would give you a definite answer either way.

Take care, try to speak to DH, if you can, he might make you feel better.

Bugger, bugger, bugger. I didn't check the postings last night so have only just seen the recent developments. Really sorry to hear it Cowboylover. I know when I started to suspect I was and got all nervously excited I was pretty pissed off when it turned out to be nothing. Like youself, I wasn't actively trying to but once I started to feel odd etc I hugely came round to the idea.

Sending you a big hug xxx

No news on the house front yet, which is weird considering. I've close to lost interest in the whole thing really, it seems to have been dragging on that long!

Thanks both, have called in some short notice holidays and on my way to see DH for 4 days tomorrow!

HP: Been thinking and dont even remember
ovulating this month at all so maybe I didnt?
I dont chart but might think of starting?
I am way over my normal cycle length but had a huge amount of stress this month with house, finance, loss of my nan and role change in work so wouldnt be suprising if that has caused an issue.

I wish I thought of all the other reasons it could have been before me and DH got over excited about being pregnant.

Good news about the holiday, and seeing DH, I'm sure you will feel loads better after talking things through in person and getting a cuddle. I hope you find out either way soon, it must be tough waiting.

Who could blame you for thinking absent period = high chance of pregnancy? Until I read TCOYF that's what I would have immediately assumed. Apparently most women have an anovulatory cycle every 1-2 years, where you don't ovulate, your body gets a bit stuck and then you have a small fake period. Or it really could be that you ovulated a lot later in the cycle this month.

I was amazed at how my stress the day before ovulation stopped it in it's tracks and delayed it for four days. You sound like you have had a very stressful month, I'm really sorry about your Nan.

I have seen people post on here who have taken ages after a missed period to get a BFP, so it could still be a matter of time.

Regards charting, I get on really well with it so would recommend it but if you want to keep some of the mystery and romance of TTC going for a while yet, maybe have a think about doing it in a few months.

Cowboylover, am off to bed now but just wanted to say I'm sorry about your nan too. Glad you can wrangle some short notice holiday too and get away from things. x

Happy Threadiversary ladies, it's one year today since C launched the Hamlet thread (I think)!

It's been a great year, and I am glad we met

Hurrah!

And how many of us have made a decision...? Er, four?