Ditherers Anonymous - Is there ever a right time?

[confuseddoiordonti]

A continuation from the previous two threads we have filled going round in circles about whether to have a baby, or whether never to have a baby... All insights and new recruits welcome!

(and those of you now with BFP's - don't you go sloping off leaving us for more decisive types!)

Definitions courtesy of Dr Honeypetal Sparklepants.

Dither: vb. def. The act of procrastination and delaying of coming to a decision regarding reproduction due to an attachment to lie-ins, working bowels and cheap holidays in term time.

Ditherer: n. def. One who is in a permanent state of flux regarding whether to procreate or not (see def. of babyometer). On the flick of a coin, may ultimately not reproduce, or bear triplets. Whatever. pl. A confusion of ditherers.

Babyometer: def. Semi-quantitative scale upon which an individuals current extent of dithering (i.e. desire to conceive) is measured, commonly red, amber or green, although reddy-amber, greeny-amber and reddy-ambery-green have been described (see def. Dithering). Caution is required during interpretation as measurement may change hourly.

I haven't popped by for a bit, and am at work, but just needed to say that I'm being an excellent ditherer.

Had my implanon taken out 2 weeks ago (had to wait 6 weeks for the appointment). I've made an appointment with the doctor for Friday to go on the pill. I can't cope with being out of control. I don't want implanon again because it takes so long to get appointments. Far too 'long-term' even though in actual fact it's less likely to shut your ovaries down.

Partly why the change of mind AGAIN is that we've been given two months' notice the landlord wants to sell the flat. We've only been there 4 months after being moved on from the last place because the landlord wanted access themselves. I just feel like life is too uncertain.

I've also just been offered a new job which I'll be starting in a month's time.

Froglover I'm with you on white - just carrying on and not thinking of children recently. But at the same time am equally jealous/repulsed by the 6 month pregnant woman at work.

This is so confusing. I want certainty, and security and I feel like I will never have it.

Poor you Fancy with all that moving around. I know what you mean about certainty and security. I hope you do find it! Congrats on the new job.
For me, I think I just want to know when and how it will all work out, without going through it all....As long as I know what's coming then I'd be happy to wait (well, sort of). It's the not knowing that I struggle with.

Morning, I've been reading this thread for a bit and would like to join as a ditherer. I am 36 and had my implant removed last week. It was due to come out anyway and DH and myself have decided not to replace it, and not to think about it too much; if it happens it happens. Problem is, I am the most impatient, least casual and spontaneous person ever, and am already wondering when I should do a test (how else am I to know when to stop drinking wine?) and how to know when I am ovulating so that I can have sex in the correct position and then flip onto my head for half a hour. I also worry that I am too old, overweight, boozy, selfish, lazy, unsociable and tense to have a successful pregnancy, let alone become the hippy, wafty, serene earth mother I wish to be. Ho hum.

Hi Sparklywine. Welcome to the Ditherers, I'm new myself, still dithering around. Am trying to convince DH that we could just give up on the contraception and "see what happens" but he knows me too well and can see that I (like you, it seems) would be completely unable to take a relaxed approach and would have The Window all worked out and get stressed out over it all.

Hello all, and here comes another newbie! Must be the season. I suppose I am not really a ditherer, as we have pretty much decided to go for it. Well, we have definitely decided, as we have an appointment at a fertility clinic. I do occasionlly obsess about it, but I think it's more because it is not happening. I seem to change between two extremes: feeling frightened that it may never happen or worried that I am doing it just out of pressure (and sometimes, shamefully, competitivness). I am also very ambitious, and know I can find personal fulfillment in other things. I am a bit all over the place with my career at the moment and I think that is not helping. I also really do not have The Urge, and the whole idea of pregnancy / childbrith kinda freaks me out. The idea of a toddler does fill me with joy, especially with my hubby, who I think would be a very gentle father. Maybe that is the problem: I think of the baby (and pregnancy) stage as kind of my own responsibility and I feel better about it when I think of it as our family unit. Hmm, I think I just reached into the new depths of my subconsciousness there! Sorry for blabbing everyone! I think I needed to pour it all out!

Welcome Fairy! Babble away. We all do it from time to time!

Welcome Fairy!
We sound very similar, I am not strictly a ditherer as am not taking contraception and am sneakily cycling my legs in the air after the act, haha! I too lack 'The Urge' in that I don't have any massively overriding desire to have a baby; part of me is dreading the mardy teenager it will inevitably become, which is a bit pre-emptive I admit. I am quite seduced with the idea of snuggling my own baby in a sling and being all nurturey. I've tried the subsitute route, I have 2 kittens and thought that would be the end of it, but they actually seem to have started something off. I am a great parent to those cats! More than anything I think perhaps I am trying to create a lovely family structure around me; my hubby too is the antithesis of me, kind, calm and gentle, perfect dad material and I know he'd love a baby. I want adoring grandparents 9they are lined up), bonding sister (ditto), cute niece (2 yrs old next month, also waiting in the wings), cats frollicking, tinkly laughter, barbecue on the go, perhaps some bunting wafting in the summer breeze.......think I have lost it! Definitely felt Red over winter when all I wanted to do was drink red wine and eat sausage casserole. Cath Kidston sale starts today, website has crashed, so bunting on hold.

Ha, ha, Sparkly, you are way ahead of me! No perfect family around, apart from hubby and a grandmother who would be extreeeeemely loving but too much so, and very pushy (think Woody Allen movies). She, my mother, is the reason I feel I may be pushed into it. I also don't have your nurturey desires, so I think you are ripe and ready to go!

Maybe it's a London thing too - hard to imagine that idylic thing in London. Where are you based?

Love the idyllic scene! Welcome Fairy and Sparklywine!

My DH really has great vision when it comes to that, I have already mentally worked out how I want the nursery to look (with sketches to prove it) We have agreed that we would like to move before we have children but as my greenness increases im house dreams are compromising more but DH is still totally focused! I was so proud last week on a viewing when he commented he wouldnt be able to relax with his children being in a garden with so many steps! I have to abmit that we me about 30 houses ago now I just want a house in a better area than ours.

Actually Cowboy, a recent house move might have triggered something too. We moved just before Christmas from a horrible area (high street was a Wilkinsons and a Meat Mart - say no more) to a scrunchie-free zone (Manchester as you ask, Fairy). Birds sing, neighbours say good morning and lend you their hedge trimmer, there is a deli, and the kids (sporting lacrosse sticks and big posh hair) are called Pandora and Nathaniel and don't hang out in mobs scaring the shit out of you. It has restored my faith in the basic goodness of human nature and made me more ready to bring a little one into the world. We've got a lovely garden (one step) and 3 bedrooms; although one is ours, one is a guest/dressing room, and one is DH's computer room. Guess which one is earmarked for the nursery! Well, he has a shed. I've decided that I was foolish to think I could have got pregnant after 4 days of trying, having read that it takes women of my age an average of 3 years, so felt better about having a couple of glasses of wine last night. Camping at the weekend which always makes me broody, it seems even more fun with kids, likewise swimming baths and parks.

Well, I have to say that scene makes me broody too Sparkleton, but where on earth do I find that in London!!?? And still be able to afford it... I am sure you will be pregnant very soon given the idyllic environement!

Hi old-timers and hello to the new people around (though with the amount of time i've been gone, i'm the new one again and you guys are old-timers!)
i'm sorry i've stayed away from the board for so long. so much has been going on with me (nothing positive i'm afraid, but will spare everyone the horrid details) that i've just not been able to get myself to discuss dithering. the concept of TTC could not be further right now. and i believe i am at a point where DH wants to TTC but i am the one who cannot agree to that right now when things are not the way i need them to be.
i'm sorry about the long absence.
i promise i'm not dead! or cameron diaz!
will read through the thread tomorrow.

Hello, another newbie here. I've been dittering for a few months already, sometimes sad, sometimes relieved, at the arrival of AF.

If I was not about to turn 35 I would be more relaxed about waiting a couple of years, but you read averywhere how fertility nosedive after 35. So it's A "now or never" situation and I'm neither for now or for never.

DP quite broody but of course he's not the one who'll have the sickness, the strech marks and of course, the labour. We already have a DD so I know what I'm talking about.

Glad to read I'm not the only one in this boat! I was starting wondering why I do not get 'the urge'.

Hi all,

Seagreen - great to see you back. But very sorry to hear you've been having what sounds like a very rough time. Really hope things begin to improve a bit, and your DH is supportive. Could be tricky if he's keen to TTC and you're less so at the moment, but hopefully in the bigger picture it's a good thing that he's keen or at least interested? Thinking of you, anyway.

Hello all newcomers - I'm not really supposed to be on here any more in one sense, as for those that don't know, I'm pregnant after IVF. But dithered away right up until the BFP, and to be honest still dither away rather fruitlessly now - I still think one would never procreate if one was entirely rational, but somehow my less rational side has taken over. I don't know what kind of example I present - I'm 38, and was TTC (rather casually for the first couple of years, in the sense of no timing, plenty of drinking, lots of time apart from DH) for four years w/out 'success' (if you can call it that!). So in one sense I'd say don't leave it too late. I was lucky to get away with it, if we have (touches all available wood). On the other hand, I can see the full force of arguments that say there is no need to ever do it unless you have a very strong desire - I don't think I'll seriously, deeply regret it, but I also think I'll be constantly hankering after the good old days when I was my own boss and I had time to spend with DH and friends.

All I can say is very best of luck with your decisions. I felt just the same as many of you (viz Sparklywine and Zidonie for instance - though it must be a bit different if you have a child as Z does, and you know what you're letting yourself in for). I am happy to be pregnant at this stage, and excited about the future, but I also know full well I will at times be terrified and wish strongly that I'd never embarked on the whole thing (Phase 2 of labour, for a start, but also before then - and certainly after). So no help at all, basically.

Hope in particular that the other difficulties some of you are having with work and housing etc. resolve themselves as far as possible - it's never just whether to have a child or not, is it? All best with it all!

I'm on another dither.... Having been bright green for weeks now (which DH blames MN for completely as in "if you weren't reading about it all the time you wouldn't want one half as much!") I'm now slipping back through amber. Not sure why. I had a college reunion over the weekend and met up with super-successful friends which reminded me that I'm quite good at my job really and have quite a bit of momentum going at the moment. Perhaps now isn't the time to take maternity leave.
~sigh~

Ahh Eskarina... I know that feeling and it was my manager who was brought it up with me for reasurance I suppose when I was discussing one of my team that progression and momentum come from the individual and if you want it enough you can do both!

Fingers crossed for you... I have spent months working out what time of year is it best for me to go on maternity eg would I miss APR's IPR's the Christmas sales push ect ect

Thanks cowboylover. I'm sure it can work sid by side, but there are a lot of compromises to make along the way, both career wise and family wise.
I also feel somewhat ridiculous trying to work out when to start ttc so that it has minimum impact on the school - if I had a July baby then the school holiday would be six weeks when they don't have to cover me. Then I shake myself and remind myself that women have fought (politically) for decades to win the maternity rights I'm entitled to so I should stop worrying if the school can cope!

Hi everyone,
Bumping this one back up as it's been ages since I last posted.
How's everyone getting on with The Big Decision? And, those who are now upduffed, how's it all going...? Do we have any proper bumps yet?!

Hello m'dear! Just dropped by myself as I'm working (yes, on a Sunday night, sucks to be me) and thought I would distract myself have a break and check out a bit of MN. And here you are!

No big news from me (I would have emailed you anyway, if there was!). Had my operation, it wasnt fun but went really well, fingers crossed for nothing dodgy with the results, but the crap news is that I have to go for another one quite soon. Never mind. And I got my gynae appointment through, not long till that as well. Still symptom-tastic, so hope they can help me.

Where is YTD, I miss her, and everyone else as well Its been ages. Hope they are all ok.

Tonnes of new people, really sorry but I havent read through the posts yet as, well, Im meant to be working.....

Working, eh?!

Presume the operation was the dermatologist one? Under local anaesthetic? I have something I'd like removed for peace of mind but have had it dismissed by GP. Am tempted to go back for another 'discussion' but, as I am far from impressed by my GP's practice, I probably won't till we move.

Talking of which, I have no news on the house buying / moving whatsoever. Fucking great. DH now getting into overdrive painting things that don't need painting and removing all our pics to 'de-personalise' the house. We now have a pale lounge too as some viewers, who clearly don't know they can paint rooms whatever colour they want if they buy the house, didn't like it (was a brown colour on the chimney breast and in the two alcoves.)

Am very curious to see what happens at the gynae appt, especially as you're still so symptom-tastic. Hope it's nothing too tricky to resolve.

Have given up working for this evening. Experiment tomorrow is in the hands of the Gods, because frankly, Im bored of it and dont actually care.

So he's painting again, huh? Well, at least the house is on the market this time and he's not delaying the valuation. As long as he doesnt spend too much, it may serve to keep him occupied, maybe? The market seems to be perplexing again, no-one appears to have a clue what is going to happen over the next year. Have you heard from the other-house-guy? Fingers crossed its still all ok, I'm keeping everything crossed that the pieces fall into place for you.

I would definitely go back to the docs to have a look at your piece-of-mind freckle, and you cant be too careful, but if they say its ok I wouldn't be in a huge rush to get it whipped off either. It wasn't a bad experience, and I'm not dreading the next one, but it was a surprisingly large lump of flesh that was removed. That's not to say anyone should not go to the docs to be checked out, they 100% should. The fact I needed some surgery is proof everyone should be peered at and assessed.

Gynae appointment will be a relief. Im swimming in EWCM, strong smells and nausea, and bloated to hell.

I have to go and have a bath without getting wet

I know what you mean! Its so annoying that some people just cant see past a single thing in a house! Everytime someone comes in and goes ohhh thats a nice piano, ahh what a nice TV and I want to scream its coming with with us so look at the bloody size of the room you ideiot and theres even a nice view but not sure how that would go down with prospective buyers?

My dithering my have increased now as we have seen an old bungalow that needs loads of work before we even consider having children there x Still very green through as DH was saying how much children of the future would love the huge 'adventure' garden!

Indeed. Bloody muppets.

Good morning all,

just a short message to say that I'm going to be ducking out of the thread for a little while for several reasons:

1. I'm going on holiday for two weeks this weekend (YAY) so will be too busy drinking sangria and eating grilled sardines and squid to lurk around on MN

1. (probably more important than reason number 1) My dithering ended abruptly on Friday when my boss informed me that I am on a shortlist of employees to be considered for a sponsored MBA in a prestigious business school. This would mean two years of part-time study + work + a commitment of around 5 years to the company when the MBA is over. Obviously, this would be completely incompatible with having a baby any time in the near future and when I sat down and thought about it, I realised that I would much rather take the MBA route.

So there it is - priorities sorted. In any case, I'm still young so even if I take the MBA route, once it is over and I've done my time I'll still be in my mid thirties so it won't be too late if my biological clock starts ticking.

Obviously, given the nature and definition of dithering, I reserve the right to change my mind and be back on here three weeks from now umm-ing and ahh-ing again

In the mean time, I wish you all health, happiness and bouncing bundles of joy if that is what you decide you want. I'll probably read the thread from time to time, just to see how you are getting on (see - the dithering has already started again...)

Good luck Frog Lover!
That is a great opportunity so I hope it goes well for you x