OK, so I've tried to write down to the doctor just how badly the infertility's taking it's toll on us now and how desperate I am for some help finally (will hopefully be there again for my weight check tonight assuming the dentist doesn't overrun):
^Am writing this all down so that I hope someone will take seriously just how bad a state I?m in because of the infertility issues. I feel like I?ve been screaming for months, getting closer and closer to breaking point but no one?s really taken on board just how desperate we?re getting for some help with this ? a pat on the back and being sent away to lose more weight really isn?t helping us at all anymore.
I can?t sleep ? I generally lie awake trying not to cry for hours, finally drop off for less than a couple of hours at a go, then wake back up to repeat it again and again ? every single night, and the only thing on my mind is ?will I ever get pregnant, what more can I do to get pregnant, I can?t dig any deeper to lose the weight faster.?
Emotionally I?m a wreck ? I?m unable to function around babies and small children now ? I?ve had to leave the room when one comes in, I have to sit and filter any photos of them I might come across on the internet; friends sending me well-intentioned scan photos can set me off sobbing for hours. I?ve started to avoid any places I might come across happy families ? which is essentially meaning my life is relegated to go to work ? come home ? venture out to Tesco when I absolutely HAVE to. Everywhere else I go there?s children and babies and I just feel so angry and bitter that I don?t trust myself to function around them outside of a work context. I avoid going shopping, to the cinema ? I?ve even had to take a break from helping at the Brownies because one of the leaders is pregnant and I just can?t look at her without feeling like I?m going to explode.
The sheer level of anger and jealousy I?m feeling is so overwhelming ? I don?t trust myself with it anymore. I can?t even hide it these days and I?m scared I?m going to do something stupid with it ? lash out, either verbally or physically (I?ve had nightmares where I lose it completely and do this). I HATE pregnant women and those with babies, I?ve actually started wishing them dead... I hate feeling like that ? it?s all so bloody unfair that we can?t get any help at all and they can churn kids out by dropping their knickers.
I?ve said before that I?m not sure how much longer I can go on trying with the weight loss without any hope of getting some help for the infertility ? I don?t think it got taken seriously ? I got pushed along my way with promises of help in the future ? despite sitting there sobbing that I couldn?t keep going with it much more. Now I?m there, I?m completely at that wall and I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE IN ME TO KEEP SLOGGING THROUGH TRYING TO LOSE THE WEIGHT while dealing with the mess that I?m in because of years of the infertility rubbish and with no hope of getting any help for it. I feel like I?m a donkey with someone walking behind me dangling a carrot in front of me to see how far along the road they can tease this poor animal before the animal snaps. I really really cannot cope without any help or answers or even just glimmers of progress for the infertility ? not my weight ? the infertility is the problem making my life an utter miserable hell for very much longer ? I?m having increasingly black thoughts of self-harm or suicide, mainly suicide, and it?s all because the situation with having a child is as hopeless now as it was back years ago. I know I got pregnant and then lost it ? but the thought of another three years to get pregnant again ? I CANNOT do that.
It?s not fair on C that he has to live with his wife sat at the top of the stairs sobbing night after night that she can?t face another day of feeling like this ? it?s placing a colossal strain on our relationship and marriage, and I?m AT breaking point over this ? I can?t concentrate on anything, I can?t sleep, anything I eat is becoming an increasingly screwed up battleground with me trying to put as little into my mouth as possible.
There HAS to be something that can be done, some tests, anything ? just something to prod us a little along the line and even up the odds so we can get an end to this hell. I know I?m overweight, therefore subhuman and unworthy of licking the shoes of the NHS but this is just completely cruel and inhuman to make me go through month after month of this for years at a time. We have no way of affording anything private ? I wish to god we did ? all we?re asking is for just a little help and a glimmer of hope (we?re not asking for miracles, IVF or whatever ? just SOME help and some answers), before I?m too old and the odds stack even further against us. Please try to find something to help us ? please... I?ve been doing everything asked of me, but it?s like trying to carve a sculpture with a toothpick in how slow and painful the progress is.
I apologize for writing all of this down ? but I wanted to try to get across to you, without me just sobbing incoherently (which has achieved absolutely nothing) just how badly the infertility has pushed us (particularly me) to a point where I?m actually terrified I?m going to break completely.^
He's been saying for months that if I showed a consistent weight loss, he was prepared to try to push the fertility bods to override the NHS BMI guidelines and offer us some help - I guess this is my pathetic plea to try to see how prepared he is to put his money where his mouth is and do that... anything would be a help, just getting some answers would be a start - even a WHY it's so hard for us to get pregnant.