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[Muser]

Subscribe now for 24 hour buzwamcam footage! Sit back, relax, and admire these 30 something women go menkul during the 2WOOFL. Hot men and cold cocktails on tap.

Thanks ead you actually made me smile there. Which was a surprise...

Overall this is my 3rd mc in the past year. And next month is the anniversary of the worst one,the missed miscarriage that I knew nothing about til the 12 week scan (sorry for the endless repetition all those who have heard that 2211222379 times)

so I have thoroughly lost the 'onwards n upwards' indomitable British spirit. I just can't be arsed to keep putting myself through this shit. Although I will keep putting myself through it I know...

Interestingly this time I seem to be blaming myself for the mc. Which is productive and useful obviously.

Could somebody kindly punch me in the face? Ta muchly.

How was that? We Essex girls are bred mean and strong. Here, have your front teeth back.

The punch was for self-blame, but you can have this for the remainder.

This is the ghastly thing 'bout TTC and testing: if we didn't know what was going on we'd just think, heh, that period was a day late, how curious.

Is foul. And I think Mother Natures specifically hates women, for all the little tricks that go on (and see my mentalist month, with bleeding mid-cycle, so that for a long time I was so hopeful that even when the droid arrived bang on time I still googled 'stripy baby-grows and I'm not even joking).

Oh look I'm making everything worse! Shall I come down to the Pit too? I'm thinking of kidnapping Ralph Fiennes and chaining him up down there. Don't judge me: I've always had a weakness for old men with cruel faces.

Yeah you're right re testing. Although I'm a few days late now (was)

and annoyingly I suddenly knew I was pg (familiar stuff kicked in...)

the last 2 mcs were later,specially the first one obv...but this still feels shit. Mostly because I no longer believe my stupid fucking body knows how to have a successful pregnancy.

You're welcome to join me in the pit,you can keep the menfolk for yourself though am not even slightly interested even on a virtual level. Yes reader,I am that depressed.

Cheers for the bloody Mary though mate. Breakfast of champions.

Nobody else remembered about the clocks, right? So it's quiet in here? Good.

I am so sorry. It's too fucking shit and my absolute worst nightmare to be found in that position for the 3rd time. I wish I could make it better for you.

Thanks muse oh I have something in my eye...or hayfever...or something.

I know I was 'barely' pg this time,but it's still a fucking kick in the teeth. And worse cos I didn't tell mr gin bout the test. In fact I told him I wouldn't test yet. Twat.

Ho hum.

So sorry ginny.

Oh gin you poor sow This is so Not Fair ..
Please be kind to yourself for the next few days and make sure that involves plenty of cushions and gin. We'll be here with our baseball bats and glasgow kisses when you feel like popping your head up from the pit.

Skweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezies to you.

Just looked at bastard fucking test again. The line is actually a lot stronger than the one before Xmas,just still not as strong as I wanted....

Not that it means anything now. I still keep trying to think it could be ok,bit that's what made it so awful last time,the fact that I kept hoping. And it most likely isn't gonna be alright. In fact if I can be at all objective (HA!!) I'm pretty much certain it has all gone to shit.

Ps I am officially allowed shit spelling,grammar,syntax and even fucking lazy arse txt spk today if I fucking want.

Of course you're still thinking it will be ok. That's what we do. I do think you should tell Mr Gin what's going on. You need someone to look after you.

Text speak and craply punctuate (and even spelling) all you like. Poor Gin.

I'm very sorry. Take good care of yourself

My poor Ginster'spastie There is the chance it will be fine - I think it was Bessie who said she had bleeding at the time of her droid but was still pg. But you know your own body and you know what's what, don't you. I wish there was anything we could say and do to help, but all the care in the world won't give you what you want I second that you should tell Mr Gin. Forget that you promised him you wouldn't test this early; he loves you and you are a team and he will want to give you lots of loving and support. If you keep it to yourself then blurt it out in distress at a later date, he'll be hurt you didn't share at the time. And why deny yourself his caring?

And stop beating yourself up over 'blame' - you have done NOTHING to make this shite happen. Have you been punching yourself repeatedly in the womb and shoving knitting needles up your hoohaa? NO, so please don't think any of this is your fault.

It's time to get onto your GP/consultant and get the ball rolling with testing. This is the 3rd time you'd had to deal with this hell and you need answers (and treatment to stop it ever happening again).

But for the moment, be kind to yourself. Don't hide it all in, go and get lots of love and cuddles, have a wail, do the things that you find pampering and have this huuuuuuuuuuuuge hug from me So, so sorry, old pal

Oh gin. U cn do wt u lk 2day lolz.

(I have not the first notion if that is how the kids do it).

I am with Muse, who obviously took her wise pills this morning. Share it with MrG. There is no earthly reason why you should cope with this alone (not, of course, that with a posse of BESHes armed to the teeth, you are alone at all).

PS Please to take this Special Dispensation card to spell and punctuate however you want. i Lv u XO XO

'fessed up.was for the best we are generally very very honest.

In beer garden with mooch n mr gin. 2nd pint of red stripe. Feel remarkably pished. Not crying yet...

Glad you fessed up. Have another drink.

I'm going to curl up here in the pit too. Completely lost it this morning and wept all over the Mr. I wish I cried
like the glamourous ones in the movies. Not all red faced and snotty and disgusting.

When am I going to feel normal again?

Mate,it takes time. You've only just got the hcg back to zilch. And you've focussed on that for so long,there's a whole bunch of emotional shit now waiting to bite you on the arse...

Is shit. But grief/loss/shite times are fucking hard to deal with,and also tend to hit you in waves so can take you somewhat by surprise...

Smooches to ya buddy. And do ya fancy dong some 'salttequilalime' silliness with me? Just til we both fall over and pass out

Ps I also do drooling,snotting,gurny-face crying.

Glad you fessed up GinnyReckon. And glad MrG is the sort that can be happily fessed up to.

Oh Musical - when I cry I get a rash on my forehead. No word of a lie. Plus, I have anxiety-induced asthma, so if I cry too much, it's hunt the inhaler or off to Casualty.

Luvver, what Muse said. You've only just reached that target of getting the HCG down. You'll need a lickle wee while to get your head round that. Then you can start dispensing the menkul and getting all calm and serene again.

gin
really sorry to hear your news.

By the way,thanks everyone for the messages. Makes a big difference knowing you lots are around. Or,you know,wotevaaaah. Am hard as fuckin nails me

scorp I lvs u2 (not the band.though I did have my first snog,aged 13,in doc martens 2 sizes too big for me,to the strains of 'with or without you'. Got a lovebite,got grounded.oh the drama)

Thanks guys. It is such a rollercoaster, I start thinking I'm ok and then for no reason I just crash. It doesn't feel like it's recent, it feels like I ought to be back to normal. And seems like everyone else in the world thinks I ought to be ok.

I'm not sure I ever can really be ok though. I am actually kind of terrified of the point where we can try again. Because I don't think I can go through this again. And at what point do you stop worrying? How are you meant to have a relaxed pregnancy when you know what can happen?

Maybe I should just get kittens.

muse I may be the wrong person to cheer you up right now..sorry. In,y'know,facts n figures n all there is no reason why it won't be fine next time. But I totally understand the worry,and the worry that you won't stop worrying.

Fancy a disco biscuit luvver?

Fuck me we could do with a few more people in the palace this evening

Gives ginhag a bucket of absinthe........

I've had a lovely lunch/afternoon with extended family and then had to go back to my sour-faced mum and listen to her moan about them all (she didn't go....she never socialises with them).....and i am trying to get back to the happy place i was in this afternoon and get over my mother trying to inflict her insecurities onto everyone else.

I live in fear of turning into my mother.