The BESH 30's TTC: "Shall I get me rat out, Doctor?"

[ChoChoSan]

The Palace is open and the anti-freeze is flowing - Blue Bols 50p a shot! Two for one on Archers and orange, for the classy BESHies (the ones who keep their hats on whilst undergoing an internal examination).

We have Vampire Bill and Brian Cox in the Dungeon, and David Mitchell and Brian Eno tending the bar....

poopy I had a very messy,complicated and essentially doomed affair with an utterly utterly gorgeous,slightly mad artist who looked very like angel. And he used to paint pictures of me all the time (which weirdly the boyf at the time didn't notice/chose to ignore...)

it ended in tears. Shame as he was a sweetheart as well as amazingly handsome.

But then mr gin came along and all was good I've actually found a relationship I can be arsed to stick with! Properly that is...y'know,monogamy n all that shiz...

I liked it when our questionnaire used to ask 'who would play you in a sitcom..' Aah scorp me ol' mucker,those was the days...

Oh scorp also mmm I liked that pic better!

twink not sure...jizzybizz normally smells less pleasant the morning after than my lovely foofjuice does tho...

Hi Cokie, welcome to the Fred. Answers please, and by the way, with a 'user' name like that, can we assume the palace might now have it's own In-house dealer?

'Shall I get me rat out is Scorps most sophisticated chat up line... Well it worked for me, and I see myself as her 'spiritual bridesmaid'.

Hey yeah,line up the babydust cokie,make mine a fat one

And I would have to be played by the women who plays Suzie in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I would've been played by tamsin greig...but vag got there first. So I am played by Christa Miller (Jordan in Scrubs)

1. Yes of course, but only really Bombay Saphire or Plymouth (although not really picky). However I would rather do supermarket own than that Gordon's as it is too associated with that prick Ramsay

2. A cougar. Mr Cokie is a whole 30 days my junior, he pays most of the bills and has a better job than me

3. c I hope. Although sometimes there is a miss and as classy as I am it slips into b (I can't believe I just admitted that)

4. POAS! fuck baby dust, what the fuck??

5)er I have no idea (Star Wars ain't my bag) so will guess b

6)is that an euphemism for something? If not, then a shade of white

7)a jungle cat that fights and a soft as shit cat that doesn't - so 2

8. oh my, Philip Schofield (WTF was that gopher thing though?)

9. Billy Piper in "secret diary of a call girl", more her character and not her.

10. do I have to? I want (but never get) a massive winnebago for festival purposes, otherwise I only do five star.

11. both ii and iii
    have you seen how much that clear blue monitor cost and how much those piss sticks you shove in the clear blue monitor are?
    i am thinking of finding a supplier/dealer from China and setting up my own ebay shop. Could make a mint I reckon.

How about flamming drambuies all round (assuming I pass)?

You get my vote Cokie. Correct answer to Q10, amusingly honest answer to Q3. Good work for a newbie.

Oooh Miss, Miss I know the answer Miss: spunk is clear, slimy and sticky. Fertile fanny juice is clear, slimy, sticky and stretchy. Did I get it right? Do I win a baayybbeeee?

Cokie, "slips" into??!! That's funny.

ok fair point.. "stabs at"

Fanks Lyra was hoping there was an answer that didn't involve sniffing the contents of my knickers in the morning! You definitely win a baybee.

Yeah, FFS is like elastic and stuff. I recall in my early years playing with it in horrified fascination.

DROIDAGE. Ho hum. What annoys me is all those teenagers that get diffed by doing what I did/didn't do ("BUT 'E PULLED AHT AN' EVERYFINK, I DUNNO 'HOW IT FARKING 'APPENED!").

But obviously that way the menkul lies so imma gonna go to bed and plan seduction of OM next month...

FFJ FFS.

Spunk is actually quite stretchy...

You had an exciting early life, eh, Eadcase?

Nah, just teasing - I too remember thinking: 'what's this malarky... oooh, dunno if that's gross or funky'. Sadly, is a little bit less plentiful and stretcheriffic than then, but on the other hand, nowadays I don't think waist-length crimped hair and black lipstick is a good idea, so it's swings and roundabouts.

Welcome OkieCokie. Now you've put your left foot in, don't take your left foot out again. Oh, I crack myself up, so I do. Sadly don't crack anyone else up, ho hum

Am sat despondent with grrrrrr after foolishly watching '8 boys and wanting a girl' on Ch 4. I feel sorry for their pain, as a) I have a strong gender preference (won't say which) and b) they're clearly v sad about it all, but it's a bit fucking much watching women with gazillions of children having a boohoo about not getting a girl. The woman with 8 boys was crying about how at 43 it was taking her a bit of time to get pg again and how her life was a nightmare cos she couldn't have the girl she dreams of. Cheer up love and drink this nice, refreshing glass of STFU. All the families had very rigid, stereotyped notions of gender and can't help thinking if all the little boys hadn't been so deliberately forced to be near-parodies of boyhood then the women wouldn't feel so alone in a sea of man-twattery and the need for a 'princess' would recede. Ungrateful caaaaaahs; everyone knows I'm only 2 droids away from going 100% snookerloopy and taking to lovingly carrying round a used sanitary towel in a(n organic) babygro.

Always-Ultra is such a good unisex name.

Hey, am I the only BESH woofling at the moment... Or is everyone else hiding their light under a bushel?

Well I had a couple of months trying to avoid the two weeks if madness after defcon1 lunacy pre-Xmas, so I am happy to go it alone this month, if no one else has the stomach for it.

Hello all,

Have not read all the posts, as this fred moves along quicker than Alex Reids PR campaign.

Muser wanting to send you an ear twist and a lickle squeeze to say I am thinking of you. I know its a bit rich this familarity from a newbie, but I start as I mean to go on.

Cho I am also 2WOOFL, droid due next Thursday. We prob have not been SWI enough. The man about the house has been so keen on the SWI that if I even look at him, glance or whatever, he's dragging me up the stairs by my short and curlys. Going to have to lock myself in the bathroom at this rate.

Bet you all a round of double flaming Sambuca's that my bitch of a bitching droid shows up. Bang on time. Bastard.

Bugger me, look what one night at work (following by a swift exit to bed) does.

Congrats to ivy, get yersel over to PESH when your man stops vomming his appreciation.

Welcome cokehead (so it's not our wit or TTC knowledge that brings them in, just our ability to link to fit menfolk)

Right, silver and cho is you are on the 2WOOFL we need details. You can't just tell us it's time, we need to know what's happening... please? [Casp needs to get a life emoticon]

I'm getting really old. I sat in a room full of approx 19-year-olds last night and they all looked (and sounded) about 11. But they were drinking and everyfink.

Okay ShortnCurly,

7DPO today...

symptom 1: Painful breasts, and that refers to even those areas that I don't keep poking to see if they are sore.

Symptom 2: Waking up feeling very very mildly nauseous...this has been happening for 3 days now (hmmm...looks at calendar), BUT I think that is a symptom that I have experienced in the past that I can fairly describe as psychosomatic .

Also, never really had morning sickness with previous diffments, though that might be because they were both ickleanglebaybeezinheaven and therefore not strong enough to make me too sick.

I think its all in the breasts, actually....if in 5 days time they are just two throbbing orbs that have gone up to DD, then mebbe I can win a baybeeeee?

Know what you mean about feeling old Gasper, I am now at the age where I think that everyone younger than 22 is simply glowingly beautiful, even if they have got acne, terrible clothes etc...I shouldn't really be putting this down in writing in case it's used as evidence when Scorps and I get caught sniffing bicycle seats down at the local Boys' sixth form college...

Morning ladeez.

Congrats ivy I would nekkid dance but its so cold in the office I think I may take someone's eye out.

Welcome cokie very interesting BESH test. You sound right up our alley (fnar fnar).

Soooo, had "letter" from the Assisted Reproduction Unit (catchy) yesterday. Its more of a fucking inch thick package TBH. The boyf & I need to add photos - presumably passport types, not "this is me & my Mai Thai cocktail on sun kissed beach" type. Also need to answer questions such as how long we've been together. Yeah, how does "fuck off & just give me Clomid" sound?

Anyhoo, droid about to disappear, I'm not too fussy when it comes to rugby players - (Chabel, Ryan Jones, Lee Byrne, the lovely Rob Sidoli) so hopefully there'll be plenty of bedroom action this weekend after watching the rugby. Of maybe sofa action whilst watching the rugby..........

gin I have to like rugby & rugby players. I'm Welsh. Its mandatory. My Nan (head of the Taffia) would strike me out of her will if I started a conversation "So, David Beckham........" (although in secret, I would)

Morning redlaurieyellowlaurie,

Just send the ARU that photo of you avec cocktail, and the one of your fella that his mates took when he fell asleep drunk and they shaved his eyebrows off...

Anyway...good luck with the Clomid....hope it gives you a baybee

Damn - just realised I am further on in my cycle than I thought...nurses told me to test 14 days after treatment last Thursday, so I was thinking I am 7 days from end of cycle, however due to ovulating on cd16/17, I am in fact 24 days into my cycle and there fore due on any day now due to short cycle...this could explain sore tits etc...grr.

Not sure where this puts me...progesterone fanny gel sometimes seems to extend my cycle though..ho hum...it's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma, this game!

chocho hello. POAS now for want of something better to do?

One step ahead of ya Cokie! Negatory, of course...I only have one more internet cheapo left, plus the CB one the nurses give me, and I am not allowed to piss on that one until next Friday. I am not going to buy any more, either, as we all know...that way lie madness!