Ok, just got back from the hospital - instead of leaving with a bag full of drugs, I left with a handful of tissues covered in snot, tears and makeup and looked like an extra from a disaster movie, due to the bitch of a nurse that we had the misfortune to see this time. I feel this may be a long one, so go and get yourself a tea gin and make yourselves comfortable... and I will begin.
Before I can go on to tell you what happened today, I will just fill in the newb's on our first appt - basically, we saw a different nurse who was really lovely, and offered us clomid there and then, with an HSG after 3 months if not diffed, or the option we went for - the HSG first, then 6 months of Clomid. (She took into account my fluctuating FSH levels and the beneficial effect that acupuncture had had on them and told me to keep on with the treatment.)
Today, the nurse could not have been different - her whole attitude was cold and brief and brutally honest. She said I couldn't have the Clomid because my FSH was 14.something and it should be under 12. I pointed out that the result to which she was referring was NOT the most recent and the last one was 12.9, so definitely coming down in the right direction (and I'd been told the 12 limit was a guideline, rather than set in stone).
She wanted to refer us to the consultant MrD in light of my fluctuating hormone levels to discuss other options. She then proceeded to tell us all the options we'd have if we did not already have a child (3 cycles of IUI, followed by 2 cycles of IVF... "oh but actually you are too old for IUI, so we'd skip straight to IVF".) She then went on to say that unless we can pay for IVF, then Clomid is our only option. I then started thinking about the family I'd seen in the reception, arriving for ma's 20wk scan, with husband and toddler in tow, and my eyes started leaking.
I thought there was little point in seeing MrD if we have no other options - she said 'well he might decide to give you the Clomid anyway'.
I then told her that I was having acupuncture and traditional chinese medicine to help bring down the FSH level and thought that today was all about getting the drugs (as per the discussion at our previous appt). She then offered to give me the Clomid today (wtf?!). I told her that under the advice of my TCM practitioner, I wanted to delay the start the Clomid until the TCM has had chance to work (3 months) which will take us to around April time. She said 'ooh that is a good idea' and gave me another blood form and told me to go back to the doc's for another Day 3 test once the herbs had kicked in.
At this point TG wakes up and starts asking about his sperm results, only to find results not back yet as it can take at least 2 weeks. FFS - what are they doing with them? They must have been dead a week ago! TG is then having a very relaxed conversation about how he hadn't really been worried about his test until he'd dropped the sample off, so was quite keen to know the results, even though we'd been told that, due to the fact we have a child, it is probably not his fault. She then went on to say well I don't want to worry you but... and then basically gave us this big lecture about how having Iris could have been a fluke - he might have v low sperm count and I am obviously not ov'ing every month - say for example that I am only ov'ing 2 months per year, and how 'at your age' the eggs are vastly reduced in number and quality and if my FSH levels are rising due to menopause there is no point me having Clomid as it will only raise them further. (Never mind the fact that my temp charts so far indicate that I AM ov'ing every month.) At this point she leaves the room to get me a new blood test form and have a few minutes to compose myself - meanwhile TG is looking at me like 'wot on earth is wrong with you?' I couldn't trust myself to speak.
Anyway, we left, with our blood form and leaflet about Clomid in hand, and were told to go to reception and make an appt for when we are ready to come back. I promptly burst into tears and had to leave without making the appt cos I couldn't compose myself.
Reading this back, it is hard to see why I am so upset by her - TG couldn't understand it and said 'but she didn't tell you anything you didn't know already'. But then he admitted that he didn't really understand what she'd meant about the hormone levels and referring us to MrD - revealing that he has not listened to a single fucking thing I've said over the last 18 months. Cue more tears and snot. Anyway, it was her attitude that I found so upsetting, she was v negative and short with us, until I started discussing FSH levels, details and acupuncture etc. Then she was slightly more conversational, but it was too late by then. I tried to tell TG that wasn't so much what she said but how she made me feel - which is bascially we don't have a snowballs chance in hell of having another child and not only I am ridiculous for expecting to get up the duff at my age, but why am I not grateful for what I have? There was absolutely no compassion or empathy from her at all. TG said he appreciated her brutal honesty and thought I was over-reacting and she didn't mean to upset me. I was then even more upset because he was fucking defending her!!!
Anyway... I have exhausted myself writing all that.
It is just so fucking galling because, after 21 months of failure I had finally started to feel positive and stress-free again, get my depression under control etc due to the TCM and that bitch has just put me where I was before christmas.
I will shut up now. Promise. Bet you wished you never asked.