30s TTC - After all, we're not nice 'down there' at the BESH of times...

[CUNextTuesday]

Awww, you emailed me! You does love me after all

Well how very considerate of Jailbait, there aren't many who would volunteer so selflessly for such a task.

I'm not surprised at your lack of interest in my boobs, they are quite frankly a bit of a disappointment.

I beg to disagree

Day off cossie ?????

but then i won't get no emailz

Cosmosis I wouldn't say that... I love your tight lycra costumes. Btw, about the cat - our doorman's off sick and so we haven't been able to accept parcels since Thursday... it's not looking good for him in that box.

higgy Did you ever get around to asking your mum about bumsex baybees?

retaliates with rugby tackle to iggy as she goes down.

I iz waiting for the virgin man. rubs hands together with glee. Can I play with him, can I? please?

polly's boob database

Right, I am henceforth renouncing all TWOOFLing, symptom spotting and related lunacy. I hereby do declare that I will no longer be a nutcase about this TTC lark. I am currently having several symptoms despite not actually having oved: my body clearly enjoys fucking with me, so I am going to beat it at its own game and ignore the wombular twingeing and sore boobies. I will instead smile serenely and not even remember which cycle day I am on.

That is the theory anyways. I am in the run up to oving and for once we are getting jiggy on a regularish basis, so as long as we get a couple more in before and over the weekend then I will remain calm and non-hysterical.

Got that? NO obsessing from me. I will not be proved wrong.....

Stop bogarting Cosmo, Iggypop, she's here today so plenty to go round for all of us.
And Cosmo, more than a handful's a waste

Ski, I'll see your 'flid' and raise you a Jeremy Beadle hand with accompanying song which I believe was exclusive to my school. For those not in the know, a 'Beadle Hand' is when you fold your middle finger over your index finger, then fold your ring finger over that and then fold your little finger over that. Then you have to sing 'Watch out, Beadle's About, Watch out, Beadle's About, You better watch out - cos he's got no fingers, duh duh' (to the theme tune of 'Beadle's About'). Being moderately double-jointed, I was v good at it. Will be rightfully punished for it by crippling arthritis in old age then a long stint in Hell.

Do you all hate me now? I sometimes wonder what lurkers or casual readers stumbling across us make of the Gin Palace. Then I think fuck it and go molest a Desperate Romantic. Incidentally, my biggest lust-crush of all time is Greg Wise as Willoughby in Sense & Sensibility - can I kidnap him and bring him to the cellar? I need to lick his sideburns...

scorps if I managed to get as much as a handful I'd be pleased! ;)

In the interests of scientific research I am more than happy to set up a boob database. Purely scientific you understand. And its very kind of Jailbait to offer to assist, I'll be sure to let him know if I need some help letching comparing data.

Just to fuel the madness I have been taking more photos today, without flash this time (as veins show up better) to add to the collection and aid me next month, as I will undoubtedly get droid soon. I have NO symptoms anymore, not even sore nips. WAAAAHHHHHH, where is my baybee? Even though I don't even know if I ov'd surely I should still win a baybee? [desperate hopeful emoticon]

WeeWee I very much look forward to seeing you not 2woofl . I also was not 2woofling this month - well that was the intention. Instead I have done my most insane 2woofl yet.

longwee It is totally and utterly possible to "play it cool" during the first week of post_OV. Please let us know how it's working out for you after the weekend...

Cosmo Can I have a go on the virgin man too please? I haz ordered internet on 20th October and haz no internet or telephone. Still.

Good luck with that longwee... Would also like to state that icklebabysisterinlaw is lovely and not scarily ickle and was probably going to enter baby lottery next year if they hadn't already got carried away. So I'm definitely very happy for her and she's not a slaag, or no more than me anyway. Now. Is it too early to symptom spot at day 13 or whatever I'm on?

cos if he's anything like our virgin man, I wouldn't be bothering....

scorps I used to do that with my fingers, in a non beadle-related way. And yes, I did get arthritis. You have been warned.

Please to help me with the many works I am forced to be doing today ? Have fun today. I'll be missing out...

curly I am free to assist you today, what do you want doing?

Yes, Longwee, of course you won't 2WOOFL at all this month. And neither will I

Casper - I think all this typing might fuck up my hands before the Beadle gets me...

cos really must go and get on with fiddly itineraries, but how about sitting in on my risk assessment H&S training? (that is not a joke by the way, despite the nature of my emails - I do have two hours of training this avo)

right, I'm off this time...

Buggeryfuckarsebandits. Have just heard that (unfortunately really lovely, so I can't hate her) girl who is much further on career-wise than me and who has a gorgeous house in leafy West London is pregnant. To add insult to injury, it's her first month of trying.

What do I have? Pink bits. From what was, according to FF, 5DPO. Am now 7DPO. I don't even get a 2WOOFL this month, just have to wait for arrival of droid. Cunting arsefuckwank.

Am contemplating mimicking the madness of scorpette and gently swaddling a used tampon. What do you think of Percy for a boy tampon?

(PS Scorp Cheers for lovely suggestion, but fertility appointment involved no cervix bothering. And there hasn't been any other cervix bothering for fun, either).

Can I just ask randomly if I can join our secret santa thingummy? I'm not on facebook so I couldn't join in your plottings before.

Camel grrr for fecund colleagues - how old is she? Does she have youth on her side?

But you have pinkbits. We have had a fair few pinkbits round here recently, all of which have resulted in babypass. Wontcha hold out a wee bit of hope...?

Camel, sorry my suggestion was no use; we'll just have to come up with another reason for the pink bits. Could theoretically be a fabled implantation bleed? I am keeping my hopes up for you

camel Fear not, she's probably got web-toes and an ugly vagina. It's only fair. Maybe her mortgage debt is Japanese style? i.e., her grandchildren will be paying it off... Always look on the bright side my lovely.

Bessie I'm sorry but we did the draw last week and the purchasing of pressies has already been done. I did the initial shout out 2 weeks ago.

camel Tell us more about the pink bits. I think PollyPervert has room in her database for gusset pics.

Polly My lovely fellow horsey lady - have you POAS yet?

muser I'm sorry, I didn't really mean your sister is a slag. But she is in the same sense as camel's colleague being a slag with athlete's foot.

web toes and an ugly vagina = new favourite insult.

Pink bits could be a whole slew of things, but I get them every month, so am just thinking my body is fucking with me. Ho hum, onwards and upwards.

Polly? Is this you, too?

scorps how can you be so rotten about my livelihood? It's Very Important not tokill people at work

camel I expect it to appear alongside "throbbing manhood" when used to describe the cold hearted anti-heroine! Not that the bitchy woman has a cock, I don't think.

Don't look at camel's pic if you are at work and people can see your screen.

rofl Cameltoe! No that is not me, although I may take up cervical photography now as well as tits...

Seriously though.... that is making me BARF!

Ski no I have not POAS. Today is CD28 but I have no symptoms at all now. I'm just waiting for my boobs to deflate and that will indicate the imminent arrival of the droid. In a way I think the droid arrival will be a relief - at least I will know then. Do you know what I mean?

I think I might have to have one of those fake babies Scorps, I don't fancy suckling a tampon.