To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Morning all,

Can't comment much on the cat/dog/baby comparison as we have none of them! But I want chickens. Possibly more than I want a baby but that depends on my mood at the time. I expect we will end up with a moggy at some point but I'm leaving that up to DH as he's more of a cat person than me. Hmm. Maybe my view of cats (quite happy to have one/feed one/take one to the vet, but don't know enough and don't care enough to initiate getting one myself) is the same as his view of babies? Now there's a thought.

Brief post - have to dash.

Strangely, I've not really come across the whole 'I resent the fact that I can't do adult stuff because I have to put the kids first' thing. All my friends and family are utterly besotted with parenthood and anxious that everyone else should be indulging in it.

Right. Really. Do. Have. To. Run.

Levi Sorry for not mentioning it too, seeing YTD's post made me realise - what's going on with the fertility clinic? And is there a Plan B?

Oh my good god...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childbirth/831647-If-it-came-to-it-would-you-rather-a-CS

It's strange the way some people embrace the new life and some (usually the men) are after an escape whenever possible. (Maybe some of the women are too but never get the chance...) It would definitely be hard for us, but I think I'm ready for it. My favourite drinking these days is at home over dinner, rather than in the pub - though the latter is lovely once in a while. My DH had an insanely wild twenties and has calmed down quite a lot, but is still very attached (as I've discussed ad nauseam on here!) to going out, drinking etc. He loves dancing and would go clubbing much more given the chance; I am like confused in not caring if I ever go in a club again. Nice to hear from Suerock that people don't always feel trapped and resentful! I know I would a bit, but also know (or at least think) I'd find it all pretty exciting in general and be fairly besotted with any DC.

Yep, had to cancel the fertility appointment as it clashed with my first day on a new degree course - lots of crucial stuff, registration, getting into study groups, first teaching on three courses, introduction session to the technology we're using. I don't know if it was a stupid decision, but just thought well I can reschedule the appointment, whereas this stuff won't be repeated. Someone is supposed to be ringing me back to reschedule, but just hope it won't be weeks and weeks. Maybe this is a bad sign that I'm not making it my top priority. But just didn't want to miss anything too crucial at uni, and wanted some control over who I would work with etc.

Anyway, sorry about all this me stuff. Hope you're all ok.

Hey LST, one of the points of this thread is to talk about you. You, you and more you if you feel like it! It's often far easier to talk anonomously on here than it is in real life so feel free to brain dump as you wish (and, in case you were wondering, it ain't boring!) Goddit?!
Right, bossing over!

Hope that your next appt isn't too long to wait. I am waiting for the referral to the diabetic clinic (to be told the stuff I clearly know aleady due to the bloods results etc) although it's only been just over a week so no major rush there. I hope it isn't too long to the actual appointment though as I am terribly impatient. I think if I didn't know what I was doing etc it would be a different kettle of fish, but as I do I feel as if this is more to show willing than anything else. And, I suppose, maybe they will tell me something I don't know...

With your new degree course - are you taking the degree or teaching it? Sorry if you have already said before (it's a bit too long to read back on, this thread) or don't want to say as it'll blow your cover. (Talking of which, a little late in the day, I guess I ought to be more subtle as anyone who know's me will have an easy time guessing who I am if they looked at this thread - here's hoping they don't!)

Got to go, friend at the door and we're taking our dogs out

Thank you! That is really nice to know. I have to say, MN and this thread in particular is a godsend. I do normally teach at a university, but this year I'm doing an MSc during a 'career break'. (I should be being more subtle about my identity too for lots of reasons but never mind!)

Hope your referral goes through quickly. Sounds unlikely that they'll tell you something you don't know, as you're so clued up and on top of it all, but I guess you never know. And they might just be nice and supportive - my fertility nurse is lovely and it does really help (if I ever get to see her again!).

So breaking news is that suddenly DH says this morning, 'So if we have a boy we're callling him Alex, right?' WHAAAAAAT?! This is the man who won't come to talk about IVF, won't cut down his drinking, and has been super grumpy about the mere idea of children all month. I DON'T GET IT!!! But gives me grounds for hope, anyway!

Enjoy your walk with the dogs - sounds idyllic! I'm off to get fetishistic over stationery in Staples prior to the course starting! Hope everyone else is well and you all have a lovely weekend.

Ohmygoodness! Alex, eh?! I get a sneaking suspicion there is more going on at the back of his mind that he originally let on! Blimey!

So, er, will you call him Alex then...? Just out of interest!

It's so weird. Not getting too excited though, for all the reasons I've mentioned. I think he is still thinking 'well, it would be ok - in 10 yrs time', even though he's over 40 and I'm getting there fast. He's a puzzle (the kindest way of putting it...)

Er, so-so over Alex. Do I dare discuss baby names?!? I'd go for Owen (I grew up in Wales!) or Joseph as second choice. Woah, getting too green for my own good here! Hope the walk was good - it's wild and blustery here...

How's everyone else's weekend going?

Walk was bloody windy - good, but windy. Am now safely back at home with warm clothes on, the TV on and my laptop (obviously) with a very tired dog on my feet. I love weekends - shame there aren't more of them!

Yes, go on go on, lets discuss baby names! Even people who don't want children may have some inklings towards names they like or dislike.

Have to say, I do like Owen. It sounds quite cool (as better to think of these names as 'adult' names as they aren't little for very long.) Alex is okay too but nit sure if I'd like it enough to call someone it.

I am not sure on names really, but I do know that I much prefer little girls to boys. i find boys too boisterous really (all that haring around shouting 'pow,pow,pow') Saying that, little girls can be rather catty and sneaky whereas little boys may fall out but are then all friends again 5 mins later. (Girls can hold gridges like nobody's business.) I know you can't really ensure you have one or the other (unless you pay £'s to have the, ahem, sperm sorting) but I can't envisage myself with a boy. Maybe it's because I am kind of girlie myself.

What about you? Or is that far too big a question!

My goodness, I am getting carried away. Quite like it though, especially after the recent amber / red days. Must just remember to steer clear of the childbirth threads...

Actually, I think you'll find girls hold grudges as opposed to gridges.

Must make an effort and proofread...

LST and Confused - fingers crossed that neither of you has too long to wait for your appointments to come through. It must be quite weird to be going back to being taught after teaching at uni, LST! (Is it a masters by teaching or research?) But it sounds like you're doing the right thing by rescheduling your appointment - it's always difficult if you miss the very beginning of something, not least because you never catch anyone's name again.

DH and I have discussed names in an abstract one-day-maybe-if-it-happens-but-we're-just-joking-really sort of way, and can agree on a girl's name. But I'm fairly uninspired for boys - I think it's more difficult to get away with something unusual. The trouble is, the longer we leave having kids, the more likely it is that someone we know is going to nick the ones we like first!

I learned something new today, on overhearing a woman in town saying "He mewed and mewed, and of course we couldn't explain that he was only going to the cattery for a weekend," to which her companion replied "It's much easier with children, at least they understand when you explain." So there's the solution to how parents can have an adults weekend away - put the kids in a cattery

Yes, boys names are harder than girls (least the unusual one's) in my opinion too. I would hate for someone to 'nick' our choices first too - unreasonable as that may really be.

Englebert or Griselda it will have to be then.

Aren't baby equivalents of catteries called Nursery's? Except you can't leave them there overnight. No, the overnight versions of baby catteries are called Grandma's House!

Dear me. And I've not even had a drink...!

I suppose sneakily I had always thought I'd prefer a girl to a boy, for some of the reasons confused mentions (though I'm not particularly girlie) - they seem more rewarding early on, speaking earlier and being more into reading, something which I'd be keen on sharing with them. And just a bit more considerate and into conversation, rather than running around... But my sister had a boy, against all expectation (I'm one of 3 girls, as is my mum and both grandmothers, and my aunt had two girls...), and he's already gorgeous. And suddenly I'm seeing lots of adorable boys around.

We have less strong feelings about boys' names, for some reason, so would probably manage to agree if we had one. We have no point of convergence at all on girls' names. I like Nell, or Tess; he likes things like Georgina (or Alexandra, shortened to Alex for a girl too - he has no imagination!). Anyone else??

Thanks, Suerock - glad you don't think I was totally stupid re. the appointment. I am being taught again - really strange experience (and it's barely started). Funny story about the cattery! If only...

Argh! Nella is one, well our only one, girls name! I haven't said that to anyone I know either (and don't really want to.) I love it as it's quite quirky but not too quirky but can imagine lots would hate it (Nellie the elephant songs etc.)

Blimey!

Really suprised at that as it's not a very common (not a great word there I agree) name and also not especially in fashion.

No idea about boys names really. No strong ideas anyway.

Baby names? Bloody hell.

Oh, all right then. I really fancy a modification of a family name, like my nanna's or sister's, for a girl. And I love sturdy names for little boys. We have quite a 'sturdy' surname so that would influence our choice.

Oh. Dear . God. I hope DH never sees this or he will thik Ive lost my mind....

I know, I know! It's all getting out of hand.

Or something.

Wonder if any of us would really get round to naming anyone... (it looks iffy, on and off...)

Oh my goodness. Just emerged from the childbirth thread. I'm RED RED RED!!

Episiotomy? Ventouse delivery? Can medical science offer women nothing more sophisticated than salad tongs and a hoover?! Eurgh! . I'm crossing my legs and wincing.

Too traumatised to think of baby names...

YTD, seriously, chant the mantra 'stay away from the childbirth threads'. Although we cant, really.

Saying that, you have read nothing until you have read the birth trauma website, its mainly post-traumatic stress disorder and physical destruction. Confused and I were RED for weeks following that little foray.

Still feel a bit queasy thinking about it now, to be honest.

...but I've always rather liked Benedict for a boy and Eleanor for a girl. I would also add something more exotic for middle name(s).

Lovely names.

Its a slippery slope, ladies, next thing you know we will be (gasp!) TTC.

Im still feeling green. This is the longest run of green I think Ive ever had. Start new packet of pill tonight, that'll squash me down to at least an amber.

I am, however, clearly in denial about the results of my nursery costs research. Its about £800 a month. Which we cant afford. So its all largely academic, now.

Well, officially I suppose I am TTC (I've even signed up for fertility friend, but my monitoring, like my folic acid taking, is a bit hit and miss). But This month has gone the way of the previous 10 and I'm definately not pregnant. And I'm quite relieved about it.

£800 a month?! . Goodness that's a lot. I've not really thought too much about child care costs, mainly because my Mum lives locally and has already offered to help out. I'm very fortunate in that I have my mum closse by and I work in the public sector, so shouldn't have a problem going part-time if I wanted to (apart of the lost of income - but I'd rather earn less and spend more time with my child, then earn more and spend it all on paying someone else to look after the kids).

That's always assuming I have a child. And I'm only doing it if I can have a birth plan that says elective CS under general anaesthetic and don't wake me up until baby is cleaned and powdered and snuggled up in a soft white blanket.

The birth trauma website is hideous. they ought to set up another website to support thoses traumatised by reading the birth trauma website!

Eleanor is one of mine too, YTD, shortened to Nell!

OK, ok, this is getting out of hand! (But fun...) We (as in, DH and I) are TTC - especially after DH's bombshell in initiating a baby name discussion (though where he thinks a baby is going to come from at present rate of progress is anyone's guess!). Too late for this month though.

Good luck, HP. I'm tempted to say 'things will sort themselves out somehow once the baby's here', and to just to go for it. But maybe that's naive. Tough one.

I did read a bit followng the childbirth thread link and that's cooling my current fairly-greenness. As I've said before, it's barbaric. I keep wanting to have a 'tell me really, truly' conversation with my sister, but then think it may be best not to know what she went through - and is probably still going through.

Oh god, it's midnight and I'm running a 10km tomorrow (poorly prepared). Bed! Night, all x

Ha! You succumbed to the childbirth threads! I find it strangely fascinating in a hideous kind of a way. Perhaps like watching a car crash. I think if I was ever pregnant it would be very wise to stay well away (think of the nightmares!). What is also quite fascinating is the way that the majority of the victims mothers talk about it (third degree tears, being incontinent etc) is so matter of fact. I had my appendix out when I was 18 and that was traumatic enough - others who had had the same op were shuffling around the same day whereas I was in agony (honest!) and incapable of moving, or even the very thought of it! God know's how I'd cope with a c-section!

£800 a month is steep, HP, but I guess that's about the average. I try not to worry about the money side too much (not altogether sensible I realise) as otherwise we'd never do anything. DH says that if we have a DC at least we'd spend less on wine

YTD what's a fertility friend...?

I too dont know what a fertility friend is, but if I had to guess I would say it is a very fertile friend who conceived on the first month of trying who you get to stand next to you so her hormones transfer to your body? Am I close?

Those childbirth threads....we are strangely drawn to them, powerless. I love the live labour threads, everyone screaming typing 'PUSHHHHHHH'. The female solidarity is lovely. And there are obviously people who have been MNing for years and everyone feels really close to them. Amazing.

None of my friends or relatives will tell me the truth about their labours. I guess if you are still struggling with the physical ramifications you might feel a bit uncomfortable with people knowing you pee every time you laugh. I have one very frank friend who opened my eyes to what pregnancy is like, but who has been strangely quiet about the birth. Maybe its like the Masons (sp?) and when you meet another mother you do a funny handshake and a nod, and then you know what the other went through.

Good luck with the 10K run, Levi, its a beautiful day here, hope wherever you are is a good day for running (I cant run 100m without getting a stitch, BTW).

The nursery prices were as expected, really. I am in the position of having no choice about going back to work full time should the TTC thing ever happen and produce a little HoneyPetal. We need both our combined salaries to even meet our basic expenses (thanks to the rather poor decision we made of both of us being academic scientists). Oh for a besotted Mam living nearby who would offer some free childcare! However, Ive been looking into the childcare voucher salary sacrifice scheme, and if I understand it correctly (despite having a PhD the government website is incomprehensible to me) we may be able to claw back some tax/NI on the childcare bill, which would bring it down to maybe £650 a month. Just the one baby for me, then.....