Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

[GordonTheGopher]

I know it's not very PC. But I can't help but be really jealous. Just this morning I got an email off another friend telling me she's pregnant - first month of trying.

That makes 6 friends who are pregnant. I have been TTC no 2 for two years. I had a MMC last May and an early MC last week.

I do try and be happy for them. But in reality I'm not.

Am I normal? Anyone care to join me?

Onlyaphase - thank you - I know you are right and I will try and ring up tomorrow.

Ontheup - Ha ha! I like the idea of a wildwoman baring her teeth at people who upset us longtime TTC'ers! Can I take you to work with me?

Re; her dictating other peoples other peoples behaviours- I know, its very weird it must be suppressed emotion about her own time TTC thats all I can think it is. Its sad though that she seems to feel such rage at others and denies anyone any slack about their sadness. She goes on and on about how you should never cry at work about it and should always smile and be happy for any one who is pregnant and how utterly evil it is to be seen to be upset at work!! So odd. I would feel sorry for her if it weren't so horrible for the people on the receiving end.

For what its worth I dont think you are damaging the relationships with your friends maybe just not giving them the opportunity to support you? I think there is always a line to be drawn and I agree with her in the sense that I dont think me weeping and wailing at work would be helpful or comfortable for people but a little less judgement from her would be nice.

I am sure your friends are not like my colleague

We took a long time going to GP at first - probably at least 18 months - then took things at a slow pace - eg went on NHS list for IVF rather than private etc - similar to several people here.

PM she's definitely being unreasonable - and seeing everything in the light of having a child herself. When I was pregnant with ds I was very understated about the whole thing as I knew that a friend at work was having problems. Unlike our secretary more recently...

I think that anyone that is lucky enough to get pregnant, particularly if they have had problems getting there, should be understanding about the feelings of people that are struggling - for whatever reason. And people should understand that everyone is different in how they deal with things - and the circumstances will also affect this. For instance, I found that my first mc was emotionally very difficult - we had been trying for so long - and, in hindsight, due to mp, hormones etc were not sorting themselves out which didn't help. Post ds mc have been less emotionally debilitating in the short-term, but I think that I'm still dealing with issues in the longer-term even though they are 1 and 2 years ago...

I agree that we should be more open about how difficult it is for us, which would also open the smugger ladies of our acquaintance to the fact that it isn't always easy to get, or stay, pregnant, and hopefully foster a more understanding attitude.

I think part of the problem is that as soon as you're pregnant, hormones dictate that you and your womb become the very centre of the universe, and anything else - even friends' emotions - are of less consideration than before. I've found myself withdrawing from friend who has succeeded with IVF at first go, as even though I've told her I'm going to be weird, and would prefer not to talk about it, I just know it's the only topic in her head. And for me to say 'shut up please' would hurt her feelings. But avoiding her is probably just as bad.

On the way into work I was totting up the number of women I now avoid because they're either pregnant or with kids (though these seem to withdraw of their own accord, away from the plague that is infertility). There's rather too many.

Hello everyone - I've been on and off MN since my first MC 2.5 years ago. We've been ttc since and nothing!

All tests etc are 'normal' and there is no real treatment now except IVF or IUI both of which I am too youngg for funding for and will have to fund ourselves.

I must be the only person I know who isn't pregnant, just given birth or has fallen pg 'so quickly/by mistake' after the first one. I end up with all the rubbish shifts at work, doing all the heavy jobs and covering/sorting out things when their children are off sick. Yet I have to take Annual leave for any of my hospital appointments!

I still find it difficult when someone tells me that they are expecting - not that I let on. They all keep telling me that I'm so lucky have all this free time etc... What they don't know is that it is when I have this time it is often torture as ttc completely takes over your mind and you find yourself learning more about the female cycle, hormones, vitamens than you ever thought possible.
I think ttc also makes you feel like such a failure that something that should be so natural and easy your body can't do

Pinkmore- Your colleague sounds so cold. I think more people should learn to shut up and just say it must be hard for you etc.. rather than trying to give solutions or dictate how you should react or act in these situations.

there I've had my rant feel much better off to work to face the next yummy mummy!

Hi Poppy - How old are you? I never knew that some areas classed people as "too young" how bizarre!

Just to let you all know (esp Littlefish and ontheup) I just rang the clinic and they just happen to be starting an extra clininc on MOnday evenings so the lady has booked me in for 20th October!) Thanks for urging me to ring, I thought a lot about what you said and also all the posts I have read on here and realised I need to stop pretending its not really happening and get on with it - so thank you all very very much for sharing stories and supporting me - you are all wonderful

OK gush over

Oh Pinkmook, I'm so glad you phoned. I was worried that I had been too blunt and had upset you. I've just read your previous messages as well as the one about your appointment to catch up. I'm delighted that you've got your appointment on 20th October, on a non-working day. Some things are just meant to be, aren't they!

As for your colleague.... The fact that she was "good as gold" means diddly squat! Or rather, it means that she bottled up her feelings and probably felt ghastly and is not able to articulate them, even now. The fact that she can put on a good act is not necessarily a good thing. Once I started talking to people (acupuncturist, refloxologist etc), I actually felt far more in control and able to deal with all the crap going on. I think I would be tempted to say to her...

Well xx, I'm so glad you found a way to deal with your disappointment and frustration. I've found that the best way for me to deal with these issues are to talk about them with people I trust and who care about me. Obviously, I won't share them with you as this would make you uncomfortable, but I know that you will respect my reasons and feelings. (All of this to be said with a sweetness and light smile, whilst wishing to punch her lights out!)

Let us know how you get on on 20th October.

is not are in the third paragraph.

I just wanted to say thank you to you ladies for your honestly and openness.
I have been pratting about wondering, getting my info from the internet and failing completely to do anything practical - you know, like booking in to see a specialist.

Anyway, you lot inspired me and I have finally called the clinic and got an appointment at the end of the month, which is more of a wait than I was hoping for but at least it is done.

Maybe I can get some hard facts and stop stressing.

That should be "wondering about what to do next re ttc".
Bad typing...

Well done Unituber. Proper information is always helpful, whether it's what you want to hear or not. You can then make plans based on facts, not speculation or worry.

Good luck with your appointment - let us know how you get on.

Good on you, Unituber and Pinkmook. I hope you both feel better now - it can be a relief to start dealing with things rather than shovelling them under the carpet - I think you start to feel more in control too.

Can I have a rosette too? I've got an appointment at the Lister IVF clinic next Thursday. I never thought I'd have to have IVF, as I've conceived six times in my life, but as none of them have resulted in a baby, I think I need to admit I need some help.

What I'm most scared of is it not working. Then I really have some mental adjustment to do to be able to be genuinely happy for pregnants.

Gosh, that's soon herbaceous. Well done

I never thought I would consider IVF either, but I have an inkling that it might reduce my chances of an ectopic in which case it has to be worth doing.

If it doesn't work we'll just face that when the time comes. Fortunately that time is not just yet!

Here you go girls...

One for Pinkmook.

One for Unituber.

And last, but not least,

one for herbaceous.

Well done all of you

Herbaceous - so sorry for all your losses. That must be so hard. Good luck on Thursday.

For what it's worth - I'm not sure I'll genuinely ever be happy for some pregnants! They'll just never match up to my list of criteria

Thank you littlefish (curtsies)

Well done UNituber and herbaceous

And onlyaphase - I should have name checked you, too, because your post helped also (am crap at this stuff! )

Gaaarrrghhhhhhhh! I know I am a miserable horrible old cow but I feel really 'Grrrrrrrr'.

Have been trying for a baby for months now with no success and I knew that this time would be hard for me but I thought I was handling it ok.

Brother just had a baby, first one, beautiful and perfect. I haven't seen him yet as he lives far away but I know they will visit at some point and I am shitting myself about what will happen. At the moment I feel like I can deal with all these emotions - jealousy, anger, hurt, fear, etc etc - but I really don't know how I am going to cope when the big meeting the newborn thing happens. If it was 10 minutes with them popping in, saying hi to the baby and then buggering off home for a cry then I am sure I will handle it fine but I just know it will be lunch at my mums with my sister cooing and shrieking and being the best aunt ever because she's really excited, doesn't want kids etc.

When I was told about the baby, when they first got pregnant, I was similarly trapped AND without the support of my boyfriend and had to go off for a cry at what should have been a really happy time. I don't think I can cope with all of this without acting like some spoilt brat or evil witch.

Of course I am happy for them and of course I want to be a decent aunt but I am just really really upset about my own situation and that upset isn't going to go away for an afternoon when we meet the baby. People ask me about the baby all the time and I can easily trot out the details the weight, the name with a fixed grin on my face but that's because these people who ask are not family and so I don't get so emotional about it all.

My instincts are to just not go but I know that would be avoiding the subject.

I'm a spoilt child aren't I

No, petulant child, you're not!

It's unbelievably hard to hold your emotions in check at times like this. Is it possible to speak to your brother beforehand to tell him how delighted you are for him and his dp, but that you're feeling sad because of your own difficulties.

Tell him that you're really looking forward to seeing the new baby, but that if you get upset, it's no reflection on how delighted you are to be an aunt.

(BTW, I was an aunt to twins before I was a mother. I cried buckets when I first saw the boys and actually, it was because I was genuinely overcome with how beautiful and wonderful they were, and how proud I was of my sister and how overwhelmed I was to be an aunt, so you might surprise yourself!)

Also, if possible, try and arrange to meet them without lots of other family members being present. Takes the pressure off you to "perform".

I've signed up for acupuncture!! Yay us!

Oh I'm so pleased this thread is having some positive results!

I'm struggling with my friendship with my pregnant friend. I'm alienating myself from her and I think she knows it. We used to see each other every day, now I'm making excuses to avoid her. I want so hard to act normal but I can't. I'm thinking I should have a chat to her about it - I think she thinks I'm completely over my mc... I think I thought I was... not so sure now.

petulantchild what's your story? Welcome to the ranters!

Gordon - I think it would be a good idea to talk to your friend, rather than avoiding her. I know its a really hard thing to do, but if it's a friendship you can see continuing with longterm, then it's worth some discomfort now.

If you think she's already picked up on it, then she's probably feeling awkward too.

I don't blame you for not wanting to see her every day - I would find that really hard too.

Hello guys after reading your threads I'm going to call the fertility clinic and book an appointment for Jan 2009 so I give myself three more months and if no success then I will think about IUI or IVF! I think I just didn't want to think that it wouldn't happen again naturally.

Petulant - i thought I'd be really upset when I was with my bf's baby,but the thought of it was much worse than it turned out to be. I think if you warn them first that you may get emotional it will be ok

Pinkmore - I'm 33 and you have to be 36 to get funding so I'm going to have to save up for it!

Hi Poppy - I never knew that! I am 33 too but they wont let us have IVF on the NHS because DH has had a vasectomy (allbeit now reversed) as apparently this automatically precludes you from help they never mentioned my age, in fact they said "right so we've got 2.5 years" (til I am 35) in reference to assisted conception. I think they just make it up as they go along in different areas "right so you wore a blue shirt today, and you have blonde hair so errrrm nope sorry, no IVF to blonde haired, blue shirt weareres it says so in this here book of IVF rule!s!" I know they have to draw the line in the NHS somewhere but it just seems so arbitrary.

Ok rant over well done you for getting the ball rolling and starting the process of help

I am going to try and see if once I've sent the appointment I can try to forget ttc for the next three months. It is so hard to switch off from, any tips??? Have already been on the holidays, bought unsuitable car etc... Oh and I've drunk lots of wine and scoffed lots of chocolate.

May be the way to go is beauty treatments!!! Nice massages might do the trick.

Pinkmook - I know that the NHS has to prioritise but if everyone in the country was under the same guidelines it wouldn't seem so unfair! Why would they stop someone who has had a vasectomy?? IT's all very rubbish!!

I even work for the NHS, I feel that I spend everyday trying to help everyone else, but when I need treatment I can't access it. I think I'll have to give up the NHS and work privately to afford NHS treatment!!!

Can I join in this thread please? All these stories are striking a chord...

We have a four year old conceived with no problems, have been trying to conceive a second for nearly three years during which time I've had one MC and one MMC.. The MMC was particularly difficult (July08) as I'd finally fallen pregnant the month before we were due to start IVF and then found out at an early scan the baby wasn't developing so had ERPC.

I completely see where all the 'green eyed monsters' are coming from. I have calculated, roughly, that in the three years we have been trying to conceive we have either sent good wishes, baby congrats cards or presents (depending on how well we know them) to nearly 70 sets of friends/work colleagues/family etc. The family ones have been agony as it's just too close for comfort. There have been first babies, loads of seconds, some thirds and one fourth! And this includes no less than 4 sets of friends who started trying to conceive their first when we started trying to conceive a second - and they are all due to deliver their second child within the next three months - arrrgh!!! It is a nightmare.

I have huge sympathy for each and every one of you and really hope everyone gets the happy endings they are hoping for.

And if I had a pound for every friend who said (meaning well but not actually helping) 'It will happen for you' then I could treat everyone on the thread to a round of IVF! grrrr.

But thanks for setting up this thread, it does help to have a little vent.