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Original poster

Traumatised from neonatal deaths. Pregnant again.

31 replies

Ella31 · 31/08/2024 11:15

Hi all,

I'm 6 weeks 4 days pregnant, first pregnancy after losing my beautiful identical twin boys last November. One of boys was stillborn and my second boy passed away at 4 days old in our arms in the NICU. They were our first after 2 early mc's.

I'm convinced something is wrong. I've cramps on and off and I'm not as nauseous as I was with my boys. I had slight low back cramps yesterday evening and I'm just so afraid ill lose this baby too.

I've an early scan on Thurs at 7 weeks 2 days but I am just dreading there'll be no heartbeat. Im also terrified of the ultrasound. My last one was the night they told me my baby was gone and his brother was slipping. It was completely out the blue. Thanks for listening to my rant.

OP posts:
Beginningless · 31/08/2024 11:18

Oh it’s not a rant my love. I’m so sorry for what you have experienced and it’s completely understandable that you would be feeling the fears and anxieties you are feeling. Do you have good support around you? Once you have a midwife then let them know how you are feeling, hopefully they can offer additional support. It’s so hard I know but are there things you can do that help ground you a bit?

Nannyfannybanny · 31/08/2024 11:20

I'm so sorry, I hope very much you can get an urgent scan and it will be positive news for you 💗

MorphandMindy · 31/08/2024 11:28

Oh, Ella, what a scary time this must be for you. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling, anxiety is an awful feeling even without all the trauma you've experienced. Sending you a virtual big tight hug and all my supportive best thoughts.

Original poster
Ella31 · 31/08/2024 11:29

Ella31 · 31/08/2024 11:15

Hi all,

I'm 6 weeks 4 days pregnant, first pregnancy after losing my beautiful identical twin boys last November. One of boys was stillborn and my second boy passed away at 4 days old in our arms in the NICU. They were our first after 2 early mc's.

I'm convinced something is wrong. I've cramps on and off and I'm not as nauseous as I was with my boys. I had slight low back cramps yesterday evening and I'm just so afraid ill lose this baby too.

I've an early scan on Thurs at 7 weeks 2 days but I am just dreading there'll be no heartbeat. Im also terrified of the ultrasound. My last one was the night they told me my baby was gone and his brother was slipping. It was completely out the blue. Thanks for listening to my rant.

Thank you I'm in Ireland so once I've my booking scan at 8 weeks, I'll be meeting the midwife.

I just hope the cramps are normal. I did have them with my boys but it's hard to remember

OP posts:
holi2024 · 31/08/2024 11:32

What you have been through is unimaginable and I am so sorry for your losses. It is completely understandable that you’re feeling anxious given what you’ve been through. Pregnancies won’t necessarily be the same so try not to compare your symptoms from last time. I have everything crossed for you and am sending a big, big hug x

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 31/08/2024 11:32

I'm so sorry about your boys. Have a hand hold from me. I don't think lack of sickness is a sign of anything bad. Look after yourself and your baby xx

Original poster
Ella31 · 31/08/2024 11:37

Thank you everyone. I can't get over how anxious I am when this is what I want. I just hope the cramps are ok. They are mild, period like and not painful. They make me a bit nauseous.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 31/08/2024 11:40

Hi there.
I'm so sorry that your first babies died.

I'm not surprised you're anxious. But cramps in early pregnancy are normal. Also, you'll feel less sick anyway because you've likely only got one baby in there.

I hope the scan goes well. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

m00ngirl · 31/08/2024 11:57

@Ella31 !!! I'm so so pleased for your pregnancy after being on other ttc threads with you and reading your story. It's completely understandable why you feel so nervous, but of course it won't help. In case reassuring I'm now pregnant (14w) and had cramps at the same time as you - completely normal as things move. All sounds like good signs to me. Hope you take good care of yourself, wishing you the very best for your pregnancy xxxx

Original poster
Ella31 · 31/08/2024 12:23

m00ngirl · 31/08/2024 11:57

@Ella31 !!! I'm so so pleased for your pregnancy after being on other ttc threads with you and reading your story. It's completely understandable why you feel so nervous, but of course it won't help. In case reassuring I'm now pregnant (14w) and had cramps at the same time as you - completely normal as things move. All sounds like good signs to me. Hope you take good care of yourself, wishing you the very best for your pregnancy xxxx

That's so wonderful. I'm delighted for you. Did you have cramps too so? It's so scary isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella31 · 31/08/2024 12:35

TheShellBeach · 31/08/2024 11:40

Hi there.
I'm so sorry that your first babies died.

I'm not surprised you're anxious. But cramps in early pregnancy are normal. Also, you'll feel less sick anyway because you've likely only got one baby in there.

I hope the scan goes well. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you, this is very reassuring

OP posts:
m00ngirl · 31/08/2024 12:40

@Ella31 I did/do have cramps too. In fact as early as 4+2 my whole body felt like I'd been hit by a bus for a few days, aching all over. Then had mild period style cramp on and off throughout and actually had it the other night as well. A good thing for us I suppose, as everything is moving! xxx

whoops2024 · 31/08/2024 18:42

@Ella31
Just reading and didn't want to read and ignore. Just want to give you a virtual hug. I'm a loss mum too. My first born was stillborn at 39weeks worst time of our lives. Sending you love and strength. Hope scan goes well 🫂

Original poster
Ella31 · 31/08/2024 19:23

whoops2024 · 31/08/2024 18:42

@Ella31
Just reading and didn't want to read and ignore. Just want to give you a virtual hug. I'm a loss mum too. My first born was stillborn at 39weeks worst time of our lives. Sending you love and strength. Hope scan goes well 🫂

Thank you and I'm so sorry for your loss. It absolutely is the worst time of anyone's life. I'll never forget being told my first son was gone and then to have to turn off life support on his brother 4 days later, tbh I find it hard to imagine this baby at the moment. All I see is my sons.

I hope you have found some peace since. They'll be with us forever ❤️

OP posts:
Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 31/08/2024 19:31

I am so very very sorry about your precious boys 💔 I can't even imagine the grief you feel. I have everything crossed for you in your current pregnancy. 💐

IntrepidCat · 31/08/2024 19:44

I’m sorry. It’s all so unfair.

I had cramps early in my pregnancies as well. So that alone really doesn’t signify anything.

In my experience you should be able to have your notes marked to show what you have been through, in the hope anyone dealing with you is tactful and understanding.

Your midwife should be able to refer you for perinatal MH and support (it might be run at your hospital or elsewhere) and you should be able to jump any waiting lists for counselling or CBT etc. As you will be high risk, you should be able to choose a consultant to be under and see them much more frequently than a so-called normal pregnancy - I was scanned at least every fortnight but often several times a week. There are other ways to provide reassurance that can be offered and you need to find out what ones work for you eg I had daily monitoring but some people find that causes anxiety.

It’s a difficult time ahead, so be as proactive as you can about getting help. Do you have any other support that is local to you? I found the charity SANDS had some meet ups for those who were pregnant again. Sometimes as well meaning as the health care professionals are, you really benefit from someone who has been through similar and gets it.

Forest12345 · 31/08/2024 19:46

Hi OP,

Firstly, a gentle congratulations on your pregnancy.

I can't claim to know exactly how you feel as I lost my first pregnancy (a little girl) last Christmas at 20 weeks whereas it sounds like your babies where much further along. However your comments about the ultrasound resonated with me.

I'm current 7 weeks +3 with our pregnancy after that loss. I wanted to have an early reassurance scan to make sure things that started off as they should have. My MC was a missed one so there's that terror of something not being right and me walkint round oblivious again. We contacted a private scanning clinic local to us. I was very nervous before the scan due to thinking about the last time we had one but they helped loads by getting on with the scan quickly once I was in the room, kept the screen off until she was sure that it was good news and told me as soon as she located a healthy heartbeat. I was worried time was going to drag until she said anything as that was the most nerve wrecking part but within 30 seconds she confirmed that everything looked good and turned the screens on.

It's always going to be a worrying time but I'm really glad we went for that scan and it's helped me start to visualise that this pregnancy will hopefully go the way we want whereas before the scan I had my barriers up and had convinced myself it would be bad news.

Hope your scan goes well and brings some reassurance. Its going to be a long journey but different pregnancy- different outcome.

ElsaLion · 31/08/2024 20:30

@Ella31 I have seen your previous posts over the last several months, and am so sorry for the loss of your boys. I really hope you are able to arrange an urgent scan, and that you can be assured everything is fine x

Original poster
Ella31 · 31/08/2024 21:12

ElsaLion · 31/08/2024 20:30

@Ella31 I have seen your previous posts over the last several months, and am so sorry for the loss of your boys. I really hope you are able to arrange an urgent scan, and that you can be assured everything is fine x

Thank you, I've a scan Thursday. Just want the days to pass now

OP posts:
dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 21:27

OP I am so sorry for the losses of your little boys.

I'm not sure where in Ireland you are but if there's a Tommys clinic I cannot recommend them enough for support with pregnancy after loss. If you are able to access support with them, they don't just offer emotional support but I had a consultant who would check me through my pregnancy after a late pregnancy loss throughout my pregnancy alongside my usual scans.

Wishing you all the very best xx

rustypickax · 31/08/2024 21:33

I'm so sorry. Its very normal to feel way, I was very anxious too after 2 losses but went on to have a successful birth and lovely DC, so it is possible. fingers crossed for you.

rustypickax · 31/08/2024 21:36

One thing that is hard is remembering them when everyone else seems to have moved on. I still think of them now and then. Cherubs.

ArdMhaca · 31/08/2024 21:38

@Ella31 I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful boys.
I wonder does your maternity hospital have a bereavement midwife ? I know they linked me in with one when I experienced a loss.

MrsArcher23 · 31/08/2024 21:40

I didn't want to read and move on. So sorry to hear about your two little boys, I can't even imagine the pain and loss. Sending you lots of positive vibes and prayers for this pregnancy. When you have your appointment on Thursday, you should ask about perinatal mental health support- I know Limerick has a good service so it may be elsewhere too. Keeping everything crossed for you. Take care.

anicecuppateaa · 31/08/2024 21:57

Just wanted to say a gentle congratulations. I remember your previous posts about losing your boys

I totally understand how anxious you must be. My first dd died when she was a baby and my subsequent pregnancies were very stressful and I couldn’t imagine a happy outcome.

I don’t know how it works in Ireland, but I was under the peri natal mental health team and had a dedicated midwife who was very responsive over text. I also had a fantastic consultant who I saw weekly due to lots of different issues. You should definitely have both of these too.