TTC #1 no previous pregnancies cycle #6 - looking for others in the same boat!

[MocktailMe]

Hi all.

As per the title, TTC first baby, I've never had a confirmed pregnancy before. I'm 31, bf is 27.

Been trying to conceive 9 months, but due to PCOS only 6 cycles.

This year I've lost weight, and my cycles since January have varied from 28 days to 38 days. Had PCOS confirmed, and currently waiting for an appointment with gynaecologist to see if I need further assistance. Appointment is taking its sweet time so for now doing it the old fashioned way still with plenty of hope (at least some days, not so much others!!!).

I'm currently on cycle day number 28, negative tests, no signs of a period in sight, CM up to my eyeballs and a whole heap of doubt over when ovulation occured!!

If you are :

TTC #1
A woman who has never been pregnant
Pissing on sticks at an ALARMING rate
Potentially with PCOS but healthy ovaries welcome 😁

Then PLEASE join my thread, so in need of buddies in a similar boat! ⛵

No offence to those TTC #2 or more, genuinley ❤️ just hoping to speak to people who also have no idea what pregnancy would feel like, and who also maybe have the fear they CANNOT ever get pregnant ❤️

@MocktailMe what an absolute rollercoaster. I really hope it’s viable - this must be so exhausting and stressful! I’m sending so much positivity your way - I hope somehow you’re managing to take care of yourself in all this. Keep us updated!

Oh gosh @MocktailMe that is so confusing. That's a lovely dark line... All my fingers and toes are crossed that your bloods come back as hoped, your emotions must be absolutely all over the place right now!

My bloods came back and had risen another 200%. I've now got an early scan booked for next week to be certain it isn't ectopic. I can't believe it and I'm still so scared!

This is this morning's test.

@CharLdn - I'm pleased for you that the ball is finally rolling. I had a horrible time on Metformin as the gastro side effects were quite a lot to take so I would say be prepared for that! I did stop taking it mid august time I think, but obviously have got pregnant twice since then so it's very possible it did get something moving!

@MocktailMe what a week - and such a confusing time. I do know some friends who had bleeding and things turned out ok so hope it’s good news or answers.

Thank you re metformin - I figure it’s something…. 🤞

I don't know why I have even done this to myself.....

Really this ought to be 2-3 by now not 1-2. I know it isn't an exact science, and there's still a part of me that is simply happy to see the word pregnant as it's truly validating for me that this baby is real.

However, in my heart I have a fear that this may be all the baby I get. I'm afraid it won't be progressing past this point and I almost feel at peace with it. At least this way if my scan brings bad news it won't be such a horrible shock.

The last bloods I had only raised 38% which is devastating really after the first two 200% rises.

It could still be okay. It's possible. It's just less likely.

I'm praying for my little bean to be in the right place ❤️ but bracing myself to hear that something is wrong.

Hello @MocktailMe

You really are going through it at the moment. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you, but completely understand the self preservation. Keep us updated xx

H y @MocktailMe how is it going now? We are all rooting for you! 💜 it must be super hard and nerve-wracking already losing early pregnancies before but hope you are keeping optimistic as best as you can!

No news no change. No more bleeding. My tests are no longer faint, they are very clearly positive but the control line is still darker (Wondfo) and they don't seem to be getting any darker any more either just seems static.

I've felt really rough honestly this last few days. Doing my best to stay positive but also really keep my expectations in check. I'm also fighting the urge to book a private scan. I'm only just six weeks and I know if I wait a week the chances of getting a solid answer either way will be much better. If I leave after an inconclusive scan I won't feel any better and risk being reassured or scared unnecessarily. This is the longest wait and it's taking its toll on me emotionally.

Hey @MocktailMe, coming from someone who went through all this uncertainty in a similar way from the point of view of early scans. I had an early scan at 6w5d and this was the one and only time we saw our little bean with a heart beat. This scan filled me with so much hope and actually relaxed me, but inevitably was for nothing considering the outcome. But in some weird way, the fact we saw our baby brings me comfort and validation now. I did have 3 other scans (one to confirm not ectopic, one to confirm growth and then the final scan which provided confirmation of MC).

I can’t really offer advice as it’s such a personal decision and your circumstances/worries are slightly different as my line progression was ok, but I did measure behind consistently on the scans I had. I guess what I am trying to say is I don’t regret the early scans I had.. but I am definitely someone who feels like they need to know what’s happening or my anxiety can take over. It’s hard to put myself back into that mindset, but the scans did help me from the perspective of not having to wait as long between finding out what’s going on. I found the 2 weeks the hospital wanted me to wait between scans crippling so one of my scans were private to break up that anxiety in my head.

I’m really hoping you get a good positive outcome but your feelings and worries are so valid. The mental load is horrendous and for me it felt much heavier than TTC.

Thank you so much for sharing.

I think if I knew I would hear a heartbeat and know the baby was in the right place, but then later miscarried I would feel the same way - greatful to have seen my baby, happy I at least had that moment and validated by the reality of them with me.

It's the ectopic fear holding me back, but I just don't know if I can wait until next Friday.

In relation to my scan to ascertain whether my pregnancy was ectopic this was when I was measuring 5w1d (due to what was seen) although should have been 6w. They could clearly see at that scan my pregnancy wasn’t ectopic as there was a sac and yolk sac (no baby yet). Not sure how that would make you feel, but on that basis they should be able to determine the location for you even if scanned sooner than next week. Not sure if any of that helps with your decision, but just wanted to share. Please feel free to tell me to shut up if you don’t want to hear it!!!

I would never tell you to shut up! I really value and appreciate you sharing this stuff with me.

I think if I was to see that and know the baby was at the very least in my uterus I would feel slightly reassured on the ectopic side, however if I only saw a sac and no heartbeat I know I would then start stressing about that too, it's hard.

I think I'm also concerned that hearing bad news in a private clinic will be much harder than down at EPU. I've been to one before with a friend and remember it was plastered with photos of babies and a section to choose gender reveal stuff - cannons, magnets, photo frames balloons etc. If I got definitive bad news in that environment I would struggle to cope. At least at EPU there is a quiet room and all the stuff on the walls is incredibly sensitive and mindful of loss. I'd also be in the right place to immediately discuss next steps and get a medical plan in place, wheras at a private clinic i would just have to drive home reeling.

What I really want is to be given a scan now but at EPU and that option just isn't on the table right now which is tough.

I'm signed off work at the moment and for now I'm just going to keep up the self care. I will continue to do pregnancy tests as it is the only thing I can do for any semblance of control and then I'll just do my best to stay patient and know some answers are coming.

I think the general understanding of pregnancy loss that's often portrayed is so cut and dry and the reality is actually weeks of uncertainty and management etc. Its really not talked about enough. This is already barely portrayed in media and when it is it's very much woman is pregnant, woman bleeds heavily, pregnancy is over. In reality there seems to be a lot more grey than that, and even once a baby dies it isn't necessarily over in the way that people would expect. Even with ectopic - most people I told last time seemed to expect that I woke up one day in agonising pain and was rushed to a&e whereby the pregnancy was diagnosed and removed. The reality was a lot less dramatic and much more lonely and dragged out.

Of course for some people it is a single instance of terrifying bleeding and emergency care, but there's a lot more of us out there who deal with slow loss, long waits, cautious approaches and dragged out aftercare. This is something I wasn't prepared for prior to getting pregnant and the frequent discussion of 'chemical pregnancy' on here really lead to me believing all loss prior to 8 weeks would simply be a late period and a quick switch to 'not pregnant' again.

If there's one thing I'd been prepared for I wish it had been that there's a lot of grey space around loss. Nothing is as cut and dry as expected.

@MocktailMe Completely understand. That is such a valid thought re the private scan clinic, that environment is not sensitive at all.

Good call on the time off work and self care, absolutely needed right now.

I echo every single word you said. I had 4 and weeks worth of waiting and scans before I found out that I had infact miscarried. There is 0 information out there or support from health services. I sympathise with the reaction from people in relation to your ectopic, as I’m sure it felt like they were minimising what you went through and that isn’t ok.

In all honesty, the worry continues post MC regardless of how the MC is managed. I am stilll waiting for the negative, still faintly positive now. I am still waiting and anxious as my period is yet to return. This is 6 and half weeks after my first surgery and 3 weeks after my second. There should be so much more support available. I was never offered any referral to support services or anything throughout my journey as it’s classed as an early loss and seen as common. I don’t think that is fair. I really hope you too don’t have to experience all of this.

Thank you, it really was quite minimising. I do know I'm lucky I avoided surgery last time, but slowly losing the pregnancy (with the risk of rupture there til the very end) was really really awful and scary - but much harder for people to comprehend. I think people find it easier to know what to say about surgery. When you say expectant management no one knows what that really means, and it's a phrase that really doesn't sound particularly stressful or dangerous. It actually sounds very calm and easy.

I'm so sorry, this must be hell waiting for the line to finally disappear. To think you've been going through this since last year is just unbelievable. I do think with early loss people do expect you to just pick yourself up and try again - even if that physically isn't possible like with yourself.

It's not an NHS organisation, and the phone line hours are daytime, but I have rang and spoke to the miscarriage association a few times. It's a helpline that can give some advice but is also there to simply let you talk to someone about what you're experiencing and someone will listen to you. It has really helped me as outside of this forum I don't feel that comfortable talking about my feelings about what happened to me; I'm paranoid people think I'm overreacting or about making them feel uncomfortable. There's no worry with that when speaking to a helpline.

Hi ladies @Tater05 @bramarcan @KT199 @KTB34 @CharLdn @CosmoMango @lavafield @Waitingformiracle how is everyone getting on? How is TTC/recovery/pregnancy going? Would love to hear all your updates. Also @CharLdn how is your husband doing now?

I'm currently still pregnant and only four days to go now until my scan to find out if things are okay after the bleeding or if this is another ectopic or anything. Getting even more nervous as the time comes!

Attached is line progression from the last few days.

For some context here is a test exactly one week ago (the last time I had bloods done which were 82) and then today - I can see there has been a difference but let's just hope it's enough.

Hi @MocktailMe your line progression looks promising! Has all the bleeding stopped? How are you feeling physically otherwise? Not long till the scan! Are you getting an early scan at 6-7 weeks?

I actually have news, thanks for asking!
I got my first ever BFP on Thursday, at 9DPO. I was still negative at 8DPO.
I have been obsessively testing multiple times a day even though I know HCG should double every two days only. I think I can see some line progression, but ever so slightly? I got a nice "pregnant 1-2" on digital too. But super early days of course, I am only 13 DPO, and am fully aware of my risks being 40+ so trying to manage expectations. And those of my DP. I haven't even missed my period yet.
I had some pretty painful cramping right in the uterus over the weekend, not sure if it is a good sign or not to have cramping after BFP. It has now subsided, but also don't know if it is a good sign 😂. I also worry that the lines on the last two cheapies are slightly fainter but it is a new batch, the strips are longer even.

Congratulations! I'm so pleased for you and I really really hope everything works out and this is a sticky little bean.

I did have cramping have been told by EPU that can be absolutely normal and I do know for sure my HCG rose after the cramping (and bleeding) so definitely didn't mean the end of everything. Obviously I'm not certain this is a normal healthy pregnancy, but EPU did say cramping can happen and be totally normal and is common.

I've not had any more bleeding whatsoever, bit of very light cramping not exactly painful just there. I've also been feeling extremely sick and that's been happening for about ten days now.

Your lines are definitely getting darker.

My scan is booked for 7 + 1 based on LMP but I actually think will be more like 6 as I am pretty certain I didn't ovulate at CD 14 - I think more like 20/21.

Good morning ladies, hope everyone is well! I was on holiday this week, back to work today so catching up on here!

@MocktailMe what a range of emotions you must be feeling, please let us know how your scan goes !

@lavafield congratulations 🥰 this looks very promising !

@KT199 so sorry to read you’ve had to go through what you have, the aftercare is shocking isn’t it! I had a reply to the complaint I made about my MC aftercare, basically just said sorry but we done everything right 🙄 apart from my GP who did acknowledge they should’ve taken my concerns more seriously !

As for me, I’m 13w 2d today. Had my 12 week scan which went well, patiently waiting until the next one now and still taking every day as it comes 🤞🏽

Thank you ladies! @MocktailMe I am glad that the bleeding has stopped, fingers crossed it all goes well from now on!! x
@KTB34 thank you! You must feel some relief now at 13+ weeks and after the first scan! Sending positive vibes for the rest of your pregnancy!
@KT199 Sorry to hear about your MC and the aftermath of it, I hope you are healing and starting to look forward to the months ahead!

I am only 3 weeks 6 days, if all goes well past my missed period this Tuesday/Wednesday I will call GP etc.

I am getting convinced it is all very random, we only DTD once (!) in the this month, at O-2, I had multiple trips so literally didn't have much hope for this month. We have been trying for 10 months but I would say only about 7-8 were more or less timed.

Also interestingly enough, I just saw a private fertility consultant a couple of weeks ago to get things started to be investigated, and he was pleased with my AMH and all the hormones, but prescribed hycosy and thrombophilia screen to check my blood viscosity, which apparently can play a role in early pregnancy. I will on obviously wait on hycosy now but will proceed with that blood test next week to be sure I don't need aspirin or heparin etc.

@KTB34 im sorry about the response you've had to your complaint. Honestly that is so uncaring! I am really pleased to hear you had a great scan though and I'm excited for you. Hopefully things feel a bit less scary over the 12 week mark.

@lavafield couldn't agree more, it is random. There's been times I've had way more sex than the two cycles I got pregnant. I have everything crossed for you to have a successful pregnancy!

I've got a bit of dangerous renewed hope today as my clearblue has gone to 2-3. I never had this before.

@MocktailMe this is what happened with our second (current) pregnancy. First time we had 1-2 and was really behind at the first private scan. With this pregnancy we were only measuring a day out! Interestingly when I went for the NHS scan I was actually about 5 days behind what the private one said as baby was big enough to do accurate measurements. Guess what I’m trying to say it we did the private one to check everything was in the right place, heartbeat etc and glad we did it definitely helped with the anxiety 2nd time round. I only tested twice in this pregnancy but the anxious feeling never goes away, take each day as it comes.

@MocktailMe thank you and for you too! Your digital test progressing to 2-3 weeks looks promising, all the best wishes for the little bean to grow and develop healthy and happy!