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Conception

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Original poster

Am I too young to be a mum?

115 replies

ellemummy · 02/02/2024 23:19

Im 16 years old and live in england, I'm in a hairdressing programme and am currently looking for work. Me and my boyfriend have been together almost a year now and have been talking about babies for a long time, as I have younger sisters and would like to have one of my own. He earns his own money and is moving into his own house soon, where I will be living with him. We think that maybe when we are settled in this house maybe we should start trying to have a baby and stop using contraception, but how do I know if this is the right decision? My mum said she would be angry at first but would support me, but I am currently living with my dad who would not be very happy. I think we would be good parents and have a dog together, who we both look after very well. Should I live my dream and have a baby of my own or wait until I am older? All opinions welcome thank you!!

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 02/02/2024 23:21

I think wait a few years. Enjoy life first.

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 02/02/2024 23:24

Yes you're too young. Others may not agree with me, and I'm not saying that you wouldn't be a good mum because of your age, but you are so young, there are loads of things you haven't had the opportunity to do yet. Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend, give yourself a chance to be young and make youthful mistakes without the responsibility of another human being who is completely reliant on you.

Mamoun · 02/02/2024 23:25

You should wait. Enjoy life, work and if in 5 years you and your boyfriend are still solid go for it!
That's only my opinion !

Mimami · 02/02/2024 23:25

I think you are too young, give it least a couple of years, get a job first, ideally start building up some savings if you can. You'll also have some maternity leave and either a post to come back to or at least the experience and skills to use later on to be financially independent. How old is your boyfriend?

Rose38 · 02/02/2024 23:25

Once you have a baby, you will both have that extra responsibility. More so for you...mums don't switch off..it's every second of every day for them. Wouldn't you want to have fun together just the two of you now while you are still young? Like go out when you want to or go on holidays together for example. All of that changes once you have a child. You can no longer do whatever you feel like and life revolves around that child. I think you need to think about it some more. Look around and I'm guessing your friends are no where near having a family...wouldn't you also want to be just a couple for now? There is no rush.

fedupandstuck · 02/02/2024 23:27

I'd wait until you're legally an adult at least, so 18 or older.

If you live with your boyfriend in his house, you are in big trouble if you ever split as you would be homeless. He wouldn't be.

Think about how long you'd need to be employed in a job before getting maternity pay, and if you can find a job that gives you more maternity pay than the legal minimum. Hairdressers are often self employed and would have to fund any maternity leave themselves.

Don't you have any things you'd like to experience, like travel, events, gigs etc before you become responsible for another human being 24/7?

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 02/02/2024 23:27

at the very least you need to fully finish your program, have a couple years of strong workplace experience and add in a specialty on top.
you need to be prepared to fully support yourself and a little one.

CherrySocks · 02/02/2024 23:29

I think you are too young - this is your opportunity to live your life before you become a parent. Also it is better for the baby if you have had more experience as an adult. At the moment you don't know what you don't yet know, if you see what I mean. There are a lot of other things you could do before moving onto the parent stage. It would be better if you had several years experience as a hairdresser before you try to take maternity leave.

Normandy144 · 02/02/2024 23:30

Start working and building a life together first if that's what you want. Build up savings etc so you can afford to go on maternity leave. Concentrate on getting qualified and building a career first so that you will have a reliable income and something to go back to. Protect yourself and start putting into a pension. If at 21 you're still keen to have a baby then go ahead. It wouldn't be wise to do it at 16.

Wishitsnows · 02/02/2024 23:31

Yes you are too young because you are not thinking about what would be better for the baby. It would be better if you finished your programme and found work first also see how it is living with your boyfriend for a few years first to see if you are compatible before bringing a baby into it

OurfriendsintheNE · 02/02/2024 23:31

Wait until you’re older. Spend time with your friends and have fun before you take on piles of responsibility. I would go further and advise not moving in with your boyfriend for a few more years either. Enjoy being young and having your freedom before getting bogged down in a daily household grind!

Singleandproud · 02/02/2024 23:32

Get yourself in a position where you could be self sufficient and independent first. So that if your relationship breakdown (very common in young couples) or you or he were to get ill or have an accident you would be able to support yourself.

You have until you are around 40 to have babies, there are something's that are much easier to do when you are younger. Get your qualifications, save up for your own house that you can make a home so that you are an equal in your relationship, not relying on handouts from your boyfriend which leaves you in a precarious situation. Learn to drive so that you and your future family can go places.

I was fairly young, 23 when I had my daughter but I had already worked, had savings, travelled and been to university before I had her and had a fair bit of life experience under my belt. We get to share those experiences now.

Think past the cute baby stage. Babies don't stay small and cute long, they soon turn into children that want to do things, and you'll feel bad If you can't provide some of those things for them. If you are a teenage Mum with few qualifications or work experience it'll be near impossible to take your child on holiday, to afford to learn to drive so that you can take them to the sports competitions or pay out for other activities.

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 02/02/2024 23:33

Also a year is a really short time to be in a relationship especially when you have no real responsibilities, are living apart and know that your parents will be there to do the hard stuff.

I was with DH 14 years, married for 8 before we had DD, I love DH deeply, we've been together 23 years now, but when DD came along it was hard. You are full of hormones, sleep is a distant memory, you're attached to this small person 24/7 who needs you to do everything for them. It's easy to be resentful or irritated by your partner, there were times I felt like I could have just killed him if I could get up the energy to move. Lots of relationships end when children enter the picture, because they change your focus, they reset your priorities, your boyfriend will no longer be the most important person to you.

Unless you are confident that you could, if needed, be a single parent, don't rush into it.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2024 23:33

Please, please don't get pregnant now. Think about what would be best for a child, and it's not having a teenage mum with no resources. Trying to have a baby now, at your age, is pure selfishness and immaturity.

Having a baby is fucking hard. It is not a game of playing happy families.

Original poster

ellemummy · 02/02/2024 23:35

I know waiting would be the best option and yes I do want to finish my course first and wait until ive saved up money to pay and have stable income, but I really dont spend money on anything else. A lot of people want to go out and drink and be social but my boyfriend and I spend most of our time together at home, sometimes going to see films or bowling etc. So I dont feel like it will be difficult to provide, as well as getting help from my family and his family. Am I being selfish for wanting to rush into it? My mum had me at 17, her brother had his daughter at 15, and her mum had her at 16, so it wouldnt be out of the ordinary necessarily but it still feels like young parents get a lot of shame like they aren't mature enough or earning enough. Not sure, think I should wait until working and stable.

OP posts:

Lifesd · 02/02/2024 23:36

With respect yes you are far too young. Get qualified properly, travel and live gig life before getting pregnant. Is all you want from life to be tied down looking after babies? Also read a few threads on here about women who aren’t married, aren’t on property deeds and who are left single mothers with no maintenance. How old is your boyfriend?

minipie · 02/02/2024 23:37

Yes, you are too young. Honestly a baby is really really hard work and nothing like having younger siblings or a dog. Also you need to see what it’s like living together first and if it works well. And ideally complete your training, get a job and be there long enough to be eligible for maternity pay.

Give it at least a couple of years.

Bearpawk · 02/02/2024 23:38

Work hard and earn money and get yourself into a position whereby if you split up, you could afford to be a single parent.
Living in someone else's home and not working is very dangerous: you'd end up homeless if you separated.

Original poster

ellemummy · 02/02/2024 23:38

Boyfriend is almost 18, we go out sometimes but both of us are content staying at home.

OP posts:

ramonaquimby · 02/02/2024 23:40

It seems that history repeats itself in that women who are young mums go to be young grandparents ie their daughters have children in their teens. Too young. Life a little. Enjoy being young. Get some qualifications. Most kids are still in school until they are 18

fedupandstuck · 02/02/2024 23:40

It's not about shaming young parents. It's about simple facts that in many cases they are not in stable situations and don't have the financial or life resources to get out of any tricky situations.

Wouldn't you want to set up any possible child with a stable home, a stable family and so on?

fourelementary · 02/02/2024 23:42

With respect- you’re not even old enough to go out legally drinking. You’ve not had a holiday abroad with your boyfriend. There is so so much more of the world and of life that you can experience before experiencing motherhood. Being a mum is wonderful and many young mums are also wonderful but ALL of them have to sacrifice themselves and miss out on things that other young women get to enjoy. Go enjoy life for a few years, as others have said- ensure YOU (not just your bf) have some income and earnings and an ability to put a roof over your own head… or at least get married so you’ve got rights.
Finish your qualification, have a holiday and some legal drinking! Enjoy!! Then make babies.

2chocolateoranges · 02/02/2024 23:44

You’re only 18, you’ve only been together a year and you are training at your job.

get qualified, get yourself a job, a nice place to live and have fun just you and your boyfriend for a few years before adding a baby into the mix. A baby is hard work and it tests your relationship.

Singleandproud · 02/02/2024 23:44

Why not talk to your mum about her experiences? I'm sure she loves you, but having children young is hard.

Think back on your childhood - how was that experience, are there things that you would like to do differently? In some families (and communities) it's normal to have generations of young mum's and it's the norm but that means they also dont know any alternative and what else is possible.

It's not a stigma to be shameful about, but purposefully having a child you are going to rely on other people to help bring up whether parents or the state is a poor decision.
If you were independently wealthy at your age people would still advise you not to have a child at 16 because you are barely grown yourself and there is such life to experience first. You haven't been independent yet, you don't know who you are, what you like and dislike which are all things we find out about ourselves as we get older.

Cheshiresun · 02/02/2024 23:46

First reaction would be yes too young. But don't leave it too late either as it took us 10 years to finally get pregnant!

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