Am I too young to be a mum?

[ellemummy]

Im 16 years old and live in england, I'm in a hairdressing programme and am currently looking for work. Me and my boyfriend have been together almost a year now and have been talking about babies for a long time, as I have younger sisters and would like to have one of my own. He earns his own money and is moving into his own house soon, where I will be living with him. We think that maybe when we are settled in this house maybe we should start trying to have a baby and stop using contraception, but how do I know if this is the right decision? My mum said she would be angry at first but would support me, but I am currently living with my dad who would not be very happy. I think we would be good parents and have a dog together, who we both look after very well. Should I live my dream and have a baby of my own or wait until I am older? All opinions welcome thank you!!

You're 16, you have no job and no secure home. Give it a few more years once you've built up some savings and are more secure in your relationship, living together and paying a mortgage etc.

I’m sure everyone in your family would say that having a child was hard, but worth it.
When you have a child, it WILL be worth it, but it doesn’t have to be as hard as it was for your parents.

Get qualified. Get a stable career. Make sure you can stand on your own two feet if needed. Make sure you have a good, solid relationship.
Doing those things are the very first things a good parent does.

Get your hairdresser qualifications then at least you have something behind you.
16 is very young to have a child, regardless whether you go out or stay at home.
A baby is not a doll you just put down when you’ve had enough and want to do something else , like watch a film or read a book
They wake , when you want to sleep, they cry and you don’t know why ? They don’t have a bedtime when you do and go to sleep

please wait till your qualified , have lived with your BF for at least 2 years, nobody regardless of age knows what it’s actually like to live with someone 24/7 until they have done it for a while

You have years and years to have a baby. Kindly, you might be happy and content staying in with your boyfriend just now, but you don't have experience of much else yet. Get a job, live a little, have some fun. Experience living in the world as an adult for a while. Babies are hard work, they'll test you and your relationship a lot more than a dog will.

Ooh OP you are a lot too young.

Have some fun first, get some qualifications and experience so you earn decent money, be very sure you are with the right bloke. You want to finish your course, build up your experience at a couple of salons and then think about whether you want to work mobile or from home (which can be easier with kids), but then you’d want a couple of years to build up your client list. You also want to have been in a relationship for a good 5 years.

You are just enjoying your first taste of freedom, don’t give that up till you have had a chance to figure out who you are. Having a baby with little money isn’t much fun, looking after a baby on your own with no money (young relationships like yours are much less likely to last) is no fun at all - worse than that it can mean you are always behind and can never make up your earning power or give your kids the opportunities and support you might have done had you waited to be fully adult.

It’s wrong to shame very young parents but there is a reason people don’t think it’s a good idea.

Think about it again when you are say 22 to 25, but not before that.

I would say you’re too young yes. I’m not judging you at all and I completely understand the temptation. I’ve been broody since I was a little girl and I wanted to get pregnant as a teenager as well. Thankfully my partner is more sensible and patient than me and insisted we waited until we were older and financially stable. I’ve recently had my first baby at 25. Waiting all those years was hard but in hindsight it was absolutely the right decision. We own our own home now and I was able to go to university and get decent qualifications. We also went on loads of holidays and had great life experiences together that we would have struggled to have with a baby. You’re only 16. You likely have 20 years of good fertility ahead of you at least, there’s no rush. Live your own life first.

My advice, as someone who fell pregnant at 16, wait.
If you want a baby, I recommend getting on the housing ladder, and seriously thinking about what other things you want out of life.
Like learning to drive, travelling to a few places with your boyfriend.

Have a little bit of a life for yourself first.

Renting, whilst having children can be quite scary, given the lack of stability. I know some people who through no fault of their own are moved on every 6 months or year.

Having a baby is a really beautiful experience, and motherhood is my favourite thing I've ever embarked on, but I wish I would have waited so I could have provided a little bit better for DD in her early years.

Really though, enjoy some of your life whilst you're young. Enjoy having a few years of money to yourself and freedom to sleep when you want before your needs come second after a babies.

I know a lot of women my age (33) who had their first at 17/18, and are still having babies into their 30s, and its quite sad to realise we will spend most of our lives wrapped up in motherhood, without knowing what it was to just think of ourselves.

I had my daughter at 16. I love her to pieces, but I would not recommend it to 99.9% of 16yo.

Please don't do it. You have so much living and growing still to do. You and your boyfriend. In ten years time you will be entirely different people to the people you are today, and a baby will not make any of that growth, change and learning any easier. Babies are such, such hard work. I have three dogs and it's just not comparable at all to a human child, so cast away the idea that because you can look after a dog together you'll be good parents.

My daughter is 16 now and I'd be devastated if she got pregnant. I can't think of a single one of her 16yo friends who would be a good parent. I wasn't a good parent, I was just incredibly lucky to have a huge family, an incredibly supportive mother, and lots of aunties to help me raise my child. It really, really isn't a good idea.

You have literally no life experience to benefit a child, it’s all about you and no consideration of what a child needs. You, you, you.

No, children should not have children. Come back in another 16 years when you may actually be a whole person with something to offer.

Jesus wept.

You think having children that young is the norm because that is what your family has done. The age of first time Mothers overall in England has risen to around 30 years of age.

You haven’t even lived together yet and need to really get a measure of how you are living together because I will tell you love is not enough to make a relationship. Plus did you know that brains do not fully mature until you are about 28. It’s why many young couples do not make it, they change too much.

Move in together and enjoy a few years together first.

Yes far too young! How will you and your boyfriend financially support a child, your still theoretically a cold yourself at 16, wait until you've lived a bit.

While I don't doubt you would be a great mum. There is such a tiny time in life when you can prioritise your wants.

Take that time, travel, party, explore who you are, jump out of a plane, climb mountains, rally drive, etc because after you become a parent it becomes a lot more complicated.

I know this is hard to hear but your mother barely blinked and you are a grown woman. I have the equivalent 6ft odd son myself and like you he has the wonderful enthusiasm to get on in life.

But do take some time for yourself. Be a tiny bit selfish, honestly it will make you a better parent.

@ellemummy read the lone parent board, there's also another interesting thread in AIBU about having kids you can't afford....

Baby aside could you afford to rent alone? It's utter madness OP.

Yes, you are too young. Your brain is still developing until you are 25. You're still a child. You will be a better parent when you're older and your brain is mature.

Finish your course. Get married. Save money for a deposit on a house. Go on at least one holiday abroad. Save money for the baby/maternity leave and enjoy a full year at home bonding with your baby without having to stress about money and going back to work.

My dd is close to your age. My advice to her is that being able to support herself and any children independently is absolutely critical. If she can’t afford to have a baby on her own, she isn’t ready.

The reason is because you never know what is going to happen with the father of your child. He could be the nicest man in the world, but sometimes the stress of parenting and adulthood changes people. You want financial independence so you always have the ability to leave. Far too many women and children end up trapped in abusive homes because of money.

i grew up in an abusive home. I’ve kept my dd safe. Now I am teaching her to keep herself safe.

you need an education and an established career before you have a baby. You need to know that if something goes wrong, there is nothing stopping you from earning enough to pay the bills solo.

You say "I know waiting would be the best option". Yes, you're right.

You say how your mother had you at 17, your uncle fathered a daughter at 15 (!!) etc, but this doesn't mean it's the best thing, it just shows that it sometimes happens.

Your boyfriend is also so young, too. It's very very unlikely that he'd hang around for long after having a baby with you. This isn't the ideal life for you or a child.

Wait. Get your qualifications and a steady job. Wait until you're older with a more mature partner or husband who can be relied upon.

I completely understand your desire to have children young. That was me! All I ever wanted was to be a mum. I got my first bf at 17 and fell pregnant with my son at 19. I grew up real quick when he came along but it was me making all the sacrifices. I'm sure your bf is lovely and he has every intention of being a great dad but when it comes down to it, you will become the default parent and if he decides to check out, it's on you. I was working fulltime when I fell pregnant. I got full maternity pay and was lucky enough to return on a job share so i wasn't paying so much in childcare but do you know how expensive childcare is?!!! Or do you not intend on working after? That isn't ideal either. Living on one income is hard. And if he leaves and you have no qualifications or work experience...benefits is a struggle. Trust me. I've been down that road too. I got made redundant and struggled to find work that fit around my child. I'm in a much better position now I'm older. I met my now husband when my son was 2. We got married and had a daughter when I was 25. I felt much better equipt that time around! You need to set yourself up first. Continue with your hairdressing course. Get a job. Do that for a few years. Hairdressing is sooo lucrative! You can be a mobile hairdresser and work around your childcare commitments. Work on you first, then kids.

OP I had my first at 19, which is worlds away from 16, and whilst I don't regret it, I was completely naive about the reality. This month my bills come to £1800, I barely have enough money left to eat. Do you earn that? Plus more for when you're on maternity leave and then for childcare? You can't rely on your boyfriend to provide for you both, you barely know him or the kind of life partner/father he would be.

Maybe the reason you dont ‘go out’ of an evening / weekend and only go bowling etc, is because neither of you are 18 and arent legally allowed in a pub or buy an alcoholic drink?

Please please don't do this. Live a little, find your feet, save some money, get a career going. 16 is far far too young. I had my kids at 29 and 42. Both times have been wonderful but desperately hard in equal measure. You are barely out of childhood. You have loads of time to consider parenting. Love and spoil your sisters but please don't do that yet.

Until you can support yourself financially don’t even think about it.

I think you would be stupid to have kids at this age. you should wait til you have at least been together a few years !!! not 1!!! 1 year is nothing, 3 years minimum and also living together before babies come. You never truly know someone until you've lived with them (I have ended 3 relationships because they were horrid to live with)

With peace and love OP, please live your life first.

Once you have a baby you will not get chances you could have had for a very long time.

Don't you want to see the world? Have some girlie weekends? Be more financially stable? Build a really amazing fulfilling career? and then settle down and have a baby?

Babies are really hard work and even harder on a relationship. You won't have your alone time once you've had a baby. It will never be just the two of you ever again (well until your child moves out)

Babies are a blessing but sweet, you need to live your life first! You only have one life so please think long and hard and don't rush your younger years by having a baby.

Why would you want to bring a baby up in poverty?
How much money do you have saved? Is the housing secure? What the housing situation? Where will you get money from? How much money? How will you support the baby and yourself? How will you work? How will you afford childcare? Do you know how much childcare costs? A full time nursery place for one child can cost over £1,500 per month.
What if the child has additional needs? What if your boyfriend leaves you? What if you get postnatal depression?

Why would you have a baby when you're a literal child yourself when you can wait 2-4 years, establish a career and become financially Independent so you can support yourself and the baby when your boyfriends leaves you both for dust.

Have a few years just looking after yourself. It’s not just having a baby it’s being totally responsible for it for a long time. All your wants and needs come second. I love being a mum and was still young at 22 . But have some nice holidays and spoil yourself for a while yet x