We both want a second baby but husband avoids sex

[Lola19]

Hi there,

im not really looking for an answer as such more just to vent and see if anyone else is or has been in a similar situation?

Basically our sex life has declined a lot over the years. I don’t have a massive sex drive but would like it more often. We both really want a second baby, my first is nearly 2 years old. We talk about it all the time and husband will even bring up the topic on his own. But the problem is every time my fertile period comes around he’s “too tired” and we only manage to DTD once (twice if I’m lucky). It’s been since December now and nothings happened. I have tried explaining the whole process to him and why we need to dtd more than once during my fertile week. He listens and agrees and promises that next month he will try but every time he just refuses. It’s now at the stage where he says I’m making it weird, putting too much pressure on him, nagging him so he has asked me the last two months to “back off” with my advances and “not to mention it at all” just let him know when it will be and HE will make the first move. So I’ve taken this onboard, stepped back and waited. Both months we have only dtd once on the day I get my positive opk.
We had the same problem trying to conceive my son and the first time he finally went along with my schedule of dtd 4 times during my fertile week guess what!! We fell pregnant! I’ve tried to use this as an example. But nothing works and I’m getting so frustrated at the situation as there is nothing I can do. He is now getting super defensive about it all which is making it worse as now I feel like I can’t even mention ttc without him shutting me down for “nagging”.
Every month I track my ovulation and it’s heartbreaking knowing when your ovulating but not being able to try.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

also just to add I am 100 percent sure that he definitely wants a second as he insists he does and talks about it without any prompting from me!

His actions are telling you that he cares more about work than he does about you or having another baby. After all the effort you've obviously put in just for him to say he's not interested in having sex or he doesn't like to know when you're ovulating, or he doesn't like how fake it feels or he'll instigate and then he doesn't bother - don't you feel like he's just taking the piss now?

You say he's blunt and to the point - maybe it's time for you to get blunt and to the point. I'd be getting rather pissy right about now - stop prioritising work and start prioritising me and our family. If you want a baby then start making the fricking effort and stop making fucking excuses.

Take him to the doctor and have the doctor explain to him how rashly he's throwing away your fertility and lifetime chances to have a child. He could be throwing your dreams down the toilet.

If you want to build muscle you get up and you go the gym whether you're a little bit tired that day or not. If you're not willing to go to the gym then you don't really want to build muscle.

He's allowing himself to be in denial or delusional about your fertility because it's not being spelled out in front of him. I think you need to book doctors appointments so the doctors can explain to him how badly he's ruining your chances of fulfilling your life goals.

You only have a few years left in which you can conceive a child and you need to know NOW if it's with him so that if not you can move on and find someone else before you're infertile.

Do not let him squander your fertility.

I don’t mean to be rude but this is ridiculous, as if a GP will acquiesce to a demand to ‘explain it to him rashly’. And given what you have said OP, he has told you that he’s feeling this is the main reason you want sex, and this makes it feel unnatural etc for him - so being told he is ‘squandering your fertility’ is going to nothing but heap pressure and make it worse. I think you need to listen to him, I am not normally sympathetic to the menz but I think his feelings are valid, as are yours. I think you need to make him feel loved and cared for, and that the sex is part of ttc but also an expression of how you love one another etc. It sounds like you’re trying you’re best to do all this but the more you are understanding of him, the more likely he will be able to listen to how you are feeling, your fears about timescales.

@Lola19 I don't think the syringe and pot idea is a bad one. We've been TTC for over 2 years and both have low sex drives (especially DH)

We are way past romance and desire, it's a military operation during fertile week and sometimes we can't face DTD again, the pot and syringe takes the pressure off us both

@tableofjelly OP would not be eligible for a fertility referral on the NHS - she already has a living child and hasn't been actively trying by medical definition.

I'm sorry @Lola19 - the pressure on both sides is unreal. It took us 3 years to have our wee girl and we both really struggled at times. I was almost 'looking forward' to IVF so we could separate our sex life from TTC!

Why would she not be eligible? She’s 37 and been ttc since December (that’s 7+ months). She says they’ve been having sex once or twice during fertile week. Def counts. There isn’t a threahold for how many times you have sex to count as trying 🙄.

OP, I think you should suggest the syringe and pot. You can’t pussy foot around the fact you are ttc to spare your husbands delicate feelings. If he’s too tired / not in the mood for sex, fair enough. He can make a deposit in the pot. If that feels too emasculating / clinical for him, then he can step up and do what needs to be done.

He’s a grown man not a delicate flower that needs his ego to be massaged/ pampered. If he wants another baby , he needs to do what he needs to do to get it. If he doesn’t really want another baby he needs to stop stringing you along. It’s not fair. I’m sure you’re not always in the mood, but somehow you manage right? Then you’ve got 9 months of preg and birth ahead of you. Really his role is very easy and he can at least find a way to manage that.

Wouldn’t be eligible as already has a child like PP said

Oh sorry I thought the pp was responding about fertility testing. She wouldn’t be eligible for IVF, but you can still get testing, investigations etc.

Once during the two-three most fertile days should be enough.....

It can take time. 7 months is not that long. If it gets to a year speak to the GP. If you manage it once during the fertile time each month that should be enough. Don't put too much pressure on it.....

I've been married to my wife for 16 years we had a son he's 13 years old now I'm 38 and my wife is 34 and I want to have a second but my wife had complications when we had my son she has PCOS that is untreated we are now in marriage counseling because she just told me this 4 years ago that she has PCOS she tells me to stop bringing it up during marriage counseling I need to know how to get over not being able to have a second child I love my wife with all my heart I understand all the complications that come with PCOS any suggestions would be very helpful

Pressure pressure. Have sex anytime enjoy and see what happens lol

He also brings up the topic of having another baby and talking about the future as a family of 4!?

Sorry OP. He's bullshitting you.

Take it from me, better to be a single mum than someone talking about something that will never happen.

Why twist yourself into all kinds of bullshit he talks than making a great life for you and your child by yourself.

Take it from me. You owe yourself and your child a better life than someone who can't make up his mind. Or is stringing you along.

He’s stringing you along with comments about being pregnant and comments about being a family of four whilst simultaneously and purposefully avoiding having sex with you when he knows you’re fertile?

He sounds cruel and controlling to me.

Is he getting some kind of enjoyment from this twisted and manipulative game he’s playing with you?

I bet he’s loving seeing your desperation and the level of control he has.

You could tell him you can go to fertility treatment instead of having the pressure to have sex. You could try something like ask to have someone monitor your cycle, then on your most fertile day do an interuterine insemination (IUI) where he masturbates into a cup, they put that into a sort of syringe type thing and then inseminator directly close to your cervix with a device. They can do this with hormone injections to get you to produce more eggs and stop you ovulating until the right moment, then a shot to trigger the release at the right moment. I am assuming they can also do it without the hormones and just finding when it seems you're about to ovulate. This is obviously invasive and expensive so maybe if you tell him this is an option he will concede that sex is easier and obviously better for you.

It doesn't have to be the best sex in the world, maybe he can masturbate beforehand and you just have very quick sec that does the job?

I'd be pointing out my biological clock is ticking and that the realisation of my dreams is on the line here. That might be pressure but you are under that pressure as a result of your biology whether you like it or not, so it is only fair for him to understand this.