We both want a second baby but husband avoids sex

[Lola19]

Hi there,

im not really looking for an answer as such more just to vent and see if anyone else is or has been in a similar situation?

Basically our sex life has declined a lot over the years. I don’t have a massive sex drive but would like it more often. We both really want a second baby, my first is nearly 2 years old. We talk about it all the time and husband will even bring up the topic on his own. But the problem is every time my fertile period comes around he’s “too tired” and we only manage to DTD once (twice if I’m lucky). It’s been since December now and nothings happened. I have tried explaining the whole process to him and why we need to dtd more than once during my fertile week. He listens and agrees and promises that next month he will try but every time he just refuses. It’s now at the stage where he says I’m making it weird, putting too much pressure on him, nagging him so he has asked me the last two months to “back off” with my advances and “not to mention it at all” just let him know when it will be and HE will make the first move. So I’ve taken this onboard, stepped back and waited. Both months we have only dtd once on the day I get my positive opk.
We had the same problem trying to conceive my son and the first time he finally went along with my schedule of dtd 4 times during my fertile week guess what!! We fell pregnant! I’ve tried to use this as an example. But nothing works and I’m getting so frustrated at the situation as there is nothing I can do. He is now getting super defensive about it all which is making it worse as now I feel like I can’t even mention ttc without him shutting me down for “nagging”.
Every month I track my ovulation and it’s heartbreaking knowing when your ovulating but not being able to try.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

also just to add I am 100 percent sure that he definitely wants a second as he insists he does and talks about it without any prompting from me!

Thank you @Keha it does give me hope! It’s just that we have been trying since December only managing to BD once most months and it’s not happened yet. But you never know we might just get lucky!

@HiCandles lol you know the way I’m feeling I actually would do that if my husband agreed! I do not think he would agree to it at all! But maybe suggesting it might help give him a nudge?

@Bluebell0921 your comments are so kind! Thank you!

I have the exact same problem OP. This month has been much better, but last month we DTD once or twice.

Same reason: he’s too tired because he works too much. I have also turned on all the tricks - lingerie, perfume, candles, wine etc

A few weeks ago, I ended up telling him, in tears, that I was really upset by the feeling of sexual rejection and that I really need him to change his attitude and help me conceive this baby, enjoyably and lovingly! I told him I won’t come onto him but if he sees a flower on my nightstand it means I’m fertile and we need to have sex 😅 It’s really worked because I don’t need to explicitly say the words ‘I am ovulating’ (passion killer!) and he gets to feel like he’s in the driving seat.

It’s great that your DH is so on board with growing the family. It’s very tricky to keep the spark alive when it’s peak time. My friends have had the same struggle. Please don’t let MNers tell you it’s ‘weird’ or ‘worrying’ that you and your DH can’t have constant sex.

Best of luck and lots of baby dust to you! 🤞🏻🍀

😂😂😂😂 you get how TTC works right?

Not weird, actually very common…

@FoodFann thabks so much for replying. It helps to know that other people have similar problems! Although obviously I’m sorry you are going through a similar thing. I did read a post on another forum from a few years ago with someone going through a similar thing and a common thread seemed to be “had a stressful job and was too tired”
That’s a really good idea with the flower on your bed stand! I’ve actually been resorting to texting him (even if he’s in the house at the time) because it’s easier than saying face to face “ hey im ovulating” when im fully aware it’s a total turn off for him! So trying something similar might be a good shout! Thanks x

Completely normal and it works.

My baby was conceived the week we thought was probably my fertile week and we went way OTT and did it a truly unnatural amount of times, more than when we first met. Exhausting, a bit forced, and it worked.

Go to your GP and get a referral to a fertility specialist (you could ask them to also put your partner's name on, but he might have to be at the appointment with you) then ask them to do IUI.

They can track your cycle, find out exactly when your ovulating and insert his sperm right into your fallopian tube. Not pleasant, but the pressure to have sex is gone. He will of course have to masturbate into a cup on the right day.

Brining him to such an appointment will also make him realise how serious you are, the lengths you'll go to and that it's not ok to just leave it to such low chances but only having sex once a month. Whilst in the appointment you should ask the specialist in front of him about your chances of conceiving as the female ages above 35 and hopefully he should be shocked into action.

I think it’s the pressure of it. Men tend to like to be the dominant one. If you try and force it and start chatting about ovulation it’s a massive turn off and turns you into a baby machine rather then a sexy women. Buy some toys, and turn it fun. Leave the ovulation and fertile week stuff at the door!

People have been conceiving since the dawn of time without knowing exactly when they ovulated.

Och I feel sorry for you both. Ttc in that ‘opk now go for it’ was a bit grim in my experience, took all the joy and things didn’t flow. DH didn’t like it either, too contrived. Personally we stopped after a few months of that and tried to take the pressure off. Reading on MN it sometimes seems like that’s the only way but I think there’s a lot to be said for giving that all up and just having sex when you both feel like it. What was your sex life pre kids? Why do you think he’s awkward discussing it?

This sounds very similar to my husband. Low sex drive and never seems keen to have sex - rather go sleep. He has even got very angry when I’ve talked about when we should have sex etc.
my husband never touches me in a sexy way, and that makes me feel sad sometimes. I like to be touched. Though he is an introvert and seems to go ‘into himself’ when dressed with work.
He is also a workaholic and gets up in the night to go work snd returns at 5pm the next day.
I’m beginning to think he has a problem with testosterone.
my husband has a sperm test next week.

Similar situation here, after several years of trying and a MMC, DH more and more saying too tired. He's a workaholic too. He's had semen analysis and bloods and all ok there with his hormones.
We've been using a pot and syringe some times around the fertile period to help take some pressure off. But on a referral waiting list for IVF too.

@Lola19 so sorry to hear you're struggling. I'm also 37 and know all too well how loud that ticking clock can be.

I think @Bluebell0921 offered some great advice.

Couple of other thoughts.. you've mentioned him being workaholic a couple of times. Is it possible he also has some financial concerns? Particularly with current financial situation! I think men feel the pressure to 'provide' a lot, and perhaps this is conflicting with his genuine desire for a bigger family and contributing to performance anxiety? Maybe not even consciously.

It does sound to me like the issue is also a bit broader than just to do with TTC as you mention his sex drive being generally quite low. I take it this hasn't always been the case? He may also be feeling insecure about his own attractiveness as you say he's not able to get to the gym etc.

In this situation I think I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of... "I know we both want another child but it feels like perhaps you're not in the best place right now for wanting to try straight away? Obviously with my age this is a concern for me, but I'm also worried about what is going on with you and how you're doing. Maybe we should take a couple of months without TTC and just inject a bit of fun back into our relationship? Does this sound good to you?" Then, put the opks etc away (I know .. this would be hard!) and just focus on having some fun together with no expectation of sex etc. It will be frustrating to have a couple of months off but may pay dividends in the longer term.

"People have been conceiving since the dawn of time without knowing exactly when they ovulated."
@Mumtothreegirlies

Because they've been having sex a lot for many years and from a young age without contraception.

Not OPs situation.

I 'hid' ovulation days from my husband, never told him.

On ovulation days I'd wear make up, perfume, and somewhat revealing clothing around the house always did the trick - we had sex all around the days I was ovulating.

A lot of men are put off by 'have sex with me because it's ovulation day'. It takes out excitement and spontaneity. They want us to 'want' them

I made it subtly so not too obvious btw

I only had sex once the whole month and conceived 😊 x

Stop tracking and stop mentioning it.

Why do you want another dc with a man that rejects you sexually?
Are you happy to spend another 30 years begging for sex?
And saying you’ll fix your sex life later is surely the wrong way round.

Rightly or wrongly, many men hate the idea that their partners would want sex with them for any other reason than finding them irresistible. The scientific facts of ovulation and fertile windows don't really change this, it's an emotional reaction.

There is nothing unsexier than obligatory sex, and for some reason within the TTC context men find this much more difficult than women (possibly because men in general have less experience of pretending around sex, whether that's pretending to want it or pretending to enjoy it, which unfortunately society has often demanded of women). You having sex outside if the window won't change this, because given your sex life was slow pre TTC he will know what you are doing and not be happy about it.

I would actually suggest you propose the syringe method to him, from what you've said I think this will be much more palatable to him than having sex he doesn't think you want. Good luck

It’s not weird at all if you’re actively trying to conceive..?!
this is really bad advice.

is OP just to be dragged along and never have a chance of having a second child because he husband doesn’t understand biology and is “too tired” one week a month?

@RedRobin100 I think it's the fact that he's too tired nearly every time she tries it on with him that would be a concern to me. OP says this has been going on for years, getting steadily worse - not just around TTC.

Yes it would be lovely to have a second child, but is it sensible to bring another child into a relationship like this?

Thanks for all your replies!

For those of you questioning whether it is a good idea to bring a child into a relationship where we have a problem with our sex life. I agree it’s not an ideal situation. Our marriage is good otherwise, we have affection in other ways, we get on well, have a nice life together. Yes it probably should be the other way around in terms of fixing the issue before we have another baby. I think because I’m 37 I dont really want to put off having a baby as sexual problems can take a long time to get back on track. If my husband wasn’t so keen for another baby I definitely wouldn’t be pushing for us to ttc. An example just yesterday he made a comment to me saying that I should go ahead and have a glass of wine after dinner because “you’ll be pregnant soon” and he says stuff like this a lot but yet when the time comes he just puts it off. The usual excuse is “I’m too tired”

@FridaRose Every month I do what you’ve said. I wear something a bit more revealing, I make sure I smell great, I have my makeup on and nice underwear but he has said recently that he knows what I’m doing and again it makes it feel unnatural and forced.

@YRGAM what you have said makes a lot of sense! He has infact said to me during a frank conversation that he hates feeling like I just want one thing from him. He has also said ttc makes sex feel “weird and awkward”.

We came to the solution last month that to prevent the awkwardness he would make the effort to intiate things but alas as usual the days went by and we only managed once this month.

sorry im trying to keep up with all the replies as I really appreciate them all.

@Beginningless our sex live was normal at the start of our relationship. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years in other aspects of the relationship and for whatever reason things in the bedroom started to slow down and now he rarely intiates things. Whenever we have spoke about this he can’t give me an answer. He just says he doesn’t know why? Which I find hard to believe but he’s adamant he doesn’t know.

For those suggesting the syringe method I might actually suggest this to him because I don’t think his ego would like it so if he really does want a second baby it might give him a reason to try harder!

Aww OP just tube out that silly noise. Mumsnet never thinks it’s a good idea for women to be having babies; we are always being scolded for admitting we are ttc for one reason or another 😂

Don't suggest the syringe thing either - it will make him feel even more like a piece of meat.

Yeah I don’t think he would go for the syringe idea at all! It could go either way by spurring him on or making it worse like you say! Maybe not worth risking making it worse actually.

Haha thanks @Golaz