My IUI cycles might have taken the want for children out of me

[Cactizone]

Is this ridiculous? Am I being weak? Have I just spent thousands of pounds to learn that I don't want this? Or is it just that it's stressful, degrading (I find it this way personally, I hope not everyone does) and leads to obsessive compulsive, and frankly angry fretting / planning about the next cycle.
I've only done 2 and I despise the procedure itself (and dealing with all the endless calls to the perfectly nice clinic staff) so much that It's almost enough to make me throw in the towel.

Maybe because I'm stuck in the gritty reality of percentages and ratios of conceiving and so far removed from anything natural or spontaneous but it's changed my perspective. It seems pretty hopeless. Does anyone else feel this way? I don't want to keep bleeding (ha) money into this, its so expensive, but I don't want to stop either, the idea of giving up brings out a special kind of sadness and anxiety.

Maybe I'm the problem underneath it all, and have areas of mental health to work on undoubtably, but compared to the giddy excitement and trepidation and 'bring it on' vibes of starting, looking at going through the procedure of round 3 feels like signing myself up to pay a grand for people to make me feel pain for no reward.

Sorry for the bleak vibes, just needed to wring out my mind sponge.😐

I had my scan today and I'm booked in for egg collection on Friday!!! Can't believe it. I'm doing my trigger shot tonight and that's my last injection. I can't believe it! 8 big follies and 4 playing catch up, then a few tiddlers.
@RMS0209 how are the injections going?

Hello! So sorry for deleted reply... @Totorotoes

Oh my gosh, so exciting! How are you feeling?
Not much to report here... I have my scan Friday (they cancelled todays one said it's to early for anything) but starting to feel hormonal and emotional so ready to be off them soon 😂
You must be delighted what a great amount of follicles.
Please let me know how the trigger is... it looks scary haha xx

@Totorotoes That's a great outcome hope the trigger shot isn't too bad. Keep us updated

@RMS0209 so sorry that yours has been cancelled I can't imagine how disheartening that feels but I hope it will mean a better outcome overall for you xx

@roro87 it's ok, I would have only been a few days in to injecting Friday will be 7 days so hopefully I'm as luck as @Totorotoes 😂🤞🏻 how are you? Xx

I'm good, haven't ovulated yet this cycle or else I missed it which with being on holidays I easily could have but not holding out holding out hope. Yes i hope you are too everything crossed for you both. My little boy has really come out of himself on holidays and has gotten so grown up and has made the longing for another even greater

@roro87 how old is your little boy? Glad he has come on so much over the holidays, hope he is settling back to school ok.

@RMS0209 I had my first proper hormonal melt down today after making a stupid mistake at work 🤯 I am mostly very excited about the EC, it still feels slightly unreal though and I can't help but worry still that they won't find any eggs. The trigger shot was absolutely fine, really easy to do and it didn't hurt. My clinic didn't scan me until day 8 btw after my day 2 scan, so your timeline sounds normal! 🙂

@Totorotoes he's almost 2, he's not at school yet but has a childminder he's with most of the time she's great.

Power of positive thinking there will be eggs and it will go well. There were lots there the other day. I know its much easier said than done

@roro87 thank you! Trying to keep positive.
2 is a lovely age, but hard work I imagine!! So nice seeming them learn new skills though

@Totorotoes will read and catch up and reply later running late as usual but just wanted to send a good luck egg retrieval today to you, thinking of you xx

Guess who triggers tomorrow night 🥰🥰

@RMS0209 wow that's fantastic!! You've caught up, you've got some quick eggs 😂 do you know how many follicles you have?

All went well today, I got 9 eggs 😁 I'm just hoping they are good enough quality, I get a call tomorrow to say if they have fertilised. The procedure itself was fine, I slept through it and have had no pain. I feel really groggy this afternoon and a bit sick but that could also be all the junk food I've been eating during 'recovery' 🤣

Will your collection be on Monday then? 🥳

@Totorotoes
Hello!
I know go me, I was confused though as I've followed a few people on YouTube and Tik Tok (don't judge) the trigger not long after day 7 scan.. the scanning lady didn't give much away today... then my portal got upgraded! So tonight is my last Menopur (yay) tomorrow AM is my last Fydramel (or however it's spelt I'm tired 😂) then trigger at 8.30 tomorrow night.

Couldn't tell you how many follicles I had... I was on cloud 9 after my call for trigger... I must have a look on my portal tonight and see if it shows anything!
9 eggs... amazing, you must be delighted are you? They will be great quality... everything crossed for yu for tomorrow 🤞🏻

I'm so glad procedure was fine for you, I am getting sedated so no driving for me... lucky other half 😂
Oh no.. I have taken the day off Monday and I will work from home Tuesday

Now to make the next day or so fly for us both!!! X

@RMS0209 yes, the waiting is so hard isn't it! I am so glad for you, finishing the injections seems so monumental!!

Make sure you let me know how you get on. Sedation is fine but yes you will definitely need driving home, I'm still feeling quite groggy from it (but it was a lovely sleep!!).

I am pleased with 9 eggs, I wanted 10 but 9 is close enough! Especially as I was paranoid they wouldn't get any!! I'm also pleased you think it's a good number, because as I am on my own I've been worrying to myself about whether it is enough so thank you for reassuring me! I know it is quality over quantity anyway. And the donor sperm was apparently 27 million MOT and 69% mortality which should be plenty, and it's Danish so they are little Viking warriors!! 🤣🤞

Only 4 fertilised! 😕 If they all make it I'll be delighted, but I'm so scared about the next few days as there is normally at least 50% drop off rate. I'll get another update tomorrow morning- I hope it's not bad news as I will be at work 🤞

@Totorotoes That is a pity, but and I don't want to phrase this badly it is a learning curve for your consultant they may need to tweak your meds if this cycle is unsuccessful. I still do think there is a lot of hope there still too don't get Mr wrong a girl I know had only two embryos and now has twin boys, also a friend of mine had one and now a little girl. Once some of those 4 hang in there.

@roro87 thank you, those stories are encouraging! I get an update today and I've been trying to prepare myself for the worst so I don't build up too much hope, unfortunately I will be in work when they call which could be awkward!
This is my only NHS round and I am so grateful for it, I'm not sure if I can afford more rounds after this 😕

@RMS0209 good luck with your egg collection!! I'll be thinking of you. Please don't worry, you'll be fine, the physical part is easy it's just the mixed up emotions that are hard! I hope you lay some wonderful, good quality eggs 🤗xx

@Totorotoes keeping everything crossed for you that it works out. I hope work isn't too hard for you today xx there are so many positive stories from one or two embryos

@RMS0209 best of luck today, I hope everything goes perfectly xx

@roro87 @Totorotoes thank you for the well wishes ❤️

How are you @Totorotoes xx

@RMS0209 all good so far here! I will get an update tomorrow, but yesterday's update was great- all 4 embryos were growing and were good grades. I'm expecting some drop off but they were quite confident I will have one to transfer tomorrow! 🥳🤞
How was your egg collection? And how are you feeling?

@Totorotoes
I am so glad to hear all is good so far ❤️
Grow little embryo's grow!
So excited for you for tomorrow... this could be it, isn't that exciting.

Egg collection.... easy, well I say easy... I don't remember a thing! Got told "this might feel cold" then woke up back in the room. So I cannot complain.
I'm ok, I'm a little delicate today but no pain as such (long may it continue) I have some blood thinner injections to take for the next 10 days ! X

@RMS0209 aw well done you, you did it! Glad it went ok. It's so quick and somple, but you must be kind to yourself afterwards. I felt a little bloated and slightly sore, but it is the progesterone which I hate- I imagine you are on that now too? Do you know how many eggs were collected, and when you get an update?

@roro87 hope you are ok 😊

Will update you both after it is done tomorrow, just hoping I have some good embryos still 🤞

@Totorotoes
Thank you! I needed all the praise yesterday.
It was so quick and so simple but today is "uncomfortable" like I say... now I just need my final numbers for the freezer for the weekend and to hope I get a bleed next month then it's go time!

Oh, no progesterone for me?! I have blood thinners

Yes 35 eggs collected, 31 fertilised normally... waiting for Thursday for day 3 update and Saturday/Sunday should be freezing day ❤️

Sending you lots of luck for tomorrow - I will be checking my phone during the day so please do keep us updated x

@RMS0209 wow that is a massive number of eggs, congratulations!! And such a good number that fertilised too. No wonder you are sore and achy, you must have been incredibly bloated too you poor thing.
I guess you don't have progesterone because you're not going straight for a transfer, you might have to start before your transfer though.
I will be keeping my fingers crossed for your eggs, you will almost certainly have some viable ones in that crowd! 😂

My ET is at 3.40 today, so I've got to work first. Not sure how i am going to concentrate on anything.....!! I should get a call this morning to say if any/how many have survived....more 🤞 for that!

@Totorotoes
Thank you! Yes it was a good number, tomorrow is day 3 so I'll get another update.
I am in agony though... very worried I have OHSS 😢

How did you get on? Hope all went good xx