9 months TTC and losing hope

[BritInNZ]

Hi everyone

Anyone else nearing that year mark of TTC and just feeling down and wondering when/if it will happen?

DH and I had a private fertility appointment this month and AMH and SA all good - no obvious reason why we can't conceive. We have to keep trying until January when we hit that year mark and then have more investigations.

I KNOW it can take healthy couples up to a year but it's only 3 cycles away now and I feel like I'm at the stage I don't even hope for a BFP as I know it's not coming.

I just turned 29 and DH is 31, so I know we have some time but it doesn't help when you're wondering what's going wrong.

Currently CD1 so obviously feeling a bit meh anyway, so just looking to chat to others in the same boat as I feel alone and like everyone else gets pregnant quickly ☹️ also visiting in-laws this weekend and when we booked it at the start of the year I was hoping it would be a trip to give them some good news, so that's a bit heartbreaking too.

Hi @BritInNZ okay wow, they need to do keyhole surgery to find out?! That would be pretty shit. Would you doctor refer you for that? How does it work? I've had progesterone bloods done now and OH had SA. Next up is AMH bloods in 10 days ish. X

@FlyOnTheWall89 yep! Nothing shows it quite as clearly as a camera. I think my fertility doctor will do a referral, but as we're about to move I will be under a different district health board so will need another referral once we're in our next house. After our fertility appointment on 25 Jan, I'm going to focus on the move and get that done before I follow up again.

That's good news that you're getting tests sorted. Have you had results back yet? When will you get them?

I have no idea when I'm ovulating this month as I had such prolonged spotting before AF, so I'm tracking BBT this month. Still struggling to get my head around the fact we're 12 months in, it's really scary and sad 😞

@BritInNZ oooh that is annoying timing but as you say, focus on a date and at least you've got all the balls rolling - it's just the worst kind of waiting game. It is crazy, I have exactly the same thoughts myself and it really scares me. I never thought we wouldn't be able to just naturally conceive - now it feels more and more unlikely. There is an element of just acceptance that it is going to take longer now and I try to think ... let's not get too dramatic. Ultimately, we will probably may for intervention instead of waiting if that is our only option and with the tests we have had, we wouldn't be too far away from being able to begin that I don't think if that was necessary. It will happen eventually 😢, I'm sure. One of my closest gf gets married in April and having fully expected to be pregnant by her wedding, I am agonising about not being and that she will probably get pregnant immediately and I might need to hide in a cave for a week to swallow that news. I'm kinda pleased for you that you and your friend met and it wasn't what you thought - did you get a chance to speak with her about your experience and how you're feeling ? Does she feel the same?

I get progesterone back early next week, SA takes 15 days so within 2 weeks, we will have had all the standard tests and know much more. My first set of bloods were pretty textbook. Worried it might be a bit of both of us - maybe not brilliant SA and my egg reserve at nearly 33 might not be fantastic either... in which case that would explain it I guess.

@FlyOnTheWall89 I hear you! All our tests have also come back normal, I have very regular cycles and everyone I have spoken to have said all looks good. SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM??? We've been trying for over a year now and never thought I'd have an issue as I don't get heavy periods/ cycles are regular, etc, but here we are. Hoping this year will give us some answers. We've decided to go private so the first appointment is in three weeks time.

@BritInNZ that’s good it wasn’t Thats news, but that’s also why this is so shit we shouldn’t feel relieved that someone is not pregnant (I feel exactly like this).

I am going to be 35 in the next few months and been trying since just before I turned 34 so that is stressing me out.

I also researched IVF clinics abroad just to get an idea of price difference between the U.K. and there but they all want to put you under general anaesthetic for egg collection; where as I think the U.K. can do it under local. I’ve never had general anaesthetic before and the thought terrifies me so that has really put me off x

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I turned 36 a few months ago which made me more worried. So I know how you feel. Which countries were you looking at and how much is the price difference? I have a feeling we may have to go through IVF route as feel it's getting a little impossible now. I'm still going to wait for what comes out of my private consultations/tests, but good to also keep options open.

@Tinkerbell098 - I just had a look at Greece and Prague, only cause I search for IVF on Instagram and noted these were places people had success (that’s how bad this is getting). It was saying on average around £2.5-3k per cycle, but obviously you need to account for your travel etc.

I have noticed access fertility do packages and some are refundable roughly £20k as many rounds as you can withhold in 2 years and if no baby you get your money back; which I do like the look of. But you could be losing out on £15-13k if it worked out first time. I think these packages also depend on whether there is a medical reason or unexplained.

I called the hospital and they said I should have a letter by March. I think if I knew what the issue was/or wasn’t I would be in a better place to make these decisions but at the moment I have no idea.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 thanks for that. 20k doesn't seem bad for unlimited rounds, but as you said, could be losing if it worked first time. I guess that's a gamble you'll have to take and will be worth not having to go through more rounds as can be a bit draining physically and mentally. But that's still a lot of money! Really hoping it won't come to that.
I'm in a similar situation to you as I have no idea what the issue is either, just know something is wrong. Hope this year will be the one where we all get our answers and our BFPs!

@Tinkerbell098 yeah I agree if I needed it and I was able to do the unlimited round and money back if no success I would definitely do it! I Also hope it doesn’t come to that and I think when you search for IVF it appears to be common but I once looked up the statistics and only a small percentage of people with fertility issues end up needing it.

Let’s try stay positive and hopefully our BFP will be soon

Hi everyone, hope you're well, always warms my heart to see this chat so active!

@LucyAnne34 glad you're HSG is all done but sorry it wasn't very pleasant. At least it's done and fingers crossed for results. I'm always wondering if I should just pay privately to get one, wish I knew when my referral would come through.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I'm the same as you - can't be happy for people, it just hurts. Feel horrible admitting that but it's the truth and telling myself "I'm happy for them but sad for me" is just a lie and makes me feel worse. So I'll go with "I'm sad for me and I'm pretending I'm happy for them" 😂 I don't even know how much longer I can go on pretending.

Won't bore everyone by responding to all the rest but nice to hear how everyone is doing and where they are at.

Only news for us is my husband called for the results of his SA but was told only a doctor can give them out and they need to be emailed to us (?!) so nothing yet but he is persevering. Got some fertility acupuncture yesterday which was nice and I've ordered a batch of frozen chicken bone broth soup to be delivered today because apparently that's great when TTC and I've tried to make my own but it was so much hassle and I don't think it's cheaper. Anyone else doing anything ridiculous?!

@kmbegs how annoying about your husband’s SA results! Did they at least book an appointment so you can speak to the doctor?
Frozen chicken bone soup? You’ll have to tell us how that is! At this moment I’m willing to try anything. I’ve been having pineapple daily since O day as I’ve heard that can help. I also went for fertility acupuncture last week. Meant to go again tomorrow but I’ve tested positive for covid today so that had to be cancelled!

@Tinkerbell098 I'm so sorry you have covid! We had it after christmas and it's so hard to have to isolate. Hope it doesn't impact you too badly.

I know it's just strange about the SA. They didn't book an appointment but they asked him to send an email requesting the results which they said will be sent on to a doctor who will reply with the results 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh I have heard about pineapple but I hate how it makes your tongue feel!! But definitely worth a shot. Can't say I'm super excited for the soup but apparently bone broth is good for fertility and I keep reading about it in books so thought I would give it a go. We'll try anything at this point!

I need to reply to my friend who told me she is having a girl. I just didn't reply, I meant to, I just couldn't. She's now sent me another message very kindly saying she hopes I'm okay. It's so hard to know whether you should say "I'm fine and congrats!" Or "I'm really not fine". Sigh. Least it's Friday!

@kmbegs, I know how you feel! My friends messaged me asking if I was okay when I told them my sister was pregnant (my sister knows I’m not okay as I’ve been in tears for the past year). And I was just honest and said this situation is no-ones fault but it’s a really shit situation.

I just find pretending I’m okay is even more difficult (that and I actually struggle to engage in baby chat)

Not everyone knows though and I mentioned on a WhatsApp group I wasn’t feeling well, something j ate and someone replied saying “.. and 9 months later”. I cried at that comment and felt like writing back a sarcastic comment but I refrained.

Hi friends! So sorry for my lengthy absence again. My dad had surgery and there have been various other bits and bobs going on.

@BritInNZ I’m glad the test wasn’t too painful but so sorry to hear you’re feeling low. It is hard and it sounds like everyone’s feeling the exact same thing so at least we know it’s the world not us 😜.

@kmbegs couldn’t agree more re pineapple - absolute devil food haha! Let us know re the bone broth (I’m a vegetarian and have been for almost 30 years but I might cave haha!). Did you get the SA results yet?

@Hopefullywaiting01234 my two best friends are also pregnant and all of my other friends have finished already, as have all of our siblings, so I know how awful it is. You just feel irrelevant in conversations don’t you and so low. I’m not sure i have any words of comfort really but just wanted to say you’re not alone!

@Tinkerbell098 and @hopefullywaiting01234 I have also been looking at IVF packages (more on that later) and I think where we got to on the unlimited package is could you really do it. Everyone I’ve spoken to says it’s even more of a rollercoaster than the one we’re on now (not sure how that’s even possible!!) and that two or three cycles are a lot of people’s limit. Never been there and It’s such a personal decision of course just wanted to put that down as I’d been told it. Also so sorry you tested positive for Covid. How are you feeling? And what did you think of the acupuncture?

I hope I haven’t missed anyone or any big news, spent a while trying to follow but I’d missed loads!!

Spot of news from me. We went to see the famous Mr Ramsey (who I would HIGHLY recommend). He thinks he knows the problem (within 30 seconds of sitting down with us). Basically OH is missing a crucial pipe. It can’t be repaired. Bad news is our only option forever is ICSI. Good news is he reckons we’ve got a high chance it’ll work (this is based only on OH as he hasn’t seen my results or examined me so who knows really!!) and he said OH actually has really good everything, it’s just this missing pipe means everything dies or gets severely damaged on way out. He hopes we can start ICSI in April so I’ll keep you all posted. Appreciate this might sound like awful news but I’m feeling pretty positive. He gave us a high % chance of ending up with a family and at this stage given what we’d been told by the scanner and doctor there (which was horrible) that’s all I care about and whilst getting pregnant naturally would be amazing I just have to forget about that for me.

However, I’m not giving up on that dream for all of YOU! I’ll be guinea pig (unless anyone starts before April) and tell you the warts and all truth and meanwhile I’ll be cheering you on to get your BFPs the traditional way! Happy Friday everyone and even though I’ve been away I’ve been thinking about you and was hoping to see good news (because weirdly whilst like you were saying I hate it for others I’d genuinely be over the moon for you!) x

@Carla2601 maybe my idea of what is good news is warped but I think this is great news!!!! You know the issue, the best person ever told you this so you know you can trust it, and you know how you can get around the issue and you have a plan. Obviously a natural pregnancy is the ideal but however you get your baby is the right way for you and it's the end result that matters. Also April is just round the corner. How are you feeling? Also can I ask (no need to answer I know it's a personal question) but will you get this on the NHS or do you have to pay for it?

@kmbegs I’m glad you think so - the few people I have told I’ve been like great news then told them and they’ve looked at me like I’ve grown another head!!! 😂. I feel the same way you do! Honestly fine. The only thing that’s bothering me is the thought of everyone looking at my eggs and judging them but I need to just get over it.

So to answer your question we don’t know yet. We have our NHS fertility appointment on the 27th so I’m guessing we tell them there. This April plan is based on Mr Ramsey arranging everything through his office (he doesn’t do the IVF but he does OH retrieval and one of his partners does it). My OH parents have offered to pay so I suspect what we’ll do is do one cycle in April (hopefully could slip to May I guess) and if it doesn’t work maybe we’ll have been waiting long enough on the NHS to have the second one or the third one with them. Completely appreciate we’re super fortunate to have this support (I come from a background where as much as they’d love to help my family just simply couldn’t so I absolutely understand how lucky this is).

Did you get the results yet and how are you feeling atm?

@Carla2601 I'm glad you think it's great news too, I'm honestly thrilled for you! I'm sure the process will be a bit of a thought and won't be easy but it sounds like Mr Ramsay was really confident it will work so it will all be worth it. This really makes me want to go private, I am still waiting for my referral and want to be patient at least until we've been trying for a year (end of Feb) but it's so hard just waiting.

That's great you have support from parents in law, hopefully you won't need it but amazing to know it's there. Be interesting to see what they say about it at your appointment on 27th as well so fingers crossed that's positive too.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 sorry forgot to reply, I'm so sorry your fiends said that, people who get pregnant easily just have absolutely no idea how crushing these comments can be. I hate myself for being this person but I told my husband before christmas to tell certain people in his family that I'm just not in a place for any comments about "when we'll get round to having a second" etc. and thankfully they took it on board. You know it's innocent but it doesn't feel innocent at all.

I think you're so right that pretending to be okay makes it all harder. I still haven't messaged my friend, meant to do it tonight but just can't bring myself. What do you say?! "That's amazing for you but adds to how devastated I am" Probably not! Also got a birth announcement tonight which hasn't helped. UUGGHH!! I'm also in the two week wait I.e. basically in hell - if I ever get pregnant and it works out I will drop to the ground and kiss the floor that the two week waits are over I find them worse and worse.

@kmbegs thank you. It’s a tough call isn’t it, between two scans, bloods and one appointment we’ve already spent £1,500 so it feels like the bills probably rack up really quickly going private (given we haven’t really started!) that being said we had money earmarked for a house (we live in a flat) and we sort of got to the point that we figured we’d sacrifice the house. Now my in laws have stepped in hopefully we won’t have to do that and I know that’s not right for everyone but I just couldn’t bear the thought of this going on much longer.

I’m sorry about the birth announcement and well done you for setting out some ‘ground rules’ for want of a better word. They are innocent but it doesn’t stop them causing so much hurt and even more angst so if you’re confident enough to be open that’s a brilliant idea.

I think that is really wonderful, reassuring news @Carla2601 - I've been reading about Mr Ramsey... he sounds amazing. Hopefully my OH results come back okay but if not, we will go and see him too I think. X

@FlyOnTheWall89 thank you. How are you doing? When are you expecting the results? Also hoping they’re fine.

I didn’t want to scare anyone with our story it’s really rare this condition (basically he just didn’t grow this tiny crucial piece) so the other good news is on this team we’ve got we surely can’t be unlucky enough that there’s two of us 😂. I know there can be loads of other problems but I think most of them at least give you a chance (even if reduced) and probably give you a chance at IUI/IVF etc not just straight to ICSI

@BritInNZ over a year now, though there have been some months that we haven't had enough/frequent enough sex or we've got the timing wrong. We've been sick quite a bit over the last year or so, likely thanks to our mouldy, damp Wellington rental. So I'm not sure how many months we had the best chance of pregnancy, but I've heard so many stories of people getting pregnant from one time 5 days before ovulation etc. I'm definitely getting anxious about it. Once we've moved into our new house I'll probably look into getting some tests done. I'm worried they'll find something horribly wrong but then I'm worried about that anyway! Did you go to Fertility Associates?

I understand that dread that someone is going to tell you they're pregnant. With my friend, I'd kind of guessed she was going to tell me based on how she was talking, so it wasn't a complete shock, but it was still a bit hard to respond. I want to just feel happy for people but mostly I just feel jealous and sad.

@MaryTeenOfScots oh man those welly rentals will get you! We were lucky with rentals thankfully. We live in the Hutt now in our own place - it even has double glazing, what a luxury! I have rarely heard of people finding something horribly wrong from initial tests - it's more of a 'rule everything out' situation. Yes we're with Fertility Associates. We see Dr Simon McDowell but I've heard more good things about Andrew Murray so could be worth requesting him if you do go down that route 😊

Yes completely feel the same. I have a constant fear of someone telling me and how shitty it will make me feel!

That's great you've had good rentals! I'll be glad to be out of ours. Our own house is currently being built but keeps being delayed, hopefully we'll be in it soon. Living the high life with your double glazing, I bet you even have insulation...

I know rationally it's very unlikely, but unfortunately my brain likes to catastrophise about everything.

Thanks very much for the suggestion :)

@MaryTeenOfScots also a catastrophiser so I feel your pain there. Sounds good to have a project with the house although your rental sounds troublesome! Good luck and hope your tests go well.