9 months TTC and losing hope

[BritInNZ]

Hi everyone

Anyone else nearing that year mark of TTC and just feeling down and wondering when/if it will happen?

DH and I had a private fertility appointment this month and AMH and SA all good - no obvious reason why we can't conceive. We have to keep trying until January when we hit that year mark and then have more investigations.

I KNOW it can take healthy couples up to a year but it's only 3 cycles away now and I feel like I'm at the stage I don't even hope for a BFP as I know it's not coming.

I just turned 29 and DH is 31, so I know we have some time but it doesn't help when you're wondering what's going wrong.

Currently CD1 so obviously feeling a bit meh anyway, so just looking to chat to others in the same boat as I feel alone and like everyone else gets pregnant quickly ☹️ also visiting in-laws this weekend and when we booked it at the start of the year I was hoping it would be a trip to give them some good news, so that's a bit heartbreaking too.

@Tinkerbell098 I know I read a quote from someone on Facebook saying she felt down about a bereavement but was going to pull up her big girl pants and I thought to myself that’s exactly what I need to do. But then ... AF arrives, there’s another announcement (I am not joking when I say everyone I know is pregnant, sister, sis in law, cousin friend) and I just want to crawl back under the covers and cry and wait for this to be over 🙈

@Hopefullywaiting01234 aww it's the same for me, everyone I know is now having their second child! I swear my FB feed at New Year's was full of new baby/ baby scan pictures and people posting how blessed they were to have babies/expecting them in the new year. That was not what I wanted to see. I think TTC is making me into a right b!!!

I feel the same guys. I feel angry at the world. Makes me feel like a horrible person sometimes. And I feel sorry for my boyfriend who must be drained too. He copes a lot better but can’t be fun with me having meltdowns every week or so. I have unfollowed so many people on social media. I just can’t deal with it.
On another note - I bought a menstrual cup today as wanted to be more environmentally friendly haha just tried it and wasn’t so sure but I’ve just read they can help with conception..anyone heard of this or tried it? It’s deffo worth a go! X

Thanks everyone - glad it's over with! Was really gassy in the evening and had some cramps around my ovaries but all good today.

I also find it really hard and have unfollowed lots of people on social media. I'm trying not to get my hopes up post-HSG, which is hard when you see so many success stories! But I was thinking if/when I do get a BFP and I wanted to announce it, I would 100% make it clear in the caption that it wasn't easy and it has taken us a long time. I'm determined that more people understand it isn't easy and not everyone gets pregnant right away.

Gosh I hope someone gets a BFP on this group soon! I started it 3 months ago and not a single one yet. Fingers crossed for you all! I think even one would help lift us all up a bit!

It took me 18 months. I gave up and stopped doing ovulation tests and early pregnancy tests. One month later I got pregnant. Basically the stress of ttc stopped me from getting pregnant

@BritInNZ, funny you mention that I have actually been thinking about how I would announce a pregnancy (if I get that far) and if I was to announce on social media which I don’t know if I would then I would make it known it was a struggle! In the hope it gives other people some comfort! My friend the other day discussed getting pregnant without trying, I don’t think people understands how insensitive these comments are until you are at the other end of the scale

@Hopefullywaiting01234 yes my initial thought was I wouldn't announce anything but then I've been thinking that infertility has already taken so much from me, I wouldn't want it to take away the joy of announcing it too. God those comments are so insensitive and hurtful aren't they?! I have a friend who got pregnant the first month not on contraception and she didn't even want a baby!

@Hopefullywaiting01234 oh I also told my dad about everything today as I told him about the HSG. He was lovely but then says things like 'it will happen when the time is right' and I actually find that stuff really hurtful too. Like why hasn't the time been right the last year then? It's all a load of crap. He did remind me it took a while for my mum to fall pregnant with me, so I guess I've got to keep that in mind. My friend in the UK took 18 months to fall pregnant and I don't feel like I can talk to her. It's almost like she's dismissing what I'm going through because I'm 'only' at 12 months and she tried for 18. It's all really hard and nobody has the right thing to say.

Happy new year to you all

Received letter from fertility clinic saying my blood results will be discussed at a follow up appointment in 3 months time. Previous blood results were deemed “borderline” due to incorrect dates by GP. Awaiting appointment for gynaecology scans; will keep you all updated.

Hi everyone, just catching up.

@BritInNZ glad HSG wasn't too bad and EVERYTHING crossed that you'll get your BFP soon now that you've got super clear tubes! That's pretty crap that you can't talk to your friend because you've 'only' been trying 12 months, there isn't a massive difference between 12 and 18 months and as we all know it's definitely no walk in the park at any stage. So I'm sorry about that, but hopefully we make up for it a little in this group.

@Tinkerbell098 sorry to hear you've been having a particularly hard time. Glad your husband was supportive though, makes a world of difference. I know how you feel about the baby stuff, I have a child already and a few friends expecting their second baby have asked me if they could borrow things I had for my daughter that I'm obviously keeping in the hope that I have another. I said yes to the first request but I've said no since (obviously nicely, just made some excuses), which I feel horrible about but it's bad enough watching your friends have a second child when you are absolutely desperate for one, I can't stand for everyone to be using my stuff that I should be using and would be using if I had half their luck. I hope they understand but I don't think anyone does unless they've walked in our shoes. It's all too much isn't it, yet we've no choice but to keep going.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 it must be so hard if everyone around you is pregnant. I have a few pregnant friends but only one that I'm super close to and that's hard. You want to be involved but it's also like clawing a wound to pretend you're not hurting every time they mention the pregnancy.

@LucyAnne34 I bought a "ferti-Lily" which is like a menstrual cup but for fertility. I actually quite like it as it makes me feel less paranoid that everything is falling out if I need to get up after sex but obviously no BFP (yet!). Doesn't do any harm though and super easy so why not. Let us know how you get on.

My husband's SA was Wednesday but obviously no results yet. He did say that he was told the results would be with the GP this Monday but it may take the GP a few weeks to get back to us with the results. If these were my results I would be on the phone first thing Monday to at least get the numbers !! but he wants to give them some time to contact him, which is fair enough but a bit annoying when we could know!

Also, on day 14 of my cycle, TMI but my husband and I had sex first thing then I went to the bathroom and I had spotting. That's never happened to me before. On the same day I got my clear blue digital static smiley so maybe ovulation bleeding? I guess I'll just need to keep an eye on it.

Also. I normally use clear blue OPKs that give you the smilie, but decided this month to use cheap ones as well just to better understand what's going on. And yesterday I got my clear blue peak, but I didn't think my other OPK looked peak (it looked high but not peak) so have kept testing and tonight it's looking stronger than yesterday. I'll see what happens but makes me wonder if I've been getting my peak wrong every month!

Sorry this is v long. How is everyone getting on?

@kmbegs i would be on the phone first thing too! My hubby has to have another SA next week too, but it's to check antibodies or something... not the usual.

I have spotting almost every cycle around ovulation, it's how I tend to know I'm ovulating. When I told my GP he made me have an ultrasound and everything was fine, so I don't think it's anything to worry about. But keep an eye on it and let your GP know if it's something new for you.

I wouldn't read into the OPKs too much. You've no doubt been having lots of sex and would still hit ovulation if it's a day or so later than you thought 😊

@kmbegs yes, tell me about it! There's now a massive cot, travel cot and a high chair sitting in our hallway, constantly reminding me of what I have failed to achieve. I know it's very negative of me, but it's not pleasant. OH will be putting everything away in our spare room so it'll be out of sight at least.

Sorry for the rant. I'm 4 dpo today of cycle whatever. Had fertility acupuncture on Saturday, which relaxed me a little, and above all, felt like I could have a face to face chat with someone who'd listen to what I had to go through in the past year or so.

Thanks @BritInNZ that's helpful to know I'm not the only one with ovulation spotting. I'll keep an eye on it anyway since it's new for me but hopefully nothing. And thanks on the OPKs, I suppose I was / am a bit annoyed because I do the SME plan which means you have sex on certain days after positive OPKs and if I've been thinking I have a positive OPK a day or more before I actually do then we are maybe stopping too soon. I still keep having sex until I get a good temp rise so I doubt this is why we aren't getting pregnant but just felt a bit thrown. I'll keep doing both for now.

@Tinkerbell098 that must be so so hard! You definitely need to get the stuff moved from your hall, that must be so painful and difficult and a constant reminder. I get fertility acupuncture too and I also like it for that reason - it's so helpful to have someone to talk to who you are paying to listen and it's all confidential and they've loads of experience with this.

I'm having a bad day today. My best friend had her 20 week scan and told me she is having a girl. I don't know why that's hit me so hard, it just makes it so so real that she knows the sex and is so far along and I'm still nowhere. I feel physically pained with jealously.

@kmbegs sorry you are having a bad day, does she know you are struggling.

I feel like an awful person at the moment I can’t even bring myself to ask questions about my friends and relatives pregnancies I just pretend they are not happening. I don’t think I am even hiding it very well 😭 I know this is no-one else’s fault and I can’t stop their happiness but I can’t help it. I haven’t even told some people about my sisters pregnancy as I can’t physically get the words out without wanting to burst into tears x

I also find myself wondering what every females story is now.. did they struggle? How long were they trying, what age were they when they conceived? I feel like it’s all I can think about, wondering if this goes through anyone else’s head

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I feel like I could have written what you’ve just wrote. I feel the same. Including the part about wondering how long other people took to get pregnant. I think I do that to try and make myself feel better - like, oh, you never know they could have been trying for ages.
Today I feel myself cutting off a text conversation with my cousin who is pregnant. And I have already pushed away a close friend due to her pregnancy circumstances (pregnant on the pill, smokes etc). She is so understanding and accepts I need some space. And I feel awful. So you are not alone 🤗
Just to update people aswel , I had my HSG today. I can’t lie, I’m really no good at it haha so I have to say I found it not very nice. Not necessarily painful, but almost an unbearable sensation for me. I did manage to have it done though and looks as though my tubes are clear, but she said I have to wait 6-8 weeks for consultant to have a proper look at the X-ray! I had a good cry afterward as I was breathing like I was in labour to get through it 😢 the breathing def helped tbh. The radiographer said I must be quite sensitive. X

Just to add about my friend - I didn’t push her away due to the fact she was pregnant on the pill and a smoker. It was jus the fact that she didn’t even have to try and wasn’t even ‘healthy’ as such. And here I am doing the complete opposite and not getting anywhere. She also had same due date as my miscarriage. So when I got a scan pic in the face it was very difficult. X

@Hopefullywaiting01234 yes I think this all the time. I wonder about it all the time and think of all the untold stories. I was speaking to my OH today and said how this time TTC will probably at one point feel like a fraction of time but rn it feels like a lifetime and it is draining. This is just baby 1 for us... what about the other ones we would love to have?

@LucyAnne34 thanks for sharing about your HSG. I think it would be like this for me. I found have the coil put in years ago very painful... I think I vomited. I haven't booked one yet, but this will be on my list once Ive done an AMH blood test. Glad they were clear for you and 🤞🏻 it will have really cleared this out even if they were not properly blocked. It will be interesting to see if any of the recent HSG ladies get a BPF in the near future x

@kmbegs so sorry to hear you were having a tough time. How are you feeling now? I've been working away and doing long hours so haven't been able to catch up for a while, so hope you're doing okay.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I completely understand and I would be the same. Luckily I don't have any pregnant friends right now but I suspect there will be some soon. I actually dread someone telling me they're pregnant, I have no idea how I will react but I know in private there will be a lot of tears. I actually suspect my friend is about to tell me she's pregnant. She started trying about 6 months after me and has just asked to meet up in person with no explanation, so I think it's coming and I'm already getting anxious and upset.

@LucyAnne34 sorry to hear you found it more painful than I did! Have you ever had really bad period pain? Like enough to make you vomit? I used to have that years ago so maybe that's why I can deal with the pain a bit more. I did have to squeeze my husbands hand quite hard and lots of deep breaths to get through it!

No big update from me. As mentioned I'm away for work until Monday. Fertile window starts on Saturday so I will miss the first couple of days but not much can be done about that. I'm starting to worry about the HSG now - more about the fact that my tubes are open so surely there must be something else wrong with me? I'm really worried about endo due to a history of heavy and painful periods, but I haven't had these for two years now. I'm over analysing every twinge and pain in my lower abdomen and wondering if it's endo. Dr Google says you can have severe endo with no symptoms, and mild endo with loads of symptoms so it has kind of freaked me out. I don't know how I will cope mentally if it doesn't happen this year, I get teary just thinking about it.

@BritInNZ does she know you are having a tough time of it? If she does hopefully she will expect a few tears when you tell her.

I feel like an awful person I can’t be happy for anyone, my sister made an announcement yesterday and I cried so much I gave myself a migraine! I know ignoring everything pregnant person and their pregnancy isn’t normal but I don’t really know how else to deal with it?

In relation to endo I have also thought this although I don’t have any symptoms and never really have. I think when you are ttc you over analyse every tingle or pain there is. X

@BritInNZ I would prepare for her to tell you mentally and also think about what you'll say. You could be open and speak to her about your own struggles at the time - perhaps it didn't happen straight away for her and she will be able to relate to the relentless disappointment. I would say "I'm really happy for you and it's the start of an amazing chapter of your life blah blah blah.... I may side step talking to you about it too much right now because I am finding not getting pregnant really mentally draining..." This might be better than just feeling like there is an elephant in the room or avoiding her. Just my POV.... it is so hard.

Re the endo, is this not something that would be picked up on an internal unltrasound? I have no clue if it would, but made that presumption when I had one in May.

Thanks for starting this thread @BritInNZ. I'm in Wellington too, the weather is definitely not its finest feature!

We've been trying for a while now, though using CM as a guide of when to have sex rather than charting or using OPKs. I think some months our timing has likely been pretty off but I feel like it should have happened by now, especially as we're only in our 20s. I wanted to avoid charting etc. as I know I'll get obsessed and I was hoping it would just 'happen', but I think I'll need to start doing more tracking soon.

So many people are pregnant at the moment, including one of my best friends who took literally one time to get pregnant. I'm happy for her but also gutted it's not me. My period was a week late this month which gave me false hope, though at the same time I feel like it's not going to actually happen anyway. This whole thing is just so consuming and awful. I'm sorry you all are going through it too.

@BritInNZ tbh I wouldn’t describe it as intense pain, more a feeling that I just couldn’t stand. The burning when the dye went it felt like a quick and intense period pain but then was gone after 10 seconds. It was the part where she put the catheter through my cervix. Like if you’ve ever had sex when your cervix is low and you jump out of your skin because it feels horrid. Like that but prolonged lol. Part of me thinks I was just so worked up about it that it made it worse. And I’d had a bad experience with a colposcopy before so had that in my head too. Ahh the things us women have to go through!
Also, I feel the same as you regarding there being nothing wrong with my tubes. I need a reason why it’s taking so long. X

@Hopefullywaiting01234 she does know, thankfully. I spoke to her and she thought she was pregnant but she's not. I feel bad for breathing a sigh of relief! I don't know how to deal with it either, I get so incredibly jealous and angry.

@FlyOnTheWall89 nope wouldn't be picked up on an ultrasound I don't think. Next steps for me will be a referral for a laparoscopy but I have no idea how long the waiting list will be. I think that's the only way they'll know for sure if I have endo.

@MaryTeenOfScots hello fellow wellingtonian! I know we all focus of timing but I do think if you're having lots of regular sex then that should cover it. I do track BBT some months though, just to make sure I'm ovulating around the same time again. How long have you been trying for?

@LucyAnne34 yes I really need some answers. I have so much anxiety that I'm going to have another year of this shit 😭