9 months TTC and losing hope

[BritInNZ]

Hi everyone

Anyone else nearing that year mark of TTC and just feeling down and wondering when/if it will happen?

DH and I had a private fertility appointment this month and AMH and SA all good - no obvious reason why we can't conceive. We have to keep trying until January when we hit that year mark and then have more investigations.

I KNOW it can take healthy couples up to a year but it's only 3 cycles away now and I feel like I'm at the stage I don't even hope for a BFP as I know it's not coming.

I just turned 29 and DH is 31, so I know we have some time but it doesn't help when you're wondering what's going wrong.

Currently CD1 so obviously feeling a bit meh anyway, so just looking to chat to others in the same boat as I feel alone and like everyone else gets pregnant quickly ☹️ also visiting in-laws this weekend and when we booked it at the start of the year I was hoping it would be a trip to give them some good news, so that's a bit heartbreaking too.

@kmbegs - me again, I also know what you mean about private, if that was my only option I would pay the money however I don’t want to be throwing thousands of pounds at this when there is no need as it may be needed for IVF or something similar x

@Borolass84 why is it taking so long for sperm analysis results to come back? That must be so frustrating!

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I'm in Glasgow. I was pretty surprised too. I really like this GP so hoping he was just preparing me for the worst. He did say he didn't know that was the case but didn't want me waiting 8 months just to find out no help would be offered. You'd think they would at least do the tests.

Just chatted with my husband and he thinks let's wait until we have the results of his SA, which he is having early January and take it from there. Sounds like we'll be into Feb before he gets those results so maybe at that point we book an appointment for March which will be a year. I am still very tempted to get a hycosy but might wait until January anyway. It's been 10 months which seems forever but I'm trying to tell myself it could still just happen.

Thanks both for your replies. Makes you feel especially lonely when you have an 'update' and realise there isn't really anyone in your life that it feels like you can / want to tell. Very grateful for this group.

@kmbegs that’s right, that’s the same as me although I am just out. I did get a letter from my local hospital so I know the referral has been made but it was just advising of different ways of working cause of covid!

I know I am cycle 11 (technically 12 but we had a bereavement and I only DTD before it outwith window so cancelling that one out) but I have spoken to a number of people who have said it took them 11-12 months and a lot longer. I have been in tears since month 5 though so I know exactly how you feel!

@kmbegs just outside Glasgow

@kmbegs I do think they need to do the basic tests bloods scan etc to rule out cysts etc. In my case I am so worried about ovarian reserve and early menopause. I have read so many things meaning even IVF wouldn’t work with that but I do know that a catastrophise everything so trying to get my logical brain working again x

[quote Hopefullywaiting01234]@kmbegs I do think they need to do the basic tests bloods scan etc to rule out cysts etc. In my case I am so worried about ovarian reserve and early menopause. I have read so many things meaning even IVF wouldn’t work with that but I do know that a catastrophise everything so trying to get my logical brain working again x[/quote]
I had a test from GRIP fertility online. They were very good and told me my ovarian reserve along with testosterone, LH levels. Ovarian reserve came out average which they said was fine and they offered a free consultation after to put my mind at rest. Cost about £100 which was well worth it to know I wasn’t going into early menopause etc.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I was doing okay until about month 7 but the last few have felt catastrophic. It's really hard isn't it? How old is your little one (just out of interest)? That's good you got a letter acknowledging your referral at least. I wish I knew how long the wait would be, imagine I pay £550 for a consultation then get an NHS appointment!

Re early menopause - do you have a family history of that? If not I really wouldn't worry (easy to say I know). You can also get private AMH tests which might help with the worry (like Lucy said). I know what you mean about catastrophising, it's really hard not to.

@LucyAnne34 that sounds like a bargain! I've done similar already although definitely cost me more and no consultation but everything was normal. Good to know though.

My friend is going through similar to me apart from I’m going NHS route she’s doing a mixture. Both OH appears normal from his results but I’m awaiting investigation. My friend is deemed premenopausal with low ovarian reserve. Next route is IVF for her. She said to speed things up, she’s did the initial part private but will be doing NHS IVF. She’s already had a MC and I get the feeling that she will be trying the cycle then not so much giving up but says she’s discussed adoption and fostering with OH.

@kmbegs he is 5, so it was a while ago, what about you?

My dads mum went in really early I think altho I have heard (doc advised) it goes on your mums side and she was like 45/46. I do have regular periods and never missed one and appear to be ovulating so nothing pointing at it but it’s just constantly on your mind

I know what you mean I never expected this to be so difficult, I am even shocked at my feelings on it tbh!

I sometimes look at stats and they are quite comforting, even people who are being treated for fertility issues only a small number need IVF and an even smaller number can’t use their own eggs!

It’s the old google and rabbit hole though as soon as you start looking into it you just get loads of stories flashing up and now my Instagram keeps throwing up IVF accounts as I had been searching for them at the beginning and seeing how awful it is for people just adds to my distress x

@Borolass84 - what age is she? That must be really tough for her but at least she is open to other ways of becoming a mum.

I don’t think I would adopt (wouldn’t completely rule it out) only because I have a DS and not sure what that dynamic would be like but I would probably be open to donor eggs

@Hopefullywaiting01234 she’s 33 I’m 37

@kmbegs I am pleased you got referred but so sorry to hear this is all so difficult and unclear - I think you absolutely should be entitled, could you play some other cards (I know that sounds bad but sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do) to see if they can at least investigate for you? I got my referral and the first appointment is on Thursday (On the phone) so suspect the delay will come after that but I’ll let you know what they say in case it’s anything useful. They did tell me 3 months and it took 3 weeks so hopefully yours will be a lot quicker than they said too.

I absolutely know what you mean about test results. We will get my OHs this week and we’re prepared for them to be bad based on the first one and this is really the only place I’ll be able to come to. I’m so dreading Christmas - I used to be such a Christmas fairy, buying gifts I couldn’t afford for anyone and everyone especially children and now it’s all I can do to hand the gift over without bursting into tears. I took my niece shopping yesterday and i felt just so sad that it’s increasingly likely I’ll never get a chance to do that with my own child. Did still buy her all the gifts though and she said I’m the best Aunty ever so that’s an accolade I’ll hang onto 😂😂.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I’ve been worrying about the same things - as you say I’m sure it’s not but you can’t help it and totally know what you mean about the ads....these sorts of cookies should be banned because I love being reminded of a dress I meant to buy but being constantly reminded I’m infertile is not fun is it! I’d never go to a clinic who advertised like that either as I think it’s cruel and I’m sure others feel the same. How old is your DS? My feelings on adoption are really confused so I’m interested in others x

@Carla2601 he’s 5, he is really sociable and doesn’t seem to struggle not have a sibling which I hold as positive. I know what you mean about struggling not to burst into tears I feel I like on tender hooks waiting for another pregnancy announcement (like that has any impact on me)

Did they say how long you would need to wait for the SA results?

I feel like I can’t plan anything at the moment as I am consumed by this. I do think maybe look at a promotion, extension or house move to try focus on something else but I think would be half hearted

I feel the same way today I do every month so I think AF is about 5 days away 😟

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I’m sure he doesn’t and wouldn’t struggle but that doesn’t stop your desire for him to be a sibling, I can’t understand as I’m not in your shoes but I can imagine it’s a fairly similar and equally overwhelming want/need. He must be a great distraction though and keep you busy ☺️.

The results should come this week so I’ll let you know.

That’s exactly how I feel too - I did get a promotion but the house we want would be our whole life savings and I looked and if my OH does have the condition they think he might it would be even more expensive per cycle and 11% likely to work (so I’m guessing we’d need a lot of cycles) from what I could tell so I’m also scared to spend anything and move. Also I only really wanted the house for a baby so I’m not sure if it’d make me sadder too. A promotion could be a good one to focus on as the one thing I do feel is when I’m ridiculously busy at work I do feel less sad as I can’t think about it too much. But that’s just me i know everyone’s different.

Urgh, sorry you can feel AF en route. I’ve just finished so fertile window incoming but if there’s no sperm it’s hard to feel there’s any hope at all. But I’ll crack on regardless...it’s the hope that kills you and all that 😂😂 x

@Carla2601 I know what you mean about work, I dont think WFH Has helped at all, there is far to much time to think.

That’s tough about the IVF would you be offered any on the NHS

@Hopefullywaiting01234 we’re not sure yet (if OH has no sperm it depends why you see if there even are any options for us). Suspect they’d likely pay for one cycle but given how long it could take, how long we’ve already been trying plus the wait time I think we’d be inclined to go private....until we run out of money at least. Hoping the results will come tomorrow before the appointment on Thursday so should at least know something this week which is better than limbo.

Completely agree re wfh, I was back in full time until Friday and I’m already dreading this week. Are you still wfh? Is Xmas a busy or quiet time for your work? I’m so busy that even though it can be stressful (I’m lucky I love it) it definitely helps pass my days

@Hopefullywaiting01234 to see not you see, sorry!

@Carla2601 yeah been WFH since March 2020 and prob for a while longer by the looks of things! It has some benefits but only your own thoughts all the time can be a nightmare when going through this. Christmas doesn’t make it any busier just the same; for some time off over Xmas though which I am looking forward to and will try keep myself busy

Hopefully you get good news tomorrow and can Put a plan in place xx

@Hopefullywaiting01234 yes I can imagine it would - hopefully we’ll all be pandemic free shortly!

Thanks, I’ll of course let you know on here.....before anyone else 😂

Enjoy the last smidge of weekend!

So, yet another pregnancy announcement from a close friend. She was on the pill, smokes and would herself say she is overweight. I couldn’t believe it. Also almost same due date as I would have had if I hadn’t miscarried last month. It really triggered me and made me feel like I’m being punished for something! I don’t even believe in god but that was my first thought. So ridiculous isn’t it. And I felt so awful for my friend because I cried on her shoulder during my miscarriage and all along she was pregnant also, I prob scared her to death! But also feel kinda stupid that she didn’t tell me at the time. I feel like I’m doing everything right, even started reading it starts with the egg and trying to implement all the stuff she talks about. I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong 😢 OH thinks I need to be more positive. But I just can’t. Anyone else in a similar situation? It will be time for my fertile window soon and I don’t even feel like I want to DTD 😥

@LucyAnne34 yes I completely sympathise with how you feel

I was at lunch yday with 2 pregnant friends and 2 with babies under 6 months the chat did not leave birth plans or weaning 😫 I tried to muster a few fake smiles whilst internally crying!

My DH just keeps saying “it’ll happen” and telling me to be positive so I also understand how you feel in that department 😫

@Hopefullywaiting01234 that must have been a really hard lunch. Do they know what you’re going through? I just feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant or has kids. Literally cannot avoid it. It’s starting to make me feel really down.
I hate the ‘it’ll happen don’t worry’ thing. Or ‘it’ll happen when you’re not worrying about it’ - well that’s never then because It takes up my headspace 24/7 lol

Only 1 of them knows and obv was feeling awkward also. My other group of friends know but not this group so I just smiled. One of the girls said she was keeping stuff “back for when it was my turn” and i know she thought that was a kind thing to say but I was trying to hold the tears back.

Yeah I know I do try and forget about it but it is impossible and much harder like you say when you can’t escape it

Did your friends know? X

@LucyAnne34 urgh I’m sorry - that’s so frustrating and upsetting (I don’t mean frustrating that she’s pregnant but the comparable circumstances). I totally know what you mean re ‘god’ also not religious but find myself reviewing every ‘bad’ thing I might ever have done in my life (which really isn’t much 😂) - thanks for sharing I’m glad it’s not just me and I’m not losing my mind!

@Hopefullywaiting01234 that sounds really hard. My OH is the same - I think they’re trying to help but sometimes I just wish they’d say yes this is really crap and it’s not fair and it’s ok to miserable about it!

Sorry to both of you x

@Hopefullywaiting01234 yes my friends knew. I’m a pretty honest person and always speak my mind haha. She said she wanted to tell me but wanted to wait until 12 weeks which is of course understandable.
Ahh the old I’ll keep the baby stuff for when you’ll need it. Like you say, said in kindness but also without really thinking I think. People assume things don’t they.