9 months TTC and losing hope

[BritInNZ]

Hi everyone

Anyone else nearing that year mark of TTC and just feeling down and wondering when/if it will happen?

DH and I had a private fertility appointment this month and AMH and SA all good - no obvious reason why we can't conceive. We have to keep trying until January when we hit that year mark and then have more investigations.

I KNOW it can take healthy couples up to a year but it's only 3 cycles away now and I feel like I'm at the stage I don't even hope for a BFP as I know it's not coming.

I just turned 29 and DH is 31, so I know we have some time but it doesn't help when you're wondering what's going wrong.

Currently CD1 so obviously feeling a bit meh anyway, so just looking to chat to others in the same boat as I feel alone and like everyone else gets pregnant quickly ☹️ also visiting in-laws this weekend and when we booked it at the start of the year I was hoping it would be a trip to give them some good news, so that's a bit heartbreaking too.

I've told one of my closest friends as she's been through a similar thing (she now has an adorable 2 year old). She's been quite supportive, but as some of you mentioned, she doesn't really ask unless I talk about it, so stays clear. Thinking back to when she was going through the same, I guess I was kind of similar, as I didn't want to keep asking, but was more than happy to listen when she wanted to vent.
I've had to tell another close friend (who I recently found out was expecting after what I think was their first try!) as they kept asking me constantly, so just wanted to explain the situation. They haven't really been too helpful ("just keep trying" was their only advise).
My mum's known for a while now and she is supportive. I'm glad I told her as it feels like I have a good support network. I think I cried the first time I told her and it felt like I got rid of a lot of weight off my shoulders.

Thanks everyone, really helpful.

@LittleMysSister I am so sorry to hear that your pregnancy ended so early, I hope you are doing as OK as you can be. Are you going to have anytime off ttc or back to it?
Thanks for sharing your experiences/advice on telling people.

I have come up with 2 strategies to keep myself cheerful and/or tempt fate into making me pregnant haha! Firstly we've just booked a long awaited holiday to Portugal in April - proper foodie and wine/port holiday. So if I get pregnant before then great, I am pregnant and depending on how far along/whether I feel OK flying I would go and have a pretty good holiday (but miss out on the wine/port!). If I am not, then I am going to go to every vineyard and port house I can find, go hiking and mopeding around and have an absolutely amazing holiday with my husband. This genuinely fills me with joy at the thought and it's gonna give me something really fun to plan over the winter - I didn't think I would get another child-free no expenses barred holiday and now actually I might so there's a silver lining there (covid, you better not ruin this plan!).

We also sat down and discussed that if we are not 'naturally' pregnant by then, we will have this blow out holiday and then come back and pursue treatment privately. It will have been 18months trying by then, I can't bear the thought of not intervening at that point. In our area we don't qualify for NHS IVF until 3 years of unexplained infertility and even then it's only 1 round, so it's feeling likely we would go private. Anyway, I have 5 natural cycles left before then (taking Dec 'off') so it might not come to it but it feels great to have something of an 'end point' to at least part of this!

2nd part of my plan is to plan lots of very complicated veggies to grow in my new allotment that frankly being pregnant/having a new born would ruin - I guess I'm just trying to find silver linings for what I can look forward to if this doesn't happen for a long time. Anyone else tried anything like that? Since deciding on this plan this week I have been feeling excited and happy in a way I haven't in a while so it seems to be working for me!

Thanks @Aubyone. I am doing OK thanks, the main stress for me has been worrying about an ectopic, even though the EPU reassured me it's very likely not the case as my hormones are super low, you can't help but worry until you get the complete all clear can you?

Although I'm worried about this happening again as the visit to EPU was horrible, I don't think I'm going to have a break. I think I've missed this month as I've got an inkling I might be ovulating around now but I'm banned from sex until I get these 2nd bloods back 😂 which will likely be Thursday so think it might be too late for this month by then.

After that I think we will just crack on as DP is conscious of his age, and also I'm wary that my SCs both have Dec/Jan birthday and we really wanted to avoid that if possible as it's such an expensive time as it is. So we'll need to have an enforced break around March/April anyway if nothing has happened by then in order to hopefully avoid a Dec/Jan birthday, so don't want to waste the next couple of months if poss.

It's all so shit as I purposely waited to come off my pill until May, so we'd cleared that time of year, I didn't even consider the calendar might roll round again and we'd still be trying!

Ps. @Aubyone I have an allotment too :) Need to go and cover it up for the winter this week!

@LittleMysSister oh I am so sorry, and I am sure that you are worried about it happening again but chances are next time will be OK and you won't have to to go through that again. I understand the ectopic worry but sounds like your doctors are sure it's not, which is great. I am so rooting for you and that next time you have a smooth 9 months. I had no idea until joining Mumsnet how common early losses were.

Yay for having an allotment! I have had mine just a month but from backyard gardening I know how good it is for my mental health. Not working today so have just been down and covered half of it for the spring! Planning to grow lots of pumpkins and squash. I guess if I don't have a baby next year I'll show off pics of my pumpkins...if I go too much madder, I'll be knitting hats for them! Honestly though, think it's gonna be a real source of joy/distraction if this all goes on much longer.

Phone appointment with Gyno Dept tomorrow - no idea what to expect!

@Aubyone Thank you, tbh it didn't even cross my mind that it might be ectopic until they gave me internal scan last week as my urine was still testing positive and because they saw nothing they classified it as a 'pregnancy of unknown location'. So not necessarily anything unusual, just that they couldn't see an embryo but all likelihood was that I'd already passed it as I was bleeding like a normal period for a couple of days prior to my appointment. Really crossing my fingers for non-pregnant hormone levels in my bloods tomorrow so I can just be discharged and that will be the end of it.

Yeah I love my allotment :) This year has been shocking for me though, lost all my tomatoes to blight, pretty much everything else to slugs, even things they never touched the previous year, like green beans! The weather hasn't helped too, so cold for so long, followed by hot dry periods with no rain. Very ready to put her to bed for the winter and revisit in spring 😂

[quote FlyOnTheWall89]@LittleMysSister so well put! I totally agree. I haven’t told family yet - my mum would be so over-involved and I know she would want me to get everything checked out immediately and I’m getting to that point but I need it to be on my terms, and my partner’s terms.
Friends wise, i have 2 best friends who I work with who know but it’s harder and harder as the months go by because as you say, they sort of must have expected news by now and I haven’t given them any. People also just don’t know what to say and the few other girls who know have been quite annoying in their advice…. The usual just relax, get drunk and have sex kind of thing. I don’t know why but for me anyway, not getting pregnant quickly has some shame attached to it embedded in me which is super sad, but it’s there. Urgh, so so hard.[/quote]
I have one friend exactly like this and I've had to distance myself! When we're drinking she makes me cry with her hurtful comments. She says dumb stuff like 'I had my AMH done and they said I'm really fertile' - she's also nearly 34. I feel like saying just because you have loads of eggs doesn't mean you're really fertile?! And then says even more hurtful things like TTC is fun because all you need to do is have loads of sex, especially drunk sex. She's going to TTC in 2023 after her wedding and as much as I don't want her to struggle like me, I'd love for her not to fall right away so she gets that it isn't as simple as 'have loads of sex'

@Aubyone they sound like great strategies and SO jealous of your Europe trip! I think I'd cope so much better if I could plan things like that. Unfortunately NZ borders are still shut and we're about to get that huge sweep of COVID cases.

We will be walking the Abel Tasman for our first wedding anniversary and praying to get back to the UK in your summer... it's not looking likely at this point! I have been back since I left 2 and a half years ago so will be nice to see everyone, especially my friends who I have drifted away from - just naturally from not being able to join in conversations and lack of comms because of the time difference. They all know we've been TTC and don't ask about it. I agree that people that know and don't ask is really hurtful. Sometimes I just want to share my hurt and frustrations with someone without forcing it onto them.

I got some cheap ovulation tests this month because I have been useless at remembering to track BBT. Will start those in a couple of days as only CD10 at the moment and I ovulate around CD17 (although who knows if the vaccine has messed with that too!). Speaking of which, how do people feel about the boosters? I'm so scared they will mess up my cycles again so having to go through that every 6 months will be horrendous!

@LittleMysSister Oh gosh, that is a worrying thing to hear, but I hope you get the result you want tomorrow and can put the horrible experience behind you. I had a similar year growing things in my garden - weird year weather wise. We apparently have to net absolutely everything on the allotments because rabbits and deer eat it all if not, but hoping to have some successful harvest or at least fun trying!

Oh @BritInNZ I do hope you manage to get your UK trip next year. My aunt had to come over from NZ in the summer and seriously struggled to get back in again, despite the trip being for a very good reason. I realise I am being a teeeeny bit optimistic that Covid won't ruin these holiday plans but have booked cheaper Ryanair flights and making sure all Air BnBs are flexible cancellation just in case!

Good luck with the OPKs - I have never got on too well with the normal ones - I find it hard to work out whether they are positive, and keep missing it, so gone back to using Clear Blue Advanced Detection although I only buy them if they are seriously reduced on Amazon. They work well for me, and I usually ovulate about 48hrs after the Peak smiley thing.

Re: Booster, once offered it I will defo take it - obviously it's annoying for cycles to be messed up so much, but maybe it won't next time? Or maybe you can try and time it for a different point in cycle and it might be OK. I'd be more worried about getting Covid in pregnancy I think, myself.

DH is frustrating me today - he had his SA done last Wed and was told results would be ready within 72 working hours, but he refuses to contact anyone about them. He has this (totally unproven) faith that people will tell him things if they are needed without him proactively asking - this has backfired in that past, leaving him waiting over a year for a needed procedure/diagnosis for something pretty serious, but he hasn't learnt from that. Anyway, if he hasn't heard/hasn't asked by by end of the week, I'm going to force him to phone! We have a joint appointment tomorrow afternoon and it'd be useful to have all the info we can have ready for that. Rant over! Men!

@Aubyone I hear you re men! My DH had his Friday and told me the results took two weeks....thanks for grassing him up 😂😂😂I’m going to tell him to chase! Also I’m glad you said this re the cheap OPKs I thought it was just me! Bankruptcy before I even get to IVF with CBs continues for me!

@LittleMysSister everything crossed for your results tomorrow and so sorry it developed in that way for you - makes it even more distressing, please let us know how you get on.

@BritInNZ everything crossed for your trip and sorry to hear it’s so bad in NZ, I thought things were getting better but clearly not. Your anniversary trip sounds amazing too. Also worried about boosters but they haven’t mentioned them for our age group here yet so I’m hoping they keep boosting the most at risk groups but given my work if not I’ll have to have it again (I agree it’s super important it’s just the cycles and I feel like can’t afford to have them messed up).

Re friends and family. I’ve been really quiet about it apart from to a couple of friends. I guess they don’t ask because they don’t want to add to the pressure and actually I think I’d sort of rather it be that way....but I think it’s probably about knowing your friends. I have some friends who would rather (like me) get to absolute breaking point before asking for help and lots of others who I know want me to ask about everything they’ve told me before so I totally agree it’s hurtful....your friends know which one you are so they should be asking if you’ve opened up. I suspect it’s coming from a place of good though, could you be honest and say it’d be great to get some support and then they might know to talk to you about it more? x

@kmbegs sorry just catching up as there’s been loads of action. I’m so sorry that happened, sounds horrible. Happy you have such a lovely DH to take care of you, sounds like a really good egg! Agree on nothing making it better, the only thing that’s been working for me is working, I’ve been totally stacked at work, out of the house for 14 hours and apart from my shower (which I cry through every morning) I’ve been feeling better when I’m there. Not sure if that’s any use at all as no idea on your work but if not perhaps something else where you have to be ‘on’ if you need a distraction/not think about it day x

Just got my blood results back from EPU and I'm back to pre-pregnancy levels, which is a huge relief as it means no ectopic etc.

I do feel a bit sad as I'm back to square one now and who knows how long it's going to take to see a bfp again, if ever. I had a day or so of visions of having a baby next summer, being able to tell our families about the pregnancy at Christmas...but obviously not to bed.

Don't really know what to expect from the next couple of months cycle-wise , I wonder if AF will come when I usually expect or whether it will be longer because I've essentially just had one? God knows when I'm meant to start using OPKs again. Guess I will just have to wait and see what the next few weeks bring.

*not to be!

Oh @LittleMysSister I am glad to hear your levels confirm that there's no ectopic risk, but also sad for you that they confirm the loss. I hope your cycles go back to normal quickly. There's not a lot else I can say other than I'm really sorry and I'm rooting for you over the next couple of cycles!

Bit of an update from me: Just had an amazingly helpful phone appointment with a really lovely woman from our fertility dept of local hospital (I'm not sure if consultant/nurse but she was awesome and has really put my mind at ease). She asked loads of questions but managed to keep it light and even made us laugh - she was able to give us DH's SA results (good concentration, and motility, but low morphology - 2.5%) and explained what further tests I need and how to get them. So our next steps are:

• Repeat SA in 6-8 weeks
• Repeat LH/FSH bloods because despite having them done TWICE (!) already, first one was total cock up and 2nd one they did on wrong day and the FSH result is missing (grr).
• Ultrasound and Tube test (she didn't say whether it was HSG or HyCoSy but explained it needed to be between stopping bleeding and ovulation and that I should take pain relief before) - she seemed to think if I phoned up next week I should be able to get these booked in for my next cycle which is great.
• Next follow up appoint in 9 weeks which would be mid-Jan, by which time we should have had all the above done.
• Oh and she recommended my husband takes a preconception supplement and, shockingly, he has agreed to - he is pretty anti supplements, so this is a surprise to me, but I'm pleased.

Feeling super happy that a) DH has sperm! b) this clinic seems really on it and friendly and b) by Jan you will have had all the basic tests done! I honestly can't describe how helpful it was to have someone explain the process, what each test was for. Was half expecting for them to say go away and try for another year, so feeling really upbeat now.

Obviously now I'm googling low sperm morphology - but by the sounds of it it shouldn't be too much of an issue as his overall count and motility were actually really high. She said its quite subjective and can change between SA which is why they want a 2nd one.

Ah @Aubyone that sounds like a really positive appointment then :) Glad the ball is rolling for you!

@Aubyone I'm glad it's gone well and you have an action plan for the next couple of months. That's really good news. Good luck xx

@Aubyone sounds like you’re doing everything you can and that the clinic are supportive. Good luck

@Aubyone - my DH has 2% morphology, but his other numbers are good/high, just like your DH's. My GP said it wasn't anything to worry about - because 2% of loads of sperm can equal more good quality sperm, than 5% of a few sperm. (If that makes sense!) Which supplements will your DH be taking? Mine is taking Wellman conception. GP has asked for a new test after 3 months, which will be early Jan.

@Decaffe Thank you that makes sense and I think she said something similar on the call (so much to take in). I've just ordered him a pack of the Wellman conception as they were the best priced all-round ones on Amazon. Sounds like we are in a very similar position then.

Has anyone had a HSG or HyCoSy? I'm not sure which I'll be having, she just called it a 'tube test' and told me to take some pain killers. I have a low pain threshold and have read some scare stories online, but the way she described it, it didn't sound too bad. Realise I'll have a lot more pain ahead if/when we are successful haha so this should be nothing!

@Aubyone the mens tablets I would HIGHLY recommend are called Fertility Blend. They are a little pricey BUT my partner took them and they significantly improved all areas of his sperm. He also took wellmans but didn't see such a difference. They take 2-3 months to improve but we fell pregnant right after this (after a year of trying!!!). I'm so glad they recommended he try these as ours didn't, they were instead pushing us towards IVF!

I also have had the HSG tube flushing procedure! To be honest I didn't do any research beforehand and went in thinking it would be a breeze. It wasn't horrendous, but I would recommend taking a pain killer. The best way to describe it is seriously bad period pains as the dye flushes through your tubes. It doesn't last long, just take deep breaths and it will be over before you know it! Not sure if you read this but chances of conception increase in 3 months after this... as it flushes out your tubes and has a good clean out 😂. I fell pregnant on 3rd month after this (and coincided with my partner taking his supplements for 3 months)

Xx

Thanks @Bella2255 had a quick Google but it looks like they don't make Fertility Blend men anymore! Oh well, thanks for the tip, have ordered Wellman for now.

Ended up googling a lot about low morphology last night, as you do (well as I do!). I think we don't need to be too concerned, like you said @Decaffe because of the high count/motility, but then you occasionally stumble across scarier stuff. Anyway, by the New Year I feel like we'll have a better idea whether there's anything very obviously preventing us and if not I'd feel more hopeful about keeping going a few more months until our hol in April. I've told myself that if we're not pregnant by end of April I want to be doing something differently after that. Have ended up researching all the various treatments available, costs etc, and I think we are quite lucky to have a (relatively) affordable clinic nearby if needs be, and we could just about afford it. Anyway hopefully it won't come to that!

@Aubyone not sure where your looking from in the UK you can buy from a website called iHerb this is where I purchased from xx

@Bella2255 thank you! Also I was meant to add to my last post - so happy it worked out for you and congrats on your pregnancy/baby! And thank you for the advice/experience on HSG, that's really helpful. Hoping to get it booked in in mid Dec, although we have decided not to try that month so maybe I am wasting my post-HSG fertility haha! I have read that before though, and it worked for you!

Hey everyone. Been MIA for a few days while I licked my wounds but onwards and upwards!

@Aubyone I absolutely love your strategies. You made me look into holidays and I absolutely need to get something booked. Nice to at least have something else to spend my evenings googling!

@LittleMysSister glad your levels look good and no ectopic. Hope you're doing okay. I don't test early because I worry so much about a chemical because it must be so incredibly difficult. How are you holding up?

I'm also shocked at how much ovulation tests are! Actually ended up buying an Ava fertility bracelet from eBay about two months ago, I got it for £100 and hoped that would mean no more BBT or OPKs for me but unfortunately it's not that simple and it takes a few months to learn your cycle so I'm still having to do BBT and OPKs. Although I'm so used to it now anyway I guess.

@Carla2601 thanks so much for your message. I am so sad that you cry every shower, I totally get that, it's a time for reflection and where you can't hide from your thoughts. Your work sounds like a great distraction though. I am only in an office two days a week and otherwise work from home. It has its benefits but it has definitely meant a lot of time can be spent down Google holes and obsessing over my BBT charts and on forums etc.

@Aubyone I'm catching up as I reply and just read your message about your appointment. That sounds fantastically helpful! I'm so pleased for you. Great for us all to know what the next step will be too.

My husband just got booked in for his SA and it's not until January!! Aaahh!! So frustrating. He said he called everywhere he could find to see if he could go private but nowhere could take him sooner. Oh well, I guess sadly it isn't that long away now. But annoyingly I doubt my GP will refer me without it. In the meantime I'll get him on a supplement!