9 months TTC and losing hope

[BritInNZ]

Hi everyone

Anyone else nearing that year mark of TTC and just feeling down and wondering when/if it will happen?

DH and I had a private fertility appointment this month and AMH and SA all good - no obvious reason why we can't conceive. We have to keep trying until January when we hit that year mark and then have more investigations.

I KNOW it can take healthy couples up to a year but it's only 3 cycles away now and I feel like I'm at the stage I don't even hope for a BFP as I know it's not coming.

I just turned 29 and DH is 31, so I know we have some time but it doesn't help when you're wondering what's going wrong.

Currently CD1 so obviously feeling a bit meh anyway, so just looking to chat to others in the same boat as I feel alone and like everyone else gets pregnant quickly ☹️ also visiting in-laws this weekend and when we booked it at the start of the year I was hoping it would be a trip to give them some good news, so that's a bit heartbreaking too.

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum stuff but felt like today was a good day to start sharing as me and my partner have been ttc for almost 11 months now, had 1 chemical pregnancy back in august and started my period today after thinking I may have been experiencing early pregnancy symptoms but in fact I had been wrong feeling so down as I feel like it's never going to happen for us. I'm 31 and my partner is 24... it's a comfort reading all your messages and seeing I'm not the only one going through this as it can be quite lonely as as much as my partner is there for me I feel like men can't quite understand it from a woman's point of view.

@KellyE36 welcome to the group. So sorry about your chemical, and that you've got your period after thinking there was hope. I seem to blindly hope every month so I know how you feel. Definitely agree that men don't really get it, hopefully you can get lots of support here, I've definitely found it helpful. Are you planning to go to the doctors if you get to 12 months?

Sorry to hear you're going through it too, we have discussed fertility tests etc maybe after the year mark but we will see how it goes. Just gotta keep hoping we get our bfp soon, staying positive isn't always as easy though but we all have to try

How's everyone's weekend going? We went to visit our friends who have a three month old baby, it was kinda torturous. Then to top it off at brunch our friend said his sister just announced she was pregnant with her third baby and it was a complete accident, just switching birth control 🙄 my husband couldn't even look at me when we were listening to the story, he knew I'd be raging!

Not feeling hopeful this month, but then I guess I'm at the stage where I never feel hopeful. I wish I knew when there was an end date to this. Part of me wants some time off TTC because I can't bear how much it is consuming my life - I feel like I'm not appreciating the here and now.

@BritinNZ sorry you had all that pregnancy chat/baby exposure! It's not easy, that's for sure. Completely get your feeling of wanting an end date and some time off, I keep saying to DH that if someone could tell me for sure that I would be pregnant/a mother in 12 months time, then my mindset would completely shift and I could deal with the 24months that would have taken, just for the certainty. But alas, we will never have that type of certainty and I guess there's something of a lesson in there - on my good days, I think that's its teaching me patience that I don't naturally have. In terms of time off, how are you going to approach Christmas? We've decided to take the month off - at first just because we will be staying with family during my FW (ovulation predicted for Xmas day!) so that's not ideal for sexy time! But then when I thought about having a month off OPKs, temping and eating and drinking whatever I like I am really looking forward to that now. So after my next period (c. 11th Dec) I am gonna stop thinking about TTC (and probably stop coming on here) until the new year. Something to consider! Only thing ttc related I am going to keep up is taking my new set of supplements (which is a lot!)

(the flaw to our plan is that it's now looking likely we won't be able to try in Jan either because he is going skiing with my friends haha... But depending on my cycles we might just about manage it!)

Where abouts are you in your cycle? CD5 here for me so period just coming to an end. Decent time of the month really because there's nothing I can actively do/worry about and I don't usually start temping/opking until Cd10.

@BritInNZ no words of wisdom but you are not alone! I've just started my period so that's 13 failed cycles and I genuinely felt some hope for this one (god knows why). My best friend conceived with one BD in cycle 1 and it makes me so sad and angry that that's not me (and tbf I was happy with it taking up to 6 months) :-(

@KellyE36 hello and welcome! Sorry to hear about your CP.

I feel like the odds of someone on this thread getting a BFP that will give us all hope are increasing as the days go by and more people join!

I really like hearing about people who have been trying for 10+ months getting their positives. I might be completely wrong here, but sometimes it feels like there's either loads of people who get pregnant in 1-6months or on the other hand end up needing treatment and it's a bit weird to be in between. Like I'm sad it's taken this time, but also not in any way going to pretend to know what it feels like to be 18+ months in and undergoing treatment. Anyway, that's why this thread is nice for people in the in between.

I've had a great weekend, very little TTC thinking really. I work on Saturdays and then went out for a nice date meal last night, had 2 lovely glasses of wine without having to worry and went on nice long autumn walk today. Realised that probably 60% of my convos with husband recently have been about TTC/booking appointments and I don't want it to be like that.

We have our 'Gynocology and Reproductive Health' appt on Wed (by phone). No idea what to expect, bit nervous they are going to say we shouldn't have been given an appointment after 'just' 12 months and dismiss us, but hopefully they might be more supportive than that. Hoping to also get DH's SA result this week as well.

Hope you've all had enjoyable weekends?

@Aubyone I don't think I will do any temping over Christmas (I'd like the sleep ins!) but we'll still have to TTC because our fertility specialist appointment is in January so I really want to go to that knowing we've done everything in our power. I think at that appointment I will go on the waiting list for an op to check if everything is okay but that waiting list is around 18 months!!! 😭 so might pay for a HSG myself to rule that out.

I'm CD8 today, so over AF but not quite at fertile week yet (I usually ovulate around CD17 or 18). I'm back to temping this month because the vaccine screwed up my cycle so much I have no idea if it would have shifted my ovulation day too. I think like you, while I was on my period I wasn't thinking about it, but now we're approaching FW it's more on my mind which makes me feel pretty crap.

[quote tryingforbabyh]@BritInNZ no words of wisdom but you are not alone! I've just started my period so that's 13 failed cycles and I genuinely felt some hope for this one (god knows why). My best friend conceived with one BD in cycle 1 and it makes me so sad and angry that that's not me (and tbf I was happy with it taking up to 6 months) :-([/quote]
It feels so unfair doesn't it 😭

Aw @BritInNZBritinNZ, I'm sorry you're feeling down about it, it is shit and you are so right that it becomes all consuming. It gets very difficult not to just think of the days of the month in terms of cycle and you just end up not focused on anything else don't you.

Sorry about that person who got pregnant switching contraceptives as well, that's annoying. Always frustrating to hear stuff like that!!

Hi all, may I join you? I am feeling so fed up this afternoon. 8dpo but no symptoms whatsoever and feeling despondent. I have a telephone appt with the fertility dept of the hospital in a couple of weeks. All the years I actively avoided pregnancy; I thought one glimpse of sperm and I’d fall pregnant! What an idiot. I just can’t see it ever happening.

To add, my GP carried out my LH/FSH test on day 21 instead of day 3, despite me trying to explain, so the results were meaningless really. I’m going to ask the hospital if they will do day 3 tests. My scan was fine. DH only has 2% morphology.

@Decaffe of course and welcome! Sorry you are dealing with this too, but nice to have you on board. So frustrating about the wrong day for blood tests - mine also said 'we do them any day here' which seemed weird and I insisted on having the right ones on the right days. Glad you have had some investigations started but sounds like you haven't got an obvious 'cause' which makes it frustrating. Hope your appointment goes well, keep us updated. How long have you been TTC? I assume a similar amount of time to many of us if you've had the tests done! (I am 12-13months). Think we might get SA results tomorrow hopefully or this week.

Can I ask you guys how you are planning on approaching Xmas with family in terms of conversations/questions about family/babies etc? Our parents are great, and not outright nosy/insensitive but I can tell are VERY much looking forward to being grandparents (and they regularly joke about DH and I being their 'only hope' which I think is a bit insensitive both to us and our 3 brothers who for whatever reasons of their own aren't currently in position to have children) and I could just tell my mum was getting overly excited last time I visited and I wasn't drinking (I generally don't drink in TWW). Anyway, there won't be a problem there because I intend to drink all through Christmas (assuming i don't somehow get lucky before then), but I am SO sensitive to baby talk/any well intentioned questions that I don't know whether to just say 'we're trying but struggling' or just continue to avoid the topic and not say anything. I think I'd definitely like them to know, and get their support if we end up needing treatment but I'm not sure at what point in this 'journey' I want to really open up about it. Do you guys discuss this with parents/close family? I do talk about it a bit (well, moan) with a couple of friends so I don't hugely feel the need to talk to them, but I also HATE the idea of my folks getting their hopes up.

@LittleMysSister yeah I think it's going to be a tough cycle this time around! Luckily work is quite busy so that keeps me occupied. I also said I'd track BBT this month and I just keep forgetting to reach for the thermometer in the mornings 😂 must try and remember now I'm approaching mid-cycle! Might try and DTD every other day this cycle as haven't tried that yet

@Aubyone it's a tough one and I guess you need to discuss with DH and whether he wants both sets of parents to know?

We told my mother in law that we'd been trying and were struggling - his mum is mega clucky and has been knitting baby hats and all sorts (!!!). So I felt for us it would be best we tell her that it isn't straight forward and we've been struggling for almost a year. It's actually been good as she's much more sensitive with bringing anything up and she's also offered to pay for any ops etc rather than going on an 18 month waiting list, which is super kind of her.

I told my mum because I wanted to know how long she took to conceive, but she has never mentioned children and we're not particularly close. She told me I could speak to her anytime and she's there for me... then haven't heard from her since 😂

I made the conscious decision not to tell my dad, at least not yet anyway. He's dying for grandchildren but it's easy to avoid the subject when he's the other side of the world. I know he'd worry heaps and I don't want to put that on him. And also talking about septate uterus and semen with him makes me want to die 😂

So I guess the long shot of all that is, it depends when you feel the time is right? If you want to stop them bringing it up then maybe it's a good idea. If you're emotionally stable enough to deal with constant hints then sure, hold off on saying anything. Ultimately it's up to how you and DH feel 😊

I'm 30 and DH 40 - there was nothing wrong with us other than my cycles were a little longer at 33 days. I went to see a fertility specialist after 6 months of TTC - he put me on letrozole to bring my periods closer together and make my ovulation stronger. Cycle 7... I'm pregnant! Don't loose hope!xx

@BritInNZ I’m sorry you’re feeling down - if it helps you feel any less alone me too. I must have sobbed for 2 hours yesterday in bed which is just not me never ever ever and I hate it!

The Christmas thing is so hard. My mum is normally so kind but on Friday she said something like well you need to decide if you want kids and when I rapidly changed the subject she sort of went back to it by making comments about it being just me and DH (in reference to our dog who is not even two and is the queen of my heart and is going to live forever!!) and now I’m really upset with her but I can’t tell her so I’m just avoiding her calls for a bit in the hope she might reflect and twig. My husbands siblings are the worlds most fertile but least sensitive people so I think we may just have to avoid them! Though his dad made a comment over dinner a few weeks ago so I’m tempted to tell him to just tell them and tell them not to mention it to me ever. Is it terrible that I wouldn’t mind a festive lock down?! I know I’m a horrible human....maybe just a week so we can hibernate in peace!

Welcome to all the newbies...sorry you ended up here but everyone is so so nice you’re in lovely company!

Had my second set of tests today so will share the results for everyone’s comments on my hormones as usual 😂.

Baby dust and kind thoughts to you all x

@kmbegs thank you I shall look into it

Hi everyone. I have also been having such a shit time. My period was late, for the first time ever, so of course my hopes were sky high. Was going to meet a friend and her new baby at a shopping centre cafe so decided to go a bit early and do a test to put myself out of my misery. Bought the test and got to the shop bathroom only to discover I had started my period. Did the tests anyway so I could know if I had been pregnant and that's why I was late, but tests were negative. Couldn't even cry, immediately had to go and meet my friend and her new baby and spend two hours supporting her about her birth and how hard newborns are. I was so upset when i got home that my husband who was working at home took the day off. He's a workaholic so I must have been in a bad way! I feel properly sorry for myself. But on to month 10.

Also I was late for me, but I always have a 12 day luteul phase so I wasn't properly late. Also my temp always drops a good few days before my period but it's still sky high even now. I started taking all the supplements from ISETE about a month ago and am telling myself that maybe they helped support my luteul phase so maybe there's more hope going forward? Probably clutching at straws!

I'm so sorry to hear others are having a hard time too. There's nothing like it is there. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was thinking - go eat the biggest bar of chocolate you can find, get a takeaway, have a cocktail, go shopping. Let yourself do whatever will ease the pain. I didn't feel like any of it though, absolutely nothing makes it better does it?

@kmbegs I'm sooo sorry to hear darling... I'm the same every month, just like a train wreck. Must have been so hard to go and support your friend with a newborn right after AF and a BFN! Life is so cruel like that. Please don't lose hope. We are all in this together. We've seen so many success stories on here. All we can do is hope and try our best. Massive hug to you xxx

@Aubyone on telling family - I think it's a really personal decision and a tough one because it's kind of impossible to tell whether it'll be helpful or not. My family (mum and sisters) knew from the start and that's been helpful for me. It's been good support. As the months ticked by I also told my sister in law, who took 5 years and IVF to conceive her first child (she then went on to have two more naturally). I thought she would really understand like no one else. However she didn't say much and has never mentioned it since (been about 6 months since I told her). In fact every time I see her, I feel like the first thing she says to me is "are you drinking?" (I see her mostly at social events). And I don't know if that's her way of asking if I'm pregnant (?) but whether I am or I'm not, she doesn't ask anything else. I know she doesn't owe me anything, but it's become a source of hurt that she doesn't even ask how we are getting on, and we spend lots of time together, and she must know how horrendously hard it is. I never thought someone would react like that.

I also told a close (very fertile) friend who firstly reacted by giving me lots of unhelpful advice (firstly to "relax" (eye roll) then that I should go to the doctor because there must definitely be something wrong, etc). But then abruptly stopped asking me, and I don't bring it up, and she now says things to me like "if you decide to have a baby I would definitely recommend getting this crib" etc. She knows I am trying and have been for months - it's so weird!

So I suppose just be prepared for a range of responses! I thought people would either be helpful with their support or unhelpful with their support, it didn't occur to me that people might just act like you didn't tell them, and I've found that incredibly painful. Let us know what you decide and how it goes!

As for me, if anyone else asks over Christmas I'm just going to tell them I think. I'll see how I feel I suppose but I won't lie.

Hi guys - I’ve been keeping a low profile but still reading through. Just knocked out of Covid at the mo.

@BritInNZ so sorry you’re feeling down. It is totally normal and I completely emphasise with you. I feel the same and cycle 7, isn’t as far along as you. I don’t feel pregnant at all this time around.

@beansprout55 I didn’t think a 33 day regular cycle was a ‘problem’? Did the doc say much else? I have 32 day cycles. If you’re London based could you recommend the person you saw? I just have no clue where to begin but I feel I need to begin somewhere and ideally before the 12 month mark. So much of what I have read says often timing of sex doesn’t correlate with ovulation but I know we have regular enough sex that that isn’t our problem. I just feel a bit helpless at this point.

@Aubyone It is hard to know what to do with families re telling them.

My mum often makes jokey comments to me as she's desperate for a grandchild, but she has no idea we've been TTC. And tbh I am glad because a few friends I have told have been similar to what @kmbegs has said above - they used to ask about it a lot and now it's a few months down the line they just ignore it completely because they clearly must think it's a sore/awkward spot now, which I hate. I don't think my mum would do this but I know she'd be worrying about me constantly for sure. I just know my family would have such a personal investment in me having a baby that it just isn't worth telling them until it is actually a cert. It would just cause them upset too otherwise. I'd rather they thought I just wasn't up for it yet.

Having now had a chemical as well, I am so, so glad I didn't tell anyone except 2 super close friends, especially as they don't want children so there's no chance of them getting pregnant and worrying about telling me, or pitying me. I am not telling other friends for this reason, as one is currently pregnant and the other 2 have babies so are likely to have a second at some point, and I just hate the idea of them chatting between themselves about how best to break the news to me. Even though they know I've been TTC so that risk is already there I guess.

It's so hard because some days you really just want to moan and complain to someone about it, but equally then you want to erase it from their minds so it doesn't colour their picture of you!!

@LittleMysSister so well put! I totally agree. I haven’t told family yet - my mum would be so over-involved and I know she would want me to get everything checked out immediately and I’m getting to that point but I need it to be on my terms, and my partner’s terms.
Friends wise, i have 2 best friends who I work with who know but it’s harder and harder as the months go by because as you say, they sort of must have expected news by now and I haven’t given them any. People also just don’t know what to say and the few other girls who know have been quite annoying in their advice…. The usual just relax, get drunk and have sex kind of thing. I don’t know why but for me anyway, not getting pregnant quickly has some shame attached to it embedded in me which is super sad, but it’s there. Urgh, so so hard.

@FlyOnTheWall89 Yeah exactly, and it's hard because I can't even blame the friends who have put the topic on the backburner because I am sure I'd be the same.

It's such a tricky topic to navigate - a couple of years ago, I found out a friend was pregnant very early on, following a miscarriage a few months earlier. She then had to tell me when that one also ended in miscarriage too, all because I'd nosed into the subject, so I never asked her again after that. She may very well have felt how I feel now about me just not bringing it up, but it's so hard to know what to do for the best.

It really is tough though because usually I'm a very open person, particularly with my friends. I chat to them about everything and they are a massive support/release valve for me, so it's really hard for me to navigate these waters with essentially just DP to chat to. I love him but he's a bloke and he deals with things in a very different way to me. He doesn't want to endlessly go over every worry that could possibly pop into my mind, and obviously he's also not of neutral status like my friends are, so he takes it to heart when I'm upset and worries it's his fault it's not worked out yet etc etc.

So for me, the best thing has been to hand pick a couple of friends to bare all to, but the rest I keep at arm's length on this particular topic, sadly.