Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@AZ1992X that’s such a positive perspective to have! I’m really glad you’re feeling hopeful and I’m sending all my positivity your way too 💕

I’m going to be doing some yoga tonight and then some crafty bits I think. Try and keep myself busy. Although right now I just want to be a vegetable and watch Harry Potter haha

I will bare that in mind, thank you! I love markets but hate being too crowded. ✨💕✨

[quote HopefulGlow]@Skinnymuffins

Hey skinny muffins! First of all, congratulations!! 🎉 Amazing news on your BFP, especially when you thought those days were gone.

I think it’s fair to say everyone here understands it’s not easy for either parties. For us, going through the TTC journey, and for others, newly on their way to becoming mothers. Neither sides are to blame and both sides need to have understanding and love for each other!

I imagine those friends who are distant from you don’t know what to say either. So please don’t be too harsh on them for not appearing as supportive or talkative as you’d hoped. Maybe reach out to them and be honest with how your feeling? So you can help each other out ✨💕✨[/quote]
I know it's so difficult on both. Just really hope both sides can be supportive of each other 🥰

@HopefulGlow I think the scan is just that (a scan) and the HyCosy is an investigation of your fallopian tubes. Apparently the only reason I was referred for HyCosy is because I've had chlamydia in the past (argh!) so perhaps not necessary for you 😃.

Thank you, I really needed that reminder and I like how you've worded it about feeling more than one way, that's exactly how it feels. I'm not upset AT my friend for being pregnant, I'm just upset that I'm not😢.

@az1992x that's great news about your bloods🥳. It is a win indeed.. each step feels like a small hurdle, and we let out a sigh of relief as we tackle each one🤗

@amy259 how are you doing xx

Hi everyone!

@HopefulGlow how are you doing - any sign of the wicked witch yet? I think they’ll probably do an internal scan - you can’t see too much with a tummy one.

@User1400 I’m okay thank you! 1/2dpo so the long wait has begun. How’s your Friday going?

@AZ1992X Christmas markets trips sounds like a dream, a lovely thing to look forward to. Brilliant news about your bloods - glad that’s another weight off your shoulders. Remind me (sorry), where are you in your cycle currently? Half way through the tww?

@Skinnymuffins obviously I’ve never been on the other side of it, but if a friend of mine had older children then a surprise pregnancy and said to me “it’s hard for both sides, I thought my baby days were over!” I would honestly find it the most insensitive thing, and know that she didn’t have any empathy at all towards my situation. I don’t think it’s appropriate to say how hard it is to find out you’re pregnant again to a group of women struggling to conceive. I try really hard to support everyone in all of their different struggles, but there’s a real lack of understanding going on with that sentiment.

@Amy259 I guess I was saying that sentence to explain to a group of strangers my situation. My closest friends already understand or know this and I haven't said that to them.

I find the comment unfair as I'd always be supportive of friends who are struggling to conceive, if you read my post I said it hurts to watch them go through that.

But friendship is friendship. You either support each other or you don't. Friendship shouldn't be there only if your friends life is going in a direction that you're happy with?

I started the post saying I hope we can help each other. Which you did not.

@Skinnymuffins I meant I thought it was inappropriate to say that sentence in this group, not to your friends.

I’m sure you have been supportive to your friends, but I stand by my feelings that it was an insensitive thing to say to women openly struggling on the internet. Or more accurately, I found it insensitive.

@User1400 ahhhh thank you for explaining! Yes I think it is just for the standard scan for now. But fingers crossed everything looks okay.

Just remember not to be hard on yourself! It’s a difficult journey and there’s reminders about it everywhere. It just hits a little harder when a loved one gets there before us. So it’s okay 💕

@Amy259 I’m hanging in there thanks, but geeze today has been a rough one haha we were given the last 2 hours off work for our well-being which I thought was lovely. So I made a loaf of bread, made pizza dough for dinner, painted some glasses and cases, now I’ve just sat down after putting the sticky toffee pudding in the oven 😂 I’ve been trying to keep distracted!

Still no sign of AF 😩 but I have had cramping today, so I think she will be here tonight or tomorrow 😔 my OH got a bottle of Prosecco just in case 😂 he said either way one of us will be drinking it haha

@Skinnymuffins I’m not sure what help you wanted from us, maybe just another perspective? It’s just a difficult situation, especially, I imagine, for your friends as they are ‘older’ and I would probably say feel the stress even more so to conceive.

I stand by my original comment, that speaking with the ones you feel aren’t supportive but do so gently. It’s a hard route to navigate when emotions are so high on the TTC journey

How are you ladies doing? ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow that’s so lovely of your work - what a great Friday treat! Can I come round for dinner if we’re having pizza, bread and sticky toffee pud please? 😂

Also all the crafty chat was when I was on holiday so I couldn’t follow it too closely, do tell more about painting glasses and cases?! And how cute is your OH with the prosecco 😂 xx

@Amy259 of course you can!! 🍕Haha the sticky toffee pudding was a vegan recipe, it was nice but a bit spongy 😂

Oh yes!! So I’ve been trying to be a bit busy with painting. I’ve done some marble affect on some wine glasses and then started trying phone cases. I’ve just been testing it recently so I think I might start selling them on Etsy soon. For a little Christmas pennies 🎄 🎅🏼 it’s been a nice distraction too!

✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow oh I love them! They’re brilliant! The phone cases look so like a crystal type rock (is that what I mean? I hope you know what I mean 😂). What a talent!

@Amy259 ahhhhh thank you 🥰🥰🥰 it keeps me busy and relaxed…when it doesn’t do wrong 😂 I know what rock things you mean! I don’t know their names either 🤦🏼‍♀️

Do you have any plans this weekend? ✨💕✨

@Skinnymuffins I'm not sure what to say.. as a group of women struggling TC, who are seeking comfort in each other, discussing feelings of guilt and shame around being unable to be as supportive as we would like to be of pregnant friends, it seems a little insensitive to say "You either support each other or you don't. Friendship shouldn't be there only if your friends life is going in a direction that you're happy with". I think I speak for everyone when I say it's absolutely not the case that we don't want to see our loved ones having babies, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Your friends not seeming supportive is not about you, it's about their own personal struggles.

The only analogy I can think of is.. it's like attending a wedding when you're going through a break up. Of course you are happy to see your friend getting married, but being fully present may be a challenge.. then to have the newlywed show frustration that you're not being overtly supportive of their good news, it's like a kick when you're already down.

Anyway, I am not looking to cause any upset and I understand you we're only providing an alternative perspective, however your comment does maybe make me think you do not fully understand the struggles your friends may be facing. The devastation of infertility is in no way comparable to your friends being momentarily withdrawn. Once your friends have processed their own emotions, they will come around, and the problem will be solved, however as for fertility issues, it's a very long road ahead and to expect them to be fully present all of the time, feels very insensitive.

@Amy259 I find the first couple DPO are the most enjoyable of the cycle, pressure to DTD is off and you can relax before you descend into full TWW madness 😅. I think it was you who mentioned BFN podcast? Anyway, I started today! Really enjoying it so far. Only a couple of episodes in but it's as if they are reading my inner monologue😂.

@HopefulGlow that's so cool your work gave you well being hours! My work talks a lot of mental health but there is never any action to follow it up haha. Sounds like you were super productive with your afternoon off too, I would of ended up watching Netflix hahaha.

Does anyone have any nice plans for the weekend🤗? It appears the rain is here to stay for a wee while in Scotland! ☔️

@HopefulGlow OMG - I was noseying the pictures before I read your post, thinking, that looks like an interesting drink, and then I realised the glasses were upside down🙈. They are very cute, you should definitely try Etsy! I love buying bits and pieces on there 🧚🏻.

@HopefulGlow so good to have something to take your mind off everything, I need to find myself a hobby like that again.

I think we’re having a chill weekend, it’s been all go lately and my DH is gubbed, so lazy it is. I’m desperate to finish decorating one of our bedrooms though, so we can move into it, so I might treat myself to a carpet 😂 what about you?

@User1400 100%, me too. The fw stresses me and the rest of the tww is killer, but 1-4DPO are a dream.
Yes it was me, I really enjoy it! I’m on series 3 now which is very IVF heavy but still interesting, but I was like you for series 1 and 2, felt like they were in my brain. Which was lovely. I also learned loads from Professor Tim 😂

Good morning everyone!

Woke up for a wee around 6am and right on time AF arrived. I don’t know why I let myself think this month would be any different.

Me and my OH just cuddled and cried in bed. I’m trying so hard not to be hard on myself, to stay positive and look at the things I should be grateful for.

But today I’m just going to spend it on the sofa, watching Harry Potter and eating my feelings!

@User1400 hahah that’s so funny!! I didn’t even look at it from that perspective 🤣🤣 fingers crossed they sell okay on Etsy, might give me something to keep busy.

@Amy259 a chilled weekend sounds so lovely! I would definitely get that new carpet! ✨💕✨

Hi everyone!

@HopefulGlow I’m so sorry that AF arrived for you, that sounds like a great idea - hope you treat yourself to some nice food ❤️❤️

Your work sound great for doing that - sounds like you had a busy day yesterday, I’d love to be able to make bread but not sure it would be any good so I’ll prob stick to Christmas planning instead. Ps absolutely love the paintings - you could defo make it a thing, I’m sure they would do well on Etsy.

@User1400 Thank you ❤️ It’s certainly does.

@Amy259 I’m 9DPO so not long left at all - not going to test unless it’s late.

@HopefulGlow I’m so sorry ♥️ Your OH sounds great, cuddles in bed is exactly what I need when af comes too. That and cake usually 😂 enjoy your day on the sofa and that prosecco!

@AZ1992X not long at all, when does that make af due for you? Middle of the week?

@Amy259 Around then yes ☺️, maybe Tuesday as my luteal is a little shorter. Hoping the next few days go quick… need to try and keep busy 😂😂

How are you doing? X.

@AZ1992X you can do it - you’re the Queen at not testing! 💪🏻

I’m okay thank you. DH has been quite stressed this week with work and dtd, and he doesn’t mean it but it makes him quite selfish because he’s so overwhelmed? So even if I’m stressed out too, I have to keep everything going at home (my own job, the dogs, feeding everyone etc) and I’m feeling it today, a bit like I can’t really keep him afloat if I’m sinking too? So I’m out with the dogs now then taking myself carpet shopping 😂 a bit of refilling my own cup before I go back to topping up his - pardon the cliche! Any nice weekend plans? X

@Amy259 I will try! ☺️

Glad you’re ok. That must be tough trying to keep positive for him whilst trying to keep everything going too. Like you said he probably doesn’t mean it - I think that sounds like a great idea taking some you time first - enjoy your day! ❤️

I’ve got a long weekend off work - had a me day yesterday going shopping, then think just having a chilled one today & then maybe go out somewhere tomorrow/Monday but haven’t decided where 😂
X

@HopefulGlow I am so so sorry AF arrived, it doesn't get any easier does it😢. Definitely don't be hard on yourself and give yourself a couple of days to grieve. It can hurt so much when you have allowed yourself to indulge in the idea this month will be different, sending you a big big hug💓. A day on the couch with HP and the biscuits sounds lovely🥰.

@Amy259 haha, I am really enjoying the myth debunking so far 😅.. I have spent far too much £ on potions thinking they will work. It really does feel like they are in your brain! Its great we have access to these things, podcasts, mumsnet.. kind of crazy the NHS just leave you to your own coping mechanisms.

I think our OH don't realise how much emotional responbility we take on when TTC, it is hard for them too but I think they think we are both going through the same experience.. when they are not seeing the half of it.

--
I met a close friend for brunch today and she announced she was pregnant. I had that familiar rush of devastation. I felt like I went into fight or flight mode and I just wanted to flight. I wanted to leave lunch immediately to go home and sob. Obviously I didn't, I stayed, said all the supportive things I should have, and drove home completely numb.

Of my friend group, there are 3 of us who don't have any children, now soon to be 2 of us. Of the two of us I know the other girl is TTC, I fully expect her to announce before me, given how long we've been unsuccessfully trying. It feels like I am being left behind, everyone is moving onto a new chapter of their life and I'm stuck in limbo. It even hurts that all of my friends have children of similar ages, they are all having a shared experience and I'm sitting on the outside, desperate to get in. It's not that they leave me out in any way, it's just that their life has changed since having kids, and I can't fully relate to that yet.

It is even painful listening to all the stories of how they announced they were pregnant and their families elation at the news. I find it difficult to fully separate my emotions. I am so happy for them but I feel green with envy, along with a horrible pit in my stomach that I will never get to experience that feeling.

I hope all of this doesn't sound too dramatic but I am just trying to get my feelings off of my chest. I am so glad I have you ladies to confide in, I feel like no one else understands what I am going through. Even when I tell my partner he just raises his eyebrows with an 'oh wow!' and offers a hug, and moves on like it's nothing.

I live in hope that all of this has just been a big misunderstanding and we are just about to get pregnant.. but deep down in my heart of hearts.. I know it's going to be a long road ahead of us.

A bitter sweet start to the weekend...

Xx

@AZ1992X that sounds like a great few days!

@User1400 yeah the myth debunking is great!
With my DH, I think he does get it but he’s never been good at handling stress, so when he’s in the thick of it he literally can’t think about anything other than the stressful thing (work at the moment). Which is hard sometimes because I just have to plod along keeping everything else ticking over. He doesn’t mean it though, but it is tough.

Ahh that’s so tough. It’s so hard to hear it in person, I’d happily just get text announcements so I could process it on my own. Well done for managing to be supportive and stay strong ♥️ But do make sure to let yourself feel it and get it all out too.

And yeah the fear of others getting there first is really tough too. Remember the friend I told you about who was amazing, sent that message about finding out she was pregnant with number 2? Well she went for an early scan today thinking she was 7weeks… she’s like 12 weeks. So she’s been pregnant for 10-11 weeks before she even knew. All I could think was that could literally never be me, because of this situation. I’m testing before one missed period never mind 10 weeks later!

Things like that make me sad, almost grieve the bits of normality we might not get. It’s why I’m putting off telling my parents, I’m clinging on to being able to surprise them one day.

And I feel ya on the hoping it’ll suddenly just happen thing too. But you’re right, we always have here to talk it out and get a bit of comfort ♥️♥️

@Amy259 I agree.. I'd much rather have text announcements. So many people have gotten me in person to announce and said 'I didn't want to tell you over text' and I'm sat there thinking, I wish you told me over text!

Oh, wow! There is no way that could be me either 😅. You do feel robbed in a way. As if others just decide 'right, I'm ready to have kids' and poof the kids appear. I suppose the hardest part is because I thought that is how it would happen for me too.. getting pregnant isn't meant to be the hard part of becoming a parent😭.

Ah that's quite nice your parents don't know (presumably that means they aren't pressuring you?). I ended up telling my parents out of pressure.. purely because I could not take another conversation with my mother pestering for grandchildren and me trying to brush it off like I wasn't ready.

As you mentioned earlier about making peace with waiting until April for help.. that's how I feel too. I settle into the idea of potentially being referred for treatment etc, and then someone announces and it totally throws me. I feel like I go into panic mode worrying about why it hasn't happened for me yet.

Have you had anything in about your HyCosy appt yet? Xx

@User1400 yeah I thought 3-6 months and we’d be pregnant - had no reason to suspect otherwise. This morning on my dog walk I was listening to bfn and a couple on it were talking about how they could just be incompatible because she’s fine and he’s fine but their eggs don’t fertilise (even through ivf). And I was like oh Christ imagine we’re just not genetically compatible?! And had to talk myself off that ledge.

So before we got married both sides were the same as your mum, constantly talking about grandchildren, and we had a Covid wedding and a couple of times during talks about postponing I mentioned not really being keen to delay starting our family… so I think both sides probably have figured it out, and the grandkids comments have really slowed down, but thankfully no one has mentioned it. I’m okay with them suspecting, and my hope is that we magically fall pregnant before ivf and we can then talk about the struggle. If not, I’ll tell them if we get referred I think.

Nothing through about hycosy, wasn’t expecting to hear for a while though. He gave Jan as a timescale for the procedure! You can’t have too long to go, what date is your appt again? Xx