Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@User1400 I know, you really have to want to quit yourself to really be able to try. It's a tough one cos habits are so hard to break. And I am sure the last thing he wants is to be told by a Dr that he would cause you delays. A vape is a great start though, and hopefully he can really begin to cut down. I wonder if there are certain things that trigger him or if its force of habit? My OH tried to drink lots of water and would get up for a drink in the times he'd normally smoke, or have chewing gum, so that he was replacing smoking with something else.

Oh my OH still enjoys many a beer without me haha, I don't mind as it's not like he gets drunk. He goes to the football as well when there are home games so he has his day out and drinks then so I don't feel so bad that I am boring company for him most of the time haha!

It really does suck when TTC is hard enough without the relationship strain too! It really just does make it even more upsetting and shitty. I think because emotions are high we can feel more sensitive. However, I am super oversensitive anyway and was even before TTC haha.

Don't be silly, it's good to get it out. We all need to! Yeah wait until you are feeling a little better and just tell him how you feel, I think when he realises just how important it is, it might give him a little kick up the butt :)

I am trying my hardest! I mean I am bending some rules like I had tomato sauce the other day, and I have mayo but I'm like, I am doing everything else major I need to, taking all my vitamins religiously etc and really trying with the omega 3 thing! I do feel better, I think most days its giving me a more positive mindset - although there are some days I am mega moody and can't be arsed and am just like WHY am I having to do this, its so unfair etc etc. So the little things like allowing vegan/dairy free chocolate, having organic normal potatoes and not just bloody baby potatoes, and having GF fish and chips last weekend are keeping me sane and not making me want to totally throw the towel in. It's for the forseeable really! I am to stick with GF and Dairy Free at least until I next talk to her on the 28th! I am for sure having much more regular bowel movements (TMI sorry) so that must be a good thing. I mean i'd like to be shifting a few lbs whilst I was at it, which hasn't really happened but weight loss isn't the end goal for once (or really needed i guess, but I def would like to lose a bit) xxx

@HJen22 It's just force of habit. He will always find a reason on why he hasn't managed to cut back 'today' and unfortunately until he's ready to give up the excuses, he's never going to quit. It just angers me that even this situation hasn't given him a bit of a shake to make a change. Hopefully you're right that once we talk it out it will give him that kick up the backside.

Yeah emotions are definitely high. I have never really been overly sensitive so I find all of this so hard to navigate, I just don't feel like myself at all. I've tried to talk to my mum but I just don't really feel like she understands, she asked if I had started looking into adoption and I was like hold the bus, we're nowhere near there yet!

OMG you doing extra good if ketchup is bending the rules 😱 eating a whole bar of chocolate is bending the rules for me 🤣. That's great news it's putting you in a positive mindset, that really is half the battle most of the time - we can be our own worst enemies! And if you loose a couple lbs along the way then hey who is complaining 🤗. Sounds like you've got it all down to a fine art!

Any weekend plans? When is your next call with the Drs again?

Xxx

Hi ladies!

@AZ1992X I couldn’t not google him, when he was giving it big licks about being this groundbreaking ivf doctor (he wasn’t lying…😂). Best of luck with your tww 🤞🏻🤞🏻

@User1400 ahh I’m sorry af seems to be coming, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this - tbh I’d kill him 😂 I’d be livid at him doing something that could hinder ttc (naturally or ivf). But on a serious note, and I am in no way condoning it (as I said.. murder), but does he have any other way of releasing the stress? Could it be all really getting to him too, and he thinks smoking is the only way to cope?

DH and I had a few big meltdowns/blowout like you’re describing too, I think it must be so common for us ladies to feel like we’re doing everything - supplements, tracking, symptom spotting, googling, calling drs etc. So you are not alone!! And then we ask them to take a supplement and they can’t manage it 🙃🙃 thankfully something clicked a few months ago here and it’s been so much better since. I think a big part of it was DH was really stressed about it too and his way of coping was to ignore and I thought he didn’t care, when he really did. Could it be similar with the smoking thing - thinking he’s not trying hard enough but actually smoking is his release and he’s super stressed?

@HJen22 you are super woman with this healthy eating mission - come and give me some of your discipline please!

@Amy259 hey 👋🏻 how are you doing today? Well I hope 🥰

@User1400 I know, I can imagine it's very frustrating and difficult to not get angry. And then anger just turns into upset. It's just something else that you have going on that could be cut out and not have you stressed. I really hope you can have a chat and come to an understanding and that he really soon makes an effort ❤️ it will all be worth it!

Oh my goodness. That's a very insensitive thing to say, I'm not sure why some don't realise that. I'm sorry, and you're right, that is not the stage you are at. There are many other options before that.

Haha I'm allowing a few things I know aren't "natural" cos I need some treats. I'd hoped I would shift some lbs but it just hadn't happened. But I'm not counting calories at all and I'm having all sorts of things I don't normally have. Doubled up on fish today, for lunch and tea so I'm really trying / trying to get it out the way this week 😂😂 and I've found out a chipper nearby does gluten free hahahaha so already thinking about that. Gotta have some sort of life right 😇

Our next call is tomorrow; a follow up from the HyCosy/internal and ivf referral. I don't really know what I'm allowed to ask at this stage so I'll just have to wait and see. They probably won't tell me a plan or anything and just maybe more about my factor and what that means xxx

@HJen22 I like him!! Anyone who can make you feel positive and happy in such a difficult situation, especially with needles sticking out of you haha is good & the positive energy you need!!

Thank you, it really has been so difficult. I try to stay calm but it’s just so hard sometimes. Especially because of how she’s treating the children, putting them through this. I feel awful for thinking she doesn’t deserve them. But it’s just frustrating. On top of that she basically cursed me haha said she hopes we never have kids…such a lovely person 😩

Oh wow that is a long journey!! Haha and girls are usually 12 going on 20, so it might be good you get to stay at home with the puppy 😂 that’s amazing your OH drives there and back in one day! Such a long day for him.

You will have to let me know how your call goes!

@AZ1992X glad to hear you’re feeling better. It definitely could be your cycles adjusting again. I know my mum said her cycles changed a little after his miscarriage too. I’m just so sorry you went through that.

I read you should get the Big O soon, any signs?

@Amy259 that Dr sounds good and it’s so funny you googled him haha did he just have a sexy voice? Haha 😂 I hope he answered all your questions and made you feel more at ease?

@User1400 sorry to jump on but I read about your OH trying the vape and not liking it? The second time I quit that was a life saver for me. I used to smoke menthol roll ups so menthol flavour liquid was perfect! I had to start at a high strength and work my way down but by bit. Maybe he needs to try a different strength or flavour? But you’re right, unless he’s ready he won’t be able to.

Sorry for the delay in my reply guys. I had a rough few days so ended up taking a few days off work too. Bloods came back as ovulating though, so need to book next bloods after my period and wait for my scan referral. Got my results in a text message haha so weird?…

Me and my OH are trying so hard to stay positive but it seems everyone we speak to is fed up and struggling with so many things. Beginning to think this year is cursed haha

BUT im determined to turn it around!! Even if it’s just my outlook on things!

Sweet dreams all ✨💕✨

Good morning ladies and happy Friday, how are you all? Anyone got any nice weekend plans?

@HopefulGlow I know, he is just the sweetest and I left feeling positive and relaxed and just at ease. I am not expecting any miracles but it's nice to know I am trying to take control of my mental health a bit more and really try to relax.

That is so awful :( I am so sorry you are going through that. Oh my god she didn't!!!! How could someone ever say that! She sounds like the most hideous person!!!!

Oh yeah she really is 12 going on 20 haha! She was up over christmas and ended up being here for 6 weeks instead of 2 due to covid, and home schooling was interesting haha! But I love her to bits! And always look forward to her coming up!

@AZ1992X how are the OPKs and ovulation going for you? I am sure if you've got some BD in you will have it covered :)

Oh i'm sorry you've had a rough few days and been off work too, how are you feeling now? That's great you are ovulating! Will it be day 2/3 bloods you have next? And did they have any idea how long it would take you to get in for your scan etc? Will that be with a fertility clinic or is it gynae down where you are?

We had our call this morning. It was the Dr who did my HyCosy/Internal scan so that was good. I was able to ask her questions I didn't at the time, and she explained the process and timescale and things. When I get my first appointment through in January it should all be quite quick after that, maybe a 2 week wait til the consultation, then a couple weeks for the nurse then would start the following cycle if it all lined up timewise. I asked about the chances of conceiving naturally and the chances are low so I am right not to be thinking too much about DTD as much as physically possible. I mean, its not a 0% so we will still ensure we do over FW but I'm not holding my breathe. She asked if I'd had the AMH results. I told her no, but I didn't want to know the figure. That will make me stress. She said that was very sensible, and that it matches up with my AFC and what they would expect. I am trusting that its in their capable hands and google will not help me at all if I know that number and search the shit out of it haha! Perhaps I have turned a slight corner, I learnt that the hard way though!

So until then I just need to try and remain positive, do what I am doing and try not to wish the days away until January xxx

Oh and CD1 for me here! xx

@HJen22 HAPPY FRIDAY!!

Like you said, it’s not expecting miracles but knowing you’re in good hands and that has a great affect on your mental health too.

I know, it’s really sad isn’t it. I can’t imagine ever wishing that upon someone. I think she is very selfish, childish and bitter. It wasn’t an amicable breakup and she hated the fact the children liked me too. I think it was hard for her to accept. BUT I keep trying to get rid of that negativity towards her, because that’s not doing me any good. I just keep hoping she will heal and move on. (Even though she’s got a long term partner but hey Ho!) 🙈

Awww that sounds so lovely, such a long Christmas break together. Oh gosh I could imagine home schooling was a challenge 😂 well done to you all for getting through it though 👏🏼

I’m feeling better today thanks, my manager was really supportive. I didn’t tell him about TTC, just all the other stresses and he thought it best I have a break. Which I’m so thankful for.

Yes it will be those bloods but I don’t really know much else. My doctor didn’t really say much and I felt like he was just ticking boxes in terms on fertility information. He was going from a 28 day cycle and comparing me to that 😂 so I was like hmmmmm…. He was nice though so I’m sure I can ask them more when I go in for bloods after my period.

I’m so glad your call went well and the doctor was so helpful. That’s fantastic news about it being a quick process after January! I think the fact you know the chances are low, will help with any pressure you put on yourself. You can take a step back and relax with it. I am really sorry that your chances are low though, I hope you came away from the appointment feeling positive still.

Great idea not to know your numbers too! I Google everything and that’s to my own detriment sometimes 😅 like you said, they are the experts and they will look after you 💕

Do you have any weekend plans? ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow yeah if anything I just want to relax more, I have been so stressed and emotional the last 18 months that it's really taken its toll! And that's not good physically or mentally. So I am enjoying the sessions with him.

I know, its such an awful awful thing to wish on someone, really paints a picture of how horrible she must be. She should be happy that her children like you, as you are a big part of their lives and their Dad's! No idea why some people just like to make life difficult for others. Chin up, you are a million times better a person than her and don't need her negativity bringing you down xx

I'm so glad your Manager was understanding, it really makes all the difference having a supportive boss, I hope having the few days off made you feel better xx

Yeah thats what my GP did, I got start of cycle bloods, OH had his SA then it was just a referral. So was out of their hands and into the clinic's and then we just had to wait to hear from them. Glad he was a nice Dr and sounds like he is doing all the right things and not protesting which is always a plus!!

I know, I am sad that the chances are so low (but i mean I'd guessed that, given we are at this stage and no whiff of a BFP) and that the quality of egg that I am ovulating with isn't likely to go onto pregnancy. The diagnosis I have isn't a great one, I mean number of eggs is a pretty big deal. But we can just work with what I have, hope that we get some good eggs collected and then fertilised. There are SO many hurdles to overcome in the stages of treatment that it scares me but I am going to really try and not worry about those things. And all this omega-3 and VitD that I am trying to increase should hopefully help with health of the eggs I do have.

This weekend we are seeing my sister, brother in law and nephews tomorrow to go to softplay near our house so that will be fun, then Sunday if the weather is ok going a hill walk with my friend and her kids and the dogs! What about you? xxxx

@HJen22 I can only imagine how tiring it is for trying and be so strong for 18 months! I hope this gives you some peace and excitement for what the future holds.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s so sad that there’s people out there, willing to abuse the system and hurt their children for their own gain. We do have a great solicitor though, expensive!! 😳 but so good.

I used today to clean the fridge & freezer. I organised it all then wrote out meal plans! I then made cookies & bread. Then cleaned the kitchen haha I felt better.

Just got a lovely family message that my little brother and his wife are expecting their 2nd!! I texted a huge congratulations, then I cried and now I feel bad. 😅 but I’m so so happy for them!!

How do they test your egg quality then? I think I need to research the process a little more.

You are doing all that you can and trying to make sure you have the best chances, remember that! You are doing amazingly well so make sure you remind yourself of that.

What have you been doing to up your omega and vit D? Is it supplements or diet? ☺️

Your weekend sounds so lovely! I hope you have a great time with your family.

I think I’m going to be boring and clean haha and possibly go for a walk. A have a few crafty bits to do but I’m waiting for some stuff to arrive in the post! ✨💕✨

@HJen22 hello! I’m doing okay thank you, loaded with the cold for about a week now and it just will not ease up. Coughy, sniffly dtd - my husband is a lucky man 😂 CD13 here so currently at the dtd every second day stage, and doing OPKs twice a day for now until I hopefully find a peak in the coming few days.

How are you feeling after your call? Well done for staying strong and not asking what the number is, I would no doubt want to know then 100% completely regret it because you’re so right - you’d probably just worry more.

@HopefulGlow I had to google him!! He actually said the sentence “it’s what I’m famous for” so I needed to know 😂😂 yeah he did have a lovely silky voice - his name is Professor Scott Nelson just in case you fancy a listen (he has a website and Twitter too 😉). He’s the medical director of Access Fertility too, which is the company that helps people finance IVF, so I think he’s an all round good egg.

Your partner’s ex sounds like hard work, sorry you’ve got that to deal with on top of everything else! Xx

Happy Friday ladies!
I hope we’re all doing ok & looking forward to the weekend. ❤️

Sorry just trying to catch up on messages, it’s been a little manic at work this week.

@Amy259 In fairness I would of absolutely googled him too 😂 - especially if he was saying all that - glad he seems to know his stuff though.

@HopefulGlow Thank you, ah really - perhaps it is just my body adjusting then. I had heard it could take a while to get back to its usual cycle.
I think I’ve ovulated now - opks are dropping and cm has dried up.

Sorry to hear you’re having a bit of a rough time these last few days - hope you start to feel a little better soon!

Glad you’re tests came back ok and hopefully it won’t be too long till you hear about the scan.

Love your positive approach even with everything you’ve been going through. If I’m honest I cannot wait to see the back of this year - not been the best and hoping 2022 will be better.

@HJen22 All good thank you! I think we’ve defo covered this month, opks have dropped so hoping bbt will help confirm I did ovulate then it’s just a waiting game.

I’m glad you was able to ask some questions that you hadn’t previously and got to find out more about the process/timelines etc and it’s good that it should start fairly quickly after January.

Hopefully you can take a step back from it all and try and get in a good place mentally ❤️

@AZ1992X happy Friday to you too! Hope your manic week didn’t come with much stress.

Glad you seem to be firmly in the tww! Do you dtd every other day, or just as much as you can? I’m always so torn between a schedule or not 😂 I think scheduled is best for us because I don’t stress about potentially not dtd enough if it’s in the diary haha.

I’d love to just be up for it loads, when I was catching up after my holiday I read one of the girls said they dtd loads as standard and during this fw went wild 😂 I’m so jealous because ttc has definitely taken the spontaneity out of sex here!

@Amy259 thank you - it hasn’t been too stressful just busy, defo ready for the weekend now though.

We normally dtd every other day from around cd10/12 but then do it daily from when I get high/peak until ovulation has happened. So not really a schedule as it can vary slightly depending how many highs I get.

Im with you on that it’s changed since ttc!
Defo could not do what that person did 😂😂

@AZ1992X god love you on the months there’s a few highs on the lead up to peak 😂

I would prefer that - as soon as OPKs went even almost positive, I’d go for it as much as possible. But I know DH couldn’t manage that… he’s just about entirely in control of any performance anxiety, but I think asking more than every other day (especially if he wasn’t feeling it anyway) would be too much. I find it much easier than him to crack on even if I’m not in the mood, he goes into his own head as if it’s wrong that it’s an obligation rather than because you want to, if that makes sense? Whereas even if I really can’t be hooped and couldn’t feel less in the mood, I can get myself there for the cause 😂

@Amy259 there has been the odd cycle like that and we’re both happy we can have a break once ovulation has happened 😂😂.

That must be hard - I think it must be tough on them too as it’s a lot of pressure. I think you’re defo covering yourself by doing it every other day.

It does make sense and I’m with you on that - some days Im really not feeling it but I say to myself what if doing it today is the one.

@Amy259 oh my goodness I just googled him 😂 he isn’t my type but his voice is so nice!! Love the accent 😍 originally I put his name in YouTube….but a weird video about Big Foot came up and I thought….that can’t be him 😂

I hope your cold is getting better? Weather is dropping now and I’m ready for pumpkins and woolly jumpers!

She really is and I just hope she grows up soon. It can’t be good for her holding on to all that hate and negativity!

@AZ1992X that’s great news!! Glad you’ve ovulated, this could he your body getting back into the flow of things 🤞🏼

I’m so sorry this year has been so awful for you. Have you thought of ways you want to see the year out and new year in?

I love doing symbolic things. So I was thinking Of writing all the things down I want to leave behind this year and burning them 😂 in a fire or something!!

Then write a list of all my wants and wishes for next year and really look at them, then maybe burn them too?! 😂 who knows! I just can’t have this year leak in to next. So I’m hoping this for you too!

What’s everyone’s plans this weekend? I’m going to make waffles for breakfast 🧇 that’s about the extent of my plans haha

Hope you’re all okay ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow oh he’s not my type at all - I was quite disappointed if I’m honest 😂 but I enjoyed his voice. No, definitely not big foot hahaha.

Feeling a little better but this cold is so determined. Woke up this morning to the most considerate messages from one of my closest friends - she has an 18 month old and I adore him, she was my bridesmaid and he was at our wedding at just 2 months old, we’re not long back from holiday with them etc. Anyway, she’s just found out this week that she’s expecting again, and sent me the loveliest message saying she understands this must create a torrent of mixed emotions for me, and that she loves me even if this is too hard for me just now, and that she wants me to know that she’s hoping with everything she has that we can spend mat leaves together this time round 🥺

I’m so so happy for them, and it’s such a relief because I was worried I couldn’t be happy for people anymore and I’d only feel bitter. So it’s been lovely to only feel delighted, if a little emotional at her messages (I cried with gratefulness rather than sadness!).

Waffles sound dreamy! I’m getting ready to go for a dog walk with our younger dog’s breeder - so if anyone sees 7 golden retrievers in Fife today, come say hi 😂👋🏻

Happy Saturday girls! ♥️

@Amy259 oh my goodness that is so nice. Your friend is so sweet and thoughtful for sending that.

I am beyond happy that you feel overjoyed for her. That’s a huge thing and we can’t always help how we feel. I am wishing you both can spend mat leave together too, how magical would that be?! I think the fact that you have a friend like that, who is so supportive and kind is so nice!

My SIL announced her 2nd pregnancy yesterday on our family chat. I was so happy for her, which was a relief. I was worried I would be bitter without wanting to be! So I had a little cry because I was happy for them but also hoping I could make that announcement one day 💕

She was pregnant with her first at the same time as my sister, so I thought how nice would it be if she is pregnant at the same time as me this time? 🥰

Ooo your dog walk sounds lovely!Have fun! 😁✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow thank you - was genuinely concerned I was just bitter now 😂

My SIL would be another story I think, they’ve not had any kids yet and I know it’ll hit hard if they’re first. But just reminding myself that it really doesn’t matter at all in the long run, as long as we get there.

Thanks - enjoy your waffles!! ♥️

Afternoon ladies!

@HopefulGlow thank you & I hope so 🤞

I haven’t thought about it much but I absolutely love the idea of writing a list of wishes for next year!! I might have to do that -I’ll try and have quite a few things especially none ttc wishes like travelling more etc…

You’ll have to let me know if you do decide to do the first and have a fire 😂 I defo wouldn’t trust myself - very accident prone.

I love waffles 😍 enjoy!
Weather is fully miserable here so I’m currently sat in bed with a cuppa and starting Christmas shopping. I know it’s very early but I love Christmas and it always gives me something to look forward too 🎄⛄️

Hello all, sorry been rubbish. Work has been busy and I've been trying to stay busy and generally I am hating every aspect of ttc and work so I'm just not in the mood for talking most of the time.

My 2nd covid vaccine threw off my cycle again and my peak was just over 1 and it was there and gone within a matter of hours. I would have missed it if u didn't test. Only thing that drove me to test was ewcm.

Due to my hycosynot going well and not being able to go back to work they all know now and it's just a bit shit cos most folk don't really care.

I hope everyone is doing good and coping with the lead up to ov or the TWW! I'll be back at some point when I feel up to it. Sorry!

@Amy259 I know what you mean, sometimes you have to remind yourself of that. It’s just hard when it feels so far away doesn’t it. BUT it will be that much sweeter when we get that little bundle in our arms 🥰

@AZ1992X I think that sounds lovely, making sure there’s more than just ttc stuff too! I will make sure I do the same 😁 Haha yeah don’t set fire to yourself 😂

It’s been super miserable here today too! It’s jumper and hot drink weather for sure 😍 OH MY GOODNESS! I’m glad I’m not the only one getting excited for Christmas! You are amazing for starting your shopping now.

Did you get much done?

@Loops01 I’m so sorry you’re struggling too! We understand you not wanting to talk, so don’t worry. We will be here if you need to talk or vent 💕

That’s good you got some ewcm! But I’m so sorry about your covid vaccine throwing it off, that’s so frustrating.

Sending you all my positivity ✨💕✨

Hi girls, just catching up on all your messages 🤓.

@HJen22 that’s great news the process moves quickly from January! The NY will be here before you know it. At least you can take a few months to prepare yourself and enjoy the festive season before your journey begins 🤗.

@Amy259 gosh that is such a thoughtful message from your friend! I have the same concerns, worrying about only feeling bitterness and dread at announcements. It is super validating when someone acknowledges your struggle, and doesn’t just decide to spring a pregnancy announcement, without checking in because they feel uncomfortable. Kudos to your friend!

@Loops01 so sorry you’re struggling Loops and please don’t apologise for feeling low 🥺. We’re hear to lend an ear when you’re feeling up to it, sending a virtual hug!

—
Sorry if I have missed any other messages.

After thinking I was about to start AF the other day, I haven’t come on yet. I have been winding myself up the past couple of days thinking ‘this could be it!’. I still haven’t come on today so decided to test and put myself out my misery. Wow, was I reminded about how horrible seeing a BFN is! I’m glad it’s out the way and at least with AF being late it aligns my cycle better for my HyCosy at the end of Oct. Just feeling upset seeing yet another BFN coupled with the knowledge we cannot TTC this month due to HyCosy. Sigh 😭.

Xxx

@AZ1992X I love both your organisation and your Christmas enthusiasm! I’m here for it.

@Loops01 sorry things seem extra tough at the moment, sending you lots of strength and here to chat if you need ♥️