Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@HJen22 sorry I missed your other message! I’m one behind haha

A Facebook cull definitely helped, I had random people on there from 13 years ago haha so they are gone!!

He didn’t mention my OH having tests, he did ask if he has children so I explained he has 2. I have asked my partner to speak to his doctors again because they said to wait to see what my tests said? ✨💕✨

@HJen22 I know what you mean. Overthinking is the worst. It gets my anxiety so bad.

Definitely distance yourself when you need to, if they bring it up and ask you could always be honest. Or just explain you needed some you time?

Don’t apologize!! You can moan here, it’s a safe space 🥰

It’s going good thanks, I’ve been practicing to maybe sell some bits on Etsy. Pass the time haha

Have you done anything?

Your night of acupuncture sounds lovely, do you snooze while it’s happening? Haha ✨🥰✨

Haha that's ok, I typed two as I forgot to respond to the rest !

Oh yeah you did say he has 2, how old are they? My OH had his done, although his DD is 12! The GP kind of arranged it although it was a bit confusing, they basically gave him a form and a pot haha, but we were like surely he can't just turn up with that at the Dr. And rightly no, he had to call the actual clinic and arrange a slot to go and do the sample and hand it in. If he had been closer he could have taken the pot but you still need an appointment to drop off as it has to go straight to the laboratory!

Yeah she knows before I have said about limiting my time spend on my phone so I don't think she'd think much of it! I just then feel bad leaving a message unread. Anxiety is horrible isn't it!

Aw wow thats great, such a good idea to sell on etsy too! I love buying stuff from etsy and supporting small businesses, I have bought lots of cards and gifts and most recently a cute flowery dog collar haha!

I didn't snooze last time as I was a bit weirded out haha, I looked up and seen all the needles poking out and was a bit like waaaah haha but I am going to try my very best to really relax today! I'd love it if i actually got a proper nap haha xxx

@HJen22 they are 5 & 3, so still quite young!

Awww I can’t believe your OH DD is 12! That will be lovely to have her help and be more involved with your little one. Haha thank goodness you clarified, they should have let you know a little more! 😅 Were the test results pretty quick?

I’ve heard so many people waiting around and it’s so frustrating for us all.

I’m glad she knows. I know it’s awful isn’t it. I always try to not read messages if I know I don’t want to respond or get into a convo, but then I feel bad knowing I have a message haha

We will see if they are good enough to sell after this practice lot haha I do love buying on Etsy too! You can usually get some really unique gift ideas too.

Hahah oh my goodness I can’t believe you opened your eyes 😂 so brave!! Do you feel a difference after your sessions? ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow My OH results (I think that’s what you’re talking about) took 3 weeks . Probably similar with @HJen22 as we are both Aberdeen based. Strange as they send you on a wild goose chase to get the sample there within 30 minutes and you don’t hear about it for 3 weeks!

I noticed both of you ladies mentioning your periods are light/short, mines are the same! has either of your Drs said anything about that? When I first had my implant removed my periods returned that same month, bleeding about 2/3 days very light, now they are only 1 day long and I only need to use 1 tampon and I can free bleed the rest of the day/night as it’s so little! I’ve never had any indication from a Dr that this is a problem and they seem to be satisfied that they are regular. It just seems strange to me! I’ve been on contraception for about 13 years straight so I don’t really remember what my periods were like before, but I am almost certain they were longer/heavier..

💕

@HopefulGlow aw just little toots. Do you guys see them much?

Haha to be honest I'm not sure she'll overly interested, her mum has a baby due in December and she has 2 half sisters and some step siblings too! She does adore our nephews but now she's getting older not sure how long she'll be bothered haha that and having to share attention when she's up here!

My acupuncture was really good; he chatted more about what they were for and had a heat lamp over my stomach. I just really like him, he has a lovely way of making me feel calm and I love the hope he has 🥰 I was feeling very positive whilst I was lying there and he tells me stories of people he has helped in the past. I think that and the counselling has really helped me more recently.

Oh that's funny we all have similar periods, @User1400 no the GP didn't seem to think much of it when I first mentioned it, similar to you in that they just class it as normal I'd regular. But the fertility Dr showed more of an interest and I had said they'd become even lighter of recently. I am totally the same; one day I'd say medium; definitely not heavy, can use 1/2 tampons then the rest of the days which is normally 2 I barely even need. I also don't remember at all what they used to be like after being on the pill for 10+ years!

Yeah the SA was a bit of a confusion. It was a 3 week wait, then when the results were in back to the GP bizarrely my OH had to wait 2 weeks for an appointment to be told they were fine. It didn't overall matter as the GP made the referral off the back of my appointment but it seemed quite back to front given it's the fertility clinic that do it! Might be totally different down with you though! And they may just do that later on xxx

@User1400 I can’t believe they took so long, especially after you rushing around to sort them.

My doctor didn’t say anything about them being short today. My first day is always light, then second day is medium, third is back to light.

I was the same though, I had my coil removed and started my period within that month, then I have been regular ever since. I honestly think being on contraception so long has something to do with this. Maybe it’s taking us longer to get back to a hormonal norm? Who knows?! But I barely had periods the whole time I was on contraception too 😳

Maybe I will ask my doctor again about it when they next call. ✨💕✨

@HJen22 we used to see them more, but now we are in the midst of a custody battle so not as much sadly. It breaks my heart, can’t wait until it’s over.

Awww sounds like she has plenty to help with too! Do you all get along?

Ahhhh I love the sound of your acupuncturist, he sounds incredible! And it’s so great that you feel comfortable and at ease there ☺️ I’m sure he’s helped so many on a journey like yours and you will be soon too ✨

💕

@HopefulGlow funny you should say that, my acupuncturist said the same about asking how long I'd been on the pill and it taking a while to get out of my system. He's all about hormone balancing and sorting out things that normal Drs don't look at or see. It's not for everyone I'm sure but I like the hope he brings me 🥰 he was telling me a story about someone who had both tubes blocked and told she couldn't get pregnant. And she did ❤️ someone was telling him the story and he was like; she came to me haha!

Oh I'm so sorry that must be so hard. And at a time like this when you're TTC too. That's awful 😞 I really hope it all gets sorted too. I can't even imagine how stressful that must be.

Yeah we all get on, but probably more so as we are far away, we're in Scotland and they are in England haha. And now we've got the puppy I don't have to go anymore 😂 it's a long car journey but sometimes we'd make a trip out of it when she came back up here but more recently my OH has just driven down and back up same day. Xx

Morning all,

Thank you all for being supportive, I’m feeling a little better today. ❤️

@HopefulGlow prior to my MC they was always between 30-32 days. I’ve had one or two shorter ones recently but perhaps my body is just trying to adjust back to normal - I expect it may be a little longer this cycle as I’m currently CD20.

Glad your gp seems like they’ve been proactive and getting the ball rolling. Hopefully you won’t have long to wait for your results.

I agree it seems logical if your cycles are shorter you would have to ovulate earlier so I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

Hi everyone!

Still here, still reading! The result of a two week holiday distraction means I’m currently super chilled when it comes to ttc and far for consumed by it at the moment, and I’m really enjoying it so I’m trying not to throw myself fully back into it to hold off the stress as long as I can. I’ve got a fertility call at 2:30pm so my chill will probably all come crashing down then 😂

@AZ1992X so glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better today - OPKs still rising? X

far from* consumed

@Amy259 glad you’re feeling more relaxed about it this cycle. I hope you’re appointment has gone well. ❤️

Yes - they’ve shot up really quickly - did one recently which was 1.26 which is probably about as high as I’ll get so I’m happy with that. Can stop stressing now 🙈 x

@AZ1992X appointment was fine, he had the best, most relaxing voice. I was fully convinced he’d be an absolute babe then was a little disappointed when I googled him and found his Twitter 😂 he’s pretty big time though, so that was reassuring.

Hycosy referral (again 🤢) in 4 months. I asked him about AMH because it’s the one thing I haven’t had checked and was curious if he’d check it.. his unexpected response was “that’s actually my test, I discovered the marker. Before Covid I travelled the world lecturing on it, now I’m stuck in my study just telling the walls” alright, big shot!

Apparently testing it wouldn’t change anything for me, he said it’s primary use is to determine how you’ll respond to IVF and what protocol to use, but that it wouldn’t move things faster than the 2 year mark for me even if it was low. (Which is weird given @HJen22’s experience in it speeding up ivf?) I just took his word for it given his CV 😂

That’s great news, you must be so relieved! So good getting that positive opk and knowing all systems are go! ♥️

Hi ladies 👋🏻

Aw that's great @AZ1992X so you should be ovulating soon? I'm glad that the OPKs have continued to rise for you!

I'm glad your chat went well @Amy259 he sounds lovely! Shame he isn't a babe though haha. Sorry you've to get another HyCosy 😞 in my case it didn't speed up IVF so to speak, I got the bloods done when the internal scan showed low follicles and therefore low ovarian reserve. It's to give further info on that for me. I've not had the results yet but yeah, they'll determine the egg reserve better and therefore the likelihood of IVF being worthwhile / the protocol. This gives me the absolute fear so I'm trying not to think about it and hoping it's not horrendous or they'd have told me by now. But who knows! I don't think I'd have had it done there and then otherwise.

I hope everyone is doing well ❤️ xxx

@HJen22 I’m not sure if this helps or not (I’m hopeful it does or I wouldn’t say it!) but he told me on the phone that if I do need IVF and they check my AMH, the value alone doesn’t determine IVF success rate - it’s all about the protocol and what happens after that. He was quite dismissive of AMH as an indicator of success, and made certain I understood that it was information needed to help doctors decide which protocols to use rather than as a predictor for outcome. So I think it sounds like you’re right not to stress about that specific number too much ♥️

I was thinking about this the other day weirdly - if I’d want to share any numbers/values I’m ever told in future, because I know how triggering I find it when it’s me. I’m straight to google or thinking I’m not good enough or whatever if someone has higher/more/less/whatever. I can imagine at something like an egg retrieval, being delighted with 7 and hearing someone else got 12 can’t be nice! Maybe I’m just overthinking it and actually it’s totally fine for everyone else 😂

@Amy259 aw bless thank you ❤️ yeah they haven't told me any number and they might not bother and as you say, it's for later on. I know what you mean and I'm the same; in the book I read it said about maybe not finding out numbers as it can panic / worry you, and lead to all sorts of googling. So I think if they don't tell me, I'll not ask. It was mentioned on a letter I received and just said it would be discussed at another appointment. I don't want to worry about it any more than all the other parts I'll worry about!

This was with your fertility clinic the call today wasn't it? Will they do another internal scan too?

Xx

@HJen22 they said on the podcast I listen to and I didn’t really think much at the time but there’s definitely truth in comparison being a real added unnecessary stress. We’re all in the same boat supporting each other, and I think knowing anyone else’s numbers (never mind my own!) could stress me more, especially going forward.
100% you’re right, they’ll tell you what and when you need to know ♥️

Yeah it was a lovely professor from Glasgow Royal, I definitely already feel like I’d be in safe hands if we ended up under his care. Yeah they’ll do the internal and hycosy again, probably Jan-Feb, and he said if that’s all clear I’d hear from them around April to add us to the IVF list - he then said the standard “but hopefully it’ll happen in the meantime” line every doctor seems to say at this point! In my head I was like mhmm see you April buddy 👋🏻😂 xx

@Amy259 yeah it's so easy to compare isn't it. You are so right, we're all in this together ❤️ sometimes knowing facts can just be too stressful. And I think Dr's are aware we all love a google! Google is the worst too!

Aw I'm so glad, it really makes a real difference when it's someone lovely! Such a hard thing to talk about and when they make you feel comfortable it just makes it that little bit easier. I really hope that it does happen for you before then 🥰 I know all the waiting is so so hard though xx

@Amy259 I’m glad your appointment went well, sorry you’ve got to have another hycosy though.
Hope you’re doing ok.

Laughing at you googling him though 😂😂!

My 21 day bloods was cancelled which is probably a good thing due to me ovulating later so they moved to next week. Should hopefully ovulate today so will just be a waiting game.

Hi ladies, I think AF is on her way today as a bit of light blood when wiping. Having my usual CD1 pity party, wondering if this is ever going to happen for us 😭. Feeling frustrated that I could of just gone ahead with my initial HyCosy date, and now this will make it touch and go for my new HyCosy date 😡. I'll maybe wait until AF goes and see if they have any cancellations.

As I mentioned before, my OH is trying to quit smoking. I felt like he was really on board after our fertility call, but over the last couple of days I can tell he is making no effort to cut back at all. I keep gently reminding him and he keeps snapping at me that he is trying. I understand it's difficult for him as a long (long long!) time smoker, but it's literally all he has been asked to do, and he's not even trying! It feels like yet another thing I've got to keep an eye on because I can't trust him to do this one thing. I can tell we are in for another blow out very soon, given how over whelmed I am feeling even writing this post 😭. I know it's not all of his fault but if we do end up going down the IVF route (which is where I feel we are going), we will not get a referral because of him. I just don't know what to do I feel like I am at the end of my tether xx

@AZ1992X oh hoopefully you ovulate soon and then the bloods will be timed nicely next week. How are the OPKs looking? And the BD?

@User1400 oh I'm sorry, AF is on the way for me too, app predicting today but who knows seeing as I didn't track. Hopefully she stays away for you, you never know!! Not out until she does xxx

Yeah try and get a cancellation and I am sure it will all fit in! So annoying isn't it though! I'm sorry you are having a hard time with OHs smoking. I was a bit of a social smoker before when having drinks, but I stopped as soon as we started TTC. My OH smoked too and I forced him to stop. I know how hard it is when its something you can't control, we do all these things from our side that we have control over and its just an added stress to be worrying about what he could be doing to help too. Remind me, has he had SA?

Sorry that you are going through this and feeling overwhelmed :( perhaps try and tell him how you are feeling, just that you are worried and feeling overwhelmed and that you just want for you both to be in the best health you can be xxx

@HJen22 How did your OH take to stopping cigarettes?

I reminded him (for the fourth day in a row) that he needs to cut back and I added in that we won’t get treatment if he doesn’t stop and again he just snapped that I don’t need to remind him and that he is trying. I would of liked to snapped back and asked exactly how he was trying (seeing he is smoking the exact same amount as he always has) but I am far too emotional to get into a tit for tat and would of ended up crying. But I know that is where it is headed, me having (another) complete meltdown. Why does it always have to get to that stage before he takes any notice? I couldn’t count the number of times I have had a breakdown about how I feel unsupported and that everything is on my shoulders.

It’s always better after we have these blow outs and you’re right that we need to have a chat but I just hate how it feels like I need to have a complete breakdown before he actually starts listening (and then we just repeat the cycle!).

Another thing that is annoying me is that he is trying to smoke out of my eye line, squeezing a cigarette in when he thinks I’m not looking. It makes me feel like the bad cop, It’s not ME who has told him to stop smoking, it’s the Dr! Whether I know how many cigs he’s having or not, the blood test won’t lie!

Yeah he has had SA and all came back clear, which makes me think there definitely must be an issue with me .

Xxxxx

@User1400 he actually managed easier than I thought he would, but I had given him plenty warning. And to be fair, he hadn't smoked all that long. He just kinda ended up doing it more over lockdown and with work stress. But I can imagine it's a lot harder if you have been doing it all of your adult life. He also knew how many sacrifices i was making. Could he perhaps try some nicotine replacement just now? I do know that even that you have to be off of. But time wise if you were referred, you have some extra time seeing as the wait is a wee while.

I know what you mean, I had many a breakdown and felt like I was misunderstood and not getting listened to. It's a really horrible feeling when you are getting to the end of your tether. If you are worried about it coming to blows and an argument maybe you could write him a letter? Oh or get him to listen to some hypnotherapy! There are some on youtube, my BF bought one online actually by the woman I seen and he listened to it, maybe it was that that made him stop!!

Try not to just assume its you, so easy to say and I was exactly the same, but there totally could also be nothing on your side either and it's just been a matter of biology and that 30% chance of happening just not happened yet xx

I had some blood work back from one of the sets of tests the Nutritionist organised (there were SO many tests, all sorts of things), lots at optimal or normal, but very low Omega 3 which is super important for egg health so what she suspected, I am hoping that the fish oil i've been taking the last few weeks from her along with eating fish, flaxseed and walnuts will help that. She said it takes 3 months to make new eggs so we are on the right track. Also low in Vitamin D even though I had been taking a supplement (turned out a childs dose ha it did not say that on the packaging!!) so i've to take a daily spray of that! I feel good knowing I am doing this to try and really help egg health. Anything is worth a try! Still waiting on the hormone test results to come back and will have another call with her at the end of October to chat about them.

xxx

@HJen22 That is good he gave up though, it is all to easy to reach for a beer and a cig after a long days work, so it shows he is committed.

My OH bought a vape (after weeks of me pestering) as a bit of a stop gap to help him quit and he has given up on it already. I was feeling positive seeing him using the vape and limiting the number of cigs but it has barely lasted any time at all and has went straight back to full time smoking (my point again, how exactly is that him 'trying'!).

I researched some books/podcasts to help him quit but I don't see the point in buying him anything as until he is ready to quit, nothing will work, I can't help him if he is not going to help himself.

Part of me just wants to leave him to it, and have a Dr tell him we're not being referred because of him. Obviously I hope it doesn't get to that stage, but it just feels like that's where we're going.

What really gets to me is that we never normally argue, and I feel like it's unfair that we are even having TTC issues and then having those issues interfere with our relationship.

Sorry, that's me and my moans finished! I will have a talk with him, when I am feeling a little less teary!

Wow you are super on the ball with your diet! Are you feeling better for it in general, unrelated to TTC? Totally agree everything is worth a try! It's nice to have something keeping you focused too. How long are you on the plan with the nutritionist for? Xx