Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@Loops01 it's always just so much waiting isn't it 😔 I really hope it happens for you before then!

I haven't yet but it says on the letter I got after the referral that it will be discussed at my next appointment. It gives a better indication of egg reserve I think. I've been trying not to google about it as it freaked me out and worried me.

My most recent letter said 5 months I think it was, I had my referral mid august and they say I'll get my first appointment through in January. I kinda knew I'd be lucky if it was before the end of the year as not sure they'd start new November / December but who knows. I hope they are doing ok. I really struggled and to be honest still am with processing it all.

I can't believe that about miscarriages and then having to wait the 2 years again. That just doesn't seem right. I take CoQ10 ubiqunol that's meant to be good for egg health and loads of the other things from the nutritionist are for it too. But yeah you're right, it can be pricey!

I hope you're feeling better after yesterday! Did you have to go to work afterwards? Xx

@HJen22 it was good thanks, mostly complained about my OH haha. Have you had your session yet? X

@suzy124 aw I'm glad it went well. And I hope you found some comfort and release from talking to her. Does she give you things or tasks to do in between sessions? Just away to join the call in a minute, I'm so nervous! Xx

@HJen22 yeah I'm super fed up of the waiting. It was nice to know that the Dr was really nice with everything and there's nothing major but it's just like you and that other couple may get pregnant before me with the help of ivf. I'm not saying it's unfair and it's difficult to say it best without it sounding jealous or bad. I totally get why you both need it but it's just weird to think that there are so many 'unexplained'. I honestly think I would fall pregnant naturally within like 4 years of trying but it's like why is it taking that long. I think I just end up feeling down that my SILs kid will be nearing 2 years old by the time we get ivf and give birth if it all works out and they still barely tried and started after us. I've honestly been thinking maybe it's 'us'. Maybe we aren't genetically compatible in that way. It's so stupid. Like a wormhole you just get swallowed up in it all.

Yeah @AZ1992X is the same with the mc thing. It's just not right. I do wonder when all the fertility rules will ease/change. Even the rules for same sex or that everywhere is different. So many people go abroad for ivf too. I think it just depends on what they have diagnosed. Absolute minefield ttc.

I am physically better after yesterday but now I wish I felt better as wanted to ask more questions but just wasn't in the right state. I'm assuming I could email or call if needed. I didn't go back to work in the end mainly because I only had an hour left and I felt so weak and faint there was no point! Back nightshift tonight though!!

Afternoon ladies!

Sorry I’ve been a little absent recently just needed a little time out as I’ve been feeling a little down about it all. I guess I naively thought after my MC it wouldn’t take that long conceive and now I’m coming to realise I will probably have to wait a while for any help from nhs. It isn’t like me as I’m normally a very positive person but feel like I’ve been knocked down.

@Loops01 I’m sorry to hear you had a bad time at the procedure - I hope you’re feeling better (physically) now?
I’m glad that everything looked ok - but equally I know it must be hard to know you’ve done everything you can to try and make it happen and there not be an answer. ❤️

Hope everyone else is ok!!

@Loops01 No i know what you mean, I was the same in that I didn't want there to be anything wrong, but knew if there wasn't it would just be more waiting. But as there is nothing wrong, you still have a chance each month! So stay positive! Even if we do get to IVF before you, the chances of it working are still low, like the same as if someone was trying with no infertility factors. I wish it was a given but it's really not, and I know some of the times, its like a practice run with getting medication right etc! I totally understand how frustrating unexplained is though, and it really isn't fair. Oh believe me, I am always down some sort of wormhole its so easily done!

Yeah you can def call or email, I called and spoke to a lovely nurse one day, she was so nice she almost had me crying on the phone! And i've also spoken to people over email. So if you have questions its a good idea :)

@AZ1992X no need to apologise for taking a break, we all need it sometimes. I hope you feel back to your usual positive self soon, self love and be kind to yourself xx

My counselling was really good, I think knowing I had it today is what's maybe made it a bit of a better week, like what you said @suzy124 Knowing that 1 hour was when I could let it all out. She was so lovely and I have another session in 2 weeks. I can have as many as I need as long as I am a patient and she's going to send me some links and resources. It was nice to speak to someone knowing I'd not worry her, or she wouldn't know what to say, or she'd say what she thought I wanted to hear - like friends and family.

xxx

@HJen22 aw I'm so glad it went well! And fab you can have as many as you want! Would you do weekly? It really does help knowing you have that safe space every week. Was she able to help at all? Yeah mine is a dbt therapist so I have things to do, but it's less like writing stuff and more behaviour changes etc. Not easy! Xx

@suzy124 she had said would I like to see her again and I said yeah definitely, expecting there to be a bit of a wait. She said she was quite busy but could do 2 weeks so that was great as I thought I might have to wait another month. I'd maybe do weekly if she could but seeing as it's free and lots of other people using the service I'd be happy with every 2 weeks or even at least once a month if that's all she could do. It's nice to have something in the calendar as next Friday is our follow up with the Dr (not an ivf app just after my initial referral to ask any questions etc I guess) and then the one after I'll speak to therapist again.

It definitely helped talking to her and her telling me to be kind to myself and that how I felt was normal. I give myself a hard time and worry a lot about things out with my control for sure. How are you doing today? Xx

@HJen22 aw that's brilliant, definitely make the most of her! It's really good they're offering that service. Did you feel better after? I sometimes feel great after and other times need another good cry! She's so right, this is so tough for you and the last thing you need is to be blaming yourself. It's going to work out in the end!! 💕
I'm doing ok thanks, still feeling quite numb with it all? Like am I actually gonna have ivf? Trying not to stress about getting the scan done in time, I can't do anything till next period anyway so just putting it on a shelf for now. Only thing I'll do this weekend is look at other places I could have it done privately and cheaper! Xx

@suzy124 I got quite emotional and felt pretty drained afterwards, after speaking about how I felt for a whole hour. But I really think it was worthwhile and I'm so grateful that they offer it. Spoke to my OH about it too and explained how I was feeling. Think sometimes it's just so much to deal with. It's nice to speak to someone impartial. I worry I worry my mum and sister so I don't always want to say exactly how I'm feeling, I probably don't to anyone.

I'm sorry, I really know the feeling, numb is exactly how I felt and still do a lot of the time. Yeah try and not worry too much and hopefully everything aligns and you get an appointment at a suitable time! I know it's not a stress you need though! What cycle day are you now? Xx

@HJen22 yeah that's the great thing about it, you can say whatever you want without worrying about how it affects the other person. It really is so much to deal with I'm not surprised you felt like that after. But hopefully it is therapeutic and knowing you have that may make this journey that wee bit easier.

Thank you, it's a strange feeling. I'm almost like 'why am I not crying my eyes out about this'. Guess that will come. I'm cd 10 but not feeling up to trying this month. Where are you at? Xx

@suzy124 yeah that's exactly it. And she won't say oh don't worry sort of thing! I think friends and family struggle to know what to say, and I totally get that because I'd be the same! I don't know what I'd say to me either!

I was like that to start with, I was like I'm not sad or happy just numb. Then the tears came a few days later. I had to hold it together as we had my stepdaughter up! Know how you feel, I was like that last month and this month we've done it a few times but I didn't stress about the timing or anything really. Need a break from that!

What's on today? Xx

@Loops01 I have been tempted to ask my sister to keep some things for me, but I’m worried she will get too excited and I don’t want the pressure of more people knowing. Silly isn’t it!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry I’m not clued up. how did you know you had a massive follicle?

Have you researched what can help? Anything on sex positions and stuff? Also does it hurt? Or have you not noticed it?

I can’t believe your DH is away now for so long 😩 that’s so frustrating! Damn work, getting in the way.

I ended up having some Prosecco tonight! It’s been a while and it was nice to just sit next to the fire and relax.

Well done for keeping only the junk too!! I’m have you found it okay avoiding certain foods and drink? I found that I dropped off the weight after I had my coil removed…I’ve definitely put it all on this year though 😂

Sorry for the quiet, I’ve had a chill day today!

How’s everyone’s weekend going?

✨💕✨

LADIES! How are we all? Is it weird if I say I missed you..? 😂

I must admit it’s been dreamy having time away from ttc. Af arrived on day 2 of our holiday which was actually lovely because I had no time to wonder and no need to stress over OPKs or dtd on the right days etc because it was af week!

Currently on a ferry back to the mainland for a night in Aviemore. We had the best time island hopping and it was my birthday yesterday too, which I spent on a beach in Lewis - it was dreamy.

I have read everything but I’m absolutely hopeless at tagging!

@suzy124 @HJen22 families are so tough - we haven’t told either of ours but have no doubt they’ve guessed. I just don’t want to have that chat yet, and I’m still clinging on to surprising them one day.
Glad therapy is going well for both of you, it sounds great. Fingers crossed neither of you have too long to wait, Suzy it’s so shit that time is an added pressure for you.

@Loops01 glad the scan went well with good results, sorry about your drama after it though!

@AZ1992X waiting is the worst bit, for sure. I feel like all we do is wait during this ttc journey. After my chemical (13 cycles ago 🙃) I was so hopeful we’d fall quickly too, I guess because you hear of it happening.

Welcome newbies too! Xx

@Amy259 hey! We missed too too! I hope you've had such a nice time away and the break from all things TTC is always good! Glad that AF came for you at the start and didn't cause you lots of stress - although of course wish she hadn't come at all!

Happy birthday for yesterday!! Spent on a beach in Lewis wow! Bet that was lovely! Which islands did you go to? Enjoy Aviemore tonight, we love it up there too! So pretty! Ahhh look at the doggos, great pic! Sure they had the best time too!

Thank you, therapy was definitely a good end to the week. Although I was a bit grumpy afterwards and snapped at my mum when she called IVF an adventure 😂 I was like, it's not! She must have told my sister as she said yesterday oh mum said you said it wasn't an adventure ha. It just makes me sad and irritated a bit that they think IVF is a given when it's not. I know they are trying to say the right thing though and be there so I should give them a break!

I hope you enjoyed your Prosecco @HopefulGlow 🥂 I treated myself and had gluten free fish and chips when out for lunch yesterday. Not exactly "natural" but at least it was GF and dairy free haha. I was dreaming about cheese last night 😂

I hope everyone else has had a lovely weekend!

Where are we all in our cycles now? I'm CD22 but no tracking of any sort this month and only DTD a few times. Think we have needed the rest xx

@HJen22 I laughed out loud there at you dreaming about cheese 😂😂

The big islands we went to were Eriskay, South Uist, North Uist, Benbecula, Harris & Lewis but there are so many little islands too that we went to for walks. Honestly, the most amazing time! Thank you, think we have the happiest two dogs in Scotland at the moment - they’re lucky girls.

“Adventure” maybe isn’t the best term for ivf.. how about a bumpy journey with the best destination?

I’m CD8 and must’ve ov early last month as af came 2 days earlier than expected, so think I’ll start opking around Wednesday and track this month xxx

@Amy259 Happy birthday!! Sounds like such a fab time away and a gorgeous pic of the doggos. Sorry that AF arrived but it's great you had the distraction of the holiday to see it through.

Yeah shit is right. Just trying to believe everything will work out bc otherwise I won't cope!

@HopefulGlow when is your doctor appt this week?

@HJen22 aw I'm sorry people are saying the 'wrong' thing atm. That's partly why I'm keeping it secret, because really nobody can say the right thing. Definitely not what I'd call an adventure though! I hope your OH is still being a big support

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Found out last night my OH is away for work all this week (fw) so definitely won't be trying this month!

@Amy259 I know, ridiculous isn't it 😂 in my dream I ate it my accident and then was like ahhh crap I'm not allowed cheese 😂😂😂

That sounds amazing! I've never been to any of those islands but loved Skye! Will need to get them on the list!! Where are you staying in Aviemore?

Oh I know, I actually feel awful snapping cos I know she didn't mean it, I messaged to apologise and she then apologised to me 😂 (that's me and my mum all over haha) and then I have also been an arse to the OH who just came back from the shop with flowers for me 😭 he's been lovely and I've been a right grump!

@suzy124 oh no! I'm sorry OH is away for work! Sometimes it just feels like everything gets in the way doesn't it 😢 that's so annoying, I wish we had some sort of control over our bodies when it's things like this!

I hope you have some nice things planned whilst he's away?

Xxx

Morning all! Happy Sunday, hope you’re all okay and resting 💕

@HJen22 I’m apparently ovulating today, although that changed from the prediction as I did OPKs this month. So who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️ I will see if I can attach the image. I don’t know if I trust these cheap ones anymore.

@suzy124 Tuesday morning! I don’t joke what to expect, so I don’t know if I should feel excited over a phone call haha but I am a little bit. Just glad to be taking the first step really.

Anything nice planned while your OH is alway?

@Amy259 HAPPY BIRTHDAY! your time away sounds so beautiful 😍💕

How’s everyone’s crafty bits coming along? I did a little bit yesterday and I’m definitely going to zone out and do more today. ✨💕✨

@HJen22 aw your OH is so sweet! Wanna swap? lol
Ah it's ok, I wasn't feeling it this month anyway. A few months ago it would have felt like the end of the world if we missed a month! But I'm just like it's not gonna happen naturally so what's the point 🤷‍♀️ just gonna take it easy and not think about my missed egg!

@HopefulGlow oh that's good it's sooner in the week, ask all you want and don't let them rush you in these covid times. I'm sure they will sort bloods for you and SA for your partner.
Nothing planned atm as just found out last night but will get some distractions and outings organised!

Xx

Sorry work has been so busy! All work and no play!

@HJen22 I'm so happy to hear that your session went well! Is your appt this week with the Dr? How are you feeling now? I constantly feel like I'm letting myself down and everyone else. My mum still tells me that I'm stressing too much and it's like thanks - 1 not helpful and 2 you're putting the blame on me 3 I WASN'T STRESSED UNTIL YOU KEEP TELLING ME I Am! How's the diet etc going? I've been so good exercise wise but after taking a turn at the scan I ate stuff I knew would help (chocolate for quick sugar) and now I'm like well it's messed up so might as well continue! But I'm still tracking cals. Just waiting for payday!

I'm not doing well recently. 2nd covid jab and it's fucked my cycle AGAIN! Was on course for a 29 day cycle. Haven't ovulated yet so I'm looking at a minimum of a 31 day cycle. I've went from 0.45 to 0.19 in a matter of days. If its like the last time then I should still ovulate at some point but I'm 100% out. Also meant that my next cycle is delayed so there won't have another chance until mid-end of Nov. Last cycle of the year. Just feel so upset.

@HopefulGlow I know the follicle from the scan. You can see them all on the screen and the Dr explains a lot plus I asked lots of questions. They do a standard transvag scan and it was massive so I was expecting to ovulate a few days later. Guess that's out now.

I have never had painful sex and periods are never that bad either. Apparently you can do some different positions but I'm not gonna lie, we were doing most of them anyway! Just cos you get so fed up of just lying on your back.

@Amy259 glad to have you back!! Looks like you had a lovely time! I'm so glad. Have you got any other travels planned before Xmas? I'm off to glasgow and Glenfinnan for a couple of days each in a few wks for 1st wedding anniversary. Somewhat looking forward to it but no idea when AF will show as I think it would now be that week but may be later if this continues. Positive in a negative eh haha. We can be out this month together - the good ole days repeating eh!? 😂. Take care of yourself! Love seeing your pictures!!

@suzy124 haha I get you - I wish my dh was that sweet too! I guess they are all there for us they just show it in different ways. You coping OK?

@suzy124 thank you! It’s been such a lovely break, I’m dreading going back to reality on Tuesday! I’ve got a fertility call on Wednesday so it’s back with a bump…
Everything will work out - but that doesn’t mean we can’t throw the odd tantrum about the journey to get there! That’s rubbish that OH is going away all week. I guess it’ll give you a break from a tww, if that’s a good thing at the mo?

@HJen22 I love that, so funny. All the cheese! We’re staying in Grantown on Spey, which is very cute. Just had a big walk in Nethy Bridge which may be the cutest little town I’ve ever seen!! Definitely need to come back and stay there.

@HopefulGlow woohoo you’re in the best few days! 1-3dpo are my fave - absolutely nothing you can really do about it so nothing to stress over, and the tww fear hasn’t quite kicked in yet. Enjoy it!!

@Loops01 hello! Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling down - don’t count out future cycles just yet, if your cycle is a bit off again then you never know, maybe you’ll ovulate when DH and you are able to get together.
No trips planned as yet, DH has a few random weeks off though so maybe try and get over to Arran or have a couple of nights somewhere new. Great that you have wee breaks planned, we need stuff to look forward to!
I don’t plan on being out this month 😂 I’m only on CD8 and plan to give it a good go over the next week or so!!

@suzy124 fingers crossed!! I will keep you posted and let you know what they say.

Awww I hope you have some things to distract you. Do you two keep in contact a little when he’s away too?

@Loops01 ahhh that’s amazing!! It’s amazing what they can do to check things, it’s fascinates me. I’m glad you’ve not had painful sex or periods, that’s a relief. That’s great news about the sex positions too, you have to mix it up sometimes.

I’m thinking of googling positions to stay in once the deed is done haha my OH walked in on me tilted my hips up and we both couldn’t stop laughing. It’s worth a shot 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Amy259 eeeek thanks!! I’m trying to keep positive and not let myself spiral this month. I’ve been googling helping with implantation…so pineapple is on the menu now I guess? Lol

CD8, a lovely fresh start! Are you feeling positive?!

Im losing track where everyone is in their cycle now. Is anyone in their TWW? ✨💕✨

@suzy124 I was so surprised, I almost started crying 😭 bless him!

I know how you feel about being a bit defeated and not being so fussed about DTD. I really feel like that too, just doing it when we feel like that and I told my OH we shouldn't over think it as there's enough going. Yeah for sure take it easy and try and as much as you can, not so much enjoy as that's not the word; but take the time for self love and kindness ❤️

@HopefulGlow ah that's exciting! Happy ovulation and FW! Mine used to change all the time with OPKs and BBT. I've done no crafting this weekend but lots of nice dog walks and chilling, we just sat outside in the garden in the sun and when it got cold put the fire on. Nice just to relax.

@Loops01 I hope work hasn't been so hectic. Thank you, it was nice to have someone impartial to talk to. I'm feeling better after being a bit of a grump on Friday! I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like that. Know you aren't letting anyone down ❤️ it's so easy to beat ourselves up, we'd never think it of someone else but think it of ourselves. It's so easy for others to say don't stress. We don't want to! The diet is going ok thanks, although the fish and chips not very nutritionally acceptable 😂

Sometimes chocolate and sugar is just needed, so don't feel bad about it! And well done for sticking to calories! Tomorrow is a new day and new week!

How annoying Covid has messed with your cycle again! I'm sorry! Not what you need at all! Why can't our bodies just do what they want when they want!

Ah we went to Glenfinnan last year, it's so nice! I love Harry Potter so I was in my element! You'll have a great time and so nice to have little trips planned! And to celebrate your wedding anniversary ❤️

@Amy259 Grantown on Spey is super cute! Not sure we've been to Nethy Bridge, need to add to list too! I have enjoyed going to places nearby that we'd probably not have went to!

I wish I'd asked more about follicles and everything but I was trying not to squeal during the HyCosy part, I def need to ask some questions at our follow up next week! Also about how long after the first appointment treatment is likely to be. I naively though oh appointment in January meant it would be like, then, but actually there's probably another wait when you get to the "top of the list" so to speak xx

Morning all,

This cycle is absolutely the worse and getting more down about it all 😔

I’m CD18 now and haven’t had any sign of my opks rising if anything they are dropping to almost zero and bbt also confirms i haven’t ovulated yet - no idea if it’s just going to be a bit later or not happening this month? I have been on antibiotics and wonder if that’s had any affect on it.

The only good thing is I’m due a blood test at the end of the week and if I haven’t then that will show and hoping they may intervene earlier than planned.

@Amy259 it looks amazing - I hope you’re having a great time and a well earned rest & happy belated birthday! I hope you had a great day ❤️ X