Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@User1400 oh I know, they really don't stay little puppies for long! I was clearing out my phone yesterday and was looking at all the videos and photos of when we first got her, I'm like HOW was she ever that small 😭 🐶 she really has helped to keep me going in a super hard time!

Ugh the dreaded TWW. Did you do any tracking this month? I hope you're managing to stay distracted! I read about SMEP too and had planned to do it one month, I think that's the month we DTD 5 days in a row 😴

It's a horrible feeling isn't it. I feel like we know our bodies. I've always had a fear about not being able to get pregnant, I have no idea why! It's so hard when you know you've tried and tried and it's not happening.

My week has been ok; work is still a bit slow but I know it will be hectic soon; never a happy medium is there. Haven't been bothered with the gym (my gym buddy is on holiday) but plenty dog walks so I'm getting fresh air at least!

Been doing my urine samples for the hormone test my nutritionist set up, 2 samples yesterday, did one on waking today and another to do in 2 hours! Think I'll get all the results at my next call with her start of October.

Xxx

Hi ladies, once again sorry for my silence. Still struggling and avoiding. I really hope everyone is doing well.

I'm having to do amh bloods and an hsg, but much like the hycosy they only do hsg once a week and have to wait till next period to book. Then once that's done can apply for nhs funding for IVF. Bit stressed though because needing to be starting treatment before I turn 35 in Feb. So it can be done but if hospital mess me around next month I will arrange private hycosy to speed things along xx

@suzy124 hey lovely 🥰 I'm sorry you're having a rough time 😞 don't be silly, no need to apologise; sometimes we all need time out!

Did you have an appointment earlier this week? How did it go? That's good they are arranging those tests though! Is that the same as HyCosy just a different name? I hope you get it booked in without stress; it's just something you don't need isn't it! sending you lots of hugs xxx

@HJen22 yeah it's v similar only this uses iodine and x-ray or something. Don't know why it's not a hycosy. Anyway yeah feeling extra stress about getting that booked in good time. Did you have to wait until you started your next period to ring? He said there's no point ringing this month even though I'm cd7.

I'm glad to read you're having a pretty good week and things aren't getting you too down atm. How is the diet going? Xx

@suzy124 ah I see! I did think it was very similar, different hospitals must call it different things (consistency across the board doesn't seem to exist does it!). I had to wait for a letter from the clinic to then call as there was a waiting list. If you don't have to wait for a letter there would be no harm in calling to ask? They may have had a cancellation sooner than the Dr thinks? I had mine done cycle day 11 but I think any time is fine as long as AF isn't here.

It's going ok, I asked if I could eat other stuff than fish as salmon I can handle but not mackerel, sardines etc! They said yeah anything organic so I've managed to buy mince and steak and things for some variety! I've probably been having more gluten free bread than I'm meant to be - think it's like a just in case / desperate but I'm a bit like, eff it I'm having it haha! Did a big shop on Sunday so I'm feeling way more prepared this week. I've been doing the urine samples for the hormone tests she wants me to do; 4 over 2 days. Keep thinking there is something else I need to do but can't think what!

How are things with you and your OH?

Xxx

@HJen22 I think it is different as hycosy doesn't expose you to radiation? He said they don't do hycosy don't know why. Think I will ring tomorrow to check for next week, let my name get in the system today.

That's great you're able to have a bit more variety, and don't feel guilty about the bread it's gf after all! I really can't imagine how hard the diet is, I would have folded after a day lol. You then send the urine samples off? Is your counselling this week?

We're doing a little better in terms of communication but I'm just so amazed at how non-fussed he is about everything. I phoned him to tell about the call and we'd likely be having ivf by January latest and it's like I was talking about the weather lol. Ah well, at least one of us is calm. Still not a great support though so I'm trying to be a better support to myself with the help of therapy. How are you two doing? Hope he's still being a good help! Xx

@HJen22@User1400

Sorry for the delay, it’s been a busy one and my brain has felt like mush 😅

So I’m back on the OPK’s, just in case the doctors need more recent results. I have a question… they say not to drink for 2 hours before the test….does anyone actually do that??

I’m always drinking from my water bottle haha so it seems almost impossible to not do it for 2 hours haha

I’m due to have the big O in 2/3 days but I honestly don’t know if that’s even happening 😂 I blame the cheap LH tests I’ve been doing.

I’m going to be doing some crafty things over the next few weeks in hopes it distracts and calms me ☺️ Fingers crossed!

That’s great news about your puppy! It must feel so good having all that training and hard work paying off. How old is she now?

Also telling your boss is a great idea too, definitely a weight of your mind. I considered telling mine, but sadly they’re a gossip and I couldn’t trust others finding out. That’s so bad to say isn’t it 🤦🏼‍♀️

SMEP oooo, what method is that?

Auuuugh TWW is the worst! I don’t think anyone knows how to make that go quickly or actually not think about it.

@suzy124 it’s ok we understand space is good for the soul sometimes. Some time away can do you wonders, I hope it’s helping. I really hope you can referred for IVF soon, do you know what the wait time is on that?

Hope everyone is having a good week? ✨💕✨

@suzy124 ah cos it's X-ray rather than scan. Other than that I think it's much the same. Yeah that's a good idea. This was your first with the fertility clinic wasn't it?

Yeah and I've been having some dairy free chocolate but I am sticking to gluten and diary free as much as I can! I mean when we were away I had chips in the pub haha and we had Indian but I chose a dairy free curry and had no naan so I avoided the really obvious bad things 😂

Send off the samples tomorrow when they are all dry, I've four paper things that have to wait 24 hrs. This is the expensive test so I hope it's got lots of detailed results. Counselling is Friday yeah. I'm a little apprehensive about it. I'm just doing it myself but OH could have come on the call too if he wanted.

Men 🙄 I'm glad to hear you are doing better with communication. It's so hard to explain to them just how rubbish we feel isn't it. I hope that therapy is helping too. We are doing ok, I try not to talk about it in one way or another every day, he supported me telling my boss but hasn't told his parents yet.

We might be IVF buddies then. Sad that it's come to this for both of us but at least we will have each other to chat too. And we never know, it might happen before then. I've really taken a step back from tracking or obsessing about DTD and I think it's helped a little. I'd absolutely love for it to happen naturally but I just don't think it will, and mentally I need to get into a better headspace for IVF.

Xxx

@HopefulGlow as soon as the funding is approved there's no wait. If there was I'd be screwed! It's just a matter of getting these tests out of the way first which hopefully won't take long.

Re the opks I did experiment one month to see how drinking would affect it and it didn't at all. I also drink water all day long so I wouldn't worry. I just tried to decrease slightly in the hours before a test which I think is easier to do in the morning xx

@HJen22 yeah first appointment but with a gynae at the hospital. Fertility clinic is only when they send you for treatment. It's all a bit of a headfck tbh.

You've got to have some enjoyment in your life! I think you're doing so well. Oh I agree I think doing it yourself is best, initially was going to do our first appointment with both of us but glad I did it myself as he never pushes back on anything doctors say. Woman taking charge here 😂 I really hope it's helpful for you.

Yeah I've kind of stopped telling him how rubbish I feel, but I think therapy has helped a lot and I'm able to self-soothe a bit better now. It makes me kind of sad but not talking to him about it all the time has made things easier in the relationship. I'm really happy to hear your boss was so supportive and I'm sure it's a huge weight off your shoulders. Is there a reason he hasn't told his parents?

Yeah we may well be! It's a scary thought but have to remember it might not come to that. Feeling a bit numb with it all. Like I always believed I'd never get pregnant but deep down I don't think I ever thought it would actually come to this? Xx

@suzy124 glad there won’t be a wait once the funding is approved. I really hope it’s speedy for you.

I’m glad you did that experiment! Saves me worrying now. I barely get any peaks so that’s not great! But ah well, going in the right direction by starting the help process.

@HJen22 sorry to jump on your comment to Suzy, but I have thought about this so much, and also had many arguments/discussions with the OH about it. I think the first step, and even every step after that, for getting help is a huge deal. Getting yourself in the right mind space and ready to go down that route is so important but also so much harder than I imagined. But it’s not because I don’t want it…I really hope you two get your BFP’s very soon, with or without help. Seeing those 2 pink lines and having your first scan will still always be an incredible feeling. No matter how we get there ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow Hey! I used to use OPKs and never really bothered with not drinking water, I was the same, always having out of a bottle and it's too hard not to when you get a high reading and have to do them like 4 times a day! The Dr may or may not ask you about them, personally my Dr didn't recommend them and was just the "do it every 2 days all month" theory! But I liked to know when I was supposedly ovulating and confirmed it with BBT some months!

Crafty things is a good idea! I haven't done anything like that in a while, and was just speaking to my friend about doing an xmas wreath this year - we say we will do it every year though haha! What do you have planned?

SMEP is all about the days to do it on over the FW, and using OPKs!

Puppy is 8 months old now! If i go back to the office full time I'm going to really miss her! I love our morning snuggles and lunchtime walks!

@suzy124 that is a strange way of them doing it isn't it! Maybe its to keep the fertility clinic more free for the actual baby making part!

Haha women taking charge is the way forward! I think it will just be nice to talk to someone who's used to dealing with us going through this!

I think he just hasn't really had a chance to see them both together and not busy - lately when we've seen them his Dad was helping with our flooring, his mum took her grandson round etc. I can also understand why he isn't in a rush - I haven't actually told anyone the news face to face. I have spoken about it now but the initial telling was all over message. I don't really want to be there when he tells them - his Mum made a comment about me being too old a while back and I really hope she approaches me and the subject sympathetically, or I will not deal with that! And also, awful position for my OH haha!

Oh believe me, I very much have days where i am like "HOW is this happening to me", "Why us", "This can't be real". For the first few weeks finding out I also felt really numb, it's just not something you ever imagine happening to you. I have had a few better days after weeks of being down, but I am sure I will be back in the pits of despair, it's such a rollercoaster of emotions. So please know that its ok to feel like that, to be angry, sad, annoyed. I am like the most maternal of all my friends and always have been, and am going through this. Hurts :(

@HopefulGlow dont be silly, jump in whenever! Yeah you are so right, we need to look after ourselves and getting help is important. Thank you, i know, those 2 pinks lines will all be worth it in the end! xxx

@HJen22 well the clinic is private so I guess makes sense the nhs doctors aren't there. Still wish it was all one though, simplicity is needed at times like this!

I can't believe his mum said you're too old. Aren't you younger than me?? And it's such a load of rubbish and so insulting. Maybe it's best not to tell some people. I'm not even sure I'm going to tell my parents! xx

@suzy124 oh is it! But you get NHS funding through the same place. That's very confusing isn't it! I've no idea it we're waiting for forms re funding or if that will be in January. I'd like to think they'd have us do all of that before our first official IVF appointment. The last letter said we'd get login details for everything.

I'll be 34 in March. It's insane as her daughter had her child when she was like 40! I know she said it as a throw away comment and that's just what she's like (why some people just say stuff like that I've no idea though) and I was too quiet to say anything back at the time but after I was like wtf! Yeah I really don't want to go into any detail with anyone about what stage were at when going through the treatment. I think he wants to tell them just as they'd probably be upset if somehow they found out some other way (we were very careful not to talk about it infront of my OHs daughter too) or if they make some insensitive comments because they aren't aware of what we're going through xxx

@HJen22 that’s good to know! I keep doing them to see if I get a peak but nothing yet. Not that it means anything if I do, I would just love peace of mind that I am actually ovulating. Do blood tests confirm that? Or will I need a scan 🤔

Ahhh there’s so many different methods out there, it’s hard to keep up!

Awwww little cutie, she is doing well with training then for a puppy!

I forgot to ask how the dairy free is going? (Or I already have and I forgot! Haha sorry if so) I’m mainly dairy free too….apart from
Cheese haha

Ohhhh Christmas wreathes sound lovely! Such great presents too. Im actually wanting to paint some baubles 😂 getting in the Christmas spirit already!

@suzy124 can I ask is the therapy private or nhs? It’s good it helps too, it’s sad not being able to talk to your OH about it all but I understand the strain it can put on you both.

✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow I think at the start I tried not to have too much fluid right before doing them but as time went on I don't remember paying much attention! I also did the CB ovulation monitor which is good but more expensive. You just have to do it first thing each day and then it gets to peak you don't have to do it anymore. However not sure mu ovulation means all that much cos I think with low ovarian reserve it can mean they aren't very good eggs that are being released - although I don't have a very good understanding of that so I'm not sure! I didn't get day 21 bloods which confirm ovulation but some people get the test!

Yeah she's great! We took her to puppy 1-1 classes and then to group class too and she's very sociable; she wants to stop and talk to everyone and every dog 😂

Dairy free is a lot easier than GF. I miss cheese! I bought vegan and it's a bit strange but was ok melted in a wrap. Milk I'm
Ok without as I've been having coconut which is nice. Also miss chocolate but I've been buying that vegan too! Luckily there are some things which are gluten and dairy free. Can be hard as I suppose some people are one or the other! But plant based is always good and it's becoming more popular!

Aw bauble painting will be lovely! We normally have a real tree although I'm not sure that's doable with the puppy now 😂 all the garden centres and things are getting in their decor which is nice!

Xxx

@HopefulGlow it's private, hellishly expensive but very much needed. She's a specialist in women's issues too so a great help on the fertility journey. I'd be waiting years on nhs for any help like that.

21 day bloods will be able to confirm you're ovulating, no need for a scan. Have your bloods been arranged yet?

@HJen22 I'm sure that will all get sorted before you start treatment in January, you can always clarify things at your next appt?

Still can't believe your OH's mum, some people are so insensitive I would have absolutely lost it! I'm at that stage in life where I'm tired of making excuses for people haha

Xx

@suzy124 she sounds really good; we're you able to keep appointments during Covid over video?

Oh I know, my mum is the total opposite and never ever pressured me or said anything like that. I wish at the time I'd said something but I'm the sort of person who is just too quiet to say anything but afterwards wished I said something. It's a crazy thing to say and so hurtful. It was the first thing I asked the Dr when she referred us, was it cos of my age. And she said No. So it's best he tells them when I'm not there and can say it's not cos of my age! It's just not something I want to discuss with her. I feel bad as she would do anything for us and is super helpful with things, just not very gentle or sensitive 😂

Xxx

@HJen22 yeh I have heard of the CB but don’t know if I should get them now. Also like you said, you may be releasing them but it doesn’t mean they are good enough for the swimmers.

Awwww that’s so good!! My friend now takes her dog to Doggy daycare haha it’s round their corner from her work and she doesn’t feel bad when she’s in the office now. I didn’t even know places like that existed haha

@suzy124
I complete agree with HJen, your OH’s mum needs to learn some manners and decorum! I would never dream to say something like that to someone. Some people are just so cruel and sometimes they don’t even know it!!

Private is expensive BUT it’s so much better than what you get through NHS. I had some sessions at the beginning of the year and because I knew all the techniques to try and stay positive and feel better, they discharged me after like 5 sessions. It was no help at all 🙄

If yours specializes in women too, that’s perfect! I really hope she helps you find some peace and get things off your mind 💕

Nothing booked yet, the doctors want to talk to me first. So that appointment is Tuesday morning. I’m hoping they don’t fight it 😩

When I last went in to get my smear done the nurse wasn’t great. She asked if I could be pregnant, I explained we were TTC and if I was pregnant it would be 1 week, maybe too early for tests. I tested anyway, obviously it was negative and I cried. Seeing yet another negative, even though I knew it would be, crushed me. She just sat there looking at me. Then once I had calmed down, just asked if I was ready. All in a monotone voice.

The thought of having a doctor who isn’t supportive/sensitive makes me a little nervous.

I’m so happy it’s nearly the weekend ladies!! I’m so tired and this week has just been difficult 😩

What’s everyone’s weekend plans? ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow I found them a little less stressful than normal cheap OPKs cos you only had to do it once a day, and you didn't have to try and figure out how dark the line was, I found myself taking a million photos to like try and get the best reading! With CB its either low (a empty circle), high (flashing smiley) or high (static smiley) - i think thats the right way round. And then you didn't have to do them anymore. Didn't work for me but then I have an egg issue!

Aw thats so cute! Lots of places and people have taken up dog walking and things! We have a friend of a friend coming to stay at our house and watch the pup in October and thats his job!

Haha it was my OH's Mum with the old comments! I would NEVER ever dream of it either. I have never once said to someone "When are you having a baby" but I have had it a lot. And even those who don't, they still try and sort of ask. A friend recently said "Do you get asked alot", well yes, and you are indirectly asking me right now too!!

Oh I'm sorry you've not had the best experiences with Nurses and things. It really makes a huge difference when they are nice, and you would think they would know that. Everyone I have dealt with from bloods to the HyCosy have been lovely, although the receptionist confused and panicked me asking had I not had a call when I arrived - I thought she was telling me my appointment had been cancelled or something but I think the ward had just called me to go straight up. So I will let her off, but being the first person I seen she could have been a little friendlier.

Do you know which Dr you will be speaking to on Tuesday? If you have been trying for a year they should def get bloods and your OHs SA analysis done, and then from that make a referral - thats what happened with us, varies place to place I think but the GP should at least organise that. I also had to do a chlamydia swab!

Aw I hope you have some nice weekend plans? Sorry its been a difficult week! We are out for my parents 40th anniversary meal on Saturday and not much else planned yet! What about you? xxx

@HopefulGlow sorry the second "high" in the CB explanation should have been peak haha

@HJen22 I only started seeing her in May/June and it's all been over video call which I'm fine with as it would be an hour's drive otherwise and saves me fuel if nothing else! She specialises in bpd (which I have) along with women's health so it's a great mix.

Yeah I can imagine it was super hurtful. I hope she never says anything like that again!

@HopefulGlow what makes you think they'll fight it? How long have you been trying? Also that nurse sounds like she's in the wrong job!! I'm sorry you had that experience. Is your GP nice?

---

So I rang the x-ray dept and they hadn't even got my referral yet. Said they'd put a letter in the post with instructions and to ring on cd1 next month. That it needs to be between cd5-10 which doesn't leave a lot of leeway. The consultant I spoke to yesterday said up to day 14 but the receptionist there was adamant it wasn't. And if my day 5-10 doesn't fall on the day they do the test then what?!! Eugh think I might have to go private, haven't got time to lose

Xx

@suzy124 ah that's good, and saves you driving and fuel. Sounds like she really helps you 💕 I am hoping my lady tomorrow is nice. Not sure how many I'll get through the NHS but I hope a few!

Yeah it was, I felt for my OH as we then had an argument about something else she did and he didn't want to upset her. I was like oh so it's ok for her to upset me but you don't want to upset her 😂🙈 not ideal! I know she won't have meant it; but still.

Oh no, why is nothing simple! I hope you get your letter through soon! And that they have appointments. They must leave some space to cater for the fact you have to call on CD1. Have you looked into private for costs just in case? I couldn't find anywhere local for me to do it but that's with us being so far north! I really hope it fits in with your cycle though! When should CD1 hopefully be? Xxx

@HJen22 yeah I really hope you get someone very lovely and helpful. Don't be afraid to let it all out!

Oh men and their mums 🙄 they really do tiptoe around them don't they. I think they end up feeling pulled in 2 directions at once so end up doing nothing!

Yeah it's stressing me out a bit but I've already enquired with private clinic who said they can book me in no problem on cd1 next month. Cost is £500 though yikes. Cd1 should be probably be around weekend of 16th Oct, just fingers crossed nhs can do it. Receptionist also mentioned that they only have one person who does it so if they're off there's no list that week! Xx

@suzy124 sometimes when I think I'll cry I don't, but then will cry at the most random of things. I've had a slightly more positive week so hopefully I can go into it a bit better then I would have last week. I'm not holding my breath that this will continue though!

God I know they really do. I'm like she can dish it out but can't take it back 😂 I'm all talk though and like a mouse when it comes down to it haha!

Oh yeah so you did, sorry! That's good to know though but yeah costly! Hopefully it doesn't come to that! Ugh really! Sounds like she was pretty negative about the whole thing! I guess preparing you for the worse case and having to wait another month; but surely that must have spaces cos what if it happened multiple times (which it won't I'm sure!) you'd think they just have to keep space. Mine was back to front in that I had to book and just hope AF was done. But then they didn't have august appointments open up til the June.

The joys 🙄

Have you got anything nice planned this weekend? Xx