Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@Amy259 not even a urge to test which isn’t like me - Ive normally tested by now 😂, Although I go away on Friday so if it’s not arrived by then might test so I know before I go. Not feeling hopeful this cycle - just started getting bit bloated so think AF will arrive.

Well if you did it peak day or the day before there’s a chance! Hopefully the next week or so don’t drag too much for you. Hope you had a nice time ❤️

@suzy124 Thank you, it was a really tough time but just trying to remain positive it will happen. ❤️

Nope I’m in England, I thought that 😂 - are you in England too?

@AZ1992X so sorry to hear about your MC and that is reset the clock, that must of been really hard to process❤️. Tbh I don’t think anyone has really talked us through all of the options, I am guessing that will be based off of the results of the HyCosy. I should probably look into it so I am not left feeling blind sided.

@suzy124 lol, I like the sound of not even having to be on speaking terms! There is many times we have missed peak ov because we have been arguing about TTC! I think giving up the supplements battle is probably for the best, as frustrating as it is..some battles are just not worth the fight! I have given up testing near AF time, I couldn’t keep putting myself through it, it would ruin my whole day.

@Amy259 @AZ1992X I think you guys are right about my friend. She knows all about our TTC journey and is probably nervous to see me too. She has every right to be excited (I would be setting off fireworks if it was me!) but I will deffo take on board the idea of having back up convo - in case it starts getting to me!!

How are all of you tracking ovulation? I only use OPKs, I use the cheapies from Amazon and they are never super dark (it makes me paranoid) so I started using the clear blue digital ovulation which seems to confirm I am indeed getting a peak. And despite all my research I don’t have a clue how to track CM! Whenever I check CM I can never tell any difference from one week to the next. I’m on CD
8 and after my two months off I’m going to dive back into tracking tomorrow.. I feel drained even thinking about it!! Xx

@AZ1992X that’s good going! We have a wedding when I’ll be 11dpo… so I’ll probably end up buying tests and checking before we go, though I’d much rather not know as it’ll ruin my day.

Thank you, it was lovely. Is this your romantic weekend away? Where are you off to again?

@User1400 I tracked with OPKs for like 8 months, logging them in an app, and I did bbt to confirm ov too. I started noting my cm around each stage too, so basically all of the above means I know I have 30/31 day cycles, ovulate day 16-18, af comes on 15dpo (14 day luteal phase), and I get ewcm for like 3-4 days around ov then cm goes creamy the day after I ov. And I can randomly check my temp one morning now and know if I have or havent ovulated, versus previously having to do it every day, because I know where my temp sits during each phase.

So basically it’s just been time! I stopped tracking 3 cycles ago and had no idea just how stressed I’d been peeing on sticks. If we were struggling to DTD or were going to be apart or whatever, I’d probably do random OPKs to check, but if we dtd every second day around the right days of cycle I don’t bother. It probably wouldn’t work without tracking if you weren’t regular though, are you?

@AZ1992X That's great to hear ❤️ it's so hard to keep hold of the initial positivity month after month isn't it. I don't think I have any hope left lol. Yeah I'm north Hampshire, where are you based?

@User1400 Did you have your OH on supplements too? I agree, it pisses me off that he won't take a damn tablet despite saying he wants a baby as much as me. But it's a weight off my shoulder and try not to think about it anymore.
Re tracking I was doing temps and opks up until a couple months ago. The benefits to my mental health were enough to stop doing it altogether, I only did a few this month because I didn't think our timings would match up and wanted to check. Agree with @Amy259 now I know my cycle and when I ovulate roughly I can just be on the lookout for ewcm. For me it's fairly obvious since I increased my water intake and started eating healthier. My GP told me not to obsess over cm so I don't make a point of checking internally anymore, just what I see coming out (sorry tmi 🙈). Don't know if you've also temped but it really helped me to get to know my cycle too and loved seeing the temp rise a day or two after opk

Xx

@User1400 Thank you ❤️ - I’ve come to terms with it now. Trying to keep positive it may happen before next April as that’s when the GP will refer.

That makes sense regarding what would happen next - hope you don’t have too long to wait.

Similar in terms of tracking - I BBT which I think helps the most as you can see it rise after ovulation. I originally used clear blue but I didn’t get on with them so moved to the easy@home strips and the premom app. Im trying to cut back using them as much now as I can see changes in my CM to know I’m about to ovulate.

@Amy259 can understand that, Glad you had a great time!, yes it is ☺️ We’re off to the lakes. I think AF will arrive soon as my bbt has slightly dropped this morning

@suzy124 Agree, it gets harder each month doesn’t it. I get down when AF arrives but try and pick myself up again and think it will happen it’ll just be when. Is that in the South? , I’m in the East Midlands. X.

@AZ1992X welcome ❤️ I'm so sorry you had to go through that, must have been so heartbreaking 😢 stay positive and I really hope it happens for you so you don't need that April appointment!

@suzy124 it was specifically an IVF book but I am sure there must be some out there. I'm also sure there's a programme with a comedian about fertility, Rhod Gilbert. To be honest I don't think my OH would have read anything I'd put his way before, and think it's just because he knows I'm scared for IVF and I want him to be aware of all involved.

I've been the same with tracking these last 20 months, started off just an app, went onto OPKs, then BBT. I've had a few months doing morning and a few with the CB OPK kit. Similarly I kinda know my cycle, I ovulate around day 9-12 usually, with the odd day 14 thrown in there if it's a randomly longer cycle. Now AF has gone well just try and do it every 2nd day from now for FW. I'm going to try and not put too much pressure on, it would be amazing if it happens naturally and I know it can, but mentally I can't deal with processing IVF and the whole 2WW at the same time!

Sun seems to be well and truly gone in Scotland now 😂 made for a much cooler dog walk this morning!

How are you all? Xxx

@suzy124 sorry meant to say yes I've got a follow up with the nutritionist in October and I think I'll maybe get all the results of the tests then, I'm not actually sure - or maybe she will email them! I'm awaiting a load of vitamins from her too! I'm going to be rattling. This was all at an added cost which they don't tell you about and you don't want to NOT take their advice, so it's a bit sneaky haha but willing to try anything to improve my egg health and overall health in prep for IVF x

@AZ1992X ahh lovely, I hope you have a great trip! A change of scenery will be great, I’m sure. Annoying that af may arrive just in time for your romantic getaway! Annoying, but typical.

@HJen22 I can’t imagine a tww and the ivf news would’ve been very overwhelming last month, a good idea to have a break for sure. I can never decide which part of the cycle I find hardest, it all involves waiting around! I think I might struggle more with the start than even the tww because I don’t ov until later, so the first two weeks of every cycle absolutely nothing is happening and it really drags.

According to the weather app on my phone, it’s rain for a week now! Great…

@suzy124 we are still using supplements however my OH doesn’t take his unless I physically put it in his hand.. I used to get so angry about it, it’s such a small ask given all women are willing to put themselves through. Anyway, I decided not to let it bother me, I don’t need another thing to worry about!
_
Thanks girls! Seems like tracking BBT may be the way forward? I am regular and have only ever used OPKs but I’ve never fully trusted them (probably because I’m still not pregnant) I think I’ll look into using BBT alongside to confirm. You all sound very in tune with your cycles and i’m glad you don’t have to test as regularly anymore, it does wonders for your mental health.

On another note, as I get back to tracking after my break.. I am feeling so down about it. It really upsets me that we are all even having to go through this. Its crazy to think some people decide they want a baby and are pregnant within a month.. Its even crazier to think that I was naive enough to assume that is how it would happen for me.. yet here I am 2 years later with no whiff of a BFP.. I know it’s not a race and it doesn’t actually make any difference to my journey how someone else reached the destination, it’s just a hard pill to swallow. The hardest part is just not knowing if this will ever happen for me 😭

Sorry for the downer ladies, my mood is in conjunction with the Scottish weather today!

@suzy124 I'm feeling you! It upsets me too, it's just such a hard thing to go through - and gets harder as time goes on. I am also on a downer today. I should be happy as AF is done and I know I should have positive thoughts etc and keep trying anyway but on days like today it's just like Ugh! I feel like I've got a lot less hope now I know the issue and although IVF is on the horizon somewhere that just really scares me. And sometimes just makes me annoyed and bitter and angry and sad. All the emotions really. I don't want to feel sorry for myself but some days are just crap aren't they. I also want some bread 😂 and then get annoyed like WHY am I having to do all this haha. Sorry - negative Nancy over here today!

My tip for BBT is track up to confirmed ovulation and then stop. I found myself getting way too obsessed with the graph and what it was doing on the lead up to AF I felt it gave me false hope sometimes. You may be totally different but I found it quite hard mentally. And I was always worried I wasn't doing it accurately enough what with having to have a certain amount of unbroken sleep and it having to be at the same time each day - I wasn't great at that!

Xxx

Morning ladies. Sending lots of love to those struggling today and don't ever apologise for being a downer. I'm guilty of it myself 😂 but remember that's what we're all here for. It's great having a safe space to moan and feel supported no matter what. When I'm in the pits I just try to remember that this struggle will all be a distant memory someday ❤️

@AZ1992 yeah I get so down every AF even when I can feel it hasn't worked that month. Yep, in the south, I'm not too far from Reading.

@HJen22 tbh I don't think we'll be that far behind you in going for IVF but we shall see. It is a scary thought not being able to conceive naturally but we just have to remember how many millions of people get their miracle through IVF and it will be sooooo worth it 🥰

Sorry that posted before I finished...

@HJen22 I really hope the diet and exercise works wonders and you won't need IVF after all. Sending you bucket loads of hope and strength 🌈 I'm sure you are mentally exhausted! It's good you have appointments and things in the meantime so it's not like there's a big stretch of time where there's just waiting

@User1400 I'd recommend temping for maybe 3 months if you have regular cycles (I mean hopefully you won't need to!) You should then see a pattern emerge and along with the opks can then match up to the cm you see at that time. When I first started I hadn't a clue what cm I was looking for, and if I hadn't tracked both I probably still wouldn't know.

It's definitely a hard pill to swallow but we are all getting closer to our goal 💕

Xx

@HJen22 It can be so hard to stay positive some days. I feel as time has went on, I’ve given up hope. I fully expect AF to arrive, and she always does. I used to symptom spot and test like mad but now I just count myself out even before the cycle ends, I couldn’t tell you which one feels worse .

I can understand feeling apprehensive about IVF, it all just feels like very unfamiliar territory that none of us expected to experience, I suspect the same as @suzy124 that this may be the route I end up going down too.

Thanks for the positivity @suzy124 it’s given me a wee smile on my face. As easy as it is to get bogged down on how unfair it all feels, I guess it is good to remember how lucky we are to have these alternatives available, there is more than one way to skin a cat🙂

Thank you all for BBT advice, I think I’ll get myself a thermometer and start tracking this next cycle and see how I go Xx

Thank you for your kind words @HJen22 ❤️

@Amy259 Thank you I’ve officially broken up from work, really looking forward to a nice getaway.
You’re right defo sums my luck 🙈 - if my last cycle wasn’t shorter it probably would be due when I was back.

@suzy124 think that’s completely normal to feel like that - like you say even the months you’re not positive about you still think could there be a chance. Ah, thought so but I’m not the best at locations 😂

Thank you ladies, just having one of those down days! We all have them and I know I just need to accept how I feel and let myself wallow for a bit but then pick myself back up and tomorrow is a new day! Just feeling grumpy and fed up today, got angry at all the stuff I got sent from the Nutritionist to take haha cos its SO much! OH has bought me a wee tablet thing like I'm an old lady! Preparing me for heaps of meds later on I suppose!

@AZ1992X ah fab happy holidays! So nice to have some days off work isn't it! The Lakes will be lovely! I really want to go, my OHs daughter lives down south and we drive that way (although I have gotten out of the trip to get her now we have a dog haha) and it all just looks so nice around there and also the Yorkshire Dales. How long are you away for?

@suzy124 I got a letter through today (the NHS letters give me the fear as they have the address on them) and I am assuming its our follow up call that I asked for, so that's on the 1st October. You are right, at least I have things in the diary! And as you say, we are all getting closer to our goal!

xxx

@User1400 yeah I agree about the bbt adding to stress, so definitely stopping after you’ve confirmed ov is a good idea. No need to apologise for being down, we all get there. I write myself off too, some months I’m looking at the calendar for when I’ll next ov when af hasn’t even come yet. Where are you in this cycle? Sorry if you said, I’m rubbish at keeping up with where everyone is!

@HJen22 sorry to hear you’re having a shitty day, but glad you’re letting yourself have it - we all need that sometimes. And how cute is your OH for getting you a wee pill case? 😂

@suzy124 I thoroughly enjoyed your wee pep talk there - you’re right, however we get there it’ll all be worth it!

@AZ1992X any sign…?

@HJen22 Thank you, yes defo is - It’s been crazy busy at work too so happy for the break! I’ve not been since I was young so looking forward to it.

We go first thing tomorrow just for an long weekend - back work Tuesday. Just hoping it don’t rain as we’ve planned most of the weekend and a lot is outdoors 😂.

@Amy259 nothing yet, it was either today or tomorrow based on previous cycles. I’m gonna test tomorrow morning if it’s not here by then but I expect I’ll probably wake up and it’s arrived. It’s what normally happens.

Either way I’ll know then going to try and switch off for a few days.

@Amy259 I know, how cute is he! I threw a bit of a strop with the amount haha bless he's really trying to avoid me having a meltdown!

A great pep talk from @suzy124 and so right in everything said! I am going to have some gluten free toast for tea, pjs are on and tomorrow is a new day!

@AZ1992X that will be lovely! I really hope you get some sun! Or at least some dry days! Remember and pack the cagoule 😂 are you staying in a lodge or hotel?

How is everyone else? Xxx

Morning!

@HJen22 Thankyou! , yes I’ve got it packed already just in case & a lodge/pod type thing 😂
Hope you’re ok?

@Amy259 AF turned up this morning as expected, going to have a break from here and all things TTC the next few days then onto the next cycle.

@AZ1992X I'm so sorry AF turned up 😔 I really hope you have a lovely time away and a little break from all things TTC and enjoy some quality time with your OH ❤️

I think I'm ok today, will definitely try and be less depressed and down in the dumps as I was yesterday.

Happy Friday ladies, how is everyone else? Xxx

@AZ1992X I’m sorry to hear that, this ttc malarkey is brutal 💔 yeah good plan, have a brilliant few days away full of tasty food and fun outdoor times (I’ll keep my fingers crossed for the weather!). Time off here is so necessary sometimes, looking forward to hearing all about your trip when you’re back xx

@HJen22 happy Friday to you too! Great news that you’re feeling a bit better today, the ups and downs of ttc are crazy aren’t they? I hate how much of an effect it can have on my whole day, especially when I’m totally fine then see/hear something that hits me like a train.

I’m okay thank you, this tww is a dragging a bit but other than that I’m grand! I spent yesterday with a colleague who has her 12 week scan on Monday, so today can only be easier than that 😂

@Loops01 how are you doing??

@Amy259 such an emotional rollercoaster isn't it! I'm really hoping I can be more positive today and it's almost the weekend! Ugh the TWW seems so long doesn't it, what cycle day are you on? I need to get motivated, this should be me into FW.

Oh that must have been hard, I'm sorry. These things really hurt your heart don't they. My colleague who I literally sat across from at work (before WFH) is also expecting and is younger than me. I'm excited for her but at the same time being at home is a hell of a lot easier. I briefly told her before my clinic app we'd been trying cos I felt bad I hadn't but now I regret it cos I don't want to tell her about IVF. I've avoided the question and just said I'm fine when she asked how it went.

Anyone got any exciting plans this weekend? It's my nephews 2nd birthday tomorrow so that will be nice 💙

Xxx

@AZ1992X So sorry about AF, she shows up at the worst times. Hopefully you can still enjoy your weekend and taking some time off TTC, it will do you a world of good ❤️. Cant wait to hear about your trip🙂.

@Amy259 I’m CD10 so I think ov will be due for me soon. I am going for dinner and drinks this weekend and I always get worried about drinking around time of ov (no idea why), but I just need to remember that I need to enjoy my life! How far are you in the tww? Gosh I don’t know which part of the cycle is most stressful!
—
Oh girls, it’s so heart breaking watching others on their journey isn’t it, especially when people start asking questions about when you will start a family (as if it’s not all I’ve been thinking about for 2 years!). I got jealous when I seen a stranger with a bump yesterday, aargh, I hate how bitter this TTC malark makes me.

Xx

@HJen22 I think I’m 4dpo so still a fair while to go! It just feels like it’s dragging a little this month.

She told us all at a team lunch when she was just 7 weeks (we work with large animals so need to be really careful once pregnant) and I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. She’s older than me but I just didn’t see it coming at all from her, and (this is awful) but she’s super unhealthy, she admits she’s really overweight so a high risk, and I was just so frustrated that I’m here doing absolutely everything I can and DH and I are always healthy, active, non-smokers, etc etc anyway yet nothing!

@User1400 I’m 4dpo so a while left. We have a wedding when I’m 11dpo so I’m not 100% sure what I’ll do about drinking or testing or whatever. I stopped drinking at home but don’t think I’d cope if someone did the “ohhh not drinking amy?? 😉” thing at the moment, so I have a glass or two at events.

I’m the exact same as you, I’m normally a really positive person and always celebrating other people’s successes, yet ttc makes me grudge it sometimes, which I really hate. And I’m so aware there aren’t limited pregnancies - them being pregnant isn’t stopping me! But it’s still so hard.