Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@User1400 I am so glad that you have found us and feel better getting things off of your chest, i find it always helps me!

The HyCosy wasn't the worst, I have a low pain threshold i think, so the "cramp" like pains really got to me, I was doing quite a bit of oohing and ahhing, but I didn't stop so it wasn't SO bad that I couldn't go through with the whole procedure. I don't really suffer bad cramps with AF so it felt sore to me, but I am sure you will be fine. And it's over relatively quickly and the Dr was lovely and the Nurse held my hand. I get a bit squeemish and sometimes feel a bit faint with things like that haha drama queen, my fingers and hands went all weird and like stuck afterwards, i think from the tension ha i couldn't hold the water they gave me!

They said its about a 4-6 month waiting list, I am pretty sure it will be into the start of next year given Christmas is right in the middle of that. I have a counselling session this month which they provide for free which I hope will be good, as I am finding it quite hard to get my head around. I have avoided telling one friend who I had told we were trying and I had the hospital appointment, and another Ive not went into detail. Its hard cos when you say to a few friends you are TTC you dont then expect to have to tell them its IVF.

I am enjoying getting back into the gym, oh I know, its hard to find the energy when you are eating way less but after a few days i think our bodies get more used to it. I also find i have to really watch what i eat more so than exercise loads, sadly! I just find exercise helps me mentally and i dont want to eat rubbish as much if im going / just been to the gym! Walking is always good! I really enjoy classes at the gym where someone is telling me what to do rather than me wandering around the gym aimlessly haha!

@suzy124 hello lovely! How was the rest of your trip and journey home? I hope you had a great time away! And that's really good that you managed to TTC this month even when you didn't think so! As they say, just takes the once so fingers crossed!! When is your call again, its this month isnt it?

Haha well to be fair, I am currently googling how to make healthy sugar free tomato sauce and beans hahaha! You know what these people are like, I'm sure the Dr wouldn't say to, but it's worth a try. I know that with IVF the chances are low, and also mine are even lower given my low egg count already (I was sadly reminded of this in black and white the other day when my letter arrived of our appointment) so I really just want to give it my all in the hope it does some good! And no, my OH is quite a fussy eater haha so he can do his thing and I will do mine, we sorted a cupboard in the kitchen just for my healthy food, although he is being very supportive!

@Amy259 how was your trip to Jersey and your family wedding? I hope you had a lovely time!

xxx

@Amy259 Oooh lovely, where were you? Glad to hear it was a success 😉 I'm doing better than I was thanks, but still so fed up. It's tough cos when you're in the pits you think you'll always feel like that and when you're relatively stable you're dreading the emotions to come! Like I know it won't work this month but will still cry when AF arrives 🤷‍♀️ I actually did opk this month for a few days but only bc I didn't want to SI if it was totally pointless. I've told OH I want sex from now on and to try harder to get help for his issue. Like if it was a problem with me I'd be doing everything to try and sort it! My first call is 22nd so we're not far apart! Expecting to be underwhelmed though xx

@Amy259 ah sorry I must have been typing as you were and just noticed your message!

I hope you and DH had a wonderful time away, I bet you were so happy to be reunited after isolation!! And I am so glad to hear you had fun no-baby making sex, it can be rare at these stages can't it! I def needed the break this month, I was annoyed we couldn't before the appointment but I then really wasn't in the mood after it, so a break I hope has done us good! xx

@suzy124 we were in Jersey - I can’t recommend it enough! It was so beautiful, about 28 degrees and just stunning. We stayed in a farmhouse in the country and got buses into town and to the beach, ate lots of local seafood and even treated myself to an ice cold glass of rosé.

You’re so right - I used to say the exact same thing to DH, that if it was my issue I’d be doing absolutely everything to help. Thankfully we’ve sorted it now but there was hiccup on Sunday morning where I made a (very obvious!) joke about him now “just lying there” when we do baby making dtd, and he just totally shut down and was quite hurt by it because he thought he was doing great finding a way we can dtd without fail. And it is great, I was joking! But I didn’t think he’d still be as sensitive to it, so it was my fault for making the joke. I was frustrated though because it meant we didn’t dtd and it was an important day, so I was annoyed because I wouldn’t let a joke stop me trying to make a baby. It ended up with great sex that night though, which was even better timing because I think it was about 24-36 hrs before ov, and he definitely didn’t just lie there, so not all bad 😂

@HJen22 both were lovely thank you! The wedding was a nice excuse to get all dolled up, and the holiday was a dream. So glad you’re feeling good after your break, have you managed to have any fun bedroom times out with baby making? You’re right, it’s so hard, we’re guilty sometimes if we dtd 4-5 times around fw, it can be after af before it happens again - which I don’t like xx

@HJen22 sorry think we crossposted! My trip home was lovely thanks, has just confirmed that I want to move back really to be near family. Just need that baby first now I'm in the system in England! So kinda stuck for the mo. My call is 22nd of this month eeek 🤞

You're doing so well and I love your motivation. Especially with the gym too! How are your energy levels with the diet? Of all the things to cut out I think gluten would be the hardest, bread is just so comforting haha. My BMI is fine but saw a photo of myself this morning (taken yesterday) and was like omg I need to lose weight lol. Have to weigh myself before the call too and dreading it.

Did you also say they were sending you for blood tests? I'm glad your OH is encouraging you, makes a huge difference doesn't it? It is tricky though when you have to make 2 different meals, I'm veggie and he's not so kinda used to it but it's still a pain!

When is your next appt and counselling call? Xx

@Amy259 @suzy124 thanks for the welcome ladies, feel like I am in good company ❤️❤️.

@HJen22 given some of the horror HyCosy stories online, your experience is giving me some comfort! I can deal with a little pain/discomfort, I’ve read some stories of people fainting! I think I am building it up in my head, I hope I get my appointment soon.

4-6 months will fly in, that’s much quicker than I expected! So good to hear you have been offered counselling too, I have considered seeking counselling privately but it’s so expensive! I understand you keeping it from your friends, for me, it’s nice to have a couple of friends at arms length. It gives me a safe space to pop round for a cuppa and take my mind off TTC talk! I have a friend who is TTC 1 year and she seems completely unphased, it makes me feel even more isolated in a way. I am all consumed by TTC thoughts and when I try to relate to her, she’s so unbothered! It makes me feel like I am the only person descending into TTC madness😂.

I took 2 months off of tracking recently, hoping the ‘just relax’ advice would work. It did wonders for my mental health and managed to get through (most) of the month without any tears but alas, still no BFP.. now I am back to tracking and stressing myself out😭.

I hope this isn’t too personal (!!) how do you ladies find keeping the spark in DTD? My partner and I only DTD in the fertile window now, and even that is a struggle! We are both rarely in the mood and it’s gotten to the stage that we only DTD because we ‘have’ to. I have read posts of people saying they DTD every night, even every other night in the fertile window is too much for me!! I am alone in this 😭 xx

Am I alone in this xx

@User1400 swooping in here with a great big no! You are most definitely not alone!

Other than a baby, the part I can’t wait for most is to regain our normal sex life - I’m worried it’ll be scarred for life!! DH is definitely more affected than me, I think it must be so hard for them not to sometimes feel like we only want them for a baby and not because we want to have sex with our partners? In the early months, even when I’d tell him it was the total wrong time of month for baby making, he still felt a bit like that.

We are the same, often we end up only dtd from around CD10/11 to CD18. At the start we struggled because DH got performance issues but now we’ve found a fool-proof method, and we both commit to every other day, no negotiating. I spent a fair few months in tears because I’d done all the tracking, planning etc then we didn’t or weren’t able to dtd, or I’d spend all day anxious he’d get home too tired or not vibing, so now it’s every other day for that week or so, no backsies 😂 means we always get a good go at it and I don’t spend my days worrying we’re not doing it enough.

Out with fw, we’ll probably have sex once at the weekend if at all, but rarely through the week. I think DH would be like that anyway though, he started a new job about 18 months ago and it really knackers him, then he gets home late and eats dinner etc so is always either too tired or too full to think about sex. Which is a shame because before all this we had a great (and frequent) time!

If we have an event like a holiday, weekend away, anniversary etc, we’ll have fun, long, normal times (tmi? 😂) but I think that’s also normal in a long term relationship too. Extra fun on special occasions!!

It’s not romantic during fw though, not at all. Maybe the first day that month, but by the 3rd it can definitely be hard to get going sometimes, if I’m honest! So I’m absolutely zero help at keeping the ttc spark alive, but I will say you’re not alone 😂

@Amy259 very nice! I'm sure the beaches are stunning 😍 and such a lovely treat after being locked up at home! We actually had a weekend planned to jersey last year but then covid had just hit. Hopefully will go someday!

Oh dear! I'm the same I wouldn't let a joke get in the way of making a baby either, but men just don't seem to understand the urgency and timing of these things! Glad it all worked out in the end though, and sounds like maybe for the better. My OH can't even talk about his issue, just gets annoyed like I'm attacking his manhood but obvs I'm thinking it's the reason we haven't conceived yet..

@User1400 Afraid I have no advice in that area 😂 we barely dtd now and we're ttc via self-insemination due to OH's psychosexual issue. For me it's not ideal, but I was on another thread about SI where a lot of people did it to take the pressure off dtd. Even though they didn't need to. Obvs I'd rather be having sex but depends how you feel about it really

Xx

@Amy259 that sounds SO lovely! Glad you had a great time, and great weather!! It's just so nice to get away isn't it!

To be honest nope, after I had the bad news I just really wasn't in the mood or feeling very good in myself, we DTD once after I had stopped spotting and I cried hahahaha so that probably scared by OH off and I think I just needed the break.

@suzy124 I am so glad you had a nice trip! Will you be back over again at Christmas or before then? Ah that's not long to wait for the call! That's the first step and I think you will feel a bit better when you have spoken to them and they will I'm sure refer you for an internal and hycosy!

Yeah so I had to do an at home blood test thing the other day (pricking my finger) and that's for a full lifestyle check like omega 3, thyroid, b12, vitamin D, folate etc and then I am waiting for another to arrive that is a hormonal one! It was way more expensive but given the news/worry I have about my eggs I want to try anything I can to give those I have a good chance!! I have my counselling on the 24th September and then I am still waiting for a date for my follow up appointment - assuming there is quite a wait for that too! So hopefully not too long!

My energy levels seem ok so far, I am trying to just eat plenty of healthy foods and good fats so I'm def not starving! And i am drinking lots of water and green tea! So lots of toilet trips haha!

@User1400 yeah 4-6 months in the grand scheme of things given how long we have been trying, isn't that long! Although I am really hoping covid doesn't mess anything up between now and then! Think appointments are only just getting back to normal!!

Oh no you def aren't alone with DTD and trying to keep the spark! It's a lot when the Drs tell you every 2nd day! We tend to try and do it as soon as AF goes, through FW and then we get knackered and it really does become you are just doing it because we have to! It's a real struggle! I've also tried 5 days in a row which didn't work! I have no idea how people do it every 2 days for the whole way up to AF!! That's why i like to track so i know more or less if ovulation has passed! Although i also know we can't be 100% sure!

xxx

@HJen22 I think just at Christmas at this point, might try to get back for a weekend in between but they're always over in a flash! Re the call I'm not sure, I had an internal in January and it was one of the requirements for this phonecall (along with bloods, SA etc). I'm also on a waitlist for laparoscopy which would check my tubes are open anyway, however if they offer a hycosy quicker I'll take it!

Oh I see. Do you send it off then or are the results instant? Sorry I have no idea haha. And I totally get it, you want to know you're doing everything you can and no regrets kinda thing. I'm so glad your counselling call is soon, I really hope it helps and it'll be great to talk to someone professional. Just get it all out with them!

Oh same with me, I drink up to 3L water a day along with ginger tea, green tea and mint tea. I pee all day long lol 😂

Xx

@suzy124 absolutely stunning - I already want to do back! We found this totally secluded beach yesterday, I’ll add photos, and I didn’t want to leave. Back to reality with a load of work emails today!

DH was like that too, very sensitive to it and it ended up in a few arguments back then. He’s so much better now though, we had good chats about it and since then he’s much better at navigating it all. I found it really unfair and hurtful that I would tiptoe around it and be the one all anxious about how we were going to try that month, while he was oblivious. When I managed to explain that he felt really bad and has been great since. Does your OH just shut down when you try to have an argument-free chat about it?

@HJen22 haha god love you, you definitely deserved a good break after the news though. And yeah, 4-6 months isn’t long at all in the grand scheme of ttc and moving forward!

Xxx

Definitely didn’t mean to include the photo of me - not sure you all needed my selfie, but there you go! 😂😂

@Amy259 We were similar earlier in our journey, I would spend so much time tracking and obsessing over getting the timing right, and then DH ‘wouldn’t be in the mood’, I’d be nothing short of distraught. He was so placid about passing up a potential fertile day and I felt like I would find a way to DTD if I was on fire and being chased by a swarm of bees!! After a fair few break downs and heart to hearts, we managed to get into the routine of every other night during fertile window, but it can be a total chore when we just want to go to sleep!

@suzy124 sorry to hear that, what are psychosexual issues, if you don’t mind me asking? That’s good that you have found a work around through SI, it’s amazing the options that are available to us these days.

@HJen22 god yes hopefully COVID doesn’t get in the way. I remember hearing about COVID pausing IVF treatments early last year, we were so early in our TTC journey I didn’t give it much thought, but since I have found myself in this position, I can’t imagine how devastating it must of been for those couples. Fortunately, it seems like we are getting to the back of COVID, so hopefully all goes off without a hitch for you!

Im really glad i’m not alone in this one girls! So many people say DH will be enjoying all the baby making, or just to slip on some sexy underwear and get going, and i’m like.. is this advice coming from a RomCom?!?

I totally hear you girls about ‘tip toeing’ around DH. Mines constantly reassures me that I can trust him and we’re in this together but I continuously find myself chasing him to chase appointments and being the one ‘driving the bus’ all things TTC related. Sounds like it’s just a male thing. A good few deep conversations has definitely brought us closer together, but he deffo needs periodical reminders.. Xx

@Amy259 Beaut! 😍 look at the colour of that sea too! I'm sure you were both glad to have a week of sun and fresh air 😂 Was it expensive to rent the cottage?

Yeah, doesn't matter how I approach it, just met with silence really. He's so convinced it will happen because it happens to others this way that I guess he sees no need to chase it up. I've been like to him 'at what point are you gonna think hmm maybe there's something wrong here'. It's incredibly frustrating. Glad you guys have been able to work it out though and found a solution, hope we can follow suit but I'm not hopeful! Xx

@User1400 so basically he can't ejaculate inside me and doctor thinks it's psychological. Not only does it affect ttc, but closeness as well. It's not much fun me just finishing and then that's it over and he's still standing to attention 😂... seriously tho it has affected our sex life massively

Oh god it's like you were in my head writing that last paragraph! My OH says the exact same stuff, but I'm constantly the one chasing him up and mentioning it at all! Drives me mad! Xx

@Amy259 wow that looks amazing! Love the photos!!!! I am so glad you had a lovely time! Happy to be back home with the fur babies?

@suzy124 yeah the bloods I just get to get my OH to jab my finger and then we had to drip the blood into little pots and send in the post. The urine one arrived today which has to be done later on in the cycle, its paper test strips i have to dip in pee, it sounds confusing as i have to take 4 samples over 2 days!

Of course sorry i forgot you had had the internal! They may offer another and a hycosy, or more bloods!

My OH has been the same in the past, thought I was being to OTT with tracking, didn't understand why I would get upset if we didn't DTD, it sometimes put too much pressure on him, which then led to him being upset! We had many arguments!! Such a hard time! And I also had the "it will happen" from him, he has a daughter from a previous relationship so I was very "well you are clearly fine, its all my fault" sort of thing too! And the fact she wasn't planned! He thought i was looking too much into the year mark as well!

The IVF book I read was really good at explaining how the want and need for a child can be a lot stronger in the female. We feel it was what we were put on earth for, and as much as men want to be fathers, I don't think they can ever fully understand how we women feel about it. And the fact that its our bodies. But at the same time, we cant fully understand the pressure they feel too. I think all we can do is be as open and honest with each other as possible, there will be tears and fights and misunderstandings, but it will all be worth it in the end :)

@User1400 I hate when there are implications the men will of course be loving all the trying! Even books I’ve read say it, but I think even out with this my sex drive would be higher. There’s definitely a lack of support surrounding when it comes to men not always being mindless robots!

@suzy124 my DH is the exact same too - even though he’s better now, it’s still me almost every day asking if he’s taken his supplements and the answer is almost always “not yet”! Blows my mind because I wish I could forget any of it sometimes 😂xxx

Hello ladies!,

Hope you don’t mind me joining in - was in a previous chat with some in this thread and they sent me the link. Thank you @Amy259

Hope everyone’s doing ok ❤️

Ahhh welcome @AZ1992X so glad you found us! ♥️

@suzy124 Aw no hun, that must be really difficult for you both. Has that always been the case or only since TTC? Can imagine the strain that puts on closeness/intimacy. At least you have found a bit of a work around. Men are strange creatures when it comes to seeking advice aren’t they, it’s our first port of call and their absolute last resort!

@HJen22 it’s difficult trying to find the right balance isn’t it, they think we are doing too much and we think they aren’t doing enough! Sometimes I feel like my OH is being purposely obtuse but I need to remember it’s a lot of pressure for him too.

@Amy259 I’m the same! Even before all of this I was more of the ‘sex robot’ 😆. I can imagine that stereotype only adds more pressure on them perform.

Hi @AZ1992X ! I’m new to the thread. What’s your story?
—
I am biting the bullet and meeting my best friend for dinner. I am actually scared I have a full blown melt down. Any tips?! Xx

@Amy259 ☺️, is your fw finished now? Just trying to remember where you was. I’ve actually resisted testing this cycle - AF due tomorrow/Friday.

@User1400 , Hey! I started TTC #1 just over a year ago - last August. I did managed to get a bfp in April but sadly MC a few weeks after. Been having bloods etc to check everything is fine but they won’t refer me until next year now as it has to be a full year since my positive which is annoying.

I’ve just managed to read your post - hopefully you won’t have too long to wait until your scan. Has your GP been good and talked about next steps?

RE your friend I can relate to that as it happened to me and they wasn’t trying either! I’ve just had the baby shower recently which was quite hard. I’m really pleased but equally it really gets to you and makes you want it even more.
Do they know you’ve been ttc? , maybe have some ideas of things to talk about so you can swiftly move the conversation on if you feel it getting to you?

@AZ1992X well done! I don’t think I’m capable of that… have you had the urge and just managed to stay strong, or have you not felt like testing? Any instinct as to which way it might go..?

Yeah I’m 2dpo today I think and if that’s right we only dtd once that’ll count, on peak day (or the day before, I might only be 1dpo), the other time in fw was 3 days before so won’t have done much. But hey ho, they say it only takes once I suppose! So we’ll see. Was hard to track using just cm this cycle, couldn’t temp and didn’t take OPKs on holiday, and my body did some weird things cm wise etc, so I’m not entirely sure where I am but certain I’ve ovulated now 😂

@User1400 I can’t remember if you said she knew you were ttc? If she did, she’ll maybe be feeling quite nervous too - I’m sure she understands it’ll be hard for you. So hopefully just a little bit of honest chat and you’ll be fine!

@Amy259 For my own sanity I had to give up buying my OH the supplements, it was causing so many arguments. So now he takes nothing 🙄 Just have to live with it I guess

@HJen22 Interesting! Do you know when you get the results? Is there a follow-up booked with the nutritionist? Ugh tell me about it! You're lucky your OH has come on a lot in supporting you recently, we're still at loggerheads most of the time. He just doesn't want to talk about it at all! What was the name of the book do you remember?

@User1400 yeah it sucks so much. I mean everyone I've found online who's done it our way has ended up pregnant, it's just not working for us 🤷‍♀️ it does definitely take the pressure off though as we don't even have to be on speaking terms 😂

@AZ1992X welcome! I'm really sorry to hear about your MC, must be so heartbreaking ❤️ and that's awful that it resets the clock with the nhs. Are you based in Scotland too? Feel like I'm the only one on here who's not haha!

XX

Also meant to say @User1400 yes it's always been like that, so he can't even blame the pressure of ttc! X