Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@suzy124 aw fab I'm sure it looks lovely! And a pampering session is always nice!

I called the nurse and she said to contact the email address and they'd help and they came back so quickly I was surprised! So that was good! I'm happy now I know where things stand and what I'm waiting for, the unknown was worrying me a little more and it was my OH who said to call. Still don't know my blood results but maybe they will be on the letter. Nutritionist app is next Friday over zoom! It was lovely the girls got me it and even if I can just take parts of what they say, I'm sure it will be common sense some of it like clean eating etc.

I'm sorry your sister has been not so supportive lately, that must be hard. Have you just not mentioned it to her much now? People really struggle knowing what to say I think, but it's also so hard for us to speak openly about it. That's what's good about this chat, everyone struggles and knows how it feels so can relate much easier xxx

Hi ladies, sorry just catching up!

@HJen22 I’m glad you’re feeling better now you know what’s going on. The waiting is the worst bit of all of this for me, I’m just so impatient. I had my
Hycosy today - holy shit. I’m so sorry to anyone who is reading this who may get one, but there is a reason, stick with me! My left tube, totally fine. My right tube, the fluid goes through from uterus fine but then pools at the ovary before it releases, which suggests the tube is a bit dilated - can’t say if it has any effect but she doubts it, says loads of woman have it and are none the wiser, some women only have one working tube and wouldn’t ever know either. Doesn’t decrease my fertility but it meant she had to push loads more dye in to see it finally spill over - good LORD. Like holy shit. Thought I was going to be sick.

Do you know what test they did to tell you your egg reserve is low? I asked her and she said AMH was the only way to get an idea, a scan can’t tell me that, and that I had 3 follicles on one ovary and 5 on the other (normal) that she could see but that tells her absolutely nothing about egg numbers? Which really confused me based on what I thought your consultant had said to you? I must’ve just picked it up wrong!

@suzy124 I love getting my hair done, such a chill out experience. How are you feeling in general now? Af almost gone-ish?

In other news, we’re supposed to be going on our delayed honeymoon tomorrow but DH has been pinged as a close contact so he’s now isolating! Doesn’t matter than his tests are negative because it hasn’t been 2 weeks since his last jag, so he’s not allowed to travel. Our lovely 10 days in the Outer Hebrides is now postponed for the 3rd time! Lots of tears as you can imagine!

@Amy259 oh I'm so sorry I forgot to wish you well at your HyCosy! So glad all is well and that the dilation shouldn't cause you any issues, but ouch that sounds sore! Mine was pretty bloody painful too, I was doing a lot of ouch ouch oooh and deep breathing!

Oh really? The more you speak to others and read it seems everyone does things differently doesn't it. So the internal scan that I had was where she counted the follicles I'm pretty sure. And then I guess the AMH bloods to give a clearer picture, not sure when I'm going to get those results. But it's worried me if it could be worse than the scan said. She also didn't tell me a split just that it was 6 I had. I do think some hospitals are different in what they class as low bur who knows. It's all such a minefield. I'm glad to hear yours all normal though! What was the outcome, to continue trying?

Oh I'm so sorry. How bloody crap is that. Stupid close contact and so rubbish that even though he's tested negative you can't go. Really sorry you've had to postpone for the 3rd time, I'm not surprised there has been years. Really hope you get away soon! Get yourself a nice takeaway and movie and wine if you like a wee drink xxx

@HJen22 don’t be silly, there’s so much going on with everyone I can never keep up 😂 just know I always wish you all well for everything 😂

Don’t worry about it being worse, I’m sure it won’t be! It’s just so confusing that my woman today said you can’t tell from a scan (I had a normal routine internal scan, then the hycosy scan, then another normal one) yet you’ve been told such final news from a scan?! Like they can’t both be right, surely?

Yeah she said just to keep trying until the 2 year mark. Which is fine, because hopefully the NHS will be at that point for funded ivf if we need it. Although I promise you now they’re never doing another hycosy!! 😂😂

It’s so crap, I’ve cried so much but we’ve managed to rearrange it for 3 weeks time so there’s a silver lining. It’s so nice weather wise just now though, if one more person tells me how great the weather would’ve been for us I’ll snap! I stopped drinking altogether in March to trying and help ttc but I can hear the Pinot Grigio calling me…. xxx

@HJen22 Did they mention the bloods results at all today? Try not to add extra worry by thinking it will be worse, I know that's really hard. Just keep distracting yourself and don't let your mind go there. Aww that's so nice of them, let us know how the appt goes! I hope it's helpful even if only a little.

I have been wanting to have a moan to my sister about ttc, I mentioned that I got my period and was feeling low and she didn't really say anything. I guess she's getting a bit sick of it too 😕 I know there's really nothing anyone can say, but still. I'm glad we have this chat to get support and understanding!

@Amy259 yeah AF finishing today, not feeling just as down in the dumps but still low. Was thinking about taking a break this month and now I'm not even sure our timings will match up anyway so can probably already say I'm out! How are you doing, is AF still around?

Aw I'm so sorry your holiday has been postponed, it's awful when you're relying on something like that to cheer you up too! But it's good you can go again in a few weeks. Outer Hebrides sounds lush! I'd love to visit. Also here's hoping your OH will be ok!

Also ouch! That sounds horrific, is it still painful now? On the major plus side all looked ok?

Xx

@suzy124 sorry if I’ve totally forgotten - but by timings not matching up do you mean you don’t get to see each other sometimes? I’m feeling quite fed up too - scared to be hopeful because people say after a hycosy sometimes you have a higher chance due to the clear out, but then it always hurts more if you have hope.

I think today would’ve been my last day of AF but I’m bleeding a little heavier than I would expect now because of the hycosy so I imagine it’ll have that for a day or so. Yeah still a bit crampy just now but nothing wild.

It was our honeymoon from last year and it’s our 1 year anniversary on Saturday - isolating in separate rooms! Ever feel like you must’ve done something wrong in a previous life? 😂 I’m just being a moan xx

@Amy259 nah it's not normal for us, just this month it might not work out with a work trip he's taking. Oh really? I didn't know it could increase chances, sign me up haha. I've actually heard people say being hopeful isn't any more devastating (and I get what they mean because you always secretly hope) but I've found these past couple of months really hard because I was so optimistic just before AF.

That's good, hopefully the cramps don't last too long and you can get a good nights rest!

Aw that's such a kick in the balls! Still at least you have it to look forward to. And yes I have that thought frequently lol Xx

@Amy259 yeah that's the exact same as I had, scan, HyCosy and then scan again I guess to see what was going on with the fluid. I know, no idea how we can both have been told such differing things from the same procedure?! Maybe the letter I get following on will explain more! I hope so! Another thing different was I wasn't able to go during AF, it had to be after. And I wasn't allowed to DTD in the run up.

@suzy124 no, I did mention it to the nurse who didn't say anything and also on my emails but again nothing was really said. So not really sure what's going on with those! Maybe it's just something they need for later on.

I have been spotting a little since my HyCosy but seems to have stopped now I think.

Aww that's such a shame isolating for your anniversary 😞 I know what you mean; when you just feel like everything is going wrong. Moans always welcome in this chat 💞 I hope your OH is ok and coping ok with the isolation. And when you do get to your honeymoon in 3 weeks time it will be amazing and well worth the wait!

Xxx

@suzy124 oh that’s so annoying! If DH tests positive we might not manage either, because we’ll probably stay apart (if I’m negative!). Yeah I want to be hopeful because I find having no hope so much harder to get through! But it is so hard when af arrives and you had hope 💔

@HJen22 that’s so weird! No one even mentioned af or dtd to me, just said day 3-10. When she first started the scan she asked if I was still bleeding because sometimes it can show tissue in your uterus if you’re still shedding the lining, and that would be normal during af but not at other times. So maybe that’s why they said only after af to you? Mine was fine though, nice smooth uterus apparently 😂

But yeah I would ask specifically how she knew about the low egg production.. I’m so confused now because she was so adamant it was impossible to know from any scan.. and I wanted to know haha.

It's hard when you've so much hope and it doesn't happen but keep trying and hopefully it will soon 💞

@Amy259 that is weird, I was specifically told no DTD as they don't want there to be any chance you're pregnant, I had to give a urine sample as soon as I arrived for them to check. And also it had to be arranged for when I definitely didn't have my period, which was why it was hard to book cos I was like how can I know for sure with cycles that vary in length! I'll hopefully know more with any letter I receive in the coming weeks 🤞🏻

@HJen22 they asked me if I could be pregnant and when I’m due to ovulate - so I guess being on af, day 4 and ov on day 16 they knew I couldn’t be? So weird. And yeah definitely no mention of not being allowed to be on af.

The inconsistency is so stressful. I don’t think there’s any more that’ll be done for us now until the 2 year mark, but I’ll wait and see how my NHS call goes next month I guess.

@Amy259 I know, I don't get how a procedure wouldn't be the exact same rules to it?! I will let you know what my letter says re egg count and follicles and whenever I hear back about my AMH results.

Yeah you at least have your NHS call coming up too, will they accept your private scan and HyCosy results or ask to do again? I know you're not keen on HyCosy again, and no wonder, neither would I be!

My sister has a friend who went through ivf who she was very kindly offered for me to meet and chat with. Not sure I'm quite ready for that yet, Its not the easiest of things to talk about but I will soon. My sister is very much a "tough love" ha so doesn't see why I don't want to yet. But it's a lot to get my head around! Xx

@Amy259 I meant to say as well, they definitely were looking at ovarian reserve on my scan as on my letter pre-appointment and post first call, it said it couldn't be ruled out and that was due to my high FSH.

That's maybe because my FSH had come back high from bloods xxx

@HJen22 so weird, my lady must’ve been mistaken. Glasgow gynae have said to both me and my GP that I don’t need day 2/3 bloods, so my FSH hasn’t been checked (this is another thing I may do privately if the consultant on the calls confirms they won’t do them). Only my thyroid and progesterone have been done.

They should hopefully accept the hycosy because I honestly don’t think I can do it again. I’m still getting waves of cramps from it!

Aww that’s so kind of her, but I totally get why I would be a bit soon, still so raw. The podcasts I’ve listened to have been quite ivf focused (and successful!) which has kind of help shift my head from being quite set on trying naturally to being more open if someone eventually suggests it. I’m sure in another 6 months I’ll be banging the door down for ivf 😂 but I get that you’re maybe still grieving things like the surprise element for OH, family etc, and worrying about what your body might go through? I definitely would be, but soon I’m sure you’ll focus more on the amazing end result. And good to know someone is there for a chat when you feel ready ♥️

@Amy259 I'm the other way round, I've not had my day 21 bloods done or my thyroid as far as I'm aware! I had bloods done a while back to check for PCOS (because my sister was diagnosed with that) but they all came back ok as far as I was told. Why don't they all do it the same. Very bizarre isn't it! I was going to ask them to do day21 but then didn't think there was much point after the IVF referral?!

Yeah I was a bit crampy afterwards too, I hope it passes for you really soon! Plenty rest! How is your OH getting on?

Ooh what podcast have you been listening to? I'm listening to one called I've IVF this that's good.

Yeah she really means well but I don't want pushed into it yet. I've barley had a chance to speak to my BF about it and he's not yet told his parents which he's going to do when his daughter goes home. So in the nicest possible way I don't want to speak face to face to a stranger about it yet before they know.

I know, I was having doubts about how I felt about it, I even started asking my BF what he thought about it ethically, it was so much to go through physically and mentally etc and what if it didn't work. It's just a very scary thought and not something you think you're going to have to go through, even when you think the worst when TTC. Xxx

@HJen22 hmm yeah I think they give you progesterone supplements during ivf so maybe it doesn’t matter if you have enough naturally? I’m not sure. Obviously it confirms ovulation so I think my gp did it just to make sure that was definitely happening. What was your FSH?

DH has a sore head this morning 🙈 so his pcr may be positive - we’ll see! Still staying up in one of the bedrooms and I’m just leaving food etc at the door, so hard already.

It’s called BFN, two journalist friends from London going through infertility - it’s funny and so relatable. Would recommend going back to the start, they have both had successful ivfs now but at the start you hear them go through it all and one learn she needs ivf.

Yeah too much too soon. It really is a lot to process and it is scary. But yeah that podcast really breaks it down and is honest about scary bits but obviously they both now have babies so there are happy endings xxx

@Amy259 yeah I'd have liked it to have confirmed ovulation but they didn't offer and I didn't want to ask haha. My FSH was 10.6 I think it was, or maybe 10.3, over 10 anyway! I didn't actually find this out from the GP. They said everything fine, it was only on my call with the Dr at the clinic she mentioned it and then it had the figure on the letter following my first call.

Oh yeah I've seen people talking about that one too! I'll need to have a listen. I also have Izzy Judd's downloaded, I read her book which was really good.

Oh no your poor DH. I really hope it comes back negative! I can imagine that's so hard 😞 I'd hate it; I'm not all that good in my own company!

Yeah just way too much to think about just now and sometimes the more you read the scarier it is, and everyone is different so it's hard to know what to expect until I know the exact plan tailored for us.

We have paddleboarding and a meal out tonight so that will be good to take my mind off things and I've woken up feeling a little more positive so that's good! How are you feeling? Xx

@HJen22 it’s mad they don’t tell you the numbers isn’t it? Same with every test we’ve had, I’ve had to specifically ask to be sent/told the results.

I’m rubbish on my own too, I hate it! Isolation day 0 is the day of contact apparently, so it’s 10 days after that (so 11 days really, they don’t tell you that!!) meaning today would be day 2 if he’s positive.

Paddle boarding and dinner sounds brilliant! A great pick-me-up. I’m okay thanks, it’s my dads 73rd birthday today so I’m a bit gutted we can’t see him, and we should’ve been getting on our first ferry tonight for the holiday, so tbh I’m looking forward to it being tomorrow 😂 out with the dogs just now, we live in the country so never see anyone so at least if he’s positive I’ll still be walking the girls instead of being locked in 24/7!

@Amy259 so mad! I think they do it to stop us googling 😂 but as soon as the Dr told me it was slightly high I started anyway!

Ugh that's so rubbish, an extra day added on! Have you had your second vaccine? Does your OH just need to keep testing or it has to be 10 days either way?

Aw that's sad you can't see your Dad on his special day, I'm sorry 😞 and the fact that you should have been on a ferry. What a rubbish day for you, but you'll get away and it will be amazing when the time comes ❤️

Great you have the dogs for walks and company, what kind do you have? We got a German Shepherd puppy in March and she really has been a wee saviour in making things that little bit easier, having her to look after and cuddle. Albeit she still loves a chew on my hands and feet 😂😂😂

Morning ladies. Woke up from another 'being pregnant' dream, needless to say it felt very real and hurting a lot today.

Just popping on to say I hope you have a fab evening paddleboarding @HJen22 I'm hoping to try it this weekend. Let us know how it goes! And @Amy259 I hope you guys continue to test negative and stay safe xx

@HJen22 yeah we’ve both had our 2nd jag but only last week, so if he tests positive we both have to isolate for 10 days.

We have two female golden retrievers, one is 7 and the other is 2. Absolute chalk and cheese! The golden one is the older one, she’s my sidekick - absolute shadow, steady as a rock, never need a lead etc, just a solid, reliable dog. My “take anywhere” dog - she’s a therapet and a puppy trainer. The younger one is a forever puppy 😂 still wouldn’t stray and is a great dog etc, but bounds around the place like she’s 6 months old! She’s brought a lot of laughter into the house xxx

@suzy124 aww that’s the worst! I’m so sorry you’re feeling like that, pregnancy dreams completely ruin my day. Sending you lots of love xxx

@HJen22

Thank you @Amy259 glad I'm not alone in feeling that I lose an entire day over them. What gorgeous dogs! And such a lovely photo 🥰 xx

@suzy124 oh 100%! Sometimes they’re so so real then I wake up and it just drives home everything I’m missing. Once I dreamt about telling my parents and I woke up in tears, because I know how much they want it too. So hard!

Thank you, I’m extremely biased but they are good pups 🥰 xx

@suzy124 oh I'm so sorry, they are the worst and also ruin my day! So you definitely aren't the only one! Sometimes when I'm really down I feel like the only time to not be sad or thinking about it is when i'm asleep, then our dreams go and play cruel tricks on us 😔 Are you still visiting back home? Sadly our paddleboarding has been cancelled, the conditions aren't good enough today! And we don't have time to reschedule as my BF takes SD home Saturday! So we'll need to think of something else fun to do! I hope you enjoy it and you can let me know how it is 😊

@Amy259 awww they ate absolutely adorable! Love them! Gorgeous girls! And they sound like such fun wee characters! I can relate to the puppy haha our one is still mad as a hatter but getting good off the lead and a bit less jumpy on people haha when my nephew runs she chases him thinking it's a game and then ends up knocking him over 😂 bless how do you tell a 3 year old not to run or be scared when she's a big puppy! They really bring lots of love and fun into a home though don't they 🥰 best thing we decided! We have a 7 year old indoor cat too who deals well with her to be fair, my hopes for them to sit and cuddle hadn't quite happened yet but I think it will when the pup calms down 🤞🏻