Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@fingerscrossed91 thank you so much 🥰 lovely to hear from you, how are you keeping? Good I hope xxx

@suzy124 yeah I think it's normal, I did a quick google haha shock and think it's fine. Cramps are gone now though so that's good.

I find it crazy how everywhere is different. Like if I were in England I'm not sure I'd get funding as my BF has a daughter. I really hope it's a helpful call and that they can offer some assistance. Is it ICIS they sometimes offer if there is a male factor? Sorry that felt awful writing that, wasn't sure how to word that.

Haha same, I don't want to fall in either 😂 hopefully it will be fun either way! I'm on the edge just now, the dog came and sat and cuddled with her head on my shoulder and I started crying and couldn't stop! Ridiculous 🙈 xxx

Hi ladies, just catching up.

@suzy124 sorry to hear af came and that you’re feeling rubbishy 💔 I’m CD2 now too, and definitely joining you in the comfort eating.

@HJen22 I’m so sorry, that must’ve been such a shitty and shocking piece of news for you. I guess there’s a silver lining in getting help a bit quicker, but I’d guess that it’s still rotten to know you need the help too. Sending you lots of love and strength! What happens next, do you just wait for them to contact you about ivf?

I’ve booked a private hycosy for Wednesday, the clinic called me with a cancellation slot and needed a decision by the end of the day, so I booked in - but for some reason I feel a bit weird about it? Like I’m cheating on the nhs? Who knows what that’s about… my GP really encouraged it so that helped, and then after I’d booked it I got my referral letter in for my first NHS phone call 🙈 so that’s 29th Sept.

@Amy259 sorry to hear AF turned up for you 😔 I hope you are taking care of yourself and eating all the chocolate you need!

Thank you ❤️ it was a shock. I mean I knew it could be an outcome but until they point I'd been hoping it wouldn't be that. I think so, I had bloods done so I'll maybe call start of next week to ask about them and when I should expect a follow up, as I really do want one. Oh and ask about the free counselling they offer.

That's great you've got it booked in and don't feel bad about it! If I'd had the option locally to pay for it to have it done quicker I would have! I asked my clinic and they didn't offer it privately I just had to wait in the queue. Which turned out to be 3 months but I know you've been told way longer so it's for sure worth it I'd say! Xxx

@HJen22 the letter about the phone consult was a shock because they’d told me to expect a 12 month wait.. so that made me query my decision to go privately. DH was very reassuring though, he was like the phone call is very end Sept, so if you then have 3-4 months for a scan that’s January at least.. which does feel so far away. So I’m just going to go for it, and tell the consultant and maybe it’ll skip them having to do it. Which would also free up a space for someone else I guess.

I hadn’t really considered low egg reserve much before.. on my list of worries haha. I’ll need to ask about it at the hycosy. No one mentioned it at my other scan, but they also didn’t count follicles to my knowledge.

Yeah good plan, free counselling is a great service too. I think I’d definitely do that if nothing happens soon… xxx

@Amy259 oh of course, even the call has come quicker than expected! Maybe whoever told you the wait time got muddled, I did think that was a long time! But yeah, as your DH says, it could be 3/4 months or longer so if you can go private it's a good idea, mentally I'd been preparing for months for mine and it wasn't a fun wait.

I had an internal scan and HyCosy, I wonder if they could do a scan first too? Or maybe as they said no abnormalities it all looked fine? Did she say specifically they weren't looking at follicles? Xxx

@HJen22 nah she didn’t say that, she was amazing so I feel like she would’ve mentioned it.. she did point out all the follicles, and showed me the “activity” on my right side, along with the black circle that was apparently the follicle that released the egg last month. So maybe it looked normal so she didn’t bother putting a number on it.

I’m just so fed up of not having a reason. I was moaning to Loops about this on another thread - my cycle is like clockwork, I confirm ovulation, I have “normal” length cycles, bloods are fine, DH’s SA is fine, we’re young, healthy, never smoked, never been over/underweight, gave up booze altogether in March, eat healthy… what more does this non-existent baby want from us?! 😂

How was the hycosy pain..? Was it awful..? 🙈

@Amy259 she sounds great! Yeah sounds like she was looking at them then, and that's great she was able to point out the one that released the egg. I didn't actually ask about that, maybe I'll ask at my follow up! You could perhaps call and ask? Did they give you any results paperwork?

Ugh I know the feeling sadly, it sucks! I did everything I could think of too! I am hoping there is still a chance of us managing naturally but I really know what you mean; the unknown is so hard! especially when you try everything to make it work!

It wasn't awful, I was more worried about the results than the actual procedure in the run up. I don't really suffer from bad period cramps and that's what I think it's like, it didn't take too long though thankfully and I managed the whole way through. My poor BF could hear me oohing and ahing but honestly I'm terrible with any sort of pain so I am sure you'll be totally fine! Xx

@HJen22 yeah she gave me scan pictures and a print out of her findings - which basically just says everything was normal.

Yeah, DH and I are keen to continue trying naturally but if they found something wrong I think I’d be keen to press on. How are you feeling about knowing it’ll likely be ivf?

I’ll just need to put my brave pants on for Wednesday! 😂🙈 xxx

@Amy259 aw that's good. I think my Dr had photos but I didn't see them or anything. I'm finding it a little hard to process to be honest, feeling a bit like a failure knowing it's because of me 😞 I'm trying to hold it together as we've got my BFs daughter staying with us, but it's hard and I'm a bit miserable. I've been listening to a podcast, started reading a book, going back to the gym tomorrow and I've got a call with a nutritionist my friends organised next Friday. So I'm just going to have to suck it up, do as much as I can to get healthy physically and mentally and in the meantime keep trying cos I know it does happen to some. But right now I'm not feeling overly positive so I'm hoping it comes.

I am sure it will all go well, is your DH able to go with you for results after? Xxx

@HJen22 aww no, you’re so not a failure - there’s absolutely nothing you could’ve done to influence that, it’s unfortunately shitty luck. Plus look at everything you’re putting yourself through to get this baby, you’re already an amazing mother and you’re not even pregnant yet! I listen to the podcast “BFN” and really enjoy it, and in one episode they were chatting about how there’s nothing more motherly than doing everything in your power to safely conceive, carry then raise a baby. I’m not very wishy washy but there was something lovely about the notion that we start motherhood when we decide to do absolutely anything for our not-yet-even-conceived child - like, how lucky are our kids already to have parents going through this hell to just get them here?! ♥️

Sadly he’ll be at work - it’s in the middle of the day. He also is the queasiest human alive so he’d be unconscious on the floor if he was there 🙃😂😂xxx

@Amy259 thank you for your kind words ❤️ I know there's nothing I could have done and it's just bad luck, just wish it wasn't the case. It's hard when you know it might happen but it's not really real until it's said out loud that it's the next step. Oh I've heard of that one too, I'll need to give it a listen and I've got the Izzy Judd one downloaded too. You are so right, that is lovely.

Haha my BF was worrying about having to come in, so much so he went and sat outside even the ward. I said to the nurse does he have to sit there and she was like no, he can sit in your wee separate cubicle 😂 so he was with me before I went in and straight after haha bless him, don't think he enjoyed hearing me being a drama queen though xx

@HJen22 yeah I think that's right, but seeing as we haven't actually spoken to anybody about the SA results I'm not sure that's actually the problem? I am worried tbh, just think it's so unfair how it varies as you say.

Awww! I get ya. I cry at the drop of a hat honestly. Just shows how much it means to us. Glad your cramps are gone and well done for getting it over with. I understand how you would feel like a failure but you are anything but! You are so strong for going through all this shit and you are so nearly there 🥰 It's so so painful but will be worth it a hundred times over

@Amy259 thank you, I'm sorry AF arrived for you too esp after no SI this month. But I'm happy to have a buddy so close in this month's cycle. Wishing you all the best with your hycosy this week, and looks like your first fertility call is just a week after mine! I'm gonna be making a huge list of things to say lol. I totally understand the frustration you're feeling too. The unfairness of it all just kills me and that's something I don't think men especially get. It's pure and simple biology at the end of the day, so why isn't it working! You mentioned a scan, was that private too or did your GP send you?

Xx

@HJen22 he’s honestly so funny, I’m so proud he made it through his Covid vaccines without fainting - progress 😂 at least he’ll provide me with comedy value when it comes to the giving birth part.. think he’ll need more medical attention than me!

@suzy124 it’s nice to have cycle buddy! Though I don’t ovulate until about day 16 so you’ll probably beat me to it haha. You’ll need to let me know how your call goes and what to ask!

It was just at a baby scan clinic (called ABC4D, they’ve got a few I think). The one near me offers fertility scans and I was pleasantly surprised to discover they’re done by gynaecologists (not sure who I thought it would be 😂) so it gave me a chance to ask questions too. It was £120 but so worth it. It doesn’t go to your GP or on your record though because it’s not regulated (I.e. they have to take your word for it that it was a gynaecologist), so if they find something wrong you’d just need to show your GP the scans/report and hope it helped a referral.

@Amy259 I was hoping for at least a zoom call or something but it is literally just a phone call. Oh I'm sure I'll be on here moaning afterwards! Just need to remember to be insistent. Is your OH joining you for the call? Do you mind me asking where you're based? I'm north hants

Ah I see. That's great it put your mind at ease. Did your fertility referral give a list of things you needed done before the call? A scan was on mine so just wondering if they'd be ok with the one you had? Xx

@suzy124 I’m in Scotland so my referral is to Glasgow Royal. That’s giving me issues in itself as we’ve moved so I should be under a different health board now and can’t decide whether to switch or not, but I’m just letting it play out 😂

No list on my referral, just a bit of paper that looks like it for my gp to fill out about my mmr vaccines but no instructions with it?! So I’ll just ask at my call if I’m supposed to hand that in..

@Amy259 sorry I think you did tell me before, it's hard to keep up with everyone sometimes! Yeah I'd see how you get on and then if they're crap you can always switch health boards! That's so weird, mine was like must have both bloods, scan, rubella, chlamydia and for him SA. Just wish everywhere was consistent! Xx

@suzy124 up here it’s a gynae referral first, with an infertility consultant, so it’s all about the woman first of all - which my (female) gp was going off about haha. So I have to go through this bit first, I imagine they’ll tell me on the call what I still need to do, but I do know they don’t want/need/do day 3 bloods which blows my mind!

@Amy259 yeah mine says with a gynae too but that it would be helpful for both of us to be on the call. That is mad, you'd think they at least want to check thyroid etc. Who knows! X

It's so strange how everywhere does it different, even in Scotland, I went from GP straight to fertility clinic and no gynae!

@suzy124 thank you ❤️ I had another cry last night, I've been going to bed early cos im just so tired and to be honest i can't think about it when I'm sleeping. My poor BF, I cried after we DTD this morning. I'm just so annoyed at my body, don't feel confident at all, but today is a new day and the sun is shining so I'm going to try and pull myself together! Oh yeah they didn't go over SA did they? I wonder as you have to inseminate that it would perhaps bump you up the queue. Do you know what the criteria for that is?

Our call started as a video call but the signal was going so ended up the Dr called my mobile and muted the video, so we could still see her but then heard on the phone! Also; wasn't the same Dr that did my HyCosy which for some reason I thought it would be!

I think anything your GP hasn't done, the clinic you are referred to will be able to do them. It's all very much a minefield isn't it! Xxx

@HJen22 I think for us the consultants are at the hospital but for any procedures we go to the private clinic who have the nhs contract. I asked a GP about it as was confused when the letter said someone at the hosp would be phoning!

Aw I'm sorry lovely. I hope your OH is being a big comfort and making you feel as good as you can. How are you feeling now?Today was beautiful wasn't it? I tried to enjoy it as much as I could too spending the day with my niece at the seaside. Could you even plan another mini weekend away soon, just something to look forward to - or spa day with the girls, acupuncture, massage etc?

Yeah that's what I'm hoping seeing as not dtd is a pretty big obstacle. I mean the method works, it's just not happening for me and I guess if we were dtd it wouldn't be happening either but who knows. In my mind it's an huge extra source of stress

Xx

@HJen22 hi - I'm also based in Aberdeen! Well just outside! This, however, is only my first month ttc but I can see it has not been an easy road for you! I'm so sorry! I love your notion of trying new things though to make yourself feel better! What has helped you the most?x

@suzy124 ah I see, ironically in Aberdeen the fertility clinic is in the maternity hospital! But up the stairs! Not exactly ideal!

I went to the gym in the evening with my friend and that took my mind off things, and yeah my OH is being so supportive. I chatted with him this morning about everything, my feelings of guilt, of perhaps pressurising him the last year and a half all for it to be an issue my end! He was lovely and of course said it wasnt my fault, and he did want to go ahead with IVF.

That sounds like a lovely day! How old is your niece? Glad you had a nice day :) yeah I would like to book a night away for my OHs birthday in September, just somewhere local and where we can take the pup! We had thought about a holiday but we've decided against that for now, seems complicated with all the testing and added cost! And I am going to look into acupuncture today too!

I totally understand, I can imagine that is an added stress. I really would expect them to offer help sooner due to that! On your call just emphasise how difficult, emotionally and physically it can be.

@RAP08 hello! We are outside too! Thank you so much for your kind words :) it hasn't been easy but i guess nothing ever is! I have tried so many things so far. I enjoy meditation and yoga but i tend to pick it up and drop it! I find walking helps me clear my head and the fresh air especially with working from home. I have had a few massages which are always nice when AF arrives. I had a few sessions of reflexology which i didn't over love but i know some do. I also had hypnotherapy, which was super expensive! I felt good after it, but it didn't last. I have just went back to the gym so i am hoping that helps. Basically i will try anything and everything to take my mind off TTC haha! Probably too much for some but i like to try new things. Next is acupuncture which i know a lot of people going through IVF have, if anything it should be relaxing! I wish you all the very best of luck xxx

@HJen22 same here, any gynae appointments I have are in the maternity unit so all the pregnant women walk by going to their scans while I'm waiting 🙁 Currently sat at the hairdresser with colour in and all I can hear is chat about babies and labour errrrgh

Your OH sounds fab! And he is right, none of this is your fault. It's just one of those shitty things in life and it's not fair but you'll get through it and come out the other side. And as you know it is still entirely possible for you to conceive naturally so don't give up! You have regular periods and I'm not saying the amh isn't the reason but you just never know, so don't beat yourself up lovely ❤️ Hope you can get your follow-up soon to discuss what you can do in the meantime. I wonder if they can even give you vitamins to help? I'm glad you had a good day yesterday - you're inspiring me to focus on getting fit as a distraction!

My niece is 8 going on 18 haha. She is a joy to be with. I know everyone says family is different but honestly it has been difficult at times being with them, especially seeing my OH interacting with them and wanting that so badly. That sounds awesome, I hope you can get somewhere nice sorted for birthday celebrations! And good luck in the acupuncture search!

Oh I definitely will be. I'm already psyching myself up to be firm and assertive on the call! I'm pretty sure my GP told them on the referral too so 🤞 xx

@suzy124 yeah it's not nice is it, I can see why they are in the same place but doesn't make it any easier! Oh it's everywhere when you don't want it to be! I hope you're having an otherwise relaxing pamper at the hairdressers!

Yeah bless him he's being lovely. I've spoken with the nurse today who was sweet it almost had me crying on the phone. I've organised a counselling call in a month and I've been told that I've been added to the follow up waiting list and should get a letter following on from last weeks appointment and referral. So at least now I know what's happening as I really wasn't very sure if they were waiting for me to call! Thank you ❤️ talking to you ladies who understand definitely helps! I take folic acid, vitamin D, evening primrose oil and coQ10. My Nutritionist app my friends organised might suggest some more but if it's just a money making scheme to spend in their shop I'll probably not!

Awww I really know what you mean. I love spending time with my nephews but sometimes it makes me sad as I want to give them a cousin. And same, it's so nice to see our OHs. I really hope both of our time comes soon 💞

Yeah exercise definitely helps, I'm going to go Sunday and as of next week when my stepdaughter is home I can get into a proper routine. My friend I go with knows about our struggle and is amazing so that helps!

I'm glad the GP has told them, firm and assertive is a good idea, I really think they'll will be helpful and understand. Xxx

@HJen22 I am thank you, haven't had my hair done for a year so hoping this cheers me up a bit!

Oh that's fab, I'm so glad they called and you have appointments getting sorted. It's awful when there's nothing in the diary and you don't know who's supposed to contact who! Oh of course, I just wondered if the specialists were able to recommend or prescribe something for this specially is all. When is the nutritionist appt?

That's great, I'm sure it helps having a friend who knows and can be sensitive and also a gym buddy! I'm still keeping it very hush hush so apart from my sister nobody knows. I think after telling her I got put off telling anyone else as she was supportive in the beginning but now not so much! Really hoping both our time comes soon too 🥰 xx