Will he ever want a baby?

[Genevive123]

I’m in a bit of a crap position at the moment, I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years now and we’ve had countless arguments about the fact I’m so desperate to be a mum and him not being ready. 6 months ago I said to him, look I need you to know I’m ready and I can’t wait forever

6 months later and I’m still terrified to bring up wanting a baby? Think it’s coming to the end of me being able to wait for him now :( anyone else been in this situation? i adore him but I just can’t wait forever it’s breaking my heart

How old are you? Did he say he would give you a decision within a specific time?
Do you think he doesn't want one at all?

You definitly need to talk to him about it again either way, you need to know as it's important and if he doesnt you need to have time to find a partner who does that you're happy with

@Screwcorona I’m 25 now and he’s 28, he didn’t say he’d give me an answer in a specific time but I keep waiting for him to say he’s ready and it just doesn’t happen.. it’s really upsetting

He says he wants children he loves children but I just don’t understand, if it’s that he just doesn’t want one with me then he needs to leave and let me move on, he knows how much I want to be a mum, he can see it’s hurting me!

Regardless of how old you are, he probably has more time left than you to have a baby. If you want a baby don't throw your fertility away waiting for one man.

@AldiIsla you’re right and although I’m only 25, for some people it can take years to get pregnant, I want to make sure I have enough time to have children 😢

You are still very young with potentially 15 good years of childbearing, but that isn’t the point. You want a baby and he won’t answer.

It’s a tough one as both of your choices are valid but I’d say, if you can’t decide either way by the end of this year, it’s time to move on

I think you need to make it very clear to him that you will leave if he doesnt want a child now/very soon.

It's possible that he doesnt realise that is what you mean. In my personal experience of men you have to say exactly what you mean

@LivingMyBestLife2020 you’re so right I agree with what you’ve said completely! The fact is it’s hurting me at the fact he can’t commit and have a baby. You’re right I need to put a time frame on it and if it doesn’t happen I need to go, no excuses. I can’t just wait forever as much as I love him, the way I feel about wanting a child is breaking my heart!

@Screwcorona we’ve had this conversation before and I’ve never left .. he keeps saying once we’ve had the argument that he was nearly ready and I pushed him back to the beginning again, it feels like emotional black mail in a way

If you want a child now your only choice is to leave and find someone else to have a child with. I don’t know many 25 year olds desperate for children.

Is your life lacking in other areas?

Maybe he doesn’t want them with you.
Do not waste your fertile years on a man that can’t make a decision.

@BumbleBiscuit absolutely not, when I was 22, I accidentally got pregnant and lost the baby at 12 weeks, ever since then I’ve wanted nothing more than a child. I’m very successful in my career and other aspects of my life!

@FippertyGibbett yes maybe you’re right, that’s what I’m getting from it .. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t just leave?

Your really young. I’d concentrate on your career and the other aspects of your life that are going well. To be this desperate for a child at 25 points to some delicate issues somewhere. I understand how painful a loss can be but wanting to conceive shouldn’t be taking over your life at this age.

I would leave him now and focus on yourself, your career and your finances whilst you explore other relationships.

@BumbleBiscuit sorry but I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you. I know many successful young women who have decided to have children young. Being a young mum is something I want. I think women know when they’re ready and when the time is right, for me that is now, for other women that may be when they’re in their 30s.

I have been in this exact same situation OP. With my ex boyfriend we were together for 5 years and he knew that having children was top of my agenda after we'd been together for a few years. Anytime I would bring up having a baby he would say that I was pressuring him. One day I spoke to him about children just in general, I didnt even want babies at that very moment in time I just wanted to know when he thought he'd be ready and what his feelings were on the situation, but he always said I don't know I don't know you're pushing me stop pressuring me I don't want to talk about it. He told me early on in the relationship he really wanted children so waiting a few years didn't bother me. But it got to the point, same as you where I would be scared to even bring the topic up because he'd escalate it into a massive row. It should never be like that you should be able to speak to your partner openly about what you want in your future, especially after being with him for 5 years. My advice is, sit down and talk to him, tell him how he is making you feel. If he acts like a big baby and kicks up a fuss and won't give you any answers THEN DROP HIM SO HARD TO THE KERB, YOU CAN DO BETTER! He is wasting your sweet time.

I know it's hard. I hope you get what you want hunni xxx

It's quite normal for a 28 year old man to not be ready for a baby. DH certainly wasn't. We had our first when I was 32 and he was 36.

[quote Genevive123]@FippertyGibbett yes maybe you’re right, that’s what I’m getting from it .. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t just leave?[/quote]
Because he’s happy with the situation except for your occasional nagging about a baby.
Do you cook, clean, sex etc ? If so he’s comfortable and will string you along as long as he can.
Or maybe he just doesn’t want kids yet. You are both still young.

Before baby make sure you have a commitment such as marriage. There is a thread on relationships where even after 3 children the man won't marry. Upshot the woman is extremely vulnerable.

25 is still young however the fact that you and him can't plan or talk about this properly suggests you don't have the right foundation. For that reason I think you should consider if he is the right man for you.

We now know adult brains continue to develop until late 20s so you have a few more years left to grow and change. Don't settle for this man, just because you have been together a long time.

Hey lovely
I've been in a similar situation for a few years myself, only recently started TTC so I understand how stressful and urgent it can feel! I think communication with your partner is the most important thing to help reduce your anxiety, it might be helpful to establish:

• does he envision himself with children in the future
• if he feels like he does but hes not ready yet, how will he know when hes ready? Has he thought about what it might look like or feel like?
• is there anything in particular that really puts him off or scares him (for example for my partner it was worries about finances and not owning our own home before having a baby etc)

And most importantly - does he know how strongly you feel about it and that it's at the point you would consider ending the relationship if he doesnt actually really want children?

It's difficult because I never wanted to pressure my partner into having kids before he was ready, because its such a massive thing! But for me in the few years we held off it really helped to have a vague timescale (eg. We will try in a few years once we're both earning a regular wage) and something to work towards!

Also it's been said before and I know it doesnt really help but please be reassured 25 is still super young and you have plenty of time!

Wishing you all the best 💖

Fuck him off op, you're wasting your time.

Just think you could find an awesome bloke in the next few years.

Also get married before you all pregnant!

@FirstTimeTryer93 that was really helpful thank you for taking the time to write that, I really appreciate it! Its nice to get advice from someone who has been in my shoes - I think we will definitely have to have a chat about it tonight and get to grips with where each other is at. I don’t want to wait for him to be ready for it to take 5 years more for that to happen when I could’ve been starting a new life! Waiting 5 years is definitely not something I’m willing to do xx thank you xxx

First off, having children is one of those things you have to be absolutely certain you are doing the right thing. Also, for various reasons regarding security and support you really should be married, unless you are independently wealthy or hold significant assets in your name. That's a big deal all round and you need your partner to share that vision and engage with you willingly. If, for whatever reason, he seems reluctant then I wouldn't start playing games or being creative about it. Be clear and honest with him. Tell him how you feel and your vision and view of the future for both of you. You can then make a decision form there.

@FippertyGibbett yep all those things so maybe you’re right maybe he’s just comfortable and for him life is easy, as I said it’s got to the point I’m scared to bring up a baby so haven’t even nagged him about that!!!