Will he ever want a baby?

[Genevive123]

I’m in a bit of a crap position at the moment, I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years now and we’ve had countless arguments about the fact I’m so desperate to be a mum and him not being ready. 6 months ago I said to him, look I need you to know I’m ready and I can’t wait forever

6 months later and I’m still terrified to bring up wanting a baby? Think it’s coming to the end of me being able to wait for him now :( anyone else been in this situation? i adore him but I just can’t wait forever it’s breaking my heart

If you think a man who isn't even talking about marriage after 5 years.. and never mentions kids has the commitment for the former let alone the latter - then you are very foolish.

And ANY woman who agrees to children before marriage - without huge independent wealth that can bridge the gap between loss of earnings, pension and career progression to cover maternity and child rearing - frankly needs their head examining.

@Trickyboy if we all waited till we where married or millionaires there would be a very low birth rate. My dog costs more than my children on a monthly basis.

@eloiseislost very wise words!! One of the many reasons I chose to have my children early 20s. I'm sorry to hear you had a miscarriage, I have experienced them too. Keep going, I'm sure you will get your rainbow baby soon xxx

@Genevive123 10-12 years ago I could have written this myself.
Stayed with someone for 5 years who wouldn’t commit to anything beyond renting a house together. I was diagnosed with early stage cervical cancer aged 25 and it made me really ask myself what was more important and could I live without children. I realised it was never going to change so I left.
A couple of months later I met my now husband and we ttc pretty early in as he knew I had complications that would make things difficult. She’s now almost 9, we’ve moved to a beautiful country and are ttc our second.

Ultimately only you know the answer in terms of if you think it will change but I think it sounds like you already know and are wanting confirmation. Your still young enough to move on and move forward.

Good luck 💗

If you have waited 5 years for him to get ready and are now afraid to even talk to him as he will say he was almost ready but you mentioning it made him go back to square one he is telling you loud and clear he doesn't want a baby with you. He is being unfair to you stringing you along whilst he has no intention of having s child with you. If you just wanted one child you could probably wait another year. If you think you might want 2 or even 3 children then you need to accept he is not the one for you and move on. It could take you.18 months-2 years to find a new partner. A year to 18 months to find out if you are compatible. That would take you to 28-29 yes. Then you would need to get pregnant, this takes longer as you get.older and fertility reduces. It might take you 6-12 months. Then the 9 months pregnancy. So you could be 30-31 by time you have first baby. If you wanted another, possibly give it 2 years because babies tire you out. Then might take up to a year to get pregnant again. So 33-34 then 9 months pregnancy. Baby 2 when you are 34-35. If you wanted a third child you would need to get right on with do day a year after second baby try for third. It could take longer as less fertile. Pregnant by 37, baby 3 by 38. Don't waste your gentile years on a person who won't make a commitment to you. Hope you get pregnant soon.

It's quite bizarre that your decision making doesn't seem to factor in whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him. The world isn't full of 28 year old men running about wanting kids, it's pretty normal for lots of people but especially men not to start thinking about children until they're 30. If you have found the man you love and want to be with then talk to him about it properly. If you're too scared to bring massive issues like this up then it sounds like you would be better leaving the relationship anyway.

@GreenSlide you really think I’d be wanting children with him if I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him? Of course I do.

I was it a similar situation a couple of years back. Was with my ex for 10 years. At various points of our relationship he lead me to believe he wanted children and then would back track on his work. I was nearing 30 and decided I wasn't prepared to wait any more, he was adamant he never wanted children so I left him.
I'm now 33. I've been with my now partner nearly 3 years and we are now trying for our first. I'm am much more happy. I regret I wasted 10 years of my life with my ex wishing he'd change his mind but then again I would never have met my partner now and be this happy.
You still have plenty of time. But ultimately if you want different things in life you have to work out what's more important to you

@Genevive123 I'm 28 and have been with my partner for 5 years. We're both successful(ish) in our jobs therefore have enjoyed a lot of holidays and have been able to develop our house so we've always had something going on - though getting engaged would be nice we're both not bothered about getting married... I think it's clear some people have different views on this! But for me, the commitment, trust and financials can all be there without a wedding.

Up until just recently, he would always say he wasn't ready for children - which was kind of ok as we had other stuff going on but I always made it clear that I was ready and could he try and respect that I wasn't getting younger (fertility wise). I don't know whether something finally clicked in his mind, or if not being able to do much apart from have each other's company during lockdown but out of the blue he brought it up one day... that if it happened, it happened and he'd be happy. So we finished that packet of pills and now cycle 2 TTC.

I really wouldn't encourage you to throw away your relationship if you're happy! But it sounds like he needs to be a bit more respectful about the topic and if he's really not ready then to give you a bit more chat around that and if there's some goals to maybe achieve beforehand. Try and make this go both ways though by not getting frustrated with him or getting into an argument.

Sorry for the rambling 💜.

@Genevive123 how did the chat go last night? X

@HungryHippo20 honestly not so good, I tried to bring it up and he just went to bed in a bad mood .. I’ve also not mentioned this yet on here but I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to discuss PCOS, I have terrible chest, chin and stomach hair, I haven’t told him this as I’m embarrassed and I don’t want him to think it’s disgusting... so on top of me feeling nervous about this and worrying it will effect my fertility, I just can’t have a conversation with him :( x

That's no so good @Genevive123, sounds like you're having a rotten time I'm sorry. Why don't you try writing down how you feel in a letter and maybe him reading it/having time to digest will help him to discuss it? It sounds like he doesn't cope well with impromptu chats in the subject (although you shouldn't need to walk on eggshells in such an important subject) so maybe letting him read you point of view would help him think about his response? You do need to ask for his honesty though as you don't deserve to be strung along x

I also meant to mention I have really excessive hair (in all the places you mention and some!) and have had all my life. It hasn't affected my fertility but you're right to get it checked for your own peace of mind x

It's a tricky situation OP, and I sympathise with you as I was much more keen to have a baby than my partner.

I don't think your age matters at all, I was like you were at 25 too. I do think you need to think about what will happen if he turns around and says he's ready all of a sudden (particularly if you say you're ending it bc of this). You don't want to feel like you've pressured someone into having a kid, and I think you always would.

Hi @Genevive123 sorry to hear the chat didn't go your way. Is this how he always reacts? My previous relationship was filled with communication problems, I understand how difficult it can be. You at least deserve to be treated with some respect when taking about this, it's a valid chat that most couples have at some point. Would a txt work any better?
And the hair... I'm quite hairy (I do wax) lol what are your cycles like? That's a good indicator of any issues xx

Yeah he always reacts this way, all I want is to have a conversation with him, I did mention a timescale and his response was “I’m not going to do that you’ll hold me to it” I mean I’m not sure what he even means by that? My cycles used to be every 28 days but recently they’ve gotten closer together, every 23? Does this mean anything? Xx

I just wanted to put my ill advised ad hoc reckon here. I had been with my DP, (now DH) for 15 years. Our first child was not planned. At all. We both agreed that we weren't ready - though had always talked about having children when we were older (met when we were 20) but never felt we'd grown up! We went on a holiday for our 10yr wedding anniversary. When we were on holiday, we found out I was pregnant. It was a nightmare on that holiday. DH went to counselling because he wanted to be the best dad he could be. My point is, he wasn't ready...and neither was I tbh. I don't think you can be. our DD is 7 now nearly 8 and we have a DS who's 6 and wouldn't change anything for the world. if someone had asked me if I was ready, I would have said no. This isn't an excuse to stick a needle in a condom or other such behaviour but I firmly believe, given a choice, DH would have been quite happy to have no child at all. I don't know where I am going with this, but it worked out in the end for us....but if I had asked if we were ready for children, the answer would have been no....from both of us. I don't think you can necessarily ever be ready but think the most important thing is your relationship with your partner - if that is strong then whatever life brings will be fine. I'd say as a family of four our life is far more fulfilled than it would have been as just the two of us.

@Genevive123 that's not great that he won't sit with you and listen to how you feel about this. Knowing what I know now, communication and having a partner who respects you and is mature enough to sit and listen to any issue/ problem big or small is huge in keeping a relationship strong especially with the challenges we all face when raising a family. The values this man has will be the ones that help raise your children. Don't let anyone hold you back from your life goals and don't be spoken to like crap either. I hope you are ok, without delving in to how OH treats you I can't advise much more I just hope you do what is best for YOU xxx

@marcella64 I know really not great. I did just speak to him then, I said why can’t we just say that within the next 6 months we will start trying, you can come and tell me in the next 6 months when you’re ready if before. He said “I’ll tell you in the next 6 months if I’m ready or not”

If it gets to 6 months time and he still is saying no, then I think I’ll just have to take it that he doesn’t want children with me :( I didn’t expect him to tell me he wanted to start trying tonight, but I was hoping he’d agree to start trying rather than “I will tell you if I’m ready or not” think I just feel worst now x

That doesn’t sound good. Has he got any life plans? Part of being a grown-up is planning, and not drifting g along, even if it’s saving money towards a major holiday or new car. Planning for a baby is part of this.

It sounds like you want different things in life. Out of interest, who was the main person moving forward in buying the house. Ie. Who’s the planner in your relationship?

The thing you need to consider is what if he says the exact same in 6 months time? Would you be inclined to give him another 6 months in hope that he will come round? At the moment there is only one person making this decision in your relationship and that's not fair on you, it has to be a decision you both reach. It's clear that he is of the opinion it will only happen on his say so, he's not really considering your feelings and I think you are being very considerate towards him. I hope you get the outcome you hope for xx

neither of you are wrong, and he probably doesn't want to lose you any more than you want to lose him. Sadly there's no compromise on this one. You cannot have a baby with a man who doesn't want one. Not everyone wants children.

I'm afraid there is a really sad choice to make. It is this man or a chance of children. Please make up your mind, and if it is the latter you will have to move on.

The thing is when we got together he always said how much he wanted children - he couldn’t wait for them. Now I wonder if he was just saying that because it was what I wanted to hear

Kids are really difficult and put a huge strain on a relationship. Both partners need to be enthusiastically on board or its most likely that the relationship won't last. If you give him an ultimatum he might agree, but then later resent you for it. How would you feel about being a single parent?

So many judgemental people on here, sorry you got some negative responses OP. Some women want to have long and successful careers and start having kids at 40.... and then there's people like us who have always known their path in life is to be a mummy... it's normal, we are all allowed to have different dreams etc. You're doing the right thing giving him a time frame, he has to understand that this is a big deal for you, there is 2 people in this relationship and not every life changing decision should be according to his time schedule. Of course you have to consider his feelings and understand his reasonings but remember to sometimes put yourself first. I'm 24, expecting second baby with my fiancé... we chose not to get married before kids as I wanted my children at my wedding aswell. Marriage doesn't necessarily bring "security and stability" these days like everyone's saying as it's easy to divorce... married men do still leave!!! Good luck and don't let anyone make you think you're crazy for wanting to be a mum, it's safer and easier to have a baby at 25 than 40, lots of love x