Will he ever want a baby?

[Genevive123]

I’m in a bit of a crap position at the moment, I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years now and we’ve had countless arguments about the fact I’m so desperate to be a mum and him not being ready. 6 months ago I said to him, look I need you to know I’m ready and I can’t wait forever

6 months later and I’m still terrified to bring up wanting a baby? Think it’s coming to the end of me being able to wait for him now :( anyone else been in this situation? i adore him but I just can’t wait forever it’s breaking my heart

I had my first at 25. Super difficult and had pnd.
Had my second at 30 completely different. Abs my little girl was a super big sister.
You do have plenty of time.
28 is very young for some men to be fathers.
You've both got to want this or it's unfair on the child.
If you truly love each other you will get through this. If everything else is good in your relationship then just relax about it. Desperation is not a good reason to have a baby.
At 30 there is a very good chance he may turn round and want a child.
Personally I would have gone with what ever my partner wanted child wise , but at the right time.
Will you give up work?
Go part time?
Can your partner support you all on one wage ?
Have got extended family near by who would help?
Many things to think about.
Lots of stress to put on a relationship and it's easier if you got each other's back when there's a baby involved.
I'm sure you will make an excellent mother. At 25 you have plenty of time.

@Genevive123 I read your post and honestly thought I could have typed that out myself when I was with my ex. It's so frustrating isn't it. It's like you don't want to push them, but you'd think at 28 they'd somewhat know what they'd want in their future. It honestly sounds like he's gotten very comfortable with your arrangement and he's somewhat dangling you by a thread because he knows you won't leave which isn't fair, considering you've made your feelings quite clear. Like maybe he's just being a typical bloke and hasn't quite grasped that you're really serious about this. I do hope he'll listen to you, I know how distraught you must feel. Just remember you should never feel guilty about wanting to have children, you should never feel guilty about bringing the topic up, he is your partner of 5 years he should not make you feel bad for wanting to be a mother. He hasn't even given you a time frame so he just expects you to wait and hope for the best? That is not on at all.

I honestly stayed with my ex longer than I should have because I thought well I've been with him a long time it'll happen eventually, but it never did. What hurt the most is that he'd laugh at home with his family saying pfft I'll never have kids but then on the other hand would say to me that he definitely wanted them. There was so many mixed messages. Needless to say after 5 years we split up because he wanted an open relationship , which he told me via text message when I was at work 😒x

Good luck hunni xxx

Imagine you leave him, how long do you think it will take you get over him, find someone else suitable that you adore and want to spend forever with and settle down with him until he feels the same? You are talking years.

Is it worth throwing away a good man because he is not ready?

If he said he didn't went any, I would say leave you need to start again. However if it is on the cards for him I would be patient if it meant I got the man and the family.

Put a time frame on it and then enjoy your time together until then. 25 is young. I was married at 21 and thought I knew what I wanted and kids was high up there. Before I knew it I was divorced and I'm only pregnant now at 37 with my first.

If you leave him who knows how many unfulfilled years you may have ahead of you.

Just don't be hasty, talking from experience.

@Genevive123 I really did struggle not to want to constantly ask him, I really wasn't very fair a lot of the time! I had said by the time he was 30 I needed to know for certain as its not something I can ignore and I would need time to start over.. I do hope your DP makes the right decision

You say you want your children at your wedding but you haven't had children yet to be able to base that decision on any real experience.....personally I wanted a man to marry me for ME not because I was the mother of his children and was "expected"

If you end the relationship it could still take you 5 years to meet someone and form a stable enough relationship to consider having kids

If you love THIS man then you need to exercise some form of patience - 25 is still young - I suffered terrible infertility problems and would normally advise women to get on with it....if they were 30 plus....but you're not.

Sit him down and agree some form of timeline that you are both comfortable with? And what you both want in place before feeling ready for children? Is it marriage or is it buying a house etc, or is it an age. Make it clear that you won't put up with him dragging his heels once you've met the timeline and the then consequences 🤷‍♀️ that way there is no ambiguity in what either of your expectations are

@Genevive123 no problem hunni, I defo agree with @Miseryl our bodies are defo made for pregnancy in our 20s. Please let us know how you get on, feel free to PM me if you fancy a chat xx

'I want my children to be at the wedding' .... why? If you go ahead and have a baby with this man without being married at least make sure all the legal responsibilities are properly taken care of.

Sorry you're struggling with this OP.

I don't think you need to worry about having enough time to have kids, but I also think if you feel you're ready at 25, there's nothing wrong with that. Everybody is different.

I do think we should cut your DP a bit of slack though- I think it's rare for a man to be ready for kids at 28. A lot of men, especially if they are career focused, aren't ready till mid or even late 30s.

& the last thing you want to do is have kids with a man who doesn't really want them but felt pressured into it. If he loves you & doesn't want to lose you, which I'm sure is true, he may find himself unable to say no.

I agree with other posters who've said sit down & find out what is it that's holding him back. Does he want to advance more in his career? Does he want to travel more? Does he not want to do childcare? Then you can try to make a plan about how to try to overcome these concerns, (including waiting a period of time), if he is willing.

Good luck!

[quote Genevive123]@user184628462 honestly just leave the post please. I find you rather infuriating - thank you.[/quote]

I agree this is rather rude

You asked for opinions which means you won't necessarily get a thread full of sycophants telling you what you want to hear

Your posts come across very much about you wanting something therefor you must have it now. Symptomatic of youth I guess in 2021

Your choice to want a baby now, his choice not to - especially if he is the one expected to bear the responsibility of supporting the entire family financially

@ivfbeenbusy I’m sorry that you find my response rude. I did however find the persons response rude and asked them to leave the post.

Wanting something therefore I must have it now? How is that the case?

Symptomatic of youth in 2021 , aha and this isn’t rude no?

Why? Because I'm not agreeing with you?

I don’t think 25 is too young op if your financially stable, however I think you should get married before having a baby together - not because I’m old fashioned or religious but just because it grants you a degree of stability financially - often women financially take the hit when having a baby, being married just puts you in a better position legally. I’m 28 and my dh is 34, we’ve been together 7 years and we had our DS when I was 25, we had been married for a year. My DH was the one very keen to start a family (comes from a large family) and as I was younger I wasn’t in quite such a hurry as him. Early on we sat down together and discussed our ideal plans for the future and what we saw our lives looking at at which point, we were both extremely frank and honest about what we wanted. I think if they had been so wildly different to each other to the point that we couldn’t compromise then we wouldn’t have continued our relationship. You both deserve to be happy and if for you having a child so soon is a huge priority that doesn’t match up with his (and you feel you can’t wait/compromise) then I think you need to go your separate ways. You don’t want to wait another 5 years, blindly hoping that one day he will be ready if deep down he knows he doesn’t want a child. You need a full adult discussion, when (if at all) does he see himself having children? Us women have much shorter fertile years than men and you don’t want to look back and have regrets that he’s strung you along for your fertile years. On the other hand if he says he needs a few more years and then he definitely does want children with you - and your willing to wait then you’re still young! It has to be what you want too though!

Wanting your children who don’t yet exist at your wedding and not understanding the importance of getting married first shows that you’re probably quite naive and not ready for the responsibility of a baby.

@BumbleBiscuit or possibly she has different values? Was present at her parents wedding and wants to be able to share that day with her children too. Maybe she's smart enough to know that it's wise to plan a family in your 20s as no one wants to get to 35/40 and realise they have fertility issues they wouldn't have had 10 years ago. 🙄

@marcella64 thank you!! I was present at my parents wedding yes and seeing those family wedding photos and remembering being a bridesmaid was the best memory I have! I also know after my mum had me, she tried many years to have more children and was unable to due to fertility issues, I was her rainbow baby. So yes you’re totally right this is the reasoning behind my values and wishes !! Xx

@Genevive123 sounds like we have similar experiences! I wasn't present at my parent wedding but I have friends who have had there kids at the wedding and it's magical to share that with your whole family! My mum had years of fertility issues after having my brothers in her late 20s she then Had 10 years of failed pregnancies... I am her rainbow baby. Family is very important to me and I couldn't wait to have mine. I hope you get your little family too ❤️

@marcella64 I agree lovely! Honestly I will always remember their wedding day, it was magical for a little girl! I am exactly the same, I wouldn’t be able to cope without my family, they’re my rock - praying for the day I can start my own xx

@Genevive123 😘 how are you feeling about chatting with OH? The only advice I can give on that side of things is you have been together 5 years so you must have a strong relationship, but people's wants change as you get older. Men are never great at saying yes let's do it when babies are concerned but if he wants you as his child's mum I'm sure there must be a compromise. Xx

@marcella64 I’m nervous but I do know the chat needs to happen, his best friends have just had their children and I wonder if maybe when he gets to see them it may make him feel like he’s ready too xx I don’t want to cause an argument and upset him but at the same time I also want him to know how I’m feeling xx

I wouldn’t wait six months to see if he mentions it. I would have ‘the chat’ now and compromise on timescale. Ie. Agree not to try now, but you would like to start in six months time, your birthday, his birthday etc. That will give him time to get use to the idea. Obviously, if he says wait two years, that’s quite a long time, and what if if then he wants to delay further.

@Standrewsschool ok yes you’re totally right :) I will bring it up this evening to get it off my chest and see what his timings look like - hopefully he doesn’t say two years !! Xx

I agree with @Standrewsschool A compromise timeframe of 6 months to start trying is what a lot of couples do, that way he can get his head around it, that's what I done with baby no 3... we said April this year but oh then wanted to start trying earlier after getting his head around it. And I agree with what happens if you wait 2 years and he's still not ready. Good luck hun let us know how it goes xx

Hi @Genevive123! I know exactly how you feel. We are the same age and I had a MC at 12 weeks too (sorry to hear this). But after that all you want is to become a mum and it's just heartbreaking when someone doesn't want the same. Personally though if it's bothering you that much (and believe me it was for me) then you need to have a proper chat with him and if you can't come to a compromise you need to decide which is more important to you. After almost a year of this hell for me I left, and he'd gotten someone else pregnant within a month (which obviously crushed me as I still can't conceive as having difficulties) so unfortunately we can't always rely on the other person to be honest about why they don't want a baby. I hope you get an answer either way and can make a decision for yourself. Good luck! X

Hi OP just wanted to say I think it's ridiculous that people are implying there's something weird about you wanting kids at your age! Good on you for knowing, I wish I had known earlier as I'm 40 now and just about to have my first! I spent years actually thinking I didn't want kids. I also spent years with a man who told me we would get married one day. He was stringing me along and in the end I walked away. Now happily married and baby girl due in 8 weeks 🥰🥰 do what's right for you and don't have regrets. Good luck xx

I echo @HungryHippo20, how on earth do people think they can make these assumptions? Good for you for knowing what you want! I know women have kids later in life these days but that the younger the better still applies, it's just how nature intended. Before I get stoned for saying this, I'm 34 and trying for my first. Anyway…
Here's my story: met my now DH 8 years ago when I was 26. He told me on the first date that he doesn't want kids. I was devastated but I thought I'm young, let's see how this goes. 6 years later, we were still together and we got married. He was still saying no to kids. I thought I had made my peace with never having kids but once my career developed and achieved more than I ever thought I would, my biological clock went off! It took 2 years to convince him but he is now 100% on board. He was so excited when I got a positive test in November and we were both devastated when we lost that baby in December. We started trying again immediately.
You may think I tell you this as a positive story, but it's not. Yes, men can change their minds. But you lose time waiting/trying for that to happen. I love my husband to bits but I'm 34, I've had one miscarriage and I have no idea if I will ever have a baby. If you know it in your heart that you want a baby, don't stay with someone who doesn't.
Ultimately, you will do what your heart tells you to and I wish all the best no matter which path you follow. ❤️