TTC #1, cycle 13 and fed up! Whose with me?

[Theawkwardblonde]

Hello. So AF arrived yesterday which means I'm officially on cycle 13 of TTC. I'm a healthy 28 year old with husband whose 33. We've had 2 chemical pregnancies in the time we've been actively trying. We are just waiting on our dates for blood tests and SA for husband.

Needless to say I'm bloody fed up! Had 3 friends announce pregnancy news in the last week, and one friend is due in 4 weeks. TTC is definitely starting to take its toll on both of us and the realisation that something may be wrong is starting to sink in.
Who else is having similar? Please feel free to share/rant!

So annoyed. Just received a letter in the post saying there was a problem with my day 21 bloods at the lab so need to rebook in. That's another month to get the right date.
I'm so frustrated as that's yet another setback as I know it'll be a bfn this month. I keep saying this but I'm really struggling with it all.

@Theawkwardblonde oh wow that's a very annoying setback! Really sorry about that. I hadn't even imagined that mix-up happening. I hate needles so I'd be furious if I had to do it again. Do you live in a busy town ? What do you think could have happened? Did the label fall off? They didn't store the blood sample properly ? 😯

@Monday55 I hate needles too 😂
The letter just said "we are really sorry but there has been a problem with your sample at the lab. Please ring your surgery to arrange for a repeat blood test". I'm really annoyed tbh as husband can't go for SA due to the centre being used for covid (Fair enough), but now the wait to go for bloods again is very annoying.

@Theawkwardblonde that’s super frustrating! Sorry it’s happened!

@Theawkwardblonde 😔 what an unnecessary complication 😔 My mental health has improved since I started acupuncture a few weeks ago, mainly because it feels like I'm doing something productive. Is that an option for you?

@CurbsideProphet a few people on here have recommended acupuncture. Tbh I wouldn't even know how to go about arranging that! I've been on medication in the past for depression and GAD (generalised anxiety disorder). I've been good the past couple of years but hitting the year mark TTC has triggered it again. I'm willing to try anything to help so acupuncture may be an option.

@Theawkwardblonde I looked on the British Acupuncture Council website to find practitioners in my area, then picked a woman based on her background (pathology) and the fact that she's also registered with the "acupuncture fertility network" (it's called something like that anyway). I've found it a good outlet, mainly because she has seen many women in my position and it makes me feel less alone with it all (if that makes sense). It also helps my migraines and anxiety, so I'm finding it worth the money for that alone. I'm not going out for lunch or buying clothes etc, so the cost balances out for me in that respect. I can also claim some of the costs back through Simply Health.

Anxiety is an absolute prick isn't it 😔 I think of it as my joy thief. I spent a fortune on EMDR (NHS wait time was 2 years here and I physically couldn't wait). I was in a good place before ttc, but I've felt my inner resolve continue to crumble. I'm just going day at a time now, as I find it too upsetting to look too far ahead. It's like the Sliding Doors film in many ways, all the possibilities of how the past year could have gone. If my pregnancy at new year had been successful I would have had my baby by now. So I'm really just trying to focus on where I am today. Doing my best anyway!

AF arrived 2 days early. To say I'm pissed off is an understatement as I have never had an early period in my life. Makes me now worried my cycles are starting to shorten.
I've had enough. DH and I aren't talking now. I said yesterday I don't want to keep trying anymore as it seems like I'm the only one who gets upset or cares about this. He was very chill and just said to happen when it happens. Needless to say I was upset and acted irrationally and had a bit of a wobbler and said there's no point us continuing as he clearly isn't bothered, only me. He said he will go private to get his fertility checked but in all honesty we can't afford it at the moment. I don't want to be an older parent-nothing wrong with them I just don't want to be-so I've explained my concerns around that and just feel so fed up.
The thought of sex now just makes me feel sick. I know that's an issue but im just so exhausted, I've forgotten what it's like to DTD while not trying.
So i came to the conclusion last night no more. It's not meant to be. The nhs aren't being very good re fertility but we can't exactly complain with covid going on, can't afford private. We're done, resigning to the fact that we can't have kids. No point stressing me out when DH doesn't seem too stressed.

@Theawkwardblonde don't think you are alone in how you feel or also with your OH. I have just turned 38 and my OH still doesn't get my need to crack on. Men really just don't feel it or get it like us. However now we have seen a fertility consultant and they have suggested IVF and he has seen the price he suddenly seems a lot more willing to cut back on drink etc etc wink
My doctors got all my bloods wrong and it was the final straw for me and we did end up going private as like you I just felt to stressed and down by it all. I like to be in control and just felt I had none so I decided it was worth it and it wasn't a horrific cost to be honest. Just for initial investigations. It really does get very stressful ttc a couple of months ago I had a big blow up with my OH as like you say about yours mine was just quite unsupportive and uninterested but we had a really good chat in the end and I explained what I needed and wanted and we got back on track. I honestly wouldn't give up hope maybe just take a break for a little while if you feel you need it mentally. I hate the whole 'it only takes once' blah blah blah but it did happen to me (sadly I had a mc) when we weren't trying and had only had sex once that month and not even around ovulation so I do like to cling to that every now and then when it all gets a bit much! I hope you feel more positive soon x

@Theawkwardblonde 💐💐

@Theawkwardblonde Sorry you’re feeling so fed up. Hugs!

@Theawkwardblonde your feelings are understandable but as @SR12 said it's common that women are more invested in TTC than men. We are more maternal than they're and sometimes they need a wake up call for them to get invested.

With my DH he only got invested this August after a whole year of trying. Previously it was common for us to argue around the fertile window as he'd be chilled as he didn't understand that we only get 1 chance each month, he really did think we could just have sex anytime and it would happen.

In August a close member of his family announced a pregnancy and it somehow changed him. He apologised for not taking TTC seriously and he now asks me when my fertile window is and he takes his vitamins every morning before work without me reminding (nagging) him like I used to. Seriously it's like a miracle!

In your situation I would take time out and maybe carry on in January 2021, a new year always puts everyone in a motivated mood

Sorry don't know how that gin emoji got in there 🤔

Oh it's turning my flower emojis into a gin emoji ffs.

@Theawkwardblonde sorry I've not replied in a while. How are you doing today? So sorry to read how you've been feeling. It truly is the shittest thing to go through isn't it! We're here to help where we can, you're not alone through this x

Thanks everyone for the well wishes-means a lot. DH has been a bit more acknowledging of the strain it's having on me.
Annoyingly enough the bleeding stopped after a few hours so now I'm in the position again of waiting to see where my full blown period is. The bleeding was early, as I'm not due AF until tomorrow, but it didn't get any heavier. Just some wipes on the evening. Had the slightest brown spotting but not much else.
I'm sick as a dog too, full of cold and have picked up a sickness bug which is annoying. Feck knows what my body is doing this month 😞 bloody fed up.

@Theawkwardblonde oOOo do you think it could be implantation bleeding?

UPDATE: got my bloods done today! I didn't know they where going to take 6 tubes worth (apparently they all have to go to different departments). I'm just glad to get it done as it got painful at some point. The GP will call me this Thursday to discuss results. Thanks to all who encouraged me to get my blood tested as I was going to wait until next year spring 💗💖

@Monday55 no I don't think so. I've had IB before-it was lighter than this. It wasn't much but enough to make he think AF as it was red too. Was odd as it was 4 days early. Got my usual pre Flo brown spotting starting too.

Good that bloods gave been done for you. Let me know how you get on with them. Fingers crossed they don't mess them up. I'm having to wait and get mine re done in November 😡

@Theawkwardblonde sorry you’re going through such a rough time. I’m sure the bloods mix up hasn’t helped. Your feelings are totally valid. Maybe taking some time off from TTC wouldn’t be a bad idea. I can’t try every cycle as hubby works away and sometimes the break is really nice. Just to get some head space that not consumed by TTC. I have had a couple of emotional breakdowns over it all and definitely made me a bit grumpy with DH. Think it’s fairly normal for them to be less concerned. I don’t think their hormones make them quite as crazy about it and all and they don’t have to put up with the symptom spotting.

I had a phone consult with doctors today. I’m getting booked in for day 21 bloods and DH is to organise an appointment and look at getting SA organised.

TTC for this length of time such a strain I'm not surprised we're all feeling the stress of it in different ways. I switch between feeling optimistic that we're on our way now I have an appointment with a fertility specialist next week, but also very sad that it's come to this.
💐🍫🥧☕ for all.

@CurbsideProphet hit the nail on the head there. It's such a headfuck! Glad you're appointment is next week though! Still waiting for ours but Dh has his urologist appointment next week so that's something at least!

@notyetamumbuttrying it's only over the phone, but at least it's a start. I'm so anxious he won't be able to prescribe Clomid because I've got a fibroid 😩 Who knows that the NHS wait time would be to have a fibroid removed and I can't even imagine the private cost.
And so begins the spiralling!!

@CurbsideProphet where's your fibroid and how big? I've got one too but intramural and small so was told not to worry about it. Hope that won't affect getting clomid! So do you know you don't always ovulate then?

So I'm definitely out, AF finally arrived properly. I'm now concerned that my red one off spotting Sunday was failed implantation/chemical again. Very annoying.
Here's to cycle 14 😞😞

@Theawkwardblonde sorry darlin! Where are you up to with investigations again? Are you able to put some pressure on? I'm still waiting on my referral so intend on calling for a polite chase. I know they're dealing with a lot of Covid, but it's ok to do polite chases. It could just do the trick!