TTC #1, cycle 13 and fed up! Whose with me?

[Theawkwardblonde]

Hello. So AF arrived yesterday which means I'm officially on cycle 13 of TTC. I'm a healthy 28 year old with husband whose 33. We've had 2 chemical pregnancies in the time we've been actively trying. We are just waiting on our dates for blood tests and SA for husband.

Needless to say I'm bloody fed up! Had 3 friends announce pregnancy news in the last week, and one friend is due in 4 weeks. TTC is definitely starting to take its toll on both of us and the realisation that something may be wrong is starting to sink in.
Who else is having similar? Please feel free to share/rant!

@notyetamumbuttrying 18 weeks sounds a bit better! I've never really thought to attribute hormones to how mental I go during the 2ww but it would make sense 😂 I'm in that feral mindset where I'm angry at everyone atm. I think it's a combination of work too if I'm being honest. Maybe need to start a new hobby to keep me occupied-lord knows what! With gyms now closed in our area my only outlet for stress relief is gone!

@Theawkwardblonde yep, much better! I'm still going to be optimistic and hope we can start at my next cycle. Seeing as their short I get two in March so hoping the end one is the one we can start on!
It's defo hormones hun, pms is rife with me. All rational thought leaves my mind and I'm a head case for a solid week! Could eat everything in sight and also bawk at things too. I'm a delight to be around, just ask my Dh 😆
How about online exercise classes? I'm looking into them. Don't fancy pounding the streets in freezing weather! Is there any let up with work do you think?

@notyetamumbuttrying raging hormones are the best 😂 I think my husband would agree. I'm a psycho in the 2ww!
Work will never let up unfortunately as it's emergency services and very busy atm. No one seems to be playing by lockdown rules which is making our jobs so much harder too. I'm literally coming in from a 12 hour shifts and sleeping straight through to the next shift.
I have a home gym set up as into weight training but I just love the gym on top of home training. It's a nice escape from life.

@Theawkwardblonde oh bless you! Is it a lot of Covid cases then? Ooh nice having a home gym set up. We're still in a flat so can't do much with our space. We're on the market though and hoping to buy a 4 bed so will have plenty room for a home set up then. Can't wait!

@notyetamumbuttrying it's making our jobs hard (I'm not NHS). Just been a very stressful last year at work.
Have you found any homes you like?
We moved into a 4 bed last year in anticipation
of children. The house feels far too big for us 🤦🏼‍♀️ it adds to people always asking when we are having kids as everyone always goes "oooh you'll have to fill those spare bedrooms" etc "nice garden for kids".

@Theawkwardblonde yeah I can imagine!
Yeah we have, just so annoying that we haven't had any offers yet. Been on the market since mid September. Reduced by 10k on Boxing Day so hoping to get lots of viewings this month!
Oh gosh yeah I bet. Ppl mean well but I'd love to say eff off to a few of them 😝 I'm hoping we'd have at least started ivf by the time we move so that I can waddle around pregnant within months of moving in 🤞🏾

Thanks for the welcome @Theawkwardblonde!

Useful to know, they have not offered me the transvaginal scan yet @notyetamumbuttrying, not sure why, it's been hard to speak to the same person with the current weird system my GP surgery has in place. Grapefruit juice is on order and EPO is here to take once my period is here again, so I am hoping I will be able to improve it for the next cycle later this month.

@thislittlebird defo try chasing that up then as its standard tests before a referral. Good luck!

How is everyone?

@notyetamumbuttrying
@Theawkwardblonde
@Rosie189
@thislittlebird

I have to call the IVF clinic on the first day of my next period to find out if I can get started (restrictions on numbers due to covid). If I can then I'll be off for more bloods and scans, and to find out what protocol they're planning for me.

I'm struggling massively with it. We've had to do lots of online forms and watch "education modules". It's been very stressful. DH feels worried for me and what I'll go through. I feel worried that I'll go through all the injections (needle phobe that I am) and then on the day there won't be any eggs to collect. Or that they'll put eggs and sperm together but nothing will happen.

Neither of us wants egg or sperm donations. Neither of us wants to adopt. We've had half conversations about making big life changes if we try several rounds of IVF without success. We might even move. We bought this house to be our family home, but if there's just the two of us...

I'm also waiting for work to finish reviewing the service I work in. I might need to apply and interview to stay, right in the middle of IVF... Worst timing 😩

@CurbsideProphet hiya 👋🏾 ok thanks! You? Hope you've calmed a bit now. Sounds like your catastrophizing which is understandable but not good to do. You need to think of all the positives out if it, like you're going to get a baby at the end of it (hopefully). You should be offered counselling as well I thought?! You should take them up on it as they guide you on how to cope during the process.
I hope the work thing gets sorted that sounds stressful! Have You tried mindfulness techniques to help with the anxiety?

The doctor was quite clear about success rates for my age and AMH so I'm frightened to let myself feel like it will definitely work when there's more chance that it won't, if that makes sense?

I know I'm definitely struggling with the lack of control at the moment - my body isn't doing what it should, I don't know how many cycles until I start, I don't know if it will work, I don't know what will happen with my job.

Too many things for my brain to compute! Ideally I would get out on furlough so I could just concentrate on the IVF for a few months. Most of my colleagues were put on it last spring (and are now back) but we've not heard what the plan is yet.

I've got a zoom yoga class at 7.30 which is good. I suppose they call it Blue Monday for a reason 😬

@CurbsideProphet this is really relatable. We have our first fertility clinic appointment on Feb 8th, my AMH test and scan Jan 28th, and we’ve been watching some modules and filling in forms for a while this weekend. We aren’t as far down the line as you yet (not sure what the scans and tests will show) but there’s just so much uncertainty around it all, it’s not easy.

I’m the same though, I don’t want to imagine it will work in case it doesn’t but as @notyetamumbuttrying said, catastrophising is easily done and I have to pull myself out of it with some CBT exercises because it’s a vicious circle.

How were your previous fertility clinic appointments?

Oh and I should add, my body is also being a bitch. AF just decided to be an asshole and change for the last few months. I flipped out last week and booked the fertility clinic appointments earlier than I’d planned because I feel so out of control of it all, at least I’m doing something.

Started using CB fertility monitor today, hoping that will help us

@CurbsideProphet I can understand your trepidation and that definitely makes sense. You need to protect yourself but also give yourself the best possible time whilst going through it. I hope you're class goes well and do ask abut when the counselling can start when you next speak to the clinic!
@thislittlebird best of luck using the monitor. I've heard good things about those!

@CurbsideProphet sorry you’re having a tough time. I think it’s normal to worry about these things but it is easy to catastrophise and that’s not helpful (although I was definitely doing this not long ago). The job situation must understandably be causing a lot of extra pressure. I’m not sure if it helps in this situation but I always like to try and remind myself that worrying about the situation doesn’t change it. It doesn’t make it better normally only worse.

I’m doing ok. DH finally got SA done last week (we’ve been waiting since October to get an appointment). Should get results this week. I’m going to contact the dr this week for another appointment to try and see what our next steps are. I’m 3dpo so probably naively trying to be positive. DH is working from home till June so I’m hoping this will be positive for us as he’s normally works away and having him here definitely helps my mental health.

I’m still having a lot of anxiety about work colleagues announcing they’re pregnant though. Think that’s both due to pressure at work and being left to deal with it alongside the upset of a pregnancy announcement. On annual leave just now so this has settled but sure it will amp up once I’m back. Not sure how to deal with it. I literally was up for the day from 3am a few weeks ago convinced someone was pregnant based on nothing...

@thislittlebird hope the appointment goes ok.

@CurbsideProphet sorry to hear things are hard at the moment. It's totally understandable the mindset you are in.

It may be worth looking into some techniques to help with your anxiety around this (rich coming from me as I'm a flapper). I have GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) along with bipolar, and tend to think of worst case scenarios. We bought a 4 bed house last year in the hope it would have a child in it now, but nope, just us and the dogs. So I totally get your stresses. We too have said we don't want sperm donation, eggs etc. You've got to take care of yourself in these hard times, and the job thing won't be helping.
Can you take some time off work and focus on you? Lockdown isn't ideal with helping these things, and I can wholeheartedly say I know how you feel. I'm actively avoiding all contact with all my friends as they are pregnant. It's killing be but I need to protect me and I just can't deal with them at the moment-it's a major trigger for my anxiety.
There's no magic fix to help with these things, but I genuinely mean it when I say that this thread is here for any support that you need 😊

Really well put @Theawkwardblonde

Thank you all 💐
I did my yoga class and then we watched Only Connect so I've come back down to earth now.

@Theawkwardblonde I've previously had a lot of (expensive) EMDR for GAD. I'm so much better than I used to be, but I find it very difficult when there are things I can't control. It's all very overwhelming isn't it. I'm lucky that so far no friends are pregnant. DH's sister in law is due in June but we don't see each other unless the family is together. It must be very difficult for you to have to avoid friends, but I completely understand that you would need to.

I get 25 days annual leave (plus the 5 extra I've "purchased" this year), so I have to spread them out. Ideally I would have a couple of weeks off now to recoup mentally, but that would only leave me with 3 weeks leave between Feb and December 😬

It's just quite confronting doing the "IVF education modules" (I don't know if you found that too @thislittlebird) and then a lot of my energy in the week is spent being normal on work calls etc when inside I'm thinking about what's to come.

I'll be ok though. Thank you all for caring 💐

Thanks @Rosie189! The friends and colleagues thing is really hard. I honestly had no idea how hard I would find it. Thinking about my pregnant friends is really triggering and it can send me over the edge a bit, it’s bizarre how much it impacts us.

And I’ll have to keep you posted @notyetamumbuttrying. I think I might ovulate later than I thought so this is the first month I’m monitoring everything properly and hoping for a pattern!

@CurbsideProphet we’re at the really early basic ones and my husband was all a bit confused as to why we needed these modules. I won’t break the news to him that there’s likely more to come yet lol. It just all feels really intimidating, and unknown. I have issues with anxiety too and don’t feel very cut out for the nature of this process but do want to try. The easier options would be preferable . Is your job at home? Mine is right now and it is hard to distract myself from my thoughts when I don’t really see anyone.

@thislittlebird when are you due to ovulate? I got my smiley today so it'll be tomorrow for me. Only dtd today and will again tomorrow hopefully but we're meant to do it every other day so that the swimmers have time to renew but I'll doubt we'll want to on a Monday lol! What is it about weekdays that just put me off sex, prob the stress of work!

Hope everyone's well! We had a nice long walk along the Thames and up to Canary Wharf today. Walked through the foot tunnel so was nice to see the river from the other side for once ☺️

@thislittlebird yes I've been WFH since last March so I'm just in the house all of the time 😬

@notyetamumbuttrying I feel your pain about trying to build the enthusiasm to DTD on a week night 🙈
That walk sounds lush. I lived in London for 4-5 years in my twenties and I do miss the city walks.

@notyetamumbuttrying handy that you know! I’m not sure exactly for myself because AF went haywire in December but before that I had a suspicion it might be CD17/18 and I’m currently on CD12 so we’ve been trying every day since Thursday and trying to keep that up until about CD20 (or when I’m sure I’ve ovulated). We’ve never put the effort in to do it every day in the lead up before but we are throwing everything at it because would really rather it just worked

Yeah it’s hard dtd some days, and frequently is very dull. We’ve been home this last week which makes it easier (I’m always home) but work will be starting for him again this week so will be tougher to keep it up.

We went for a walk in the snow (in the woods) which was different, but made a change!

Honestly very monotonous when you are just stuck at home all day @CurbsideProphet and my brain is ok now in the trying phase but it will be my worst enemy in the tww with no distractions.

@CurbsideProphet same as me with the WFH since March. Had the odd day in the office during that time but not a lot!
Yeah weeknight sex, no thanks 👎🏾🤣
Yeah it's nice. Been here 6 years now and so ready to leave now. I want to return to semi rural life in Buckinghamshire now. Our flats on the market and I have my new build house all picked out lol! Just need a bloody buyer for our flat now! Selling during a pandemic is not the one 😂 how's things with you?

@thislittlebird ah I see. U not tempted to use opk's? Good effort doing it everyday! Hope you can both keep it up for another 8 days potentially 😬 twice is enough for me this cycle 😂 16 months of ttc will do that to you too lol! Aw glad you had a nice walk in the snow today. We enjoyed it from the flat 😂 legs are still aching from yesterday's walk, must get more fit this year! I used to be but lockdowns have made me lazy 😳

@notyetamumbuttrying I was doing really well in lockdown until October. I lost weight just sitting at home (fewer snacks and coffees probably) and then started personal training ahead of our very small wedding in October. Since then it’s all gone to pot lol

I’m using clear blue fertility monitor and temping because I couldn’t get on with OPKs, they just didn’t pick anything up for me when I tried when we first started (probably at the very start in late 2019). I’m hoping the monitor will work next month once it calibrates and the temps will tell me I ovulated. Got my sad and very brief showing of EWCM late last night so it’ll be the next few days hopefully, so maybe more like CD16.

I’m annoyed today. Got my July fertility tests from the doctor. There’s a clear note on there saying “if truly day 21 then consistent with defective luteal function”. Now I knew they said this because I’d spoken to the doctor but the note is on there and the receptionist still told me “fine” when I called after the tests, so I didn’t follow up for months. Lesson learned but I’m glad I have my AMH and scan this week to build a better picture because I’m really worried about perimenopause and hoping the consultant can put my mind at ease next week. My husband also has his results in writing so will need to double check those too.

I know the feeling about wanting to move. Love London and an from here but I could do with a change right now. Good luck with your flat sale! If it wasn’t for all this I might have stuck our house on the market, but I want to keep my maternity package and hope it works out.