Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Why does life have to be so hard? If this was 2 months ago everyone would be congraulating me and i'd be over the moon?

Its like a no win situation for both of us.. I just keep concentrating on ive done it once i can do it again..

Ive had to wait to see my actual GP coz the other one winds me up.

My 12 week scan is 16th November.. which is to the day when ill be 12 weeks.. so will wait and see til then!!

Has your Hubbie said any more since the scan??

Hogwart and Sparkle: ou are both doing so well. the fact that you are talking about it is a really positive thing, and will help you no end. truly it will.
I shut my self away, literally. didnt speak to anyone, turned of my phone... REALLY bad way to do it. made me feel worse for sure. but i couldn't face talking to a soul... wish now, that i had. SO you two are making good steps.

I did feel so different as soon as I saw the bean on the scan. I know just what you mean about hoping it may have all been a mistake.. but having thought id already lost her to find i hadnt, kind of changed how i felt about it. it was a strange feeling. OS tarnished by worry about how i was going to tell him.

keep going how you are. and HOgwart, I strongly strongly advise you to talk to a friend, or even just you mum. you dont need to make a full announcement to the world yet. lots of people dont until they have the 12 weeks scan do they? s its a fair excuse if you tell people after,they'll understand if you give that as a reason..

If you talk to your mum, r a friend i think you will feel SO much better.I really do. I know I did. You cannot go through this alone sweetheart, without having someone to give you a real cuddle. please think about telling someone you are close to? i worry that you are internalizing far too much, you have so much going on in your mind, you will feel better for off loading a bit of it love.

hope you are both ok today. let us know hey? and we are all here for you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Susie xx

Im up and down all over the place today.. Bumped into his boss in marks and sparks.. and i think im paranoid as he made a massive effort to say hello (this bloke never normally batters an eyelid at me)

I want someone to tell him to start acting like a man.. He was taking responsibility til the wobbly trout got involved. urgh urgh urgh i feel like my heart has been pulled out and torn apart and now they're stomping on it

Sparkle, it will get better truly it will...

I was just lying here thinking, i'm here with the same back pain i had exactly a year ago. I am so sore it makes me cry, but a year ago i was pregnant, in hospital, in utter agony,depressed, sobbing and alone.i was so devastated. i was dealing with my problems, and grieving for the loss of my relationship.

This time, I am lying here now, with my gorgeous Isobel, playing on the floor, smiling at me. laughing and clapping. Giving me cuddles and kissed, making me feel so much better.

I have Dh home tomorrow night for the weekend. He's coming home to look after me and our girl. He just called to say how excited he was to be coming to be with us for 3 nights.

I didnt believe i'd be here, like this. ( of course - the bad back! ) I didnt think i'd ever be so happy. I have to accept and put up with a hell of alot still, but, its ok. its getting better, week by week.

I did start anti depressants too. I relented after she was born. it was when we were waiting for her hip diagnoses. I knew i didnt have the emotional reserve to deal with anything else. I do now wish i'd considered them when i was pregnant. just like you two, i had SO much to deal with. it really does help you know. that and councelling.. have you thought abut that at all? I was SO against it, but did go , and did feel better for it too...

keep posting hey, like i said, we are all here. If you want any other advice and maybe dont want to post you can mail me, anytime. just ask for my add...

Thank you.. I just feel lik eim talking total shit most days.. its like everyone has there own problems and heres me thinking my whole world is coming to an end.

Loads of people on this site have been trying for so long to concieve and theres me pregnant twice with contraception and 2 different fathers who have both turned out to be complete wankers!

Its hard at work seeing him he laughed at me coz i went for a cigarette at work and he just laughed as if to say and youre doing that but i cant give up yet i too stressed i have cut down then.

Do you mind me asking how you forgave your DH i dont think ill ever forgive him for this he could promise he'd never talk to the ugly one again and would be there for me 200% and id just think it was lies.

Sparkle - it must be so hard having to see him at work. I know it can't be easy but just try to blank him. If you have to speak to him about something work-related just keep it short & business-like, just treat him like all your other colleagues & if he laughs, comments etc ignore it. FWIW when I left ex-h it was because he was having an affair with what I thought was my best friend. It was so hard seeing them together, knowing that when my dds were at his house she was there & hearing them talking about him & her when they came home. It does get better though - as time goes on it matters less & less. You just concentrate on you, your dc & your little bean.

Hogwarts - I am so at your H saying he'd hoped it was a mistake. I know you say you love him & that you can't help how you feel but he so doesn't deserve to have you. After having his affair forgiven (and I know how hard that is - I forgave ex-h's infidelity twice but found I couldn't do it a third time - all with different 'women') he's now treating you like this? He doesn't deserve to lick your boots (and if he ever tries to please kick him in the teeth). You really have to tell someone in RL - preferably your mum. She's bound to have sussed something is up & it might come as a relief to her to know what it is - she could be thinking all sorts. Just explain truthfully why you haven't told her sooner as I'm sure she'll understand. If you're worried about ruining her good opinion of your H you shouldn't be as he doesn't deserve anyone's good opinion at the moment.

Sorry that was so long girls - take care, both of you.

Sparkle, i forgave him because of a few things.. its not been easy though.
The main being that as i've chosen to stay with him, to continue our lives together with our daughter, i had no choice but to forgive him really. Its too destructive if i hadn't. there would be no point, i'd be constantly making him 'pay' for what he did, we would never move on and forward. I doesnt mean i've forgotten though... if i never let it go, it would just become a terrible underlying thing, constantly there, in the back ground, chipping away at everything that was left. does that make sense?

SO many people say he doesnt deserve it, he doesnt deserve to be forgiven. but, he was confused, depressed, had so many things happening in his mind. I'm not excusing it at all, but just as i had my problems, he had his too. He had no control over what was happening, i was having a baby he wasnt sure he wanted is the bottom line.

He is still here, we are together, he is being a brilliant dad and as for being my partner, well, we are getting there, he's getting better at it and I do love him SO very much.

It takes alot of strength, all of which i didnt think i had. but like i said before, i really think so much of my strength came, and still do come, from my baby girl. SHe's my biggest motivation in all this. and i guess, the most important thing really too.

just popped in to say hi and see how everyone's doing...

nothing useful to say except

bump

The silly girl has contacted my mate again saying.. what do you suggest i take it you agree with her?

Well after she's slated single parents she needs to take a long hard look at herself.
Ive decided im going to completely ignore the Not so Dear Ex and just send him the scan picture then maybe he'll have an ounce of decency and realise my bean is growing??

Hello,

Just popping into say Hello and give big to Hogwarts have been watching the thread and you sound so much stronger I really hope it works out for you and glad that you are able to chat to ladies who understand what your going through on here. I still think you should confide in someone in RL so that they can give you a proper hug.

Really hope it works out for you. x

Im seriously upset today.. don't know if its the hormones or the fact that girl is so Narrow Minded. She sent another message to my mate (have told my mate not to bother replying) and either she's a div and he's filling her head full of lies or she is a narrow minded nasty little madam.

Hogwarts how are you feeling? Hows the symptoms have you got bad morning sickness or anything? I feel like im going to die on a daily basis and forgot how much my body doesn't like pregnancy.

Ironically I have no morning sickness this time at all. Felt a bit bokey when I first found out but nothing since, no temder boobs, same tiredness as I always have. Was very sick with past 2 pregnancies. In fact, had I not done pg test I would not know that I was pregnant, the lack of periods might have given it away but having had mirena coil for a couple of years I got used to not having any periods.

A few developments... I told my best friend yesterday. She was very supportive, mad that I hadn't told her and had kept it to myself for the past 6 weeks. Said she knew something was up but would never have guessed what. Didnt really get to talk to her properly as DH and kids were about, I was sitting in her car out the front of our house talking to her. I thought I would feel better for telling a RL person, but I don't , but why?? She means well but her texting every 5 mins to see if I am ok is doing my head in, I'm feeling too antisocial at the minute, I don't want to talk to the world, nor it to me. DH doesnt know I have told her. I would like him to talk to someone though, for them to tell him what a b**stard he is being.

2nd development - I seriously think I am in the middle of a complete nervous breakdown. Apologies to anyone who has had one, but I do believe any day now I am going to crack. I truely cannot take anymore. I can't cope with this pressure any more, I can't decide whether I want to have this child or not, whether I can go through with a termination or not, can't cope with DH speaking to me one minute and not the next, can't cope with living any longer with my parents, can't keep up the happy persona in front of people anymore, I just want to scream and cry and lie in a room on my own, I can't cope with keeping this whole damn thing a secret any longer. I wish it had never happened to me. Earlier I stood at the top of the stairs and thought, If i just throw myself down here then that will be the end of all my problems, the baby won't survive. Of course it wouldn't be the end of my problems, I know that, but at the time it felt like it would and that scares me, I'm normally a very stable person. I can't eat, I can't sleep, people talk to me but I can't listen, I don't know what day it is, I can't concentrate on anything, I can't think of anything apart from this mess.

Sorry for the long depressing post. I know that there are people out there far worse off than me but today, it feels like my whole world has come down around me.

oh hogwarts, ((((hugs))))
it sounds like you are depressed - medically etc i mean. I had this through (stressful) pregnancies, and am still having treatment for PND. The things you are describing are exactly the thoughts of a very depressed person. Please remember that your children need their mum, not that you can cope with the idea of being 'needed' just now, i guess? There is a lot of insight in your post, and still to put this so eloquently, whilst feeling as cr@p as you do, is a positive thing - in that you have a really good understanding of what is going on... can you be brave enough to go and share this with your GP or midwife? We all think we're being silly or purely have lost the motivation to be bothered doing anything when in a situation like this, well i certainly did. Counselling or support from somewhere might help, what do u think?
Just please keep talking here, you still have lots of real friends in a 'virtual' place (with lots of funny names this time of year..)

Oh Hogwarts, I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this without the support of your husband.

I think that you didn't feel any better when you told your friend because you can't help but connect everything about this pregnancy with the situation at home (well, one is a result of the other) and until everything gets sorted out, they will be one and the same.

I think that you have been very brave TBH, having read the thread but not commented before now. I cannot believe that your husband would speak to you how he has or think that it is acceptable to treat you like this. You are supposed to be someone that he loves!

I can't help but think that you are feeling the way you are due to the uncertainty at such a wobbly time. You need to know what is going on. The back/forth, hot/cold is unfair on you. I couldn't stand to be living in limbo and trying to get on with my life as well.

I would say that your DH needs to make a decision because living like this is not doing you any favours. He needs to either live up to the consequences of his actions and be a father again, properly. Or he needs to just leave. I think that having some sort of certainty might do you good.

At least you have MN!

Oh Hogwarts, I have come across your thread and have been sat here for well over 40 mins reading it all. Even the poor kids have had their tea late tonight because of it lol!!

I don't have anything new or inspiring to put as everyone else has already said it. However, I just needed to say that your DH and mine have alot of similarities. I got pg back in 1999 with then DP and and it was a huge shock. He too said that he in no way wanted it etc and after getting to 12 weeks I finally succumbed and had a termination. I thought I would hate him forever BUT I didn't. In fact looking back it was the right thing to do even though I wasn't sure of it. We then went on to get married and have two beautiful kids (both planned!) and things are great.

Sounds all very rosy etc but those 8 weeks were hell hun & I know all too well the feelings you are going through. You are much braver than I was back then and I think you are amazing. Do what is right FOR YOU and if that means keeping the baby then do just that. Things work out one way or another, and if it is being alone with your 3 beautiful children then you go for it. You will get help & support and if DH does leave then you are better off without him.

My DH is adament that we are to have no more children which is not my ideal choice but thats ok. However, will he have the snip?? Will he bo**ks!! So annoying it really is.

Stay strong and follow your heart. Do not seek approval from people who will not/cannot give it and instead turn to yourself for the approval and strength you need. You will have everything you need in yourself. People wil follow your lead and example and if they see a strong confident person then they will be far more happy for you. If they see you unhappy/depressed then they will try to make you think about a termination so that they can see the old you come back iykwim. It may even rub off on your DH if he sees you postive and planning ahead and it may put some of his fears aside.

I will keep this thread on watch and check in to see how things are doing. BIG BIG hugs, wish I could come and help you. Lots of love Debs xxx

Thanks Debs, its good to hear from someone who has has a termination and sees it as a positive. I guess though, this thread is on a conception board so obviously all the advice will point towards keeping the baby. Its taken me a long time to realsize that.
DH is very much for a termination, thinks its the right decision at this time and that yes, I will have regrets but will see that its the right choice for us as a family. I can't help thinking that its the right choice for him, not us as a family. Its such a big decision to make, who knows what is right and what is wrong. I saw my GP today,(DH came with me)and discussed it again with him. As I am now 10 weeks he said I will need to make a decision pretty much this week/next week if I can. He was supportive for both options but said that I would need to be 100% sure it was what I wanted for a temination and that I didn't need to be 100% sure to go ahead with preganancy, that would happen when baby arrived. He offered to sign me off work for a few weeks, at the minute its easier to go, keep up the "normal" facade. I plan to take some time off over half term so might get him to sign me off then, save my leave and tell everyone I am on leave. I told Dr that I just wished some one would make the decision for me, in some ways (and I apologise in advance) it would be better all round if I miscarried then the decision was out of my hands. I know that this is a really horrible thing to say when there are people trying so hard to conceive and people having miscarriages when they so desperately want their baby but I can't help my feelings.

Thank you all for the amazing support I have had from here. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, I truely wish you all the best TTC, in different circs I wouldn't feel this way.

There are alot of what if's when you are making this huge decision which i am sure you are aware of . DO you think your relationship will survive which ever choice you make , all i know is regretting something as big as this is is a hard thing to live with on a daily basis ,your DR is so right you need to be 100% .I went ahead with my third pregnancy & i am so glad i did but the relationship did not survive which i wrote in my previous thread .I had a termination in my late teens & i am still not over it i can relieve that day like it was yesterday but at the time i felt it was the only path i could go down.So i totally understand the turmoil you are in, just do what feels right for you .You will make the right decision

Will I pennlope1? I don't think that I will. I don't think I can make a decision. I'm such an indecisive person. No matter what decision I choose its got major consequences, I lose either way. I wish someone would come along with a magic wand and make the decision for me.

I know if life was only that easy hey ! You are so right you lose either way all i would say is that you will find the inner strength to decide & once you have you can start living again & stop exsisting. Its easy for me to just sit at my desk &type a message to you but i am sending you all my good wishes x

Hi Hogwarts

I've been following your thread too, i really feel for you, what a rock and a hard place you are in, I understand your burden.

It sounds like it's all grinding you down and that's what's making your decision harder. I think your gp's advice was very good about being a 100% sure about the termination. If you do it for anyoneother than yourself i think it would be wrong.
I'm no expert, but to me it sounds like very controlling behaviour from your dh, you made the conception together and now need to come to a decision together. This is hard to say as I don't want to hurt or complicate matters but your self esteem sounds very low, If it was high I'm sure you would just do what you want and not worry about what anyone else says or thinks, I'm scared for you in some ways as if you make a decision that is more for dh than you, you could get into a worse relationship anyway, he may start demanding other things or as I'm sure you've thought of maybe your dh could leave you regardless.

I think barmymummy's advice was good, but i have a close friend (same history) who thinks about her termination everyday. I understand the miscarriage thought too, but having had those you think about them everyday too, so It probably wouldn't be the solution either.

I'm not TTC but honestly if I was you, and I maybe wanted the baby more than 50.5% I'd keep it.

i really think you should talk to your family or your friend again, before you make your decision it will make it all easier now and in the future to have someone to talk about it with.

Stay strong hun

Hi Hogwarts, things are still pretty rotten for you aren't they? (((Hugs)))

I'd just like to make a little addition to Penelope's positive termination story. You see, I have had two terminations. The first one, the one I felt hideously pressured into and bitterly regretted which gave me PTSD and spiralling depression. The second one, when DD was still a baby, which DH and I both wanted. I have no regrets.

Right now, you sound like me before the first one, not the second. You're hiding, just like I did. You've told hardly anyone and you don't want to discuss it any further with the one close friend you have told. Are you afraid of letting out your true feelings? Please reach out to your family and friends and really tell them how you feel. If it's all too much to speak it out loud then send them to this thread, print out a few of your posts for them to read, whatever. I know it's hard to talk about comtemplating a termination, but I really think you need some more support from RL people to be sure of making the decision that's best for you.

hogwarts, you've had so much good advice here I've little to add except my support and fervent hope that you don't allow your husband to persuade you to have a termination you don't want.

He said it was your decision. A loving husband and man of honour means that and when his wife says she doesn't want a termination he accepts that and begins to look forward to the new addition to the family and tries his best to put his misgivings aside. THAT's what respecting your right to make this decision means.

It is not respecting your decision to threaten to leave you if you make the decision he doesn't favour. It is not respecting your decision to try to emotionally bully you into doing what he wants at a time when you're so fragile.

The way he's carrying on you'd swear he wants you to be grateful he didn't drag you physically to an abortion clinic to have an abortion against your will.

You mention that of course you'd get this kind of advice on a conception messageboard. But that's where you chose to look for advice. People tend to seek advice where they think they will get the most sympathetic hearing and get the advice they are really hoping for.

Please, please talk to your best friend about this some more. You are really terribly isolated right now and your husband is behaving in a very controlling and bullying way. Your perspective seems very compromised, which is not a good thing when you're trying to make such an important decision.

keeping u in my thoughts, hogs.
Understand the miscarry theory - have actually been there ...got pg at time when it was horrendous for us as a family, i still had pnd from previous pg, and because of a medical condition i need treatment before conception and during pg. I chose not to get the treatment - i could have done as soon as found BFP. termination by default, as it were.
Not actually any better route than the others you have - let's face it i don't think there is any "good" option for how you are feeling just now. You can go for what you think is the one for you and tbh nobody else matters. It's time to look after number one now, cos nobody else seems to be stepping forward at the moment.
Keep strong, ma girl.
(((((more hugs))))

Hi i have made very few posts on mumsnet and then i had a different name, but i lurk.
I have just read this entire thread, some of it i have read out loud to my DH. He is appalled by your H behavior as am i.
I asked my DH what we would do if we found out we were expecting and unplanned fourth, we live in one room at my mothers house at the moment so it wouldn't be great, BUT he said we would find a way to cope and any decision we made we would make as a couple.
Your husband is telling you that it is your mess and he wants you to clear it up because if you don't and he leaves it will be your fault, in fact it all seems to be your fault in his eyes. I think you really need to concentrate on you right now, but you are worrying about what everyone will think/ do when they find out. While you have this fear hanging over you you can't even BE pregnant if you see what i mean.
Could you tell people, your family? If they know then you won't have to worry about hiding it and acting normal. You never know they may surprise you and be supportive. Even if they aren't you will have one less thing to worry about. You could spend a few days being pregnant and nothing else, sorry i don't think this is making much sense.
I think part of your husbands power in this is fear, he has you fearing what he will do, what people will say.
When your mother asks how long your know and why you didn't say something tell her it was unplanned, you were in shock, you still don't know what you are going to do. If she won't support you then at least you know and can look at things knowing the facts.
I am sorry this is all very garbled, it made more sense in my head. I just wanted to say that me and my DH are wishing you the best. You said that you lose either way but you aren't sure you'll keep your husband even if you do have a termination, if you keep the baby you win a baby that i think is the only certainty at the moment.
Please feel free to ignore this long rambling post.