Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Just want to wish you luck for this afternoon Hogwarts - I'll be out most of the day so will check in when I get back.

I'll be thinking of you

Morning All,

well the night out didnt go as planned. DH got drunk and got straight into the "I don't want this baby" conversation. I told him that I felt he was bullying me, he def doesnt see it that way. He, not in so many words, said that we couldn't stay together if we had this baby, the house (which isn't yet finished)would have to go up for sale, etc etc. I told him that I couldn't understand him as he blew hot and cold, ie one minute was all quiet, didnt want to talk to me about things, then the next he fancies the pants off me and well, ahem you can work that bit out! I have told him that having this baby isn't what I want, especially in these circumstances but that I cannot live with having a termination. Does he want me to be mentally unstable for the rest of my life because he wanted me to have a termination. He said that he wouldn't be telling people his news as it was not something he was happy about and he wouldn't act happy when people asked him about it. i told him that was fine, he would look ike a dickhead, not me. This conversation went on to the point that my main course arrived and I didnt even pick up the fork, I'd gone off the idea of eating and felt sick. I don't know how much of the conversation was the drink talking but they do say the truth comes out when the drinks in. It wasn't mentioned the yesterday apart from me saying that I was worried about this scan today, afraid of seeing it for "real".

So, the scan is this afternoon. I have concocted a pile of lies so that my mum will collect the kids from school. I am going on my own, starting to feel nervous already. I might not get the chance to get on later to let you know how it goes, so don't panic if I don't come back. I will update you tomorrow morning from work.

Please hold my hand at 245, I need you all.

Hogwarts - fingers crossed for you this afternoon.. your weekend sounds as eventful as mine - minus the hanky panky!!

Ive had rude texts screaming matches the shabang one minute he'll support me and the baby the next he's guilt tripping me into terminating.. so for now he's being ignored!

take a really big bag.. ill fit in it lol.

Hogwarts I have been reading though your thread aver the last few weeks I am 11 weeks with my Second DC which was planned. I do feel for you and just wanted to say be strong and do what is best for you and your children as thats is the most important thing! Good luck this afternoon I do hope your bud is ok x

Thanks for the messages of support. I feel so sick, really nervous, have had the runs all morning (sorry TMI) and generally a nervous wreck. DH has been on the phone twice and hasn't even mentioned it

Good luck, hogy You're doing really-really well! Try to concentrate on your well-being and the well-being of your DC.

Don't think about your H (I won't be calling him "dear", sorry). He does not behave like a husband, a friend or a man for that matter.

Next time he throws "I won't be around if you have this child" - I'd say "Great, can I have that in writing? Cuz that's a favor that you'd be doing to my children and I and I want to make sure it's well documented."

Can't wait for your scan! I'm hanging by a thread that's coming out of your bag's handles... wow - it's crowded here!

Just a quickie as getting DC to bed....

I hope you weren't all to cramped in the bag earlier, that 45 min wait was a killer for me and I wasn't in my handbag lol!!

Scan went ok, dates are spot on, 9 weeks today, EDD 12 May. Bean was ok, saw a heart beating away and there was only one, thank goodness! Didnt get a picture, she said they wouldn't be very clear at this stage as so small.

OMG - It's real, I'm pregnant and I'm having a baby.

DH didnt come, did ring me before hand though to check if I was ok. I texted him when I got out and he rang immediately. He said he had hoped that it was all a mistake and that we could get back to normal. I've made an appointment for my GP on Friday (are you impressed?!).

Have to go, DD has escaped from bed. I will nip back on in the morning when I get into work. Just wanted to let you all know briefly how it went. Thanks for the support, I did think of you all when I was in the waiting room surrounded by couples.

hi hogwarts i read all your messages & i totally know what you are going through! So glad all was well with your scan & a big congratulations to you . MY life was exactly like that six years ago when i had a BFP my dh reacted the same way i had no ante natel support from him at all it was the darkest time ,i kept thinking everything would workout ,as like you i loved him but even when dd arrived nothing changed.In the end i couldn't continue so i told him it was over i didn't think it was fair being punished day in day out on going ahead with my 3 pregnancy ,he had the shock of his life ,couldn't believe it but after three years of hell something snapped he now is exdh!! I am now very happy with dh2 who i met a year later we had our dd in feb 07 and we are a very happy family the six of us [pics are on my profile] .I truly hope your dh wakes up and realises how lucky he is having you but you will have the inner strength to get through this !!!!

Just read the whole thread!! (well, maybe missed a bit here and there)

Hogwarts -
Your dh needs to grow up. He does not sound like a keeper.

Why are you so worried about the effect your life has on others? This whole bridesmaid thing is minor. You said that your future SIL and you are not close, and your brother is also quite selfish -would it really be skin off your nose if you are not bridesmaid (if they don't like the idea of a pg bridesmaid)?

Darlin, You have been through a very rough time, and tbh, I wonder if your confidence has really come back after the affair? Have you been to see someone about that? You have put your health in jeopardy, your mind is in tatters, your relationship seems to be skating on very thin ice, and you don't have many people in RL to talk to (did you lose alot of friends over the affair?)

Please go see someone, - just a regular counsellor. Look after yourself - someone has to you know, and no-one else is stepping up.

GOOD LUCK

Again, I don't mean to be so harsh, but

good to hear about the bean on scan. and glad we all came with you. Lets hope huge bags stay in fashion till next summer then.

I'm starting to get very very at your H (and LOL, good one Kate he doesn't deserve D!) he is being such a pr4t. He thinks he's got problems?? try lending him your world for a bit, he might figure out how easy his seems to be. I'm starting to think {not my place i know} that u are better off without the hassle of his moods. He's acting like he has the pregnancy hormones taking his head over (hehe we all know about that for real tho, what's his excuse?)

How the #@/$## are you still working in the middle of all of this?? are you superwoman or what?? Must be.
catch u 2moro.

Sparkle! get a different phone!!

hogwarts, I am glad to read your health is good!

i hope you find strength from some of the posts on here and proof that you can do well.

HI hogwarts. Just been reading most of this thread... brought back some incredibly painful memories. ok, so this is going to be long... So sorry but i feel it very relevant to you... sounds to me like your head is exactly where mine was at, and your Dh is exaactly where my Dh's head was at too.

was on the pill... discovered i was pg... DH wanted me to terminate... wrong timing etc.. > not sure how pg i was due to pill so was sent for scan... I went to my dating scan not knowing what to think, other than, like you, i didnt think i could ever live with myself if i had a termination. gut feeling? wanted to have the baby. Went alone... couldnt find a heart beat, but judging by measurements was between 8-10 weeks pg.
They thought that 'it' had already died.i was GUTTED
I was told to go back in 2 weeks. and most likely nature would take its course in that time. I was devastated. I told Dh who had not wanted a baby 'at this time'.... he was relieved.

after a few days,I was relieved too, as i didnt need to think about the options anymore, it had been decided for me. we talked more (he worked away in the week at the time) and i said to him that due to how i was feeing, if it turned out they were wrong, then i would have a termination anyway, as surely it was not natural to be s relieved. He said he would be with me and support me through 'that procedure' ( because it was what he wanted)

SO, two weeks passed and i had mixed feelings again. I was so nervous... went alone to the scan and... there was the heart beating. my little bean. I was so overwhelmed. I knew from that moment there was no choice to be made. I was going to be a mummy. with or without him.

SO.. I met mum for a coffee later that day, and she was the first person i told. ( i couldn't get hold of him) as soon as it came out of my mouth, the relief was SO overwhelming. ( just to back track slightly, until this point no -one except my wonderful sister had been supportive in me having the baby. they all felt it best, considering DH response that i terminated. as i have some health issues and they felt i would not cope alone... the way they all then treated me ( hushed voices at family sunday lunch when i was out of the room...anyone would have thought i was 16 and 'knocked up on the back of the bus' by someone i didnt know!! the bastards, i found it v diffiuclt to forgive them for it, despite that they were actually thinking of me.. ) anyway, as soon as i told her, she was also relieved and said she knew i would do nothing else but have the baby, and she couldnt have either.. her 'opinion' had come from her husband ( step dad)
I told DH later that day. he was gutted. but eventually muttered something about, we;ll be ok, we'll get though it and sort something out... ???

SO, Dh left. went back up to work, didnt contact me for a week or so. called occasionally after that.... this went on for a while. we talked but didnt see each other. he stopped coming home for the weekend. eventually, we went away for a weekend. neutral territory. We had a fab weekend away, ended up being a dirty weekend in fact...

thought all was ok.. it was for a bit... then he went off again. 'freaked out, confused' etc...

This basically went on throughout my pg. He didnt come to the 20 weeks scan. there was a strong possibility the baby was going to have serious deformities not compatible with life as i had taken some medication v early on which could do this ( before i knew was pg of course. )
I need his support that day, he didnt turn up.found out it was a little girl and that She was going to be fine. called to tell hi the news... he didnt answer. told him he would have one of each now, and how lovely it would be ( he has an older son from a past marriage whom his ex witch doesnt let him see... huge contributing part of his emotional probs and played a part in how and why he felt like he did about this)

Anyway, I knew he was very depressed and having a break down. I knew i loved him. I told him i wasnt going anywhere and i'd support him and that i wanted 'him' back. I knew he was still in there and that once the baby was here, he'd be happy. i just knew he would. he didnt believe me.

I continued somehow to find strength and to tell him ) all via text as by this time he had stopped answering my calls... ) that i loved him, and i was still here. he couldnt push me away as i woudlnt let him.

gradually he came home from time to time, and things were always great when we were together. but i couldnt 'be pregnant' around him, ie. i didnt feel i could talk about any of it. my fears, my hopes, how the bump was growing, nothing. it was awful. but, essentially we were happy when together. hard to understand i'm sure, for anyone reading, but, we just were. he wold never touch my loely bump. or ask how things were going. BUT, at night, when he thought i was asleep, she'd kick him in the back, and he's pat her.. and poke her, and she'd kick him back. he'd never admit ot it though in the morning...

So, I had faith he would be ok eventually. He then vanished again...hen at 26 weeks, i was admitted having contractions. i called him to give him chance to be there, he was working in N wales. he said he'd drive straight down. we told him to hold off for an hour or so to see what Dr said. it was contractions for sure. was admitted. called him back.. didnt answer phone. He kept it switched off for over a week. not knowing if i'd had the baby or not. ( i didnt at this time, they went off after 3 days)

then, we sorted things AGAIN... all ok for a month or so... then... he didnt come home for my birthday. said he'd be home at christmas for sure. I bought him pressies stocking, the works. I had been in and out of hospital btw from 22 weeks with prolapsed disc in back and horrendous pain, so had V V rough pregnancy.

He didnt come home for christmas. to say i was devastated is not the word... for any of it actually!

Anyway, boxing day, i was admitted as the pain was too unbearable. all his pressies were still under the tree at home. heart breaking
I was admitted and then they decided to induce me as my baby was not growing well and i couldnt move to even pee. The date was set for induction. i left him messages to tell him everything. but by this time i didnt want him to be there. but i felt it important for him to know and to have the chance to be there ( in the hope it would make a difference) he arrived on the morning she was born, i'd been contracting ALL night... v bad prostin contractions, then went in to natural labour in the morning.
8 oclock was not dilating at all and booked for c-section. by 10am was 3 cm... by 12 i was 7 cm...he got there at 12.15. I had out daughter at 13.30 he was there, he cut the cord.

He was a changed man...

she was tiny weeny and in NNU for 3 weeks.
she had lots of probs and i was terrified he'd do a runner agin at the responsibility, he didnt, he was fantastic.

then at 12 weeks we were hit with more bad news bout her having inherited my hip problems.. agian, i wsa terrified that he would not come home.. he did, and was again fantastic support.

She is now 9 months old:

He still works away in the week, but has only missed about 5 or 6 weekends since she was born. He has fucked up a few times when he's felt things on top of him again, and not answered phone for a few days at a time.but... on whole is the man i fell in love with.

we are a happy little family. ( oh, except he's fucked up again this weekend and i've not heard from him since friday.. . i'm devastated at the moment about it... just work pressure and money got on top of him.. and i'm in bad way with back. he had to work the weekend so couldnt get home and feels guilty about letting me down, so just ignores the phone until he feels stronger again... i do think fucking wanker, but i also know its his way of coping and he'll be back.. not easy though.)

ANYWAY.... we ARE happy now. he is the most devoted daddy to our DD. she is a real daddies girl. I lvoe him more than ever. we have even talked about having another baby if my back ever gets better... and of course when he can get his job back down here... hes a wonderful daddy, he's everything and more that i knew he could and would be with out daughter.

it has worked out for us. we are still fragile, i'll not lie to you. it takes alot to really put that behind me... for me to trust he wont leave me like that again. we have to work at things, but not at being parents. well, no more than anyone else does... we love our girl. he ADORES her.

What you have to do now, is go on with this like you are going to do it alone. Find your strength from within, i firmly believe it came from my baby. I also believe she was what gave me faith in him she was what made me never give up on him.. your baby will also give you the strength to cope trust me . If you plan it all as though you will be alone, then if you are able to work things through, it will be even better.. but you will be SO much stronger for it.

really thinking of you SO much.lots and lots of love to you and that little bean growing in you belly you CAN do this. with or without him. its is what you want, i can tell from all your posts... go with you instincts , find that strength and grow as a woman, as well as growing your baby!

please please feel free to emial me anytime if you need any advice.. i did SO much research into everything i needed to know about being a lone parent. ask me for my addy if you do want to talk. I have been EXACTLY where you are now, so really can help.. if you have the need...

Ok i'm sorry iv gone on and on and on... the longest post ever on MN??? I hope it makes some sense??? i know i've left some slightly un finished sentences... oops....

Susie, I'm glad your pregnancy turned out ok and that your DD is doing well, despite her early and difficult arrival. Your DH should be very lucky to have you, still supporting him after the way he has behaved. Why are men like this? Why do they think they are the only ones who have problems?

I hate this situation, I hate the way its going to be, I hate that it has happened, I hate the fact that I am facing single parenthood, I hate the fact DH is acting like a w@nker, today I hate everything. Did I mention that I'm in a bad mood today?

Giggle - I have to go to work, God knows I can't do much when I am here as my head is all over the plave but I need some sort of "normal". To stay at home would mean sitting in my parents house and they would ask questions. We are moving home this weekend (all being well) and I may just take next week off sick to sit in my house and take some time to come to terms with this mess.

Sorry for being grumpy today. Normal service should resume later.

hogskeep all your mn supporters in your bag and take a look each time u feel really cr@p. Know what u mean about working, but here's to throwing that sickie next week and get some "me time". You're doing well tho, take care 2day.

Susie's post gave me goose-bumps all over, just hope things work out for both of u.

well, we are working through it all. I didnt think i'd ever see the day when he cuddles his daughter. I went through that preganancy hoping, praying, wishing and dreaming it would all be ok. of course though, in my mind over and over i thought, it wont happen to me, it wont be ok for me.. i just hoped though. and put my faith in the fact that he was fundamentally a good man and our love was there in the first place... we could and would find it again, i was determined...

the first minute i saw him holiding her, and looking into her little eyes, i could see my lovely man back again. he wsa there, standing in the room with me. holding OUR girl.

everytime i take a picture of them together i think, how that may never have happened....

like i say, we have to work hard, i've a hell of alot of buried emotions in here... i've had to let them go for now. I am going to start councelling again soon, to learn how to deal with them before they do becaome a problem and before they do chip away at our relationship. SO hard though... i wanted him, but felt he didn deserve our love at all... it wsa so confusing.

Anyway... gone on again..

i am thinking about you. I truly hope you have the outcome YOU want. whatever that may be.

xx

how's it going, hogwarts?
hope to hear from u soon

Hog, hope you're doing well.

You are SOOOO strong!

Hope to hear from you soon.

I'm ok thanks, still don't feel pregnant. Maybe its denial? Havent really seen (D)H to discuss things as he has been working overtime all week and is now away on a 2 day residential course. With that in mind I have changed my Dr appointment from tomorrow morning to Wednesday morning. Can't believe I will be 10 weeks by then!
Still very mixed feelings, not sure what I do and don't want. My bestfriend knows something is up, keeps asking what's wrong with me, I told her (by text) that I couldn't tell her just yet but might call around at weekend. Dreading telling my family, they will want to know why I haven't done so before now. How on earth do I bring it up in conversation?

How are you lot keeping, Sparkle how are things with you?

Hogwarts, I can't believe what you H said to you when you got out the scan MEN, TUT!!!!

Will he definately leave, or do you think he will come around???

I truely, honestly don't know. I wish I did, but at the minute I have to accept worse case scenario, that he will leave. I guess deep down I hope he comes around to the idea but at the minute he is adament that he won't. Despite everything I do love him. I know you all think I am nuts but .....

No not at all. Why would you stop loving him. It's just the way he feels and you can't help that any more than he can. Though I think he is BU about the whole thing refusing to even discuss it, or try to accept it, after all it was his fault too.
I think it is harsh to lay it all on your doorstop tho and give ultimatums, but I think you are being very brave and strong.

Thanks, I don't feel brave or strong though. Just an emotional wreck!

To be blunt Shit would be the best word to use right now. I just feel like i want the entire world to open up and swallow me up.

Eventually spoke to him last Friday and he came round to the idea wanted to see me it was all fine.. Then he goes round to tell his new/old whatever she is i dont like her girlfriend.. Apparently Laura is gutted i couldnt care less if she's gutted or not.. And then i get this phone call still harping on about a termination.. i told him i see it as murdering my child.. which i do.. no offense to anyone whos had one its just my view sorry . Apparently according to them its just a ball of cells so i can have a termination.. UP TO 24 WEEKS.. You can tell they've never had kids.. they dont deserve to

So then my mate decides she wants this idiots view so sends her a message and she comes back word for word exactly what the Ex has said in a text after seeing her.. so now im thinking its her putting her foot down.. He doesnt want the baby i do.. I can't cope with being on my own again at 25 and i just wish everyone would give me an answer and fix my problems.

Im going to my GP next week.. one coz this sickness is getting beyond a joke and i need something before i collapse.. ive lost over half a stone but i think thats stress related and im all over the place like a freak.

Susie - i have an awful lot of respect for you.. You sound like a very strong lady!

Hoggie - You hang in there you're doing so well.. Does it feel any easier now reality has hit and you've seen the baby?

No, not at all, worse in fact. It was easier to cope with thinking it may be a mistake. Hope all goes well with your dr.