Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Everything else aside.

Here's the bottom line, hogwarts:

YOUR HUSBAND IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AND YOU ARE VERY LIKELY CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.

You need to see your GP immediately, because if you feel you are about to have a nervous breakdown you are not in a position to be 100% sure about a decision like termination.

And you need to see the GP alone because he/she needs to understand that you are being abused.

This man is emotionally ABUSING you.

It's normal to be depressed as a result.

You are so much stronger than you even know!

Do you realise how many women on here have come through relationships like this?

How many have been really at rock bottom but they survived.

And you can and will, too.

But you must know that this is not a healthy marriage.

His actions show he has NO respect for you or even his family, because he doesn't give a toss that his wife doesn't want a termination, is depressed and the possible consequences to the family he has chosen to create.

Please contact Women's Aid or a support group for emotionally abused partners or even start a thread on here, 'Help! I'm being emotionally abused' before being bullied into doing anything you're not 100% about with YOUR body, your choice and your *reproduction.

A woman's choice is just that.

p.s., ANY 'partner' who uses emotionally bullying to control your reproduction, be it from bullying a person into unwanted termination or saying, 'I decide how many kids we'll have, but you're responsible for contraception' is an abusive twat.

Am going to ignore that last comment Expat, that was a tad uncalled for tbh.

How are things today Hogwarts? Have you been able to bring yourself to a decision yet? Just wanted to say I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. BIG HUGS

My husband was a complete pig when I fell pregnant with ds2, he was happy having ds1 and dd and felt this would muck everything up. He was foul to live with and moaned non-stop about our 'suprise baby'. When he told his mother that I was expecting he told her as though I had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The whole pregnancy was stressful and part of me hated him. Ds2 was born and dh was ok, found excuses to get out and wasn't helpful when he had colic (no suprise there with all the stress). Ds2 is now 7, he was a difficult baby, nothing like the other 2, but once he could walk etc be independant he turned into a joy. Our lives without him would be empty. He, as the youngest is our clown, he is adorable, cuddly, sporty, cheeky and we all love him. Dh never mentions how shockingly he behaved though I have thrown it at him during the odd heated argument. He never asked me to have a termination though. He just made our lives so miserable and made my last pregnany so miserable and stressful and a part of me will never quite forgive him for that.

I feel so sorry for you. You sound so depressed, go back and see your nice GP, and ask for his advice re antidepressants or whatever is safe during pregnancy. My mother often says you can always replace a husband but you can never replace your children...remember that when he is bullying you.

Why don't you tell your parents, let everyone know and make him realise what a sh*t he is being. The thing that gets me is how our dh's forget that we wouldn't be pregnant but for them! My dh still refuses to have the snip!!

Be brave, stick up for what you want, I'm sure your other 2 dc would love a little baby. I couldn't imagine my family not having ds2 in it.

I have a friend also who had a termination for suprise no3, she never forgave him, eventually fell pregnant new years eve 99/2000 (first time she'd slept with him for an age..too much champagne!), went onto to have her ds after 2 dd's, and has now seperated from her H.

Hope this helps. Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs. xx

Just wanted to see how you are Hogwarts. You have been in my thoughts since I first came across this thread. I know I was anti you having a termination but ONLY because it sounded like you DIDN'T want one. If you did, I'd say have it but after the hell I went through when I was 16 and for MANY years after because I didn't want mine, I just didn't want your DH bullying you. Afraid I totally agree with expatinscotland! Might sound harsh as slating your h but sorry, his behaviour makes me feel this way!!! And whilst only 1 person in RL knows, not your family, he can pick away at you more and more. I bet it would be different if it was out in the open!! Deep down he must know he's behaving like a $%£" (best not put the word I'm thinking!)

Anyway, my main concern is your state of mind. Please please please see the Dr on your own. You're CLEARLY depressed and you need to talk to the Dr without H there (sorry, another one who can't bring myself to use the 'd'

The man is driving his wife to nervous breakdown, barm, using bullying and threatening behavior to control what is her fundemental freedom as a womean, the right to choose how and when she reproduces, and you're taking things personally?

IMO, that is emotionally abusive to do that to someone,male or female.

Here are even a few definitions:

Emotional abuse or psychological abuse: coercion, humiliation, intimidation, relational aggression, parental alienation or covert incest: Where one person uses emotional or psychological coercion to compel another to do something they do not want, or is not in their best interests; or when one person manipulates another's emotional or psychological state for their own ends (see battered person syndrome), or commits psychological aggression using ostensibly non-violent methods to inflict mental or emotional violence or pain on another.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abuse

or how about this:
www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm

Time to call a spade a spade.

Because you know, it is sickening to continually read on this board about women who are subjected to this type of behaviour at one of the most vulnerable times in their lives by the person who is supposedly there to be be supportive of their choice and decision about their body, mental and physical health.

I am pro-choice. In other words, taht a woman is free to make a choice that she feels 100% sure about and feels is right for her needs at the time.

But again and again, you see this doesn't happen because they are with an abusive partner.

Well said

Oh......and my dh was DISGUSTED with this behaviour!!!!

My husband - all his mates - were thoroughly disgusted with this pathetic excuse for a person's behaviour.

I mean, you wouldn't treat a dog like that, much less your wife and the mother of your kids.

And not even considering the effect having an ill mother has on the kids, because they know.

Nah, it's all me, me, me and threatening and bullying and silent treatment and psychological coercion and even going along to a doctor - hope the GP is clever enough to take some cracking notes on this.

I have been following this thread and want to say that I hope that you can make a decision soon that you can live with.

Tbh, your husband is behaving appallingly, as expat said, he is using the worst kind of emotional blackmail. He is not thinking of you or the child you are carrying, nor is he thinking of your DCs. He is thinking of himself.

I am absolutely pro-choice, I believe that it is your decision to make. If I felt that you wanted a termination, I would not even have posted here. But from all that you have written I can only see that you want to carry on with the pregnancy.

However you decide, I wish you luck.

Oh god, I'm jumping in to the lions den here, but Hogwarts, you've wanted this baby from day one, and you just can't have a termination. Your only reason for wanting a termination is because of your relationship with your husband. If that relationship is adversely affected by you haveing a baby, then there is a strong chance that you will be able to work it out, but if you terminate your pregnancy, you will never be get your baby back. I am not talking from a moral perspective, like expat, I am pro choice, but having a termination is not your choice, it is your husbands. every thing you've said so far is heavy with sadness and regret already. You have time to do the right thing for you, not morally, but for you, don't make a decision you can never reverse.
Right, about to don hard hat. Please please don;t have a termination, you so clearly don;t want to.

Well, you said you wished someone would make a decision for you........I think a lot of us have!!! You know we're right, you just need the strength to get through this and I think you need to start with that trip to the Dr on your own! Be totally honest with them, they are there to help xxxx

p.s. I'm also pro-choice, NOT pro-your h's choice!!!

Actually.....if it was me.....I'd speak to my mum first! You can't be NOT close at all otherwise you wouldn't be living with them. Please please please speak to someone like family who can help you. You need a RL cuddle, well, lots of them more like it!!!

You lot are great, what would I do without being able to come on here and read such wonderful messages. Thank you. I'm sitting in work, mascara running down my face in tears.

I have thought long and hard about this since the visit to the Dr on Wednesday. I had convinced myself that a termination was what was right, for this situation, at this time in my life. All day Wednesday and yesterday I believed this to be my final decision - haven't discussed with DH as he has been working. Last night, I realised that this would be the right decision for DH, not for me. It's what DH wants, not what I want. Its what DH wants me to do, not what I want to do. I'm 31 next week, married, mortgaged to the hilt, 2 DC. I'm not 14, at school, no house etc. If DH was not acting this way there would be no way I would even consider a termination, it wouldn't even be an option. Why am I considering it now. Part of me agrees that it would be easier to have a termination, but easier for the wrong reason, ie - to please DH but I know that I won't be able to go through with it. I'm 11 weeks on Monday, I realise that had I known I could go through with a termination I would have done so by now. I agree with whoever said husbands/men can come and go but DC stay with you forever. I love my children more than anything in the world, I'd die for them, after the affair I can't honestly say I would die for DH, I still don't trust him 100%, and as someone else said, who's to say he won't have another one or leave me anyway.
I think that deep down I know I will go through with the pregnancy, I'm just not brave enough to make the final say on it, to go public, I don't know what I'm afraid of though.

Beenleigh - your comment really hit me hard, very wise words, thank you- that DH and I could work on our marriage and get it back but if I terminate I could never get my baby back.

Moving home this weekend so will be able to talk about it properly with DH.
Thanks guys, You really are helping me so much.

Hogwarts - I'm sooooooooo proud of you, you're stronger than you think!!! None of us were trying to be horrible to upset you,, just to make you realise (because it was pretty obvious from your posts) that you don't want this termination for YOU but just to give DH wants he wants and have the easier life - sounds like you realise it wouldn't be the easier option as it would bring a whole new set of problems if you went ahead when you didn't want to!!!

{{{ hugs }}} and more {{{ hugs }}} WELL DONE for thinking it through properly and realising it's not the right option. I just KNEW you'd be very unhappy if you went ahead, I'd hate you to go through what I went through (and others) - I was only 16, god knows what I'd be like now I'm 31 and have a child of my own!!!

I understand you aren't ready to tell anyone yet but when you do, we'll all be here for you!!!

Pleased you're moving home so that you don't have to 'pretend' nothing is wrong. I'm just a little worried about your DH and how he'll be. Do you think he'll bully you even more when there's no other adults about? Hope not, just make sure you don't let him!! If it gets too much, I'm sure you could go and stay at your mums?

Anyway, all the best and stay in touch and let us know how you're getting on!!

LT xxxx

Thanks Looney, I can cope with DH. He does love me, he just doesn't want this child. The Dr suggested that maybe I take some time off work and he offered me a line. I'm considering ringing in sick next week, take some time to myself, in my owh house, to think and talk things through. I am on leave the following week but so are DC as its half term.

What worries me is that this is todays decision, will it change tomorrow? and for the next 29 weeks??

Hogwarts - you are so brave. I've followed this thread since posting on it earlier, and I am so glad that Beenleigh was brave enough to say what she said, because it is so obviously true.

Good luck Hogwarts and well done for being so strong, I hope at some point you will start to enjoy your pregnancy. You deserve to be happy.

Beenleigh has been straight enough with you to say what i think a number of us wanted to (well done been) Dh might sort his current crisis out further down the line but you have always wanted this baby, since your first post. We've been with you all the way so far, and will certainly carry on as long as you want to.
Might have to start a new thread tho
Your marriage is pretty likely to come to horrible times if you have a termination and blame him for it (which you would) - so IMO there is much more chance of him seeing his child and loving it, if he has any heart at all. Stranger things have happened... And if not, you're probably worse off now with someone who is loving you conditionally than having another child who will love you unconditionally - that is if in effect you have to choose between the two.
You will regret losing your baby, you will not regret standing up for your own wishes.
As always, thinking of you and still with u in that big handbag of yours.(((x)))

Well done Hogwarts for listening to your heart.

I hope that you are able to stand up to your husband and that he comes around to the idea of a new baby.

You will always have support here on MN, and I hope you will soon have some support in RL too. {{hugs}}

Taking time off work would do you good, give you time to work everything out and lots of time to spend on MN

hogwarts, please listen to your doctor and take some time OFF work.

i cannot believe you are coping with work, this excuse of a DH, two wee ones, moving house AND you are pregnant?!

woman, if you think you are even such to be worn down in your decision, guess again!

i just wish you felt you could tell people.

i really, really think you need to see your GP again, ALONE, because he/she needs to know what your situation is as it is affecting your health.

i hope you stick by your decision and go with what you feel is best in your heart.

and you know something?

please do yourself a favour and learn to trust yourself 100%.

there is no way you can ever trust anyone else if you don't trust yourself first.

it sounds like his affair caused you a lot of self-doubt. again, try talking to your GP about some counselling, too.

please look after you and your health and don't be bullied and abused.

your children need their mother!

hi again, just wondered how your weekend had been. still sending u big positive waves n stuff (yes from your handbag...)

hi hogwarts. been thinking about you, but lost this thread...

I'm so relieved you have decided to do what i knew in your heart you really wanted to do. I think once you make that decision, as you have, once its said out loud ( even just to you) you wont go back on it. So please dont worry that you will.
you will just start to bond and nurture your growing bean, and it wont be that long until you feel it move you know... youv'e had 2 already.. the more you have, the earlier you feel it.

good luck with the move. and take care of yourself. hope fully being back together with just you and your Dh and little ones, will help with the whole talking and discussing issues, which must have been difficult when you were at your mums.

hope you are ok just now. thinking of you you have all the support you need here, i hope you know that.

I just saw this thread and read the whole way through.

Just wanted to say that I can empathise with all the emotions you're feeling right now although I wasn't in a long term relationship when I found out I was pg in April last year. The father completely freaked out, blew hot and cold, told me he would resent me whilst being supportive when I had some bleeding etc. His behaviour was confusing and frustrating and to cut a long story short I haven't seen him since last July. I had my son in December last year and his father has never seen him or attempted to make any contact.

I also have two teenage DDs and have been on my own since they were 4 and 2. I sometimes wish I wasn't doing it all on my own again but I'm used to it by now.

I had a hellish few weeks before I decided to keep the baby (I always was going to keep the baby tbh but my indecision was because he didn't want it and I had to be sure I was doing the right thing for me and the baby by going ahead with the pregnancy). I definitely think I made the right decision even though my situation isn't ideal. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me (apart from DDs of course!)

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you have to make a decision that you feel you can live with (you, not your husband or your family). You are under terrible pressure at the moment and you need to start being selfish and finding the support you need. Trust the decision you make (or have made by the sounds of it ) You may wonder sometimes if it's the right one, that's only natural, but you need to trust your instincts. Things will work out alright in the end. You sound like a very strong person and I agree with everything expat has said. But then, I haven't got a very good opinion of men full stop!

Hogwarts - how are you hun?

Bectheneck - wow, well done you!!!