Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Hogwarts I have been folowing this thread rooting for you but not posted before

Of course you are dithering - it is not surprising with all you ahve to go through!

I just wanted to mention my experience in case it helps you make up your mind; I got pg at 18 and at college, bf not interested. Went for an early appointment but they would not do it as my temp was elevated, so i convinced myself this was a 'sign' to keep the baby. Had got a job offer, but knew the only way I could afford a baby was to go home and live with Mum, so arranged for job to be transferred - it was at the moment that I got confirmation that yes they could transfer that my whole being said NO and I knew this was not the right decision.

Maybe you need to make a decision and take steps to implenent it and then your mind will tell you the right thing. You have arranged for the booking in appt - can you go to it and see how you feel?

Please do not put yourself thro a 2nd stage termination unless you are absolutley sure - it is not a 'nice' procedure and a whole lot worse once you already have children, you need to be very sure it is absolutley the right thing for you and your children.

Best wishes and keep posting if it helps we are here to support you.

Hogwarts, at this stage I would switch my focus from the pregnancy to my marriage.

If my husband was treating me the way yours is treating you I would have to seriously question our future together.

He had an affair. You took him back. You were separated. Do you ever regret taking him back? Do you ever wonder of he'll do it again? Do you trust he is at the gym with a male firend?
Do you feel he treats you well in general? (stories like not helping with the house move don't seem to indicate this) Do you feel that you would be happy to be treated like this in 5 years time?

In short, do you think your marriage is in general a good one and one in which you are happy and fulfilled? I get the feeling that you're scared to go it alone and he knows this and it's his trump card. He's trying to force you into an abortion because he knows , or thinks you won't want to lose him. But really, where will it end. What esle will he force you to do? How much ill treatment would you tolerate before you stand up for what you want, need, and believe is right?

Maybe if you did stand up to him, yes, he may leave (in which case, what a man! ) Or he might realise he can't treat you like shit and get away with it.

Believe me, if the marriage were to end, it would be his loss, his family, his kids, his wife, his home, and more importantly perhaps, the respect of his friends or family.

ps are you not showing yet? I'm already starting to show at just 7 weeks .

Hi Hogwarts, I started reading this thread yesterday and spent most of the night trying to get up to date with your story. I even dreamt about you when I did get into bed.

I cannot believe that your husband is doing this to you especially now that you are at your most vonorable sp??.

I feel the same as most of the people that have already posted but want to reiterate what everyone said, you are worth more than he makes you out to be.

I wish I could pop over and just give you a hug because it feels from reading your post that that is what you need.

Please keep us up to date with everything and don't give up on your dreams just for his sake. If he wants out, let him go. As the saying goes if you love someone let them go, if they come back it is because they want to.

I believe that you can get through this, you seem like a woman of strengh.

Message withdrawn

Hi Hogwarts, this is a long one again.. sorry...

not been able to post for a while with bad back, but i've been thinking of you so much. you may remember i posted a while back, ( very long post about being in v similar situation and still with DH now...

I actually talked to Dh about you and this today. He just sat in tears in the end, as it reminded him of how he treated me, and where we are today.

He has not stopped apologizing to me and thanked me 'more than anything in the world for giving him his baby daughter'. he has told me to quote him on that and this:

' if you(meaning me, susie) had been as selfish and weak as I was being at the time, and if you had not faced up to, and confronted and worked through the fears we were both having, our gorgeous beautiful baby girl would not be alive today. it was your strength that got you and our girl safely into this world, it was your strength and courage that kept us together. I feel like one of the luckiest men alive to have my two girls with me today and my life would not be the same, I am so happy, i cannot put it into words'

Well, I have to say, i have saved that, and printed it off, because he has never said anything like that to me in out lives together. Infact, I think he has only ever told me he loves me a handful of times. I know he does, hes just not one of those chaps that ever talks about emotions. it actually makes me cry every time i read this now!

the reason i'm telling you this, and quoting him, on his request, is that he was compelled enough, after hearing your thread, to say what he did. It brought about that much emotion in him, and reminded him of his appalling behaviour, he wanted to just put another male perspective, and one that has also been in your situation on it. He actually said, if it'd help he'd talk to you DH as that was the one thing he wished he's done at the time. He didnt talk to a soul. reason being?he says it made it real if he did. plain and simple. If he didnt talk to me, or anyone, he could pretend it wasnt happening.

you see, he now feels guilty about HIS behavior. He regrets more than anything not wanting our Dd. he regrets even thinking it for more than a moment. As well as feeling so guilty for treating the woman he loves so terribly. He will live with that for ever now. he says the most important thing is that he is glad he is not living with the knowledge that he may have influenced me into doing something i would never have usually contemplated.. and trust me, i had the "its me on or the baby' thrown at me on one occasion, which made me stop and think, as i loved him so much too, like you do your husband. I did choose my baby, i knew that if i didnt, we would have nothing left in our reltionship. I wouldnt want him either, for making me do what he wanted. to put it really bluntly, our relationship would be dead, as would our baby.

I know i am very fortunate that neither are. I am happy now, we both are, with our girl. however, I know i would have been just as happy if it were just me and my girl. YOU will be too. YOU have the strength and the courage to do this, with or without him. YOU can do this. you are a wonderful woman, who loves her children dearly. let me just say, if you were going to terminate this preganancy, you would be sure of it, and have done it by now. the fact you havent says it all really.

We can all give you plenty of emotinal support, and if i knew whre you lived, i'd gladly give you more. your mum and frineds can do a much better job though, in the flesh than we here can.

Sorry i've gone on, yet again, and i hope it didnt look like i was rubbing my happiness in, as i have been where you are, and i just wanted to show you you will be happy again. but you will never ever be as happy as you will be the day you hold that baby in your arms for the first time, with or with out your H at your side. remember the happiness you felt the first two times, and triple it.. in fact, more than triple it, as you will have got through all of this and come through the other side, with 2 other DC there to help you...

Susie, thank you for sharing your story. I am SO happy for you, your DH and your new daughter. I am in tears reading your story, thank you to your DH for taking the time to do that for me and offering to speak to my H. Thing is I agree with everything you all say. I'm scared to go it alone. I don't want to be alone, I hated it before and I will hate it again. I agree that if I go ahead with the termination that my relationship will be over anyway. My parents have gone away for a few days, will be home Saturday. I will have to tell at the weekend as won't be able to explain being off work otherwise. Just read all the messages from yesterdy too, thank you. I was out most of the day so didnt get to reply.

Looney - how are you keeping?

Hi Hogwarts, you still sound down to me, but it is good to hear from you. I'll put the kettle on and make us a brew if you would like to pop over.

I told your story to my hubby last night and he was shocked that you haven't kicked your husband on the tushy and out the door. He even said that you would probably be better off on your own, no one is saying that it will be easy but you will have the onconditional love of your 3 kiddies that will get you through this.

The same love that you have for your children is the love that your mother has for you. Yes she might be dissapointed to start off with but she will get around and I do believe that she and the rest of your family will be there for you. Maybe the part of you that is keeping this from your mother is the part that does not want to dissapoint her. Just be strong.

I pray for you and your little bean and hope that whatever happens you will get the support you need be it from family or mumsnetters.

Thanks fulltime mum x

My mum is so wrapped up in my brothers forthcoming wedding (which they, as in Future SIL aren't involving her in) that I know that will be the first thing she will think about, that is her reaction will be - but what about xx's wedding, how can you be their bridesmaid? Next will be, how can you afford another child, you needn't think I am looking after it etc etc.

Then again, maybe I am wrong. Maybe she will surprise me, maybe I'm not giving her credit where its due, maybe I'm feeling so down at the minute that I think everyone is against me, when in fact its probably just my husband who is.

Hogwarts...has your dh said anything else since you've been signed off?

Hogwarts, I do hope that your mum will suprise you and be positive about i!

I don't know you and I don't know your husband and I'm not a violent person but everytime I think of you I feel like going and giving your husband a nice wack maybe then he will wake up and realize what he will be losing if he goes on like this.

Oops that was suppose to be "it" at the end of the first paragraph.

hiya, I just read right thru.

I just wanted to say, that I am truly impressed by the way you are dealing with this, truly impressed. Looking at all sides, being coherent to talk on here, despite what u r going thru.

I know the strain is huge, and what you are facing is so huge.

I had an abortion, which took me 4 weeks of tears to decide to go ahead with. My dh was on my side what ever I chose, but I couldn't carry the child without compromising my health and the well being of my yr old dd.

I decided i wouldnt go ahead the day before it was booked. I t made me feel sick, bad all that. Yet the next tday i made myslef go ahead with it, cos the reasons for termination hadn't gone away.

You seem to really want this baby, in so many ways. What your dh is being like is frankly apalling after 12 weeks.

he baot is rocked, yes, but tbh I think even if you have the abortion your relationship will never be the same, so whats the point?

My dh left me 2 yrs to the day after my abortion, our relationship didn't survive what we had to go thru. And I would say we were pretty solid up till then.

I know the changes you face seem enormous, yet you do have the strength either way, its your dh that I think is gonna let u down wither way too.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

He hasnt said much dropdeadfred. Blows hot and cold. I've had a few times where he has found me crying and he talks a bit about it but we have had workmen in the house since 8am each day so its been awkward. I don't bring it up either to be honest, it upsets me. Doesnt mean that I don't think about it 24/7 though.
I wish he would realise what he would be losing too. He came back before and came back as he had worked out where he wanted to be and who it was he wanted to be with. He still says he is glad he came back/I took him back and this is where he wants to be. Thats why it confuses me when he says he might leave - makes me wonder does he really mean it?

If I were you I'd be tempted to turn the tables on him. Instead of him bossing you about demanding that YOU make a decision how about telling him to make it. Tell him that you don't want to have a termination and he needs to make a decision whether he wants to continue to live with his wife and THREE children and make the most of his family (that he is lucky to have) or does he want to tell his children and the rest of his family that he is leaving because you don't want to terminate this little baby conceived within a marriage, out of love, and ironically he thinks if you have it then it will end your relationship so rather than giving it a chance he is leaving now....?

Give him til next weekend to make a decision, see how he likes being rushed and bullied.

Great idea, I like it. Sounds like the way forward. Play him at his own game.

Just a suggestion, I know it's easy for people to say what they would do in situations when it doesn't affect them, but I so would like to see how he likes being given ultimatums....

What says a lot about him is how he seems more concerned abuot what other people think of him than how he treats his own wife.

Like how he avoids his friend who's having a baby because he knows if he told his friend and the friend found out what he's been doing to you he'll probably deck him the way most men would.

As for your mother, if she pulled that stunt about your brother's wedding and bridesmaid and afford it and all that crap I wouldn't hesistate to lose the rag with her and let her know I'd been dealing with enough from my bullying emotional abuser low life excuse for a husband trying to force me into a second trimester abortion, thanks much, and that maybe if she could show a little more concern and less criticism to her own daughter I wouldn't have found it acceptable to put up with crap excuses for men for so long.

You're better than this shit, hogwarts.

But you know that already.

am with dropdeadfred on this one. he is making you out to be the bad person who is evidently splitting the family up when in reality he needs to take a good long look in the mirror and see who the real culprit is.

Hogwarst, good to hear you sounding a bit more positive about everything.

I hope that your mum is just as positive about your news and that it distracts her from the wedding for a little while. Perhaps your brother and SIL will thank you for giving her something else to think about.

Dear Hogwarts, You have made your decision to have your baby. Please don't have a late abortion..(for him). I have been following this thread and time is passing by. Your H sounds so awful that as I've gone back to read several posts I've missed I wondered if perhaps he is having an affair again? You typed in on the 24th Oct that you moved and everything on your own, that he is always working...really? Are you absolutely sure? He is being so awful to you in order to get his own way. Stick up for yourself and kick him into touch. Go to citizens advice and find out your rights, and then the next time he threatens you and heads off to the 'gym' pack his clothes, leave them at the end of the drive, change the locks and chuck him out. Give him a big shock and if he doesn't come back then you are better off without him anyway. Good luck, tell your Mum, ignore any snipes about db's wedding and teach your H a lesson. Sending you a big {{{{{hug}}}}. AS I said before you can replace a man, but you can never replace your children.

hey Hogwarts
thanks for reading all my long post! I was terrified about being on my own too. I know how you feel. It is a very scary place to be, where you are just now.
I didnt have a huge amount of support initially either. Most of my friends and family felt a termination was the best option for me due to my health, and if i were to be on my own, even more difficult with my health. Once i told them that i was going ahead, alone, they ALL supported me 100% and have never looked back.
There is SO much help available out there. Financial and emotional help, you wont be alone.
I was refered recently to a 'group' for want of a better word, of volunteer mums who go into help new mums, or mums with children, in all circumstances. they help with the Dc and mainly offer emotional support, or a little practical for me, on days I cannot lift my Isobel up. there are schemes like this al over the country.
there are working tax credits, help with child care, child tax credits, help with housing costs, council tax... everything. my area even have a charity in the borough, that specialise in helping you find which benefits you are entitield to , and what help you can claim, or apply for. THis is all pratical stuff, i know, but i just wanted yo uto know, if thats all taken care of, it may take a little weight off your mind knowing you might be alone. Dont forget also, your Husband will have to make decent contributions to the children and housing costs wether he likes it or not.

I realise the being on your own bit is more about the emoitional side, but, that will get better. you will get stronger, and Tbh, you will be so busy and immersed on your new family life, i doubt you will have much time to notice

Its all very frightening, and despite the fact you are already dealing with this alone, and previously looking after your children alone, its not the same as being officially alone... I just want to send you lots and lots of love, and again, wish i could meet up with you in RL. where do you live? I'd truly like to give you some proper support.

just sending you loads of love and positive thoughts. xx

Thanks Susie. I'm in N Ireland so probably not near to any of you

Hogwarts...i have been following ur thread but havent commented yet...just want to let u knw that my heart aches for u n that u r a very brave and strong lady...hold on as u have done uptill now....
just one thing id like to add and that is abt telling ur mom...y dont u start by tellin her that u cant b bridesmaid at bros wedding...n that u r very sad u cant b ...n then tell her the reason...i m sure she will understand!
i hope this makes sense and is of any use for u...
please keep on posting and updating us..
best of luck with everything.
(((hugss)))

How are things Hogwarts? I like the idea about turning the tables on your H! This is such an awful decision for you to have to make, I hope you feel you can tell your Mum, you are her daughter and I think she will surprise you and be more supportive than you think, especially with the way your H is treating you.

Hogwarts - just wanted to say I haven't forgotten you and I will try and catch up with your messages later today. Thanks SO much for your kind post in the other thread, I never expected that from you at all and it meant a lot I'm pleased to say there WAS a little baby with a little heartbeat which is great after the terrible news we had yesterday.

Right, best crack on but just wanted to let you know you are still in my thoughts xxx