Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

I have been following your thread hogwarts and would like to speak to you as the mum of an adult daughter.if it were my daughter in your situation i would bend over backwards to help you in a ny way that i possibly could.Do not let your dh put all this pressure on you ,he is an arsehole.If he goes on to have another affair and then has a child with someone else,how on earth would you be feeling,your children would have a half brother/sister and you would always be filled with so much regret at the child that he chose for you to terminate.If it comes to the point you are on your own with your children,if your mum is as close to you as i am to my daughter,you wont need him ,your family will help you though it all.Of course the choice is ultimatley your own but i think by reading your story termination is not what you want,its what he wants.If you also have concerns about how you would manage financially on your own,I am sure there are loads of mumsnetters who will be able to help you out with the stuff that you need.I myself can make you some baby cardigans if this would help you.Your mum will be so concerned that you have had to go through all of this worry,she will be there for you im sure, i wouldnt want my daughter to have to bear this on her own ,go on tell her please.My children ,even though they are both adults and have children of their own, are still my priority in life,im sure you are the same in your mums life too. good luck.

what dizietsma said.

(((((((((((MASSIVE HUG))))))))))))))))))
hope you're holding on chick x x x x x x

Hi Hogwarts, how did it go?? Been thinking of you! {{{hugs}}}.

Please listen to curseofthemummylin - my mum was so upset I didn't talk to her about my termination until it was all over with. You really should confide in your mum.

Anyway, the rest has been said so I'll just wait til you come back hun.

LT xxxx

Hogwarts - I have just found your thread today and have spent the last 2 hours reading it and i really can't believe what some of you have had to go through and are going through. You are all such strong women

Hogwarts - it seems you have made your decision and this will be the best one for you because it is what you want! I completely agree with Expat on alot of what she has said already regarding the way your DH is bullying you, please tell your family asap it will make you feel better you will then be able to talk freely to whoever you want when you want (including all on here too of course )

Your family sound like they have been fantasic for you in the past and i'm sure they will be again.

I really hope things work out ok for you and your DH, but if they don't then you will be ok and you will make it with the help of your family and friends

Thank you all once more for the messages of such support especially to Pixiella and curseofthemummylin.

My appointment went ok. I started crying as I walked in the door. He has signed me off work with stress for 2 weeks. He was very understanding, said the choice was all mine and that he could see my H was emotionally blackmailing me. He believed it was his way of reacting to situations that he wasnt in control of. After many tears and lots of talking I agreed that he would pass my details onto the maternity hospital for a booking in appt. So thats that part taken care of.

I went to my friends for an hour after and talked it all through with her. She told me that she felt that I was not emotionally stable enough to cope with a termination, even in different circumstances. She knew deep down that it wouldnt be my choice but his and I would be doing it for him. She even said what more does he want you to do for him after all you have done in the past 12 years. She agreed that DH was being a bugger and offered me all the support she could. She has offered to come with me while I tell my mum but I felt I needed to do it alone.

DH hasnt really said much to me since I came home. I texted him to say that I was going to my friends and to make the kids their tea. He replied with words to the effect - so its publuic news now then?

When I came home I told him that the DR signed me off for 2 weeks with stress as he felt I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. He didnt say much to that, nor did he ask any more so I didn't volunteer any more information.

I plan to tell my mum tomorrow (are you all coming in my handbag?)but am dreading it big style.
Thank again to you all, I really wish you all lived near me. ((hugs))

yes i will come with you,i am sure she will be very supportive to you.whatever you decide.Your story has moved me very much and even though i am not a violent person ,i could punch your H.I will be thinking of you tomorrow,Mum will want what is best for you x

Hogwarts - I'm so pleased your BF said all those things, you needed someone in RL to say these things and she has! And well done for deciding to tell your mum tomorrow, I'll be in that bag of yours too . As for your H....no comment as I may end up swearing!!!

Please let us know how you get on with your mum tomorrow, I just KNOW you'll not regret speaking to her. Just do what you did with the Dr, walk in and let it all out - you don't need to put on an act anymore hunny!!!

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Looneytune xxx

Good luck for tommorow. Your friend sounds wonderful and supportive. It's good to hear you have been signed of work for a while.

Thinking of you, will put on best togs for when I meet your mum

We are all here rooting for you.

ooooh well done ! good luck with telling your mum and i'm glad you got some time off work - have a nice rest.
you've almost restored my faith in GP's - they're not all useless ! lol.
goodnight, so proud of you hogwarts !!! xxxxx

Hello Hogwarts, you sound just a bit more at peace than you did earlier.
Hope tomorrow goes well for you.

I just caught up with what's happened over the last few days.

Hogwarts, you really have been under enormous pressure and your H has really played on your feelings of guilt hasn't he? I feel for you so much. My son's father said a lot of the same things but it must be even more heartbreaking to hear it from a partner you have been with for so long.

DS's dad said, amongst other things, that he hated the fact that he could not control the situation. I said whilst he couldn't control what I did he could control the way he dealt with it. I was trying to make things easy for him and I have made things easy for him to this day

He also said that an early abortion involved 'just taking a pill' as if that made it easier! It's not as easy as that anyway procedure wise never mind the whole emotional side of it.

It's laughable really that he feels he made the right decision to have no contact. He must feel he has gained so much more by sacrificing any relationship with his son. He's lost more than he'll ever know and the same goes for my exH too. I pity them.

There is so much more I want to write - especially about your H's behaviour! - but DS is demanding my attention. Anyway, I am hoping that your visit to GP, your support off your BF and some time off work plus telling your mum has and will give you the courage you need for the future. You don't need them to give you strength - you already have it in you and you have shown that already.

I shall squeeze in your bag for tomorrow although I'm sure you will be fine telling your mum Good luck - keep us posted x

Well done, I am so glad that you spoke to your friend and so happy that she was so supportive. I am crossing my fingers madly that your mum is just as supportive tomorrow.

That post took me about two hours to write and now it looks a bit disjointed! I put the bit in about early abortion being 'just a pill' as DS's father made it sound so reasonable and as if then everything would be ok and your H saying he'd have a week off work if you had a termination struck a chord with me. (Some) men seem to think it's no more traumatic than having a tooth out do they?

Gah, I could go on for hours about fuckwitted men but I shall restrain myself for now

hog, i think your mother will surprise you.

i, too, am the mother of daughters.

i think she'll be so sad and upset that her child had to go through so much these past few months alone.

and don't forget those aunts and uncles.

hell, i'll bet your brother will be supportive, too.

i know i would, if it were my sister.

and don't forget MN.

i've been here a few years, and i have seen women who were about as low as it can be, scared, homeless, abused, penniless and in debt, jobless with no qualifications, some even with SN kids.

and to see them now!

wow!

they are a great source of help to other women now, too.

emotional abusers use peoples' feelings to control them. and they can get nasty when they lose that control.

but you know, they never really had any real control, because everyone's heart and thoughts are truly free.

please keep us posted on how it goes with your mum.

maybe direct her to this thread if you feel you can't do it alone, call your friend, etc.

i'm so glad your doctor was understanding.

i'll bet he went home tonight and still thought about you. maybe he's even got kids, too, and thought about how that could be his child one day, too.

i know i do.

my heart really breaks for you, hogwarts.

but you've got to be one of the strongest people i've seen on here.

keep the faith!

Hi Hogwarts - glad you have been to the doc and that the doc was supportive and helpful.

And thank God for your friend. She sounds great and as if she knows you well and what you have been through with your H. (Can't bring myself to put D about someone who is acting as he is to the woman he purports to love).

Good luck with telling your Mum. Will come along in handbag if you feel it will help!

Hugs my dear. Will be thinking of you today.

Hogworts i have come on here early as i dont know what time you are going to your mum,s .I wanted to wish you luck, dont hold things back from her,i am sure you will find her tremedously supportive.i am now climbing into your bag !!!!

Good luck today I am sure it will be half as bad as you think it will be

You will be ok and believe me you will feel a huge sense of relief once you have told her!

Hogwarts - I've been following your thread, and really feel for you. You'll feel so much better after telling your mum. I've got a feeling that one big reason you're dreading it is because it will mean there's no turning back. The dice will be cast. But that's a good thing! You can then get on with having a happy pregnancy, and (non-D)H can go his own sweet way.

Hogwarts, I have just seen this thread. Am so for you and so at your H.

My dh also had an affair, and I forgave him and took him back. I recently have also found myself pg and was dreading telling him. Thank God he took it brilliantly and is really looking after me - bloody hell, he even cleaned the toilets at the weekend!

I'm not saying this to piss you off, I'm saying this becasue it's how your H should be treating you. I cannot believe he didn't take any time of work and let you do the move on your own, pg or not, but esp pg, whether he wants the baby or not, he should nevertheless show lov and concern to you. Does he not alos live in the house? So why should he not also help?

I'm afraid I'm also with the others who've said 'fet rid' OF HIM!!!!!!!!!! Mutuallly agreed termination is one thing, but this isn't the case here, and how can a man ask you to kill his baby cos he doesn't want it???????????

I am so shocked to read this. I really hope you've told your mum. You've said many times previously that your family have been supportive, eg when you separated. How much more supportive will they surely be to hear of the way you are being treated. I cannot imagine anyone being anything other than thoroughly disgusted by his horrible, scummy behaviour. I would seriously pack a bag for him and change the locks.

Earlier when you said about coming in and finding his drawers empty and you thought he was packing but really he was "just rearranging his drawers". That struck me as very odd. I really think he was playing games. Ok, I don't know him, but how many men rearrange their drawers ffs? I've been with my dh for about 16 years and he's rearranged his - er never. I think he's playing games with you, makng you think he's leaving and scaring you into doing what he wants.

He is a low down piece of shit.

I bet your mum will want to beat him. And support you 100%

Hogwarts - just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you all day, as have many others. I hope talking to your mum helps, I'm sure it will be like a huge weight being lifted off you! xxx

thinking of you, hogwarts.

ernest, well said and spot on.

Thinking of you today hogwarts...feels a bit crowded in the bag hope it all goes well xxxxxxxx