Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

DH sister had an abortion when she was about 17/18 - I can't remember exactly. She is seriously fucked up, I mean a total loop the fucking loop. A few years ago she had a breakdown, said she had images of her baby, the abortion etc. I keep reminding DH of the mental state of his beloved (useless) sister - apparently she was fucked up in the head anyway and I'm different.

why would he want to leave when he knows you'll take his emotional abuse?

does your GP know how he's treating you?

because he/she really needs to know. this is impacting your health, your GP is here to help you and believe me, he/she has seen this all before and even worse.

i think you need to come clean w/your GP because tbh GPs are not idiots and he/she probably knows something's up anyhow.

PLEASE TELL HIM/HER!

your BF took the afternoon off.

your own husband didn't.

he doesn't want to leave because like all abusers he knows if he manipulates you enough you'll do what he wants.

visit the lone parents section.

better yet, READ THIS THREAD, TOO:

mumsnet.com/Talk/1400/414079?stamp=071029012145

this man is textbook classic emotional abuser.

if you google 'emotional abuse' he'll tick every box.

guaranteed.

there is help out there for victims of abuse.

Well Done Hogwarts, tell all to your doctor and tell all to your friend, just as you have to us.
I'm sure that with their help you'll come to the right decision for you, and of course what's right for you is ultimately what's right for the rest of your family.

Best of luck at the Dr's - what time is your app? I'm soooo pleased your BF is taking time off, good for you for telling her how you feel!

Please be completely honest with the Dr, you need help love! xxx

Your H has worked a treat on you hasn't he!! The thing is, he's doing what he's doing to make you feel like this. If only you'd tell this supportive family of yours, I bet you'll feel SOOOO much better and they will help you through it.

H is playing games to get his own way - don't let him make you end a life you want!!!

Thinking of you xxx

I have been reading this and it sounds as if you would be better off as a single mother. My mum brought me up by herself and I am really glad she did, it's so much better to have one happy parent than two miserable ones. If you knew having an abortion was the right thing to do I imagine you would have done it by now and think if you do it now you will probably regret it more than keeping the baby. What ever descion you may needs to be right for you and I hope you make one you are happy with. I agree with everyone else that you need to talk to your mum.

print this thread off and show the GP if you can't talk to them.

of course they're going to know something's up.

Hi Hogwarts,

by the sound of it, it looks like you will be on your own if you choose to have the termination? Do you really think you can come back from this? I really feel for you, and hope you make the right decision for you...xxx

Good luck at the doctor's, please be honest with him/her about what you want and feel and the same with your BF.
It sounds to me like your H is playing games with you by rearranging his drawers - he is trying to scare you and keep scaring you intil he gets his way.
I agree with others that once your Mum and the rest of your family/friends/support network know about your pregnancy and what is going on H will lose the worst of his power over you and you will hopefully realise that if he does decide to go, you can do it without him. I also think your Mum would want to know what was happening and would hate to think that you were hurting and not confiding in her.

you terminate, and he's going to expect you to forget about it immediately, the way you were supposed to just carry on after his affair.

and if you don't, he'll make it out to be all your fault, you're a loser or wrong or messed up to be carrying on about it, etc.

and he'll take a week off work, my arse!

i wouldn't be surprised if he copped out of going along with you at all.

you said already he's hardly around for the two kids he has as it is, what's the point of him at all

Hogwarts I haven't posted on this thread til now but can't keep quiet any more.

You really need some support in RL on this. Your mum, your BF, anyone you really need to share it with someone who knows you and can help fight your corner whatever YOU decide to do. I think Expat is right in that your H has you totally isolated on this. Please reach out to someone today, I would hate to think that my sister or any of my friends were going through this alone.

FWIW, I am totally pro-choice but find it absolutely heartbreaking that you feel unable to keep the baby you so clearly (imo) want to. My mum brought up 3 kids practically single-handed without much money at all, in a tiny house but with loads of love and we made it through just fine. You will find MNers to support you every step of the way.

I also think that if you didn't want this baby then you would have terminated at an earlier point. After 12 weeks the options are much more grim - do you really want to put yourself through that for the sake of a man who obviously doesn't care what you want or what you would have to go through? If you go through with termination who is to say that your marriage will survive once your hormones have stopped making you feel vulnerable? How will you feel about H then? If you keep the baby there is a possibility you will keep H too (if you want him) but if not then you will still have your DC3.

I'm a great believer in making decisions from a position of strength. Tell your bf, tell you family, esp your mum, and let them help you reach the decision YOU want.

Your hb is getting panicky because he knows time is running out and soon there will be no choice - so expect an escalation in his histrionics. That's why having the support of family will be so important.

Btw, have thought of the perfect birthday present for him - even better if can actually get it for the actual day: a vasectomy.

And I second what Goingfor3 said about being raised by a single parent. My Dad left when my youngest brother was a baby and we were much happier with one happy parent in a home full of love than we were when my Dad was around.

god, beckle, i know so many people like you! including one of my best friends in life who brought up her daughter on her own. her dad was a waster and she was indeed much better off without that lying, cheating, wife beater scumbag.

I can keep quiet no lnger.

You must tell your mum or best friend. They will help you get some perspective and support YOUR decision.

If your dh really loved you he wouldn't be able to bear seeing you in this pain and torment.
how can anyone be so impervious to their partner's pain and heartache?

I am so pleased that you have arranged to meet your best friend to talk this afternoon. As she is the only one you have told so far, you must trust her a lot.

I hope she gives you strength to carry on standing up to your bullying husband and the support you need.

I agree that your husband is playing games...pushing your birthday cake onto the floor, emptying drawers, generally stomping around the place...what a bad tempered child.

My appointment is at 350, heading out shortly. I havent told DH I am going to my friends after, he doesnt know that she knows.

I plan to tell the dr everything, its a different Dr to the one I usually go to, but lovely too. Do you think he can do any tests to make sure the baby is still there, tbh I dont know how it is holding on.

WARNING VERY LONG MESSAGE! SORRY!

I agree with everyone on here -i don't want to push you in any direction or bully you like ur husband is (and i also agree that he's a textbook emotional abuser!!) BUT I can tell by reading ALL of your posts that you do want this baby and you STILL do....the single reason you're going to have the termination is for your husband. Plenty of lone paretns raise their kids wonderfully and I believe you can too!! And like I've said before I doubt he will leave anyway...even if he does leave he'll still support you because of pressure from outside people not to be percieved as a 'twat' or 'bastard' of a father.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - you have support from your Dr, your Best Friend and I know your Mum will support you if you explain the situation and how you're on the verge of a breakdown because your husband is threatening to leave you if you don't abort your baby. Especially after his affair she will be 100% behind you I know it. (I'm not sure if you have a little girl) But is one of your children was going through this in 10/20 years time wouldn't you want to be there for them, help them and guide them?

Now I'll just say my story on the whole termination not being able to make a decision thing...

I am 18 years old (definately not able to financially able to support myself with a baby) luckily I have a supportive and wonderful partner but anyway..I decided to have a termination because with all the pressures and prejudices of the society we live in I thought it was what I should do as a young woman because I thought I could never cope with a baby....I went to the hospital, signed the forms, had an interal exam etc. and was shitting myself with fear the whole time, worrying if there was gonna be a complication with the procedure etc.
Then I had a scan to confirm my dates and saw the little foetus in a little sac in my womb and it felt SO unreal....but I couldn't stop staring at it.
Then a few days before the abortion my parents and my partner suddenly blurted out that they didn't want me to have the termination and they were just trying to support me by going along with it but they offered me so much hope by telling me all the ways that we could make having a baby work....I started to get really excited that I could actually do it if I wanted it enough.
I kept looking at old baby pictures of myself and imagining that this little baby would look similar to me in the pictures..a mini me.
I was crying my eyes out. And that night (the night before my termination) I decided I couldn't go through with it -I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. Sure some people might have said 'but you might regret having a baby for the rest of your life more?! Surely that will be more difficult than having a termination?' And the way I thought about it was:

Termination - would have to live with the guilt of deciding to end my baby's life (especially against my partner's wishes).

• would always have felt the feeling of being pregnant and that I would be changed forever, I'll never been the same carefree teenager again.
• me and my partner would have definately split up...if not a few months down the line but it definately would have torn us apart. He would have blamed me for it (he still has bad feelings towards me even now for even thinking about doing it!)
• my life would be in tatters.

Baby - yes i'd be tired, my body would never be the same again

• some doors would be closed to me forever
• i wouldn't be financially well off for quite some time
• i would have to devote my life to my child
• BUT I would be content, fulfilled and I would always know I made the right decision when I looked into my beautful child's eyes.
• the day he/she brought their first mothers day card they'd made home from school it'd make it all worth while to see their proud little face whenever they achieved something and I praised them.

ALLLL of this and MORE would remind me every day WHY I made the decision to let my baby live.

The whole 2 months while I was pregnant and struggling to make the decision whether to have an abortion I used to despair at my inabililty to choose! I wanted someone to make the decision for me because I was desperatly scared of the responsibility I had in making it. I was terrified I'd make the wrong one and regret it for the rest of my life. In the end I chose the decision that I knew I would regret the least. And that's what you have to do FOR YOU.

You keep saying you want someone to make the decision made for you - my advice (having wished the same myself) is....be careful what you wish for.
Because 3 weeks after I made the decision to keep my baby I got what I had been wishing for.... (although rather late and obviously who ever made the decision for me..God..fate...mother nature,whatever had obviously not been updated on the recent developments of the situation!!!)
I miscarried at 10 weeks. My partner and I were both devasted. And I'll never get over it. Never. I feel SO guilty for not wanting it at the very start, I feel SO SO guilty for being ready to abort my baby and give up on it's life. I feel somehow maybe it felt that it wasn't wanted enough and just gave up growing. I feel it is all my fault.

I hope you make the right decision for you but PLEASE consider what everyone here has said too. And please tell your Mum and PLEASE don't let that emotional bully of a husband ruin your life any longer!

Hogwarts - you should get a scan at 12 weeks anyway and that's the best way to tell if all is ok. As you know, I had a scan on Friday and they couldn't confirm whether or not it was going to be ok (not hopeful) but when I go back on Friday I'll know for sure. I begged for blood tests but they said that wouldn't confirm, the scan would. As you are much further gone than me, they should be able to scan you and see much much clearer. Best of luck at Dr's xxxxx

SO sorry if that seemed i was preached to you - I am completely Pro Choice and always have been but i just wanted you to consider my experience and how I felt about it.
I guess I used to see abortion as such an easy and normal solution....I thought it was the thing to do if you got pregnant at my age.
But now my views have changed slightly, having gone through a miscarriage.
Some woman don't regret terminations...some women use them as forms of contraceptions. And that's really sad....but you should never forget what an abortion actually is...what the actual procedure is going to do to your body and your mental health (especially later on in the pregnancy as you are).
And anyway I don't need to explain this to you because I know you're not taking this lightly AT ALL. arrrrrg im gonna stop babbling.
love xxxxx

lol at expat: 'what's the point of him at all?'

and LOL at Heated at the vascectomy birthday present !

Great idea actually....! He's expecting you to go through with such a horrible procedure but I don't think he'd take too kindly to having his bits snipped around with and having to sit with an ice pack on his balls for a week! LOL

Oh, Hogwarts, what an emotional rollercoaster this whole thing is for you!

Please, please, please tell your family about your pregnancy as soon as possible.

It seems to me that the reason you are having such a hard time with this is due to the manipulations of your partner. Until you create a support network of Real Life people who would be supportive of you continuing this pregnancy I think your partner will continue to pressure you because you are isolated, therefore vulnerable and I've no doubt he can clearly see his manipulations are working.

He'll probably tighten up the pressure on you the most just before you break your silence because he'll be terrified of losing control of the situation once you spill.

Hogwarts, you may well genuinely want and benefit from a termination, but how on earth can you be expected to make a balanced, reasoned decision under such duress? This is why you need people who will support you if you do decide to carry on with the pregnancy- you have so much pressure from one direction, it would at least be more balanced to have some from the other direction. Mumsnet is not a substitute for the people who love you supporting you through this difficult time. Tell your mum and dad. Tell your brother your husband is bullying you into a termination when you aren't sure you want one- I bet his protective brother instincts will override any wedding selfishness!

Your husband is presenting you with something called a false dilemma. It is a logical fallacy where you are told you must to choose between one option and another when you actually have other options- your partner is posing it as your kids versus your potential kid. The thing is, it's not a case of your kids versus potential kid. Giving another sibling to your children is a gift, not a curse! Sure there'll be adjustment, financially and emotionally, but I doubt that your kids will grow up and tell you that they wish their little brother or sister was never born and it was the biggest mistake you ever made as a parent, do you?

If your husband decides to leave you then that is his (or rather, his lack of) responsibility. Don't let him try and make you responsible for his decision. Despite his outrageous behaviour towards you during this pregnancy and his unfaithfulness previously you still want him to be with you. He should be on his knees thanking you for being such a forgiving and understanding wife, so don't be bullied by his threats. If he leaves such a wife whilst she is pregnant with his third child, then that is for his conscience, not yours.

Now, please, pick up the phone. Reach out. Good luck.

diz x

Thinking of you Hogwarts. {{{HUGS}}}