Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

I've been following your thread and have a really really massive urge to give you a huge big hug.
I don't know you, but have read about your hopes, dreams, ups and downs. I really think like many others on this site that you NEED to talk to your Mam. Tell her everything, stop protecting DH. You really have to look after yourself and little bean and of course you other DC.
Your DH is bullying you and reading through your threads over the past week I think you know you have already made your decision. DO NOT let him blackmail you. I really hope everything works out for you and DH wakes up and realises what he is asking of you. sending lots of love x

blimey this queue behind expat's DH is sooo long. OK, haven't said it so far(everyone else has by now so i'll just stick mine in to add to the numbers)he is an emotional abuser, trying to blackmail you into taking the blame for what he is doing. I have tried to see how the thing could be reconciled before as you didn't seem too disgusted with him - even though many of the things he did were spineless to say the least. Somewhere in there we could see that you perhaps hoped - understandably- that he'd get over his childish paddy and be a man. But no. No man in there it seems.

? Where does he get off ?? he says you are breaking up the family??? Eh??? how exactly, I thought it was him who wants termination, both baby and relationship?
Shit belongs on the middin' as they say round my way. "Right northern" expression but oh how accurate. I have never felt so in my life at someone who i don't know...

It was me who said a while ago that your children love you unconditionally (including the little bump) but a man who makes his 'love' conditional isn't worth keeping. I'm glad it helped.
There is no such thing as love with rules, is there? Treat him with the contempt he deserves, and save your energy! It is plain to see the massive strength you have, so much that you will be the strongest woman on the planet after this. Just imagine how relieved and positive you can be six months down the line! new baby, new mum, new start. Yes it will be blxxdy hard but it would be even harder with the H dragging you down as well.
more big {{{{hugs}}}} for your birthday. His "present" to you shows him for what he is. Enough said, methinks

hogwarts. I am so sorry your h is doing this to you.

Please be clear in your mind that he is attempting to turn the guilt on to you in order to disguise (from himself and others) the fact that he is selfish and unable to deal with a disturbance to his set-up, and that you have not reacted by putting him first. Tbh I can't help thinking he has picked his moment (your birthday, ffs) deliberately.

I have had the 'breakling up the family' line before, in different circumstances - from my parents, who claimed I was excluding myself from/breaking up the family by refusing to leave dh (whom they had never met and were unhappy about for ridiculous illogical reasons). It's a line that tends to work well on women, who often feel it is their role to keep families together. Don't let it eat into you.

He has worn me down so much I think I am going to go ahead with the termination. Again, sorry for this especially on the board in which its being posted. I am so so sorry. Its not what I want, but its the best thing to do in the current circumstances. Its the best thing for me at this time in my life. I have to accept that I will always regret it but that its the best decision at this time in my life. I am not strong enough to go ahead with the pregnancy alone. I can't bring a child into the world without a father, I can't afford to either.

My head is so fucked up. I don't know whether I am coming or going. I don't know what I want. I can't cope with this situation any longer. I am torn between my unborn child and the 2 I already have. Whats the best decision for them all? Do they want/deserve a weak gibbering mother who can't cope alone?

Ignore this post, I'm speaking out loud because I have nowhere else to go. I dont want to tell my mum now since I am so confused. Once I tell her there will only be one choice. Its a mess. Its gone on for almost 2 months and I am no further on.

Oh Hogwarts, you poor thing.
You said one crucial thing in that post...."it's not what I want".
But we're not here to bully you, you have enough of that from your dh.Just know that I'm thinking of you.

You don't seem like a weak gibbering mother to me, not at all.
You do need some support though, is there anyone?

Please tell your mum. She can help you.

If you do this, under these circumstances, your dh will have no respect for you and you will hate yourself and him. If he could walk out on you and the kids so easily then theres every chance he will leave anyway. He's a nasty spineless excuse for a man.

Maybe it would help to imagine yourself 18 months down the line. Imagine each of the two possible scenarios, and write down how you think it will be.
Please understand Hogwarts that I'm not trying to steer you in any particular direction here, but in your last post you said "I don't know what I want".
You must be so tired.

Oh Hogwarts, I just found your thread yesterday and I'm really sad for you. The termination is not what you want, DON'T DO IT! Sorry for shouting but no man is worth that. If he does love you like he says he does he will support you and will end up loving this baby. If he walks out on you now because you want to keep it, then what sort of man is he?? Definitely not worth sacrificing your baby's life for!

I know this is easier sais than doen and you would probably be giving the same advice to a stranger, but I hope it makes you think well about it.

Good luck....

heres how i see it.

have a termanation- u will regret it since u have said its not what u want. u will resent ur H (hes not worthy of a DH) and its possible ur marrige will fall apart anyway (your words).

keep baby- you may have to do it alone but as you have said you have basically had to do that with ur other 2 anyway.

so it could be no baby or H or a beutiful baby

i dont want this to sound harsh just thought i would write in 1 thread what u have said the whole time

Here's another exercise that may help to sort things out in your head.
Imagine that you're going ahead with a termination, spend an hour or so really examining how you feel. Imagine the day of the appointment, the days after. Maybe write down how you feel.
Then imagine you're going ahead with the pg. Imagine arranging antanatal appts and organising everything. Again, examine how you feel, write it down.
This advice may well be a heap of crap, in which case imagine me passing you a warm drink and a non-judgemantal shoulder to cry on.
Got to do stuff, will be thinking of you Hogwarts.

judgmental

oh dear, I was correcting my spelling, not calling anyone judgemental.
Sorry!

Hi Hogwarts

I haven't read all of the posts but have been following your dilemma since you first posted.

I really really think that if you terminate you will end up resenting your husband totally. And you will feel guilty that you couldn't stand up to him. That combination of factors will affect your other DCs too. So your DH's comment that you are not thinking of them is a load of crap.

Tell your Mum. Tell her why you haven't told her till now.

Hogwarts - I have just finished reading through this thread.
Please please don't terminate your baby. Please please speak to your Mum TODAY, she can help give you some support and perspective. I am sure that you will have so much support from your family that you will not even notice that DH isn't there (although I am not convinced he will leave, I think he is trying to scare you into a termination).
He doesn't appear to have had much thought for keeping his family together in the past and he doesn't seem to care that much now.

Now off you go and get some RL support from your Mum x

Hi Hogwarts
I've not posted on this thread, but I've been lurking and wanted to add another voice of support to the many that have already posted.

You are going through so much at the moment, please be gentle with yourself. Please talk to your mum, and please keep posting on Mumsnet as there is warmth, empathy and really good support here.

Take care .

HOGS he wants you to think that you wont cope alone with another child to get his own way.you know you have done it before.he is acting like the biggest child in the household...does he think he is totally blameless in the conception??? if he was definate that he never wanted anymore children then he would have gone and had a vasectomy.do not let him emotionally blackmail you into doing something you are not 100% sure is the right decision x x x

Hi Hogwarts, I'm sorry you are feeling so lousy and I do see why you would want to have the abortion. You are under some serious pressure. Even though you don't want to approach your mum, I think you do need another sounding board, is there anyone else in your family you could trust with this? What about your friend?
Is there any way that your H would agree to some relationship counselling? I'm pretty sure you would qualify. It sounds as if you need some outside input. You could even phone relate yourself and go alone.
It is almost as if your choice isn't about the baby, but about your marriage. When your H left the last time, was it for long, did you think you could cope then? Do you think the pregnancy hormones are making you feel more weak and vulnerable?
Hang on in there, it will get better!

he says he'll take a week off for your abortion.

like he took a week off to help you with the move?

i feel very, very sorry for you and your kids, hogwarts, because you're in an abusive relationship.

please visit the 'lone parents' section - you'll find plenty of company and support there.

IF YOU DON'T WANT A TERMINATION THEN YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ONE!

Please re-read this thread, there were several very brave posters who shared their experiences of terminations, and even more than one, and the ones who didn't want it but had it for a partner were very fucked up afterwards.

Second-trimester terminations aren't as straightforward as earlier ones.

I'm really, really sorry to see someone who's so obviously emotionally abused continue with such a realtionship.

As the mum of daughters, this just breaks my heart.

I cringe to imagine what I will do - not would, but will - do to a man like this should my daughter get involved with him.

Were things hunky dory after his affair?

You said you still think of it 2.5 years later.

How do you think a termination you didn't want is going to go over?

Like the others on this thread I want so much to help you and to take away the agony that you are being put through by your H.

You are on the receiving end of mental and emotional abuse. He is clearly not loving you unconditionally - he seems to only be able to want to keep you as his DW if you terminate the life of your newest child - the one growing in your belly.

He is manipulating you into believing that this is best for you, for your DC and for your marriage - and in doing so causing you to not be able to think straight.

Yet reading your posts over these weeks you have said that you want this new life - and I believe you. However I am pro-choice and if YOU decide for yourself that you want a termination then that is a different kettle of fish - but at the moment I would suggest that, given your levels of confusion as to what you want/ what you should do (understandable when your H is playing cruel, vicious mind games) that you are not in a good place to make ANY decisions.

The other posters are right when they urge you to tell your mum about the situation. I understand your reluctance to involve anyone from RL in your nightmare....but what harm would it do to tell your mum?

like all emotional abusers, he seeks to isolate you from your family because he knows they'll remind you of how strong you are and how much support you have.

and remind you of how much of an abusive, disgusting, low life of a person he is.

'I am torn between my unborn child and the 2 I already have. Whats the best decision for them all? Do they want/deserve a weak gibbering mother who can't cope alone?'

Do they deserve an emotionally abusive father who controls and manipulates people into making life-changing decisions against their will via mental abuse?

I was one of those people who had a termination......would you like me to remind you??? I was only 16, not a mother then (as a mother I'd find it MUCH MUCH harder). It wasn't my partner who persuaded me, it was the awful family planning people who told me I'd be a selfish 'little girl' if I kept the baby (amongst other things said). I felt bullied into it and although I was only about 6 weeks gone, it totally fucked me up after. Within 2 months I'd split with the father (we were very much in love but this messed my head big time). It fucked me up for years and I will always HATE the family planning people for doing this to me. I know you'll feel the same about your H after and urge you not to go ahead. Being as far gone as you are, I really don't think it would be as straight forward? If you're 12 weeks already, I'm not even sure if you legally can anyway??

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to your mum. You have a supportive family, you've already said this. It also MESSED up my MUM when she found out and I hadn't spoken to her. She wanted to help and it was too late.

I really don't think you'd cope if you had a termination - I can't tell you the images I had in my head after, I was proper fucked up and surprised my mum didn't make me see a specialist!!!!

I'm only saying all this as I'm so worried this twat of a man has worked his stuff on you, he's got you just where he wants you!!

Have you been to the Dr's yet?

Lots of {{{{{ hugs }}}}}

LT xxx

I've told my BF that I have a dr appointment and I am going to hers after. I texted her earlier and told her I was on the verge of serious mental collapse and she has taken the afternoon off so that she will be at home for me after the Drs.
When I read all these comments I want to go through with the pregnancy. When I am on my own or with DH I think that termination is the right choice, that its what I have to do. I've just been to tesco to do some shopping. Didn't buy half of what I needed and cried most of the way round. I'm a mess, if you saw me you'd think I was a mess. I've lost weight, can't eat, can't drink.

I came home to find DH emptying drawers, I thought perhaps he was packing. Apparently not, just rearranging his drawers and clearing out some stuff. Doesn't sound like someone who wants to leave does it?