Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Thanks for the flowers looney. They were lovely and just what I needed. I would like today to be over, its been the shittiest birthday ever. Went to mums for dinner, DH said a grand total of about 3 words during the whole time we were there and they were to shout at the kids. Kids played up, DS blew the candles out mid song and knocked the cake off the table in this attempt to get to it before his sister so resulted in either no cake or cake riddled with fluff from the carpet. Result=tears all round.
Spoke to DH abit more, after eating lunch together in silence I asked him was this the way it was going to be since he had not got his way. Apparently yes. I tried to explain that while I wasnt chuffed about the idea of DC3 it was part of me, it had happened, I didnt feel strongly enough about having a termination and that I would love it like the others. Apparently he won't love it, will resent me and the baby and its just a romantic idea that I have that it will all be ok. Accoring to him I can have the abortion, he will take a week off work and then it will all be hunky dory. He also said that I was being selfish making this decision, that it was the worst decision for our family and I was only thinking of myself in making this decision. He has left to meet his friend to go the the gym and has just texted me to say that my decision is making him ill. He doesnt see the point in coming home to talk about it and thats it over.

Have I made the wrong decision???

No problem hunny, I'm sorry I couldn't do something that would make your H act different What a shitty day and it should have been a happy one {{{hugs}}}. You have NOT made the wrong decision, he is trying to emotionally BULLY you and you need to stick up for yourself and your unborn child!! Your kids with love you no matter what you do and tbh, if this is how your H behaves, I think your better off without him. He may change his mind later on but even if he doesn't, I KNOW you'll manage and be a fantastic mum!!!

Wish I could say something that would make it all better. Just take comfort in the fact we're all here for you and will see you through this right to the end!!!

Take care

Looneytune xxx

Apprently I musn't love my kids though as I am prepared to break up the family for the sake of another baby. I'm selfish because I am going to bring a child into the world without a father being there for it. Apparently DH is thinking of the kids (that will be a first) and feels sorry for them that I am forcing this seperation on them and he hopes that I will be happy telling them that I caused him to leave. Talk about emotional guilt. I can't stop the tears from coming, I want to curl up into a ball and die. I wish someone could take all this away from me. This LO must be strong to be holding on with all this stress.

I now do feel that I am being selfish, he is right, I am going to bring a child into the world knowing its dad doesnt want it. My kids are going to lose their dad, albeit they don't see him that often but he is right in a way. I can't afford to support myself financially, never mind 3 children. I feel so torn, between the love for my kids and whats best for them, or for what I feel is right for me. Why did this have to happen to me when there are so many loving stable homes out there desperate for a much loved and wanted child?

Hogwarts I can not imagine how you are feeling. Could you try and look and see how you would feel if you did have an abortion. Your DH seems to think that if you had one it woud all be ok - from what you have said it would not be (understandibly). Only you can decide what to do and no one on here would judge you for doing either but don't feel pressured by him as although he would be happy after an abortion I should think you would be far from it.
You are in an awful position but have so many people rooting for you.
Be strong.

Thinking of you. X

I haven't read all the posts but the last few - your charmless hb is doing a real job on you.

If you have your baby he says he'll leave; if you have an abortion he's blackmailed you in to having, can you really see your relationship lasting?

In many ways it seems like a doomed relationship unless he suddenly grows up. That may sound harsh, but it wasn't meant to be - just an attempt to see it in black and white. Does his presence make you happy? Does the thought of the baby make you happy? Choose the one that does.

You are not being selfish...he is.

Your existing children will love having a new sibling.

You will love having a new baby

Your family and friends will love having a new baby in the family

Your husband is the one behaving like a selfish child, he is the one demanding you go against your own decision.

He knows if he does not bully you into an abortion before your pregnancy is common knowledge, then he will have to accept the new baby, else look a twat to every member of both your families and friends.

Hello Hogwarts, have skimmed the thread and read the last few posts.
It seems he is being very manipulative. You are not "forcing" a separation on the kids, he is.
You must be feeling very weary.I think you need to remind yourself often that you are doing what you feel is the right thing for you and your children.

All of them.

I have not read the whole thread but have read quite a few posts especially the last few.

I want to start by giving you a huge ((((HUG))) the pain & upset you must be feeling is beyond me

Please do not be bullied into making a decsion you will regret for the rest of your life, please put your feelings first you are this babies mother, you are carrying this baby & your love no matter what will be unconditional for this child like your others.

Please look at the situation this way, your dh has said you are making a mistake, he has said if you keep the baby you will split the family he will leave, he has said if you have a termination everything will be hunky doory (again thinking of himself) it will not be hunky doory at all, maybe on his part it will be but you will leave to regret this forever & not only that you will become to resent him & hate him for what he has made you do, you will blame him it will be his fault in your eyes, it is not what you want.
Either way your reltionship has a chance of ending but i think it has more of a chance of surviving if you keep this baby, you never know how your dh will react when the baby finally arrives, it could all work out.

He is being a very very selfish, unthoughtful arse, he is putting so much pressure on you, he is wanting to make you feel like it would be the biggest mistake of your life but it would not be the biggest mistake of your life would be to terminate for someone elses selfish reasons.

You are making the right descision, you want this baby, you already love this baby so please go with what you feel not be pushed into something you totally don't want.

Have strength you will get through this, you will be stronger than you know, you have come this far, please do the right thing for you & your other children.

Picture your 3 children running around in the garden/house playing, laughing & talking, no child is a mistake it is a blessing.

FlightyPGone - No one is thinking like you, everyone has situation we are all different, how dare you come on being a bithc like that, why don't you kick someone when there down, people like you are bot worth talking or listening to your post is absolute crap, go spout your mouth of somewhere else

Oh Hogwarts your H is a real Arse to do this on your birthday the C word harsh but I am sorry he is!!!!

I can tell you now when your children (all three of them) are grown up and you sit them down and explain why their Dad left the last thing they will think is oh god wasnt Mum selfish! You will get through this with or without him although if it was me it would be without him as he has show what a horrid piece of crap he is! It will be hard but you will be OK and in a few years you will look back and think god I am so glad that happened and opened my eyes up to what sort of Man he is! whats next you have an abortion and then what does he blackmail you with because that is what he is doing to you - Me or the Baby gosh it would take me all of one second to choose!

I know you love this Man but just look at the why he is treating you if you were reading this tread looking in what would you say to the lady writing it - honestly???

Chin up and TELL YOU MUM you need her x

WAIT A SEC!

This is the bastard who cheated on YOU and you can him a second chance because your family was important to you and he has the fucking AUDACITY to accuse YOU of being selfish and breaking up the family because you will not submit to his fucking EMOTIONAL ABUSE and have a second-trimester termination you don't want?!

Have you read this?

Do you realise how this looks to most of the world?

Did you tell your family and friends? Because you deserve their love and support and he has so bullied and manipulated you that you don't think you do!

And I'm sorry, but he's a WASTE OF SPACE.

There is no other way for it.

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

If YOU had come on here and said you wanted this, then go for it.

But you've said from the get go that you don't, and he's spent the last TWO MONTHS abusing and bullying you.

HOnestly, I'd kick him the fuck out.

And also, he's acting like a 3-year-old.

In fact, worse than one because they get over things quickly.

My husband's been following this thread and he's so shocked on your behalf, he'd love to take this excuse of a chap on .

And also, I cannot count the number of women who have been in your shoes - low life scumbag of a partner - who have gone through splits.

They've been homeless, alone, on benefits, scared, with 3 or even more children - some with special needs, and they have come through it!

And they would be more than willing to be a source of support for you.

I can think of 4 people just by name off the top of my head who've been there!

You are NOT alone!

You know something? Part of what makes a great father is how he treats the mother of his children.

And so look how he treats you.

YOU are not being selfish, YOU are not splitting up your family, YOU are not depriving your DCs of a father.

And in your heart, you know this. He is manipulating your feelings and using your guilt against you to get what HE wants.

At the end of the day though, you are the one who has to live with your decision. You have to bring up your children alone. It is easy for me sitting in a happy home with an intact family to give advice. It is not me facing this horrible dilemma. I can only offer you my sympathy, and a virtual shoulder to cry on.

I really hope that you are able to make the right decision, not the right decision for your husband or your children or even for the unborn baby. For YOU as you are important. You are not just a mum or a wife or a daughter.

I do think that you need some RL support now. I hope that you can speak to your family and tell them how things stand.

Thinking of you

Now picturing an orderly queue behind expatinscotland's dh.

a couple of his mates would liek to have a go, too, including one who was a teenage father.

his partner didn't want an abortion.

so he bucked up and supported her decision.

Hey hogwarts thought i'd come back and check how you're doing. STAY STRONG. i bet you he won't leave or if he does he'll come crawling back when he hears you've given birth to his child.
I know you're strong enough to do it. Please listen to everyone on here - it's your baby,growing inside your womb and no matter what HE says you will have so much support and if you get a divorce he will also have to support u and his kids ! (i think ...don;t know much about legal stuff lol!)
Anyway lots of hugs .........stay strong! tell your mum! everything will work out great. Follow your instincts as a mother. xxxx Let us all know how ur getting on !

I wish he would expat, I wish someone would. 2 of our very good friends are expecting a baby in March. DH and the husband are very close, always on the phone, meeting up (they work in same place) always texting. Anyway, since we found out I was pg he hasnt seen or spoken to him, maybe just once or twice. I believe its because he is avoiding him. He is avoiding telling people as he knows he will look like an arse/twat/bastard - choose one.

I'm glad to hear your DH perspective of it expat, to know a mans point of view of it all.

I'm not going to let him manipulate me this time, as you said I took him back after the affair, it was easy for him, I still live with it every day nearly 2.5 years on. I thought of my kids then, took him back for them cos believe me it was so hard for me to do. I've enough support from my close family I dont need him. My family, including aunts uncles etc really looked out for me when we seperated before. His family dont support us so no loss there, in fact I havent seen my MIL since DD was 1 or 2 days old(she is 5 now). Havent seen any of his other family since last Christmas. Saw FIL around June time and that was first since last Christmas. FIL has no relationship with his own kids never mind his grandkids - my DC. My kids call him by his first name, not granda. His partner is due to become a granny soon and I know that he will see that child far more than his own gradnkids. DD asked me one day if daddys mummy was dead, she doesnt even know who she is, thinks DH granny is his mum. Infact not one of them has even been in touch to wish me a happy birthday, I doubt they even know its today. Yet I never miss sending them a card from the kids. I guess what I am saying is that DH leaving is only DH leaving, no loss of any other support from his family.

I've a dr appointment tomorrow, going to ask him to sign me off work, tell work I have problems at home. I can't concentrate on going to work. My mum has a big thing on tomorrow night that she has been preparing for months for, so I dont want to tell her before that. I'm going to tell her on tuesday, if I can wait that long.

Just caught up with your thread, hogwarts, and I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
Your husband is treating you horribly & I feel for you so much as I was in a similar position when pregnant with DS2.

My husband never wanted children, and when I found myself pregnant after a bad bout of IBS which messed up my pill, my husband was very anti the whole pregnancy.
He would make out all would have been ok if I had terminated, and that he would have cooked me a nice meal after!
He showed no interest in the scans, and wouldn't enter the delivery room while I was in labour.
When my mum went in to tell him DS2 had been born, an expectant father tried to shake his hand & he refused.
He showed no interest in his new son at all while I was in hospital, and described the day he brought us home as the second worse day of his life other than his dad dying.

When DS2 was 4 days old, he held him, and gradually began to bond with him, but I was left with terrible depression.

He loves DS2 (now 4.5) to pieces now, but we are no longer together.

My situation is pretty rare, in that it continued until after the birth, but I can empathise with the awful feelings you are experiencing right now.
Don't feel bullied into doing something you really don't want to do. Your husband is being a nasty selfish bully, and I am very on your behalf.

I really hope your family are able to offer you the support you need & deserve. Take care.x

Well done, well done, well done ! xxxxx good luck with telling your mum ! xxxx

i think getting signed off is a brilliant idea, especially because your GP has already suggested that to you.

you need time to rest.

part of what's making it so easy for him to bully and manipulate you is that you're so tired.

i mean, he fucking left you to do the house move on your own. wtf? most men wouldn't do that even if their wives weren't pregnant.

why, because you're supposed to be partners.

i'd just tell you mum.

believe me, you're a mum yourself, you know us mums are tough and can take just about anything! it takes a lot to rattle a mum.

you really and truly need the support and love of your family and friends just now, hogwarts.

it will make so much of a difference!

i'd be on the horn to those aunts and uncles and pals right now! texting away.

as for your DH avoiding his friend. i mean, some friend! can you imagine, how you'd feel if your pal just cut you off like that? you'd be hurt, wondering what you did wrong. not very considerate!

you made a decision about this from the second you typed the OP. the only thing that even remotely rattled that is this 'DH', who's a bullying, manipulative, emotionally abusive git.

((((((((((((((hooooge hug))))))))))))
i dont think ive posted before but i have lurked since the start of the thread.
so first of all i want to say i think you are a bloody brave woman in not letting your sack of shit DH bully you into having a termination.like you said you have got through it before when you were seperated, and you will do it again.does he think that if he leaves that his life will be better, does he realise that once this baby isborn and grows up he/she will ask him why you and him are not together, and why he is distant from him/her and it will be too late to rectify.In all honesty i dont think you will struggle with an extra child if you end up on your own because he is like a big kid anyway.chin up and stay healthy x x x x x x

Best of luck, telling your mum

Hogwarts. I am so sorry to hear what you are having to put up with at the hands of your H. He sounds as if he has serious emotional problems that he has to resolve before he ruins anybody else's life.
It doesn't sound as if he is making any sense. Why would he tell you that another child would ruin your children's lives - has he discussed this with them? I doubt it! It seems like a contrived reason, to cover the 'real' reason. He just thinks that it is an argument that you will respond to. In fact it seems pitiful to use his supposed interest in your children's welfare in such a insincere way - just to get what he wants, not because he has a genuine concern.
From what you have said he doesn't seem to have actually told you why he doesn't want this child, is it financial, is it because he doesn't feel emotionally able to cope with the pressure of another child, what???
If it is financial, is he afraid of being unable to pay his gym membership? Is it just superficial nonsense? Or does he think you will all end up on the streets?
If he really feels unable to cope with the pressure, perhaps he needs to take himself to the doctors and find out if there is any help available, and perhaps move out until he has sorted out his emotions.
I feel so bad that you are having to go through this, when you are tired and emotional enough and deserve so much more than you are getting. It may be that your H's departure will give you some peace and a break from this horrible pressure.
Even if you did have the abortion, how on earth could he think that you can resume a normal relationship after he has put you through this pain and torment. He must be delusional.
I think your next birthday will be spectacular though, with a gorgeous baby and lovely children, even if the cake is covered in carpet, fluff. I hope you can see a time ahead when this will just be an unpleasant memory.
Sending you a box of choccies, a silk dressing gown and a chaise longue to lie on, oh and some servants (on very good rates) to feed you the choccies.
I hope you feel better tomorrow.

whilst he was at the gym i would pack him a suitcase to leave outside for him.

i mean, he said it was 'over' and shit.

yah, right.

just another adolescent attempt to bully you by throwing a wobbly.