Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

She will be absolutly shocked. I've gone through life second best to my older brother who is getting married in March - the one I am bridesmaid at. I know my mums first reaction will be "What about the wedding?" Charles and Diana had nothing on this wedding. I think she will be supportive though when she hears about DH, I'm just not sure how to bring it up into conversation, or what to say. I'd thought of saying I've only known for a couple of weeks, rather than the 6/7 that I have known for. What do you think?

i think you'd be FAR, FAR better off if you told people.

all your DH will do is bully you about termination.

he doesn't see any other alternative.

please tell your friends and family! you really need the support just now.

I reckon tell your mum, too. Telling mums stuff is the hardest thing to plan for... telling them any "news" is a bit scary isn't it but you can pretty much guarantee she'll be your best ally. Just blurt it out when you can, making plans for stuff like this doesn't ever work for me and i guess i'm not the only one either!

I like that old chestnut of 'waiting til first scan to make sure everything was ok'
LOL in my case it was waiting for the 22-week scan before telling anyone - so you are much better than me!!

I reckon you need to put yourself first for everything now, and get one enormous rest when you get signed off work. (That's 'when', not 'if') you really do need it.
Take care, i will be back on here mon but constantly in the pockets/bag, remember. Be positive. Having baby number three is hard work, but well worth it. You will cope!

I have been following your thread for the past few weeks, when I was looking for a TTC thread.
I wholeheartedly agree with Expat, and think it will be so much easier for you if you tell you family and get that support. It might help to see things from a different perspective and allow you to take a step back from your marital relationship.
I agree about the taking time off as well, going for some walks in the Autumn and blowing off the tidying and chaos at home might make you feel human again.
It must be weird to receive opinions from people you don't know at all, like this, I hope you don't feel invaded. I feel like a stalker now.

I agree with the others Hogwarts - tell your mum. Until you do your H will be able to keep at you & grind you down but once you've told your mum you'll at least have someone on side. She probably will be shocked at first & her first thoughts might be about the upcoming wedding but remember this is her grandchild as well as your baby so I can't see her being too pleased at your H trying to make you terminate. A lot of people do wait 'til at least 3 months to tell anyone (I didn't but that's 'cos I'm a blabbermouth) so you could use that as an excuse - or you could just tell her the truth that your H has you so head-fucked that you don't know what to do & didn't know how to tell anyone.

I'm glad the move went well but you shouldn't have had to do it all yourself - get yourself signed off at half-term & have some rest.

FWIW neither dh or I were happy at the start of pg#4 & I spent the 1st 14 weeks mostly wishing it wasn't happening (& feeling bad about that too). dh wouldn't touch my bump to feel baby kicking or anything but he was mostly like that with dd3 too who was his first so I wasn't too fussed. ds will be one a fortnight on Saturday & I honestly can't ever imagine not having him. I've been a single parent to 2 dcs (& if things don't improve I may wind up a single parent to 4 dcs but that's another story) & it is hard sometimes but it's much better than being in a miserable or abusive marriage.

Maisie - Don't feel like a stalker, please. I post here because you are the only people I can talk to, and although I don't know you in RL, I do take on board everthing that you have all said, You are all like very good friends to me and I value your advice more than you all can know.

I want to tell people. Mum said earlier that she had been clearing out her cupboards and had come across some of the kids baby toys and wondered would I mind if she gave them to her church creche as I would no longer need them. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her but since DH and I haven't discussed itI thought best to leave it..

DH keeps on saying he wants to talk about it, then rings to say he has to work late, has to start early and/or is meeting his (newly single) friend to go the gym. I wonder just how much he wants to talk about it

At the minute I feel like a single parent. I have raised my DC mostly by myself, DH is always at work or with his friends at the gym, they never cry when he goes to work or goes out but if I leave to go to the shop for bread its tears all round. The way I see it now is that I have coped, and therefore can cope with raising another alone, afterall I've done it before, twice.

Oh that's OK then.
That must be tough: waiting for your DH to discuss things, it would kill me to have to keep quiet like that.
Do you think that you are putting off telling other people because then it would be 'out there' and you couldn't change your mind, which would be would be like giving an ultimatum to your DH?
It is such a difficult situation, but as you say, even if you did go through with a termination, you would never be the same with your DH, so either way it will be difficult.
It seems pretty clear to me that you are the strong one here and if you do just go ahead with it, your DH will be forced to capitulate, despite all his protestations. It could even be a relationship turning decision, where you feel more confident and make more demands on him, like; 'Stop making me feel like a single parent!'
Do you think if your DH were pleased with the new about the baby that you would be pleased or still having a tough time with it?
I hope having time off will help to clear your head and relax?
Sending you hugs and a nice cup of tea and five minutes with your feet up.

Oh fgs Hogwarts just get a grip and tell people what is going on - tell your dh to go to hell and grow up - you are nearly 12 weeks gone with 2 kids and adult enough to take it on the chin - stop coming on here dithering and just get on with it!!!! I am sick of seeing your story about feeling sorry for yourself - there are people on here ttc for a long time not worrying about whether to have a termination or not!

That's too too harsh Flightypgone. Doesn't seem to me to be in the spirit of mumsnet.
By your reckoning, should there be no discussion of terminations on mumsnet full-stop? Because there have been other threads and there will be threads in the future where it is discussed.

Just because you may not be able to empathise/sympathise with the situation, does not mean that the thread should not be there.

Well thanks flightypgone for that really useful post. Just what I needed. I didnt ask you to read my story, nor to comment on it and if you had read properly you would see that for me, I'm going through a very difficult situation,have kept up a normal front to protect my DH (and I agree he doesnt deserve it)all the while going through the tormnet of realising that my marriage may well be over and face the prospoect of being a single parent to 3. I've acknowledged that my posts may have been insensitive to those TTC but this was an unplanned pregnancy, and I needed support to deal with it.
Thankfully the majority of MN-ers have been very supportive and I'm grateful for that. That said in every situation there are the minority of people who feel the need to say something which is uncalled for and unhelpful. I wish you well with TTC/your pregnancy as I do the others on this forum. I hope that you don't ever find yourself in the need of support and facing unwanted criticism at a vunerable time.

flightypgone - I'm going through a threatened miscarriage right now....shit scared but I'm DISGUSTED in your post!!! You obviously have no idea what this poor lady is going through - just go away!!!

Hogwarts {{{hugs}}} (haven't read your last post, going to now but I HAD to post that first!!!

Sorry to be the bearer of harsh news but I think Hogwarts should just deal with it better - this is not rl we are merely saying what your best friends would be saying (had you told them) after several weeks of dithering over a situation.. yes I feel sorry for you (like everyone else would) but I am merely saying pick youself up out of this self pitying hole and take responsibility for your life now and for the future! I am being harsh as everyone else has given you fairy cakes and tea but probably want to give you those plus a kick up the back side! sorry! Just make a decision and stick with it and for info I have been in a similar situation many years ago and it doesn't help to ponder!

I'd have thought that had you been in the similar situation then you would have had a better understanding of my situation and feelings at the present time.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just somewhere to turn to when the situation in RL gets tough. Somewhere to escape to where I'm anonymous. I know I need to talk to my friends and family and had you read correctly you would see that I had asked for advice on how to bring up the subject/opinions on what to say after 12 weeks.

Thanks for all the advice and support. I guess the unhepful post has made me see that I need to go forward on my own from here.

Looneytune, I hope and pray that things turn out ok for you and your LO holds on.

Greebos, I will continue to look out for you in my handbag

She HAS spoken to her best friend and you know what.....I might say something like that NICELY to a best mate but I'd never ever be so harsh with someone who has really gone through the mill in the last several weeks!!! I've been very direct at times, not fluffy fairy cake or whatever you said - maybe I and many other on here are just a bit more sensitive to hogwarts feelings!!! Oh....and it must be hard enough to deal with a big thing like this without the added hormones on top. I really think you were very insenstive and yes, you may have been ttc for ages, many others who've posted also have, she's apoligised if seemed insensitive and all us on the conception board welcomed her to come here for support.

Hogwarts - DON'T YOU DARE go alone on this.....PLEASE.....we'll all worry about you. The rest of us are here for you so keep coming, please don't go because of one thoughtless poster - ignore her!!! You HAVE ASKED for advice about how to handle telling your family and we're going to help you through it all And thanks, whatever happens, happens for a reason. I won't go into my feelings on here as I wasn't looking for sympathy - just wanted to point out that althought I MIGHT loose my baby, I'm still here for you and still really feel for you - you're really going through it right now.

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Looneytune xxx

Hogwarts
Please do not feel that flightypgone is representative of the rest of us MNetters who have been following your journey these past weeks.

I do not feel the need to kick anyone (except perhaps flighty for her lack of empathy) and find it very offensive that FPGO would insinuate that.

Please continue to post here, as far as I can see, it has helped you sort out your feelings. Almost all of the posters on this thread are supportive of you and would like to help you further (in whatever small way we can)

FWIW, I had 2 m/c before I had my DCs and I would never think of critisizing someone who had a termination, one thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other.

And hogwarts - if others don't come here as soon as they normally do, it may be as they are trying to work out what the hell is going on with the format It was driving me mad til I found the bit where you could change it back to 'classic' setting!

kinderBOOsurprise - well said!

looney
ditto

I'm still here, in tears - I was already having a very bad day, and the post just knocked me for six. DH has annoyed me, kids were playing up, DD spilt a full 2litre carton of milk, then I had an arguement with my next door neighbour (whose 9yo daughter told my 5yo daughter to f* off). Lets just say he got the brunt of todays influx of hormones and will know in future not to cross me!!

I know you are all hear for me but in a way they are right, I do need to face up to this, It IS real and it IS happening. Its just very hard to break the silence after this time, the longer it goes on the harder it seems. I mentioned that I have an appointment with DR on Monday and I had already decided to ask to be referred to the antenatal clinic and the hospital for my booking in appt. It will be public then as its a small place where I live. Perhaps it is time to start a new thread, on the pregnancy or antenatal boards, where no-one will take offence.

Hogwarts - you've had a bad day and she's made you feel worse but although YES, you do need to confide in your mum or someone and start making this pregnancy real, you must still come back for support as only us on here know what you've been through and we want to continue to support you!!

xxx

Hogwarts,

please do not let a random poster spoil what has been a lovely supportive thread for you.

It has been one of the best threads that I have seen on MN, I loved that everyone was very supportive but reserved until you said that you were almost positive that you wanted to continue the pregnancy, then we all crawled out of the woodwork to say "YAY". I had tears in my eyes a good few times when reading your story.

You have struggled with so much these past weeks, you are singlehandedly bringing up your DCs, you have moved house, you are coping with a unplanned pregnancy that your husband does not want, and with the pressure he is putting on you.

I was in a similar situation a couple of months ago and I have said for the past 3 years that I would not cope with a further pregnancy and birth. I was really frightened but did not do anything about it, I just sat it out. I was more than 2 weeks late (and I am normally v. regular) and I did not do anyhing. So I can sympathise with you putting off the decision.

It is a life-altering decision, you are well within your rights to take the time to decide.

Hogwarts - I have seen many threads deliberating abortion on here but I have never seen the original poster be so so sensitive and apologetic to those who are ttc as you have been.

I hope you are ok, my heart breaks for you, I can understand why you are trying to protect your OH - as big as an a*shole (sorry!) he is being at the minute - you married him - he is the father of your children - I can understand.

Just want to wish you all the luck in the world x hope everything works out for you and your family xx

I didn't tell my Mum for a good few weeks when I found out about DS1 as I didn't want her to be disappointed in me. I knew she'd be supportive but I was dreading the initial response. I took my sister with me in the end and Mum took it just fine anyhow!

She said not long ago that she was sad that I felt I couldn't tell her straight away but everything's ok between us.

I know the reasons why you're putting it off but you will feel so much better once it's out in the open. What exactly do you have to discuss with your DH first? By not discussing it with you is he hoping it will all go away? Maybe you should tell him that you plan to tell Mum/parents on a certain date/day so that if he does want to talk to you about it then he knows there is a deadline and he has to make time from work . It's good that you're making practical arrangements re antenatal care. That will all help to make it more real.

My exDH didn't want me to go ahead with DD2 (he didn't really want DD1 either ) but there was no way I wouldn't have gone ahead with it. He left anyway later when they were both tiny but I've never regretted it.

Don't stop posting here! I am hoping for a happy ending for you but I have a feeling you will cope whatever happens. We just do don't we?! It sounds like you have good family and friends. Make the most of them!