ttc after mc July/August 2007 - shiny new thread as the other was full

[winemakesmummyclever]

Hi,

I hope nobody minds me adding a new thread, but the other wouldn't let me reply.

LadyLush - Sorry to hear about your loss . In answer to your question, I thought I was around 11-12 weeks pg, but the scan said the baby was around 8-9 weeks. When I'd had the ERPC, the gynae reg said the uterus was around 14weeks and the baby was still 8-9 weeks.
I'm sure things do get better with time, but things are still pretty raw and new for me. I'm glad things are getting back to normal for you (and hopefully for others too).

Hope you feel better tomorrow WMMC x

Just seen from other thread that you had MC very recently WMMC - am sorry for your loss, take time, be kind to yourself and hang on in there ((((hugs))))

Thanks Ellie - it seems to be a pretty common mantra that we are using. Hope you have an undisturbed night tonight. Take care .

Thanks girls but I don't think this is the mc yes I feel sad at times but it's more life in general, it's DP and I, it's money and never having any, it's my career which I gave up to come back up here but now I am virtually unemployable as my job was so specialised theres nothing like it up here so I'm left wondering what I spent the last 11 years doing before I had children options are to retrain which is costly or minimum wage job which isn't worth it with 2 in childcare so I'm stuck, lack of support over the mc from family and friends well lack of support altogether you know not one of them has offered to look after the DDs for an hour so DP and I could have some time together, we never get out together never have a break and thats not healthy. Someone metioned counselling and I have had some in the past with someone coming to the house as I cannot get anyone to watch the DDs so can't get out, it was OK but hard when you have a toddler zooming about to concentrate on your emotions if you see what I mean? I also get down about driving in that I have no confidence and will only drive roads I know well so I can't really go anywhere with the DDs apart from the local shops (had conselling for that too). So you see I'm a bit all over the place I just didn't see this life for me when I was younger, it's not what I wanted when I had children.

Sorry that was a bit long

WMMC - sorry forgot to say I;m thinking of you too hope you have a good sleep and tomorrow is a better day for you x

Oh ((SK)), I really feel for you. Are there any toddler groups that you can take DDs to that will help you get out and about? Or can anyone take the dds for a few hours and give you some me time, even if it's only to chill out at home? I'm not the most outgoing person, but I am going to make a concerted effort to take ds to a couple of groups now. It been difficult at times over the summer, and I am going to ensure that I get at least a few hours for me each week in future (and not to do housework ).

You mentioned retraining - try contacting your local lifelong learning centre or college. There might be something you could do there, and they may have a creche.
I hope that you are feeling a little more positive soon. I'm sure you're doing a great job raising your DDs, but do understand how your sense of self & identity can be changed by being a SAHM. I only finished work a couple of months ago and am no longer quite sure who I am anymore .

SK - just reread your post with the added benefit of caffeine. Are the girls old enough for a government-sponsored nursery place(if you qualify - think free nursery is 3yrs +, but could be talking out of my ample bottom ), or is there anyone at all who can take them out for even the shortest time? Try telling your family how difficult you are finding things right now - they may be more forthcoming with help. It's worth a try . Take care.

Oh why do I drink so much?
I didnt cry all day and I was very brave when one of the pregnant ladies kept asking questions, until I told her about the MC she soon buggered off then. Didnt talk to me much after that. I can only assume she thinks it is contagious. I also upset the other pregnant lady because she was smoking, she has given up but I got really mad and had to walk away!!!!
I have aslo become a sahm this year and it takes away your whole feelings of self-worth. I was in a respected profession before and now I am a 'mum', just not the same. It is very hard to get used to that.
Nursery places are free in the term the child is 3. So between September & December, Jan - April etc. follows the school terms. HTH
Hello Ellie how you keeping are you smiling yet.
Hello to everyone else on this very hazy sunday morning.
Off to the beach cafe for a hangover breakfast now.

Hello all - sorry everyone is feeling a bit gloomy.

SweetKitty - i am so sorry you are feeling low and hope you have woken up feeling a little happier. You have had a rough time with the trauma of the mc and then other events such as with people forgetting your birthday and the lack of support from family and friends, and no help with your children (even when you were mc you were still caring for them - what a fabulous mum you are!). I think when you have a traumatic event such as a mc it can make you feel just generally sad and low about your whole life (e.g. career etc..). Hopefully these feelings will lift on their own - perhaps with continued talking to DH and working out a way you can get some time away with him.

If things do not improve it may be worth seeing a counsellor - but hunt around some are better than others. They should also offer evening sessions so you can leave the DC's with DH - the whole point of therapy is to have some time focusing on you (difficult with a toddler running around).

When you are feeling a bit better perhaps building up your confidence in driving with the children could be a goal for you. Perhaps with driving a certain distance being the goal but working up to it slowly with smaller distances. I have been there with the driving thing - and know that once you have conquered it the world is your oyster - but the more you worrry and avoid it the less you want to do it. It is also amazing how making one little change in your life can effect everything else in a positive way.

Anyway - what a long post - but i am thinking of you

Lcy xx

RONSHAR - i totally understand the contagious feeling. To be honest i even felt like that when i posted on my antenatal thread after mc - ITS NOT CATCHING!!!

I haven't managed to read the whole thread yet, didn't get past Lcy's advice about drinking lots of wine
Would have to say that has helped me since miscarrying at 12wks, on 16/17 Aug. Would have been dc3 and we had thought we were in the all clear, having reached that point, so came as a huge shock. I had a erpc and physical recovery has been fine, emotional recovery is up and down, although last week felt ok and better than previous 2 weeks. Doesn't help that almost everyone else I know is pregnant.......
Tbh, still deciding when and if we are ttc again, not in the hurry I thought I might have been, had I imagined this situation. Anyone else feel like this?

Good morning all..
Sorry to see that see many are feeling in the depths of despair,struggling to come to terms with the hell that is miscarriage.

I think I might be a bit further on since my mc than many of you, and just wanted to let you know that slowly, it does get better. It doesn't go away, but i have learned to cope, and see the positives in my life again. The raw neeed for a baby is always there, but the pain and grief is starting to fade.

i think one of the good things about this thread is that we are all able to say exaxctly what we feel in a safe, and non-judgemental place. There is always someone who knows exactly what we have been through, or are still going through, but because we are all at different stages in the process of life/ttc after miscarriage, sometimes can maybe offer a ray of light as well as a supportive shoulder.

What I'm trying to say, in a waffly way, is just hang in there and give yourself time and space. Its different for everyone. I wanted to try again immediately, and did so, but if you need some time to heal before making that decision then do what is right for you.

Love to you all today.

WMMC - sorry, I do keep getting your initials wrong . Hope you are OK today.

Ellie - hope you got that good nights sleep!

Sweetkitty - good advice there from WMMC. Maybe it is the mc that has thrown everything in to sharp focus, or just made you very aware of the things you are not completely happy with. It certainly made me more aware of what I wanted out of my life, I hope you find yourself in a better place soon. x We are all there for you.

kg

Hi Scully - sorry to hear about your miscarriage - at 12 weeks it is so hard because you think you are in the all clear! I had a mc around the same time as you (but was 10 weeks). DH got some action last night for the first time - but just going to enjoy it for a bit rather than TTC. I flit between desp wanting to try again to not being so bothered - i know there are a few others on the thread feeling the same. I think this is mostly about worrying i will mc again though. However i really want a baby (i dont have any DC yet) so as DH put it - there is only one way to do it!

OK - by the length of my posts today it is obvious that i need to get out of the house and find some RL friends to talk to . Catch up with you all later xx

Morning Kensgirl - crossed posts

Scully, I was exactly the same as you back in March. I went for 12 week scan and there was no baby just a mass so no real idea of how long before the little bean had gone. Having an ERPC is one of the most soul destroying things I have ever had to do. The staff are great but you could be having an ingrowing toenail removal for them it is no different.
Swwetkitty, Lcy, WMMC and any one else who is new to this nightmare let us all help each other through.
I found it difficult that friends and family really didnt know what to do or say. general avoidance is the game round here!!
Mumsnet was a lifeline that I clung onto and still cling to most weeks. Even after 6 months.
What I am trying to say is that it takes a long time to understand how you feel and to process all the emotions that run rampant through you every day.
Use this thread as we have all done to try to make sense of it all and to ask the silly questions that you are afraid to ask real life people.
Sorry going on a bit my hangover has gone but replaced by a bone tiredness that is dragging me to bed.

evenine girls, how are you all doing today? DH has gone away for 4 days so I can relax and MN! YAY!

lcy - did you manage to get out and about today?

kg - how long has it been since your m/c if you don't mind me asking?

scully - sorry to hear of your recent m/c. I think the up and down varys tbh. I like lcy am going form yes to no to yes and back again - it's definatly a yes thou from us I think. it's a personal choice which you and DH/P need to come to together.

kitty- lcy speaks a lot of sence there girl keep talking to your DH honestly. he needs to know how you are feeling. totally agree with the needing time thing - is there anyone you couls ask? how do you get on with your family? will your parents or dp's take the LO's out for the afternoon - (tell them you need a break) and you're at breaking point. how old are your DD's again? -(I can't remember). have you thought about a childminding course - or working in a nursery/crech? if your eldest can get free placements that would just be the one child - in our area sure start offer a free course in both CM'ing and nursery work. - and what's more is they pay for the crech services whilst you're doing the course. perhaps something like that might help with your confidence a little?

with driving - I understand wher'e you're coming from - perhaps you could arrange a reg afternoon with the grandparents - alternative w/e's or something so you and DP can have time alone and perhaps he would drive in the car with you to get your confidence a bit on strange roads (might even find a little lane - weyhey! ) you really must tlak it out wiht DP as well. he can probably tell you're not happy. and as for DC3 - only you guys can make that choice - but if you do want a no 3 don't let your family's reaction to your m/c and announcement of a no 3 put you off having one iycwim. I really think you guys need to talk. do you have any close friends nearby who would do a pamper day with you - even if it's only a bottle of wine a face pack and a hair colour? leave DC's with DP and get out for the day.

ron - sorry you're feeling down as well - you're not just a mum - you're the director of human resorces and child development within your household, you manage daily tasks and also manage social outings and mettings in confied spaces. re the pg ladies thing - she prob didn't know what to say tbh. and as for th esmoking lady - well yes. I know where you're coming form there, one of my friends (due 2 weeks after I was and blabbed my news) is still smoking/drinking etc - gets to me sometimes) it's jsut not fiar - but then the experiences we go thru make us who we are and will make us stronger - feel free to come and tell us thou as i'm sure everyone here has had a similar exp.

wmmc - hope you're feeling better today sorry you've been feeling down as well.

glad every one enjoyed the cakes. - I forgot but did eat a box of oreos

aso found out another friend is pg on thurs - felt absolutly awful as well, as she told me (they need a lot of help with their first) anyhow she said 'sorry' straight after telling me she was pg - - yes it's a bit hard for me but it's her happy news iycwim. so felt rather down and about that. still onwards as they say. blood tests tomorrow so we'll see how we go after that - I think the dr's got me down to have every test going so hopefully it will throw something up.

same here ronshar - avoidance is the key and when DB said to me the other day 'do you not like x - (his new GF) was like yeah she's ok why and he said cos you weren't talking to her so I say well everything wiht the baby is still really raw (on the advice of my dr who says I should tell people to help with the grieving what's wrong instead of bottling thigns up) and he replied 'yeah' as if to say 'yeah and'

Sorry Lissielou I didnt mean to ignore you yesterday. I keep posting and running at the moment, makes it hard to continue a conversation! My wedding was in Worthing, West Sussex.
It was ok, drank too much usual wedding behaviour. How was yours?

I still want to know about the cake. How can I live thorugh you girls if you dont share??
Pipsqueek, you are completely right. People are really harsh if you lose a term baby it is more acceptable to be upset apparently. All I get told is that it wasnt a real baby yet and the best one is "it wasnt meant to be". I may be moved to violence if I hear that one again.
I am much more positive than I was 2 months ago so thats good!

LMAO! i'll share my choccy biccys? - i'm ment to be on a diet but sshhhhhh DH won't know he's not here! lol.

I know what you mean i's not ment to be along with 'well at least it happened now instead of down the line' are all I keep hearing and I want to screm I couldn't give a mokeys arse it still happened it's still real. it's still my baby. DS's sibling etc. but I guess I need to move forward.

Brilliant. I say monkeys arse and people look at me funny. Do you say monkeys uncle as well?

Yes it is all a case of smile and be happy even if you want to scream at these oh so sensitive souls who push your feelings aside.
I am going to go and retire to the sofa. My DH is feeling neglected. I keep forgetting this is a TTC after MC not just a moanathon. Should spend some time being nice to him.
Speak tomorrow.

lol. no not monkeys uncle! lol.
ahy talk tomorrow - ahev to still be nice to DH to get more bd'ing in - it's exhausting! lol.

Hi all,

ronshar- the cake fest was great and you won't be surprised to hear that alittlebit and gilly are good fun. Such a shame you couldn't make it- I hope DD is on the mend. We will have to have another one- any excuse to stuff my face! Well done for getting through the wedding- they seem to be a haven for the pg and those with new babies. I went to one last weekend, told myself i wouldnt drink to avoid getting emotional. That resolve lasted all of 15 mins, got drunk and the tears started flowing. I couldn't stop and I couldnt really explain why I was so teary. Not helped by the brides dad saying to me 'oh you've had a baby since we last met'! I managed to finish the chat with him and get back to my room before I had a little cry which is a massive improvement- I think a couple of months ago I would have collapsed in front of everyone.

pip- I completely agree about avoidance! Really sorry your DB was so insensitive. I am constantly stunned how some people can't see how we are grieving as though we should have just shrugged it off a week later and carry on as before. It does make me cross. Good luck with the tests tomorrow.

Also sending big hugs to those who have recently had a mc. It is only in the last month or so that I have started to feel more normal and am being sociable again. The past few months I have got great comfort from curling up on the sofa most nights watching DvDs with DH and avoiding the world outside. I am also beginning to enjoy things whereas I went through a really dark phase where I thought nothing mattered without a baby. I still have wobbly days but can recognise them as that rather than panicking I will never be happy again. I just wanted to give you some hope.

Kensgirl- you put this so much better than me!! Hope you're ok hon- is DH away now?

Hi everyone - i went out for a yummy sunday lunch and walk on the beach with some friends while DH played golf. Then DH and i have just been to see Breach at the cinema - it was quite good but not the Bourne Ultimatum! Enjoy your Sunday evenings x

all that cakefest talk made me go and bake and banana and choc chip cake just now . . . just finished a massive slice with a glass of milk . . .

i did a weird thing today - went and did a pg test and i really don't know why. i mean, i don't know much about the whole fertility thing (yet) but i knew there was no way i could be p/g. and yet i really wanted to see that single line for myself. maybe it was a closure thing, &*%! knows! but i didn't even feel that wistful when i threw it away, just looking forward . . .

anyway, its great coming onto this thread, there is hope and also just a good feeling when people feel the same as you. i can't believe that its only two weeks since my m/c - i think i have run through a gamut of emotions in a good way, largely thanks to the outlet/sanctuary of m/n. there is a huge gap in my life right now but i read so many good stories here and also so much positivity as well as reality.

i think i need to know the basics of TTC - can anyone recommend a site that explains all the CD1 etc?

Sooooo jealous about cakefest. Am eating some banana cake as we speak to make self feel better.
Love to you all ladies - ignore the smug PG people (apart from me I promise I am not smug as I prefice all conversations about beanie with 'of course it will probably go wrong and fall out and I will be horribly sad again but....') and the people who tell you 'It wasn't meant to be' or, my personal favourite, 'Well it probably was a good thing because it would have had loads wrong with it'. It's at that point I tell them to SHUT UP cos they do not know what they are talking about. TBH for a long time the only people I paid any attention to were you lot on MN as you were the only ones who knew how I was feeling. Tjuice - keep posting, this place was a lifeline for me after my MC and really helped keep me sane (ish).
Love to you all xxx