TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 33- huddle up and bring on the BFP's

[Mumlili8]

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This a safe place to get and give support for everyone who has experienced the loss(es) of a pregnancy and baby. Pregnancy and child loss is the most awful thing anyone can experience and it can also be the most lonely time too. I hope you find this thread to be of some comfort.

Also hope you’re ok @Russkispy

Thanks @Avocuddles and also as I know you'll be coming up to a due date

If there is a healthy thread I'd love to be on it, I promise I won't go on about being pregnant! I've just decided to start couch to 5k as I cycle to work and am reasonably fit but really want to start running again. Obviously I'll have to see how it goes but hopefully I can do it and the 9 weeks will be a good countdown to the 12 week scan and beyond. I really can't imagine how I'd feel if it's another TMFR but at least I could then focus on fitness

You should absolutely join us @Seahawk80 It is good to have things to distract you from worrying and pass the time. Link is above

Hi Ladies

Please excuse my rudeness for not replying to anyones posts and dumping my problems. Im really in a state tonight and needing a wee bit of support.

Since my miscarriage in November I have been tracking ovulation and I am now getting positives on opks so tried to get OH to do the deed tonight and it was a disaster 😔 Without going into too much detail he struggled to maintain things (an ongoing issue over the past year) I got really upset tonight and he said he doesnt see what the urgency is and his mind isn't on things just now as he is having issues with his ex and getting access to his son. Lawyers etc are involved. Hes saying im putting pressure on him but what else am I to do? Realistically if we only manage to babydance once per month then I need it to be at the right time.
I just want a baby 😔 for the past 4 years its been out of my hands ... I had cancer which required 2 operations, then my mum died and I had to come off certain medications before trying and its just all getting ontop of me. Im 39 in september so dont have alot of time on my side. The issues with my bfs ex isnt going to go anywhere anytime soon so am I just meant to again put what I want on hold??

The tears just wont stop and I have nobody to talk to about it all.

If your still reading ... then thank you. I really appreciate it.

@MissSparkles81 I'm so sorry. I feel your agony it's such an awful situation. The performance issue is a common one and something my oh struggled with too, especially when he felt pressure from me. I had to hide my agony on several occasions when we were trying after losing our daughter. I knew that any reaction from me would create a cycle and it was so hard as I was so exasperated.

In the end, what worked for us was taking the pressure off completely. We considered artificial insemination which is so unromantic but functional. Just having that as an option really helped and we never actually needed it in the end. I also tried to make it really exciting rather than just going through the motions.

I totally understand your agony, it's so bloody unfair, especially after everything you've been through xx

Thank you @Twinklelittlestar1 I know I am being unfair on him as he is under alot of stress just now. I have tried in previous months to not show my upset when things dont go to plan but I just couldnt hold it in tonight.

@MissSparkles81 I totally understand hun we have the very same issues including from my side of the bed too. Sometimes I struggle to get in the mood even though I know I'm ovulating. Ttc is so hard. I too am 39 and it's been a year of targeted dtd and all I've got is tears and cp's. It happens so easily for some but we seem to find it far more difficult. DH and I missed are only chance this last cycle because I flipped out and caused a huge argument ( I've no idea why!!). He said that I'm obsessed and it's making things unpleasant. I agree but I explained to him about my fertility decreasing rapidly because of my age and I think he kind of got it. We do put a lot of pressure on are men but why not why should all the pressure be on only the women. We spend all cycle worrying about everything little thing from will i ovulate, to when will I ovulate, to what supplements to take, to what to eat and drink and what not too and even silly things like keeping our feet warm during the tww. Then there's bbt charting and opks (and men think they have performance pressure, they should try producing the perfect egg and perfect uterus lining every cycle and then wrap them selves in bubble wrap for two weeks, then pee on a stick to see yet another failure. Not to mention the hell that is a miscarriage and the emotional trauma for weeks after too) Your both going to be parents to the child, you both should be doing all the prep and worry together too. That's just my opinion, I'm not preaching I promise lol x

@MissSparkles81 ah, I could have written your post this evening. Another failed attempt and I lost it a bit at DH. I don’t have any advice, but know you’re not alone. I might suggest artificial insemination although I really don’t think DH will go for it. Took 7 months to get pregnant, with only two of those months ‘trying’ at the right time, and it’s three cycles since my miscarriage & we’ve only successfully had sex once. I think I’m allowed to feel rubbish about that and get upset/angry. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Sending love to you, I totally get where you’re coming from xx

@MissSparkles81 I'm sorry you had such an awful time in the last few years and now his attitude is making things difficult. My DH and I BD a fair amount, however... he hates having timed intercourse, dislikes me checking my BBT in the morning/tracking and telling him about it, he commented to our friends (who have been through a fertility struggle) that he feels like a monkey performing in a circus, it stresses him out, puts pressure on him and takes away the joy and he'd rather just have sex with wife when we both want to. That's a tough one to hear.

Truthfully, I believe they do feel sorry for us because they love us and don't want us to be upset. It is a shared issue, I agree with that too, but they just don't approach it or see it the same way. They'll never really get it, they don't go through mc physically, they are not under the same time pressure as we are, they are likely not to be that connected to the lost baby/ies, they are different to us emotionally, and they simply are different people etc., etc. Your DP seems to be saying he too has a lot on his plate, although I get the issue is ongoing, but it might well be stressing him out. He probably wants to enjoy sex because it's a pleasure and stress release, and really, it used to be the same for us, women, before the loss, wasn't it? There's nothing malicious in this approach, he probably doesn't want to lose that and be under enormous pressure to get things up and perform there and now, it might not work then and ultimately he'll disappoint you, and he knows how much this means to you. I personally think it's worth speaking to him calmly about your feelings in general, but telling him about when to BD might not be the best idea. Just don't link the two topics together, if possible. I know they're linked in your head, but he doesn't need to think the same. I'd be trying this way. If you think it might succeed, just do your own thing with tracking/temping etc., don't tell him, and increase how many times you BD anyway so he simply can't work things out. He'll enjoy himself, you probably will find it more enjoyable too which is a good thing for both of you, and you'll be sure you've used your chance to conceive as well. Having sex only to conceive is likely affecting both of you and your relationship a lot more than you might think and this intimacy is very precious and important especially now, when times are tough. Don't lose it, both of you ❤️ Xxx

@MissSparkles81 I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I only saw the thread this morning. I think men see things differently from us in a way and they don’t like to feel things are artificial and forced. Suggesting AI might be a good idea to take the pressure off or just trying to dtd more but without time pressure. I know it’s difficult. The issues with his ex and his son will be there for a while of his some is young. My DH has two sons, teenagers, and their mother has caused problems over the years. His son is important but he needs to know how important it is for you to have your own child and many of us being the ages we are we don’t have the time to just see how it goes. Do you have the kind of conversation where you can sit and talk to him about how important this is to you? Hugs to you x

I’m sorry you’re dealing with something similar @tmc14 x

Hi everyone, sorry I've been quiet, still here in the background

@MissSparkles81 I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Seems a lot of our dh's feel the same about 'performing' and that it creates pressure. I've not shared with my dh when is the right time but I think even after 2 years he still doesn't fully understand the right time of the month to dtd to be in with a chance. It came to a head in the summer after my first loss and I gave him 2 options - we do the deed every other day for the whole month or we do smep and I track my temperature and use opks but that means I'll be telling you when we need to dtd. It actually helped as I'd told him the plan and so when it came to it he would jokingly till his eyes but it was in good humour. He agreed to smep and it did work, but sadly ended in my second loss. I've suggested we do that again but we haven't this cycle. It's really tough and I completely understand the anxiety you are feeling. Being able to try again gives me focus.

Loving the name change @BunnytheBlueWhale :)

Thanks for setting up the health thread @MrsMGE, I'll pop over :)

How are you @Avocuddles? Glad your appointment is next week. Mine is the following Tuesday, hoping we get a plan of action.

Sorry af arrived @Mumlili8, not long for your appointment, I hope you will get some investigations too. Have you ever tried accupuncture? When I first came off the pill my flow wasn't great at all but it massively improved after a few sessions. I still have 3 day periods but it's clear my lining is shedding.

Sorry I can tag everyone, I'm sorry to see new faces here, sending lots of love ❤️❤️ xxx

Just want to say that I've really appreciated everyone's support on this thread. It's nice to know that we can all dip in and out but there's always someone here. I'm not setting resolutions or anything, I feel a strange sense of something? Not sure what, not quite sadness but this year has been awful for all of us in so many different ways and we have got through each day. I don't want too look to far ahead, just take each day as it comes. Sorry, a bit rambly, but hope you get the gist! 😊 ❤️

Feeling like it might be time for a social meadow blackout, just wish I had the strength to step away! Have just seen a New Year's Eve gender reveal from DH's cousin, plus various people talking about their #amazing #blessed years all involving either newborns or babies due next year. It's taking all my strength to not rant about my f*cking awful year. Thank god I have all of you.....

Social media not social meadow! Though it sounds quite appealing.....

@VenusStarr I love this group too! You have been so supportive when I’ve need it. I think taking it day by day is fair

@Avocuddles I don’t really use Instagram or anything other than Facebook. Even then I rarely post, I just scroll through but almost always I come across a pregnant person or a newborn and every time I think I just need to cut it out. Honestly it doesn’t add anything to my life! I’m tempted to put a ban on myself, maybe just for January, and see how it goes...

I quit Facebook when I lost my daughter. I don't miss it one bit. It's filled with people sharing the happy sides of their lives, the sides they want everyone to see so it's absolutely depressing. Cut it out of your life, you won't be sorry!

I think you’re right @Twinklelittlestar1

@BunnytheBlueWhale @Twinklelittlestar1 @Avocuddles @VenusStarr @MrsMGE @tmc14 @Mumlili8 @Seahawk80 @SunshineCrocodile @Anny27 @JuniperAndRose @SunStruck @ReeRi and all you other ladies!

It's early but wishing you all a Happy New Year! I'm sure as mention below on the thread we will be seeing a lot more announcements, years in review, blessing shoutouts, etc. Social media never shows the true colours of all facets of life. No one will post the sad, tragic, life shaking events.

You ladies have all been my rocks this year. I know we've said it before but - I credit you all with keeping my sane. Thanks for listening. Thanks for replying - always. Thanks for your advice, support, virtual shoulder to cry on!

I am wishing every single of you only the best of what life has to offer, healthy, happiness and satisfaction for 2020. May we be treated kindly in 2020! We've got each other! You're all my inspiration!

Xxx

❤️❤️❤️ Happy New Year, ladies xxx

Happy New Year!

I feel a bit emotional, thinking of our daughter who was with us in 2019, thinking of the last NYE when we thought 2019 was going to the the best year ever because we would meet our daughter but not knowing she wouldn’t get to stay.

Thinking of all of you, the babies who didn’t get to stay with us and the ones that we are yet to meet xxx

Happy new year to all of you and thank you for all your support over the past six months. I hope this year is kinder to all of us, and that the next few months bring a positive step forward xxx

Happy new year ladies. I'm glad to see the back of a shocker of a year but I'm so pleased that I've found you lovely lot. Every person here is dealing with their own loss or grief but finds the time and strength to support others going through the same. Resilient, determined, generous women, all of you. Thank you.

Here's to peace and happiness in 2020 for all of us, however we find it.

Happy new year all. Thank you so much for the support the last few months, you’re all amazing, strong women. Wishing us all a kind 2020 xx

Happy New Year everyone, may 2020 bring successful pregnancies for you all and make the journey of getting there a peaceful one x

Hi ladies ... happy new year to you all. I hope you all had a lovely night however you were celebrating.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post. Apologies for just getting back to you. I needed a day away from social media.

We tried again last night and it was a fail too. Afterwards we had a chat and I said I was sorry for making him feel like he was under pressure. I said that I am not putting my life on hold till he sorts the contact issues with his ex but we both need to make more of an effort in the bedroom dept. If he doesn't want me to tell him when the right time of the month is then we need to have sex more and it can't be me instigating things. He agreed and I just need to accept that its not gonna happen this month 😔

Its reasurring to know that its not just us that are going through this. I genuinely am so grateful to all the support on this thread.

I hope 2020 is a good year for us all ❤

@tmc14 your story sounds exactly like us. 6 months to get pregnant too but only a few of those months were at the perfect time. Sending you a massive hug ❤