TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 33- huddle up and bring on the BFP's

[Mumlili8]

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This a safe place to get and give support for everyone who has experienced the loss(es) of a pregnancy and baby. Pregnancy and child loss is the most awful thing anyone can experience and it can also be the most lonely time too. I hope you find this thread to be of some comfort.

Hi all, sorry for radio silence - we're away and internet is a bit patchy!

Hi @Wishful30 and @TerribleImagination, I'm sorry for your losses and that you find yourselves here. Wishful my cycles have been a bit random following past losses, as @Avocuddles says it may take several cycles to settle back down and generally the later the loss the greater this effect may be (not for everyone though, would be far too easy if we knew what to expect eh)? Fingers crossed for both of you.

@MissSparkles81 I'm really glad to hear that your blood test was negative - sorry about the lack of ov this cycle but as @Mumlili8 says an anovulatory cycle after mc is pretty common and you'll likely ovulate as normal this cycle. How are you feeling?

@JuniperAndRose you're so brave to go and visit your friend. I'm sure meeting her baby will be bittersweet - does she know about the TFMR? I hope she's sensitive to that.

@Avocuddles hooray for AF (not something I normally say)! Hope you can go into the new year feeling positive that there's a plan, hope you get a monitored cycle ASAP. Spa day sounds great!

@Sunflower1608 I'm so sorry about the comment and I'm not surprised you snapped. I got asked similar at our staff Christmas do ('aren't you guys going to have another?) literally the day after I miscarried for the second time this year and it's a punch in the face. Hopefully the person who asked you will think more carefully before asking sensitive questions in future. Sorry you have the added stress of the lump, it seems pretty heartless to leave you dangling for a month without an answer. Hopefully doctor is right and it's nothing to worry about though.

@shanine so sorry to hear about your daughter and that you're struggling to conceive again. I hope you don't have to wait too long for a rainbow, this is a supportive place while you're on the journey.

@VenusStarr hope you get your results ASAP this time.

@SunStruck fingers crossed you caught the window despite funky temps, hope you're feeling better.

We're away for Christmas now and I have to say it's a relief to have a change of scenery and not have to deal with social occasions. It feels totally unchristmassy which I'm quite enjoying, no pressure to be merry and bright! Still in the first cycle post mc and I'm not tracking anything (never do as PCOS means ov sticks don't work and I'm too disorganised for temps) so may or may not have a fertile window while I'm here, we're going with the 'standard holiday shagging' method of TTC I'm feeling pretty good all things considered and managing to stay on track with healthy choices at mealtimes, getting some swimming in and generally looking after myself better than usual which is rather nice.

@TerribleImagination It really does help as many of us dont really discuss TTC in real life plus it’s different if you’ve had some kind of fertility struggles or loss

@Avocuddles Sorry I realised I didn’t answer your question properly! I don’t have any follow ups at all. EPAU told me to wait 2 weeks for a negative test, and to call if it’s still positive then. Because I wasn’t 6 weeks they said there was no point in them scanning me, which I understand. To be honest I think not having medical follow ups is better. Seeing an empty scan might have been just too much, even though I already know it’s gone :(

@Mumlili8 @VenusStarr @Avocuddles I went to my Dr today for a scan because I'm sure I've already ovulated, and I was right 🙄 I ovulated more than a week early 🤦🏻‍♀️ so we have definitely missed it.

The good news is that I'm going to start meds to stimulate my follicles to produce more eggs and quicker (just like Clomid). I'm going to start this protocol when I get my period, and I also got some hormone injections to help speed things up. Fingers crossed for 2020 - For all of us 🌈

Thanks @SunshineCrocodile - standard holiday shagging sounds amazing, much better than 'we have to shag tonight because I got a solid smiley' 🤣🤣

@Avocuddles I know you're also starting with meds in Jan - let's do this together! 👊

@Wishful30 @TerribleImagination I'm so sorry to read about your losses ladies 😔 it seems like we're all a bit older (I have seen threads where the majority of ladies are in their 20:s). I'm 36 ttc #1 so feel a bit more stressed about this baby situation.... sometimes it feels like I'm the only one struggling with this IRL, so this thread feels very supportive x

@SunStruck yes I'll be starting next month! I have my period at the moment but not starting meds until after new year as I need to get some supplements from GP this week and take them for a few weeks first. I have tablets to induce a period so I guess that if it doesn't come naturally in four weeks I'll be starting then. Let me know how you get on. What medication will you be taking? I'm 36 too so very much in the same boat....

@Avocuddles Letrozole day 2-6 of my cycle, and 2 injections of Gondal-F Day 2 and 4 of my cycle (if I remember correctly 😅).

I'm starting when my period starts, I'm so impatient! Maybe December isn't a good month to start but since cycles are so long, next time would be end of Jan... luckily with our private healthcare here through work it's not that costly with the meds, 72 quid for everything I need for a cycle.

Are you starting with Clomid?

Thanks ladies ... I didn't realise that you could have a period without ovulating. How naive I am lol.

Ive had a rough few days ... just feeling really low and having bad pmt. I literally can't believe that this time next week will be christmas day. I am just not feeling festive at all this year.

Apologies for not replying to everyone xx

Ladies I'm not at all religious more spiritual but I came across this and it just resonated with me it just goes to show were not alone no matter what you believe or don't believe. I hope no one is upset by this:

TO THE GIRL WHO HATED MY PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT...

I get it. I know the feeling.

That gut-wrenching, hard to breathe feeling.

Because I was that girl. The girl that saw yet ANOTHER pregnancy announcement on my newsfeed and just rolled her eyes. The girl that felt sick to her stomach because it wasn't me doing the announcing. The girl that was so angry that you didn't even have to try... It was an "accident". The girl that would cry behind closed doors because my heart was so broken that my body wouldn't produce a miracle like yours would.

I get it.

I'm so sorry.

I know seeing a pregnancy announcement yet again has made you an emotional hot mess.

I'm so sorry.

I know your heart is breaking into a million pieces all the while you are digging way down deep to express just an ounce of joy for the parents to be.

I'm so sorry.

I know the ugly jealous feeling all too well. The kind of feeling that makes you feel like you're back in high school, and it isn't a feeling you are proud of.

I'm so sorry.

This season of our lives has been hard. I'm talking all capital letter HARD. It's been ugly, heartbreaking, and full of hope that ends in despair. And while I wouldn't have particularly chosen this route for our life, I am learning to be thankful for what the Lord has taught me through my 17 months of infertility.

He has taught me to have faith.

And not the faith I thought that I had.. He has instilled in me the kind of faith that moves mountains... because let's be real: conceiving is an absolutely M-I-R-A-C-L-E. In the small amount of research I have done, I have learned just what all has to happen for a baby to be formed. And wow... It's such a one in a million miracle. Choosing to have faith in one of the darkest times of my life has allowed me to keep my eyes on Him rather than dwelling in my own sorrow. Because to have faith means to completely trust in... I choose everyday, multiple times a day, to believe that my God is for me and wants to grant me the desires of my heart. I have learned that I need His presence more than I need His answers and while I may not have all the answers, they have already been written by the most high God.

He has taught me patience.

Which is the worst. Waiting is no fun. But in my waiting, my eyes have been opened. They have seen the devastation and the depression that takes place while you wait. The unexplainable sadness that completely overwhelms every inch of your body. But in my waiting.... oh how I've seen just a glimpse of what Jesus sees in us. Waiting for us to draw closer to Him... waiting for us to choose what is right... waiting for us to just be still in His presence. While waiting may not be what you'd choose, it is necessary to realize the miracle that will unveil before your very eyes.

He has taught me compassion.

My heart has completely changed. I see you over there holding that sweet baby in the nursery longing and dreaming of the day you hold your own. I see you crying at baby dedication when the pastor talks about how big of a blessing children are. I see you cringe when you get asked once again when you’re going to have a baby and you just want to punch them in the face and cry all at the same time. I see you avoiding your pregnant friend like the plague because it's just too hard... and there was a time when I did not even notice any of it. I have seen the other side, and I get it. There was a time when I wouldn’t have checked on a friend who had a miscarriage, or lost their baby due to unforeseen circumstances, or who can’t conceive no matter how hard they’ve tried, or the one whose adoption process has fallen through once again because I didn’t want to bring up any pain… But I’ve seen just how therapeutic it is to have someone who just cares. I mean truly cares. Someone that will take just a minute out of their day to check in with you and won’t accept “doing good” for an answer- because we all know that’s a lie. Someone that will drag you out of the house for some coffee, and depending on the day, will either sit there in the silence or will let you pour your heart out, and they won’t tell a soul. It is SO important to surround yourself with trustworthy people who get it because without it, it is a dark place that the Lord has not called you to walk alone.

My time of infertility has been an emotional roller coaster. Times of hope and times of heartbreak. But through it all, the Lord has never left my side. He has been there even when I didn't want to acknowledge Him. He has been there through my excitement and my daydreaming. And He has been there through my heartbreak and despair.

But I know with all of my heart that even if the Lord didn't bless us with a baby, my God is sovereign and He hears my cries... the pleading prayers, the constant tears, the angry outbursts, the jealous fits, and even the moments you feel like giving up. I've come to realize just how much He loves me in the process.

So here is my prayer for those of you in your waiting period...

I pray your hormone levels even out to what they are supposed to be in Jesus name. I pray for regular cycles. I pray for clear Fallopian tubes... no blockages of any kind. I am speaking healing over your ovaries. I pray for your uterine lining to be strengthened. I pray for any and all endometriosis to be non-existent. I pray your PCOS is healed or easily controlled. I pray against any cysts that may hinder your ability to get pregnant. I pray for your follicles to mature and your eggs to grow. I pray for you to ovulate at just the perfect time. I pray for the sex to be fun and for your love for your spouse to grow so deeply. I pray for his sperm to reach your mature and healthy eggs and for them to fertilize at just the right moment. I pray the healthy follicle embeds into your uterus and grows into the most perfect miracle(s)... I pray for your hearts to be softened and for you to not feel alone. Because you aren't. I pray for your faith to deepen, your patience to increase, and for compassion to flood your veins. My prayer is for the Lord bless you and keep you... may His face shine upon you. May He show you favor and give you unexplainable peace.

So, this is for the girl who got another negative pregnancy test this morning… to the girl who has no idea why this is so hard for her… to the girl whose heart is so bitter… to the girl who has lost a child due to miscarriage or heartbreaking circumstance… to the girl whose adoption process has failed once again… to the girl who has one child but can’t seem to get pregnant again… I love you. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I know it’s just not fair. But, I am so thankful for your hearts and for what the Lord is teaching you through one of the most difficult times of your life. This does not define you. Jesus has already done that. Don’t miss what could be the greatest journey of your life because it isn’t exactly what you pictured. Don’t let the bitterness and jealousy flood your veins distracting you from what the Lord wants to accomplish through your circumstances.

Thank you Lord for showing me how to use what the enemy meant for destruction and showing me, through the pain, just how much you love me… and I pray that He shows you too. I am praying that when your miracle arrives, they are the beautiful ending scene to the story the Lord has written for you. Don’t miss it. This is a story worth telling.

476 days of infertility.
Thousands of dollars in medical bills.
11 months of Clomid.
Injection after injection.
Prescription after prescription.
Ultrasound after ultrasound.
Hundreds of needle pricks.
5 IUIs.
Months of failed treatments.
And 2 pink lines to remind me how faithful my God is in the midst of it all and that it was worth every single second.

@Mumlili8 Thanks for sharing. I think what resonated with me was that going through something difficult, whether it be losing a child or having difficulty getting pregnant or repeated miscarriages, does make you compassionate. When I was pregnant the first time it would not have occurred to me that there might be people who found it difficult to hear or that people who have suffered loss want support and to not feel alone. And now I see everything so differently and there must be loads of people around me suffering in silence and maybe finding it as difficult as I do to see others having healthy babies without a care in the world...

@SunStruck no it's Letrozole for me too. I have the drugs at home as well as progesterone for inducing a period if I have another long cycle. The intention is to take the drugs in conjunction with ovulation monitoring (scans etc) so I have an appointment with a nurse on 6th jan to discuss next steps. All on the NHS for me at the moment (bar prescription costs) which I'm very grateful for though £72 sounds good!

@Mumlili8 I was brought up in the church but don't consider myself particular religious now, but your post did resonate with me nonetheless. I hope to be that person one day. Thinking about it it has been far more than 476 days for me, but what would counting achieve? I've had those two pink lines twice and neither has worked out, but I try to have faith that one day it will happen again and it will last. However I also don't want to punish myself if it doesn't work out. I hope so much that I get to experience that journey, but I also hope that my life will be a positive journey regardless of whether it includes children or not. I just wish I knew one way or the other!

@Avocuddles I echo how you feel about that post too. I've had so many double pink lines that didn't work out. I just pray that one day I'll get keep and raise one of my babies or know that it'll never be, either way I'd like to know too.
@ReeRi I too was very innocent the first time I was pregnant, it happened quick and I just though right time for a baby, it happened and I did the big Facebook announcement and told anyone who would listen. It never crossed my mind that someone else would be in so much pain. Now I do know and wish I was that ignorant girl again, you know the one where everything was sunshine and roses, what I wouldn't give to have one baby that just sticks without a loss of any description and I wouldn't know the pain I do now. On the other hand if it happened and I get to keep my miracle I would so thankful and probably still want to broadcast it everywhere.

@Avocuddles this is exactly what I am doing (minus the progesterone because I do get my periods). I did have to induce my period after 10 years of being on the pill with progesterone though and can vouch for how effective it is!

I think I've missed to let you know I've already done a cycle like this in September, and I got pregnant that cycle! Unfortunately had an early miscarriage but at least it works 😄 I didn't continue with it because DH was traveling for work the month after, and I thought let the body go back to normal life after mc for best chance. Was hoping we would catch naturally but with my unpredictable cycles I've obviously ovulated super early this time (first time ever on day 17.... usually day 25 or more) so we're definitely out this cycle. With the new year looming I just want to get going, my next predicted natural ovulation would be end of Jan 🙄

I'm also following up with scans to check and to be able to catch the egg.

Fingers crossed for us both 🥰🌈🌈

@SunStruck it's encouraging to hear that you did conceive on your previous monitored cycle even if it sadly didn't work out. After two losses I'm setting myself up emotionally for a third but at least the meds might increase my chance of getting pregnant in the first place - it took a year first time round, and although I conceived again only a couple of months later It appear that I haven't ovulated at all since that second loss.
We're away visiting assorted family from 24th dec to 2nd Jan in environments not particularly conductive to DTD (small houses, thin walls!) though I will try to ovulation test just to see what is going on. I've been told to make sure I'm not pregnant for our next appointment on Jan 6th so I assume I'll start the meds around then, or the following week which would be 28 days after this period. My period does always come eventually but it was 60 days this time round

You know @Mumlili8 I don’t think it’s wrong of people to the do Facebook announcements really. I didn’t do any of that as I don’t really post much on Facebook and acoustic media but I think if others do then it’s okay for them to share their joy. I think I’d 1 on 1 they are insensitive when we know we have lost babies or can’t get pregnant or whatever then that’s hard but most people have some loss or hurt in their lives and I think it’s fair for them to share the happy times, if that makes sense? And I know I can just not go on Facebook. Instead, I just snooze people who are pregnant or posting pictures of their newborns!

Hope everyone is OK? Struggling a bit but trying not to focus on the enormity of what's happened this year. I did reflect that although we've been ttc 2 years, we have actually only tried to concieve 4 times this year and I got pregnant twice, which does make me feel a bit better.

Focusing on my weight loss, 9.5lbs down today at my pre-Christmas weigh in which I'm really happy with.

Sending love xxx ❤️

@VenusStarr Yes getting pregnant twice is a good sign and well done on the weight loss!

I’m feeling rubbish. Just feeling down and came home from yoga (the irony!) and basically started an argument with DH. I was just letting off steam really but he didn’t react well and we ended up having a massive argument. He was going out anyway and it’s probably for the best but I don’t really know what to do with myself now 🙄

I also ended up calling MIL upset as I was a bit overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do, which is usually fine except we were in the middle of a big argument, and now feel a bit silly 😬🙈

Really well done on the weight loss @VenusStarr! That's fantastic and I'm sure will be in your favour for ttc. I'm trying to stay mindful on holiday - not dieting as such but making sure I get plenty of fruit, veg, protein, water and going easy on the treats!

Agree this year seems a shocker looking back. We've been TTC since Jan and I've been pregnant 3 times, a CP and 2 MMC at 10+ weeks. Pretty shitty but I'm hanging onto the hope that next time will stick (if I'm lucky enough to get pg again). Trying hard to look forward and not back, the new year is a good time to think about new beginnings and not what has gone before.

@ReeRi sorry you've had an argument, it's not surprising at all - you have to let off steam somewhere. Don't feel silly, sure MIL is old and wise enough to know that arguments feel worse when you're in the middle than afterwards. I hope you're both able to cool down with a little distance and talk it over calmly later (assuming it was just a row that escalated and not him being an arse).

Thanks @SunshineCrocodile Yes hopefully she won’t think anything of it and I’m sure DH and I will be fine later but I too am thinking back over this last year. Last Christmas I was nearly 8 months pregnant and since then I found out she’d died, given birth, buried her, moved house, found out I’m pregnant again then had a CP/MC and now I’m back at work and live is somewhat back to reality. I’m finding this Christmas a little bit difficult at times.

I know many of us on here have had a tough year. I have no idea what 2020 will bring but I hope it brings good things of us

Hi ladies. Sorry to hear that so many of you are struggling/ feeling low at the moment. It's such a tough time of year, especially for those who have sad memories associated with the Christmas season, or had high hopes of a very different experience to what we are actually going through.

@ReeRi don't be hard on yourself, you have been through so much over the past twelve months and you're doing an incredible job keeping going and looking forward. Arguments happen in any relationship let alone one which has weathered the hardest of storms. I'm sure things with both DH and MIL will be ok, but in the meantime spend your evening doing whatever makes you feel relaxed. For me it would be having a hot bath, watching something trashy on netflix, lighting some candles. Whatever works for you, turn your attention to yourself rather than worrying about others.

@VenusStarr congrats on the weight loss, you're doing brilliantly.

@VenusStarr @SunshineCrocodile It's natural to be struggling with thoughts of everything you've been through, but hopefully the future will look a lot brighter for you.

I'm feeling up and down at the moment. Part of me is keen for the new year to come around. After 19 months TTC and two losses this year I'm hoping that 2020 will be a more positive one, especially now that I have the support of the fertility clinic to at least help me have another shot at getting pregnant. On the other hand my first due date would have been in the second week of January and my DHs best friend and his partner are due to have their first baby at the exact same time which is going to be hard. I'm also struggling seeing one of my colleagues get bigger and bigger (she's 7 months) and moan a lot about pregnancy. She knows what I've been through and does try to be sensitive most of the time but it's still very difficult, and I'm already trying to think of an excuse to work from home on the day of the 'secret baby shower' some other members of the team have planned for her.
Christmas Day is going to be spent with DHs family which might be tough as his cousin and sister in law are both expecting and my mother in law is already completely obsessed with their older child / her only grandchild which makes me feel pretty inadequate sometimes. Between Christmas and new year we're going down to stay with my family which will be much easier as there are no babies and no pregnant ladies! My sister has always been adamant that she doesn't want children (and still lives with my parents in her 30s) so there is also zero chance of pregnancies announcements so we'll be able to truly relax for a few days with a few drinks, plenty of food and some board games before the January health kick / teetotal time begins.
I've already told DH that if having a family doesn't work out for us next year we're going to go away as a couple for a big holiday somewhere away from all of the newborns and children. We love them dearly but it all gets a bit much sometimes.....

Hi ladies how are you all doing?
@ReeRi sorry your having a crap day it's expected you had an awful year x
@SunshineCrocodile hope you're having a good time on holiday x
@VenusStarr well done on the weight loss. Wish I could say the same, I've cut the treats and increased the exercise and some how put weight on 😕. Oh well ill double my efforts after Wednesday.
@Avocuddles hope you enjoy your time away over Christmas and fingers crossed your appointment goes as planned. I have mine on the 7th I'm actually very nervous about it. But it's a positive start to the new year maybe we will all be moving over to the graduation thread before next Christmas x

I know it really early ( 8 or 9 dpo) but I tested with frer this morning bfn, so gutted it would have been so good to have been pregnant before the end of the year but it looks like I'm not again. According to FF my next ovulation day is the day I go for my appointment with Rmc (7th January) so humm to dtd or to not dtd that is the question, mind you that's if DH is upto it as his back is giving him pain at the moment.

I'm off the plow through the laundry now as I'm at work all Monday and Tuesday so today and tomorrow are the only days I can blitz the house be fire all the relatives turn up. At least AF will hold off for Xmas but I get to see in the new year with the witch instead oh the joys xx

@Avocuddles Thank you I am beating myself up a bit. BUT funny you say that, I have been watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend and am running a hot bath!

I’m sorry you are up and down. I get the difficulty of other pregnancies and babies around. Absolutely work from home or just book the day off to avoid the baby shower. Can you just email in on the morning and say you’re not feeling 100% and don’t want to spread anything so will work from home? Your colleague is insensitive for behaving that way.

Sorry you got a BFN @Mumlili8 but it is very early. I would say just see how it goes with TTC for the next cycle if you’re not already pregnant. This month has been a bit like that for us with DH’s op but we managed to start dtd again just as I’m in my fertile period but I’m not hopeful and really have little idea what my body is doing after last cycle