TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 33- huddle up and bring on the BFP's

[Mumlili8]

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This a safe place to get and give support for everyone who has experienced the loss(es) of a pregnancy and baby. Pregnancy and child loss is the most awful thing anyone can experience and it can also be the most lonely time too. I hope you find this thread to be of some comfort.

I think I'm going to isolate myself from all of them, in fact, from all women of childbearing age, and only see them if absolutely necessary. Luckily, I have a close friend who's mid-40s and two childless friends who are not even thinking about it yet, they are the ones keeping me sane (-ish). Why do good things happen to everyone else but not me?

My periods were pretty much normal after a 4-5 week miscarriage @ChangeyMcChangeChange

Oh it’s rubbish @MrsMGE I feel like everyone else is pregnant! I met a friend for lunch as she asked if I’d heard that someone we used to work with is pregnant. Well no and I didn’t need to but she wasn’t being malicious and didn’t sound happy about it herself!

@ReeRi it's so rubbish, isn't it. I found myself going through my phone and listing women who I suspect will announce their pgs in the near future (not that many left considering how many are already expecting 🙄), as if to brace myself for more depressing news coming my way. I actually think I'd deal better with another miscarriage if it needs to happen again, than with this stagnation, at least I'd know my body is still capable of getting pg, at least something would have changed, at least I'd be closer to having checks...of course I never want to lose another baby, but to be truthful, I don't know what is worse anymore, grieving the loss or going through months and months of TTC post loss with no success 😔

Yes @MrsMGE I do feel the worst part of this is not knowing whether it will happen for us. If I could be confident I’d have a healthy baby one day then I could live with that but it just feels so unlikely although it isn’t really. I can’t possibly rule out it not working out.

I’m also trying not to put things on hold. There’s a position I’m interested in, chair of a professional association that is relevant to us, but I would really like to do it properly and not take it on and then go on mat leave BUT realistically I would love to do that role and if I get pregnant then surely that would be a bonus and it would probably be at least 6 months until I went on mat leave and I don’t want to put things on hold. I also don’t know if the opportunity would come around again.

Meanwhile right now I can hear my secretary taking to the pregnant lady about her pregnancy which is annoying as they are not friendly at all usually and my secretary knows I don’t want to hear about it.

@ReeRi Go for it. It's 2019, we shouldn't be held back because we're pg or, even worse, because we might be pg in the future. This opportunity may not arise for many years to come and you'll have major regrets that you didn't apply. And if things go your way, you can be a perfectly successful mum, lawyer & chair of the association.

PS - That's not re your secretary. People sometimes are so tactless.

not cool re your secretary, I meant @ReeRi*

I know @MrsMGE I’m probably be unreasonable but she have had the conversation quietly closer to the pg lady desk or somewhere else! I have PMT so I know I’m being extra sensitive...

Awwww @MrsMGE I am so sorry. I am with you on the whole pregnancy announcements today. Im in that angry phase just now. Ive seen a few social media posts today and I hate myself for feeling jealous and angry at them 😡 so I really get it.

Thank you so much @Mumlili8 for my beautiful package that arrived today. It was so kind and thoughtful. 💖

So today I went to the hospital to get my APS (antiphosphilipid) bloods done. Im not sure how long they take to come back but hopefully wont be too long.

I was supposed to have counselling today but I just couldn't face going. I know its supposed to help but I just didnt want to talk about it today.

Im doing well on the eating .. well its been 2 days lol but I have tracked everything on my fitness pal. Hope it continues.

Hope the rest of the group is doing ok tonight 💖

@MissSparkles81 your not alone in that angry place today. My best friend is pregnant with her 8th child and sent me her scan photo today saying I'm 13 +4. It's like salt in a wound.
Well I've not got a chance this cycle. DH is away the entire fw. So yet another horrible Christmas to look forward too

Sorry you're also feeling like this @MissSparkles81. I also hope you get your results quickly.

It's just depressing. I'm not so much jealous, I don't want their kids, I just want my own and the fact everyone else seems to be getting pg so easily is making me feel so down and inadequate, like there's something wrong with me.

I went to my acupuncture appointment today and for the first time it didn't help me. That's depressing too. I'm sat at home feeling just as down as before. Going to see a counsellor tomorrow but not convinced about how successful this might be.

I basically feel I've been spending money for months on things that perhaps did make me feel better, but so what. I'm still not pregnant, what's the point. It's not grief anymore, well, not most of the time. It's pure, raw anger, frustration, helplessness, feeling of injustice (why is this happening to me now after all the shit I've been through), desperation. I said few days ago that I gad glimmers of hope still. I don't anymore. I have no hope. Is there a cure for that? Do I even need one?

I think I'll go tomorrow and then quit this whole shabang of therapies and what not, I can't see how anything apart from being pg again can sort this out unfortunately xxx

@Mumlili8 crossed posts ❤️ You're not alone, seems like a lot of us are having one of those days. I'm sorry to hear this, it's just bonkers she's sending you scan photos (!). Did you tell her that you don't want to see them in case she (somehow?!) hasn't sussed that out?

Also I've eaten two biscuits, a small pack of crisps and about 10 celebrations today... gross. I shouldn't be justifying this with feeling low. I need to get a grip and get back on it tomorrow. It's a new day, hopefully better for all of us ❤️ xxx

@MrsMGE I really don't think she cares. Everyone of her children has a different father and she can't afford the ones she already has, she doesn't work. Every time the latest baby gets to around 18 months she goes out brings home a man and is pregnant within 2 months. If I didn't love all those beautiful kids I might have walked away. Trouble is I love her and the kids so much and I met my DH through one of her exes.

That’s insensitive of her @Mumlili8 I remember you mentioned her before

@MrsMGE 2 biscuits, a small packet of crisps is nothing compared to what I eat every day!

Hi everyone

@MissSparkles81 I had my blood tests with the rmc at the end of October - it's 7 weeks on Wednesday and I've still not heard anything. I was hoping to hear back soon, I have chased the secretary this week. I don't know about you but I have been almost hoping that they find something wrong so they can treat me next time.

@Mumlili8 ❤️❤️ I'm so sorry your friend is incredibly insensitive. I remember you sharing that she was pregnant. I'm sorry your dh is also away during your next fertile week.
Thank you again for the bracelet - I've got it on today and prayed HARD 🌈 xx

Sorry you're not having a good day @MrsMGE ❤️ tomorrow is definitely a new day. I can relate to the not wanting to keep talking with a counsellor. Give yourself some time, it's OK to stop xx

@ReeRi ugh, sorry you've been dealing with insensitive twats today too ❤️ that opportunity sounds great.

I worked from home today. Too much information but I am very aware of my cervix, it seems to spasm and I'm still quite crampy. I was actually quite productive so feeling better about that. I also went to town this evening and finally started my Christmas shopping.

@MrsMGE I'm 100% with you in feeling like the only person in the world who isn't either pregnant or nursing a newborn. I am the only one of my friends who doesn't have children. I love all their little ones so much (my Christmas present list is HUGE), but it is sad knowing that this season means something very different to them than it does for me.

A diary invite was emailed to me today for an office 'baby shower' in January for the team member whose due date is a month after when mine would have been. I tentatively accepted then instantly blocked out my diary to work from home that day as I think it will be too much to take and I don't want to ruin her happy moment.....

You are right that infertility / taking a long time to conceive is very painful. I'm up to CD54 today and have been ovulation testing for 45 days! Thank god ive been using internet cheapies, we'd be bankrupt by now if I'd been using clearblues!

@ReeRi you should go for the Chair opportunity. Who knows what the future holds but in the here and now this is clearly something you are interested in and which will enhance your life. I know exactly what you mean about the difficulty of 'not knowing'. If I were told tomorrow that children would never be on the cards for us it would be devastating, but we also would be able to begin the process of grieving and finding our way forward rather than living in a state of limbo as we have been for 19 months now. From now until the new year I'm going to try my hardest to live my life as a normal person, as the old me rather than the 'fertility struggles' or 'pregnancy loss' me. It's far easier said than done though, and it's rare that an hour passes without one or the other crossing my mind.

@ChangeyMcChangeChange after my first miscarriage my initial period was very light and only lasted a couple of days, but the period after the second one was quite heavy and stopped and started several times over the space of about eight days. I guess it's different for everyone, but I hope that things are as 'normal' as possible for you.

@Mumlili8 I don't get the insensitivity of people sometimes! My sister in law keeps sending me scan photos along with pictures of her son, I try to avoid acknowledging them for as long as possible but she doesn't seem to get the message! It must be incredibly tough knowing someone going through their eighth pregnancy, it feels like she's rubbing salt in the wound.
I'm sorry that you feel like Christmas will be horrible for you. I really hope that a new year and a new start are what we all need. You are a wonderful person and have really cheered me up this week when I've been struggling greatly. I'm wearing my little bee now.

@MrsMGE you should see how many sweets and biscuits I've been ploughing through lately! As I said the other day, the health kick begins in January - there's no way I could manage it at the moment. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. There's no harm in taking a break from the therapies - maybe you could treat yourself to something indulgent without any links to TTC such as a good spa session with a friend instead? I dread to think what I've spent so far on acupuncture, supplements etc, it could definitely have paid for a decent holiday.

@VenusStarr how frustrating that you still haven't had any results through. I'm feeling very conscious of every cramp and twinge at the moment, I'm continually convinced that AF is about to arrive but it always comes to nothing.

@MrsMGE I get it ... when I say im jealous its the same as you. I dont want their kids either it just feels so unfair that they have what I want 😔 Why did this have to happen to me? That sounds so awful like I am wishing this on other people but Im not honestly.

@VenusStarr I would def chase it up. I did not wait 7 weeks last time for my results. Im not sure where in the UK you are but your Gp should be able to access your results so maybe worth giving them a call?

@Mumlili8 how insensitive of your friend. Some people just dont bluddy think do they? Thats rotten that your hubby is going to be away this cycle 😔

@MrsMGE I completely understand how you feel. It seems like everyone is catching fairly quickly (and not losing them...), and I feel I'm in the small percentage that will take more than one year to catch (and I'm not even certain the next time around will be successful). It's daunting having 2 miscarriages and no children, it's scary to think about the future. I think we just have to soldier on unfortunately, because we know how much we really want this. I think you, @Avocuddles, @ReeRi and @Mumlili8 probably have it worse than me because all your friends are having kids and it's surrounding you. Our friends out here are a bit younger and not at that stage yet, but our best and longest friends back home are just starting to try (we all got married last and this year). I know it sounds silly and it's no competition, but I'd be devastated if I hear about one of them getting pregnant quickly because we've tried for one year now! Don't get me wrong, obviously happy for them, just sad for myself. Sending lots of hugs to all of you, it's not easy. Let's all try to enjoy the Xmas season and then turn a new leaf for the New Year! Support eachother in the health journey and looking at alternative methods for those of us that haven't tried it yet if it doesn't happen in X months.

@MrsMGE remember what you said about being kind to yourself? Don't beat yourself up for eating a few cookies and a bag of crisps please! Your body might not need it, but your mind does from time to time. You're good and eating healthy otherwise, it really makes absolutely no difference! ❤️

@VenusStarr how are you girl? I'm sorry to hear you're cramping, hope it's because it's all healing! I was cramping a bit after surgery too, I think that's normal? How are you feeling otherwise, you're just waiting for the results now?

Why is it always bold fail for me?!

@Avocuddles @ReeRi @Mumlili8 @VenusStarr I'm still here, following your progress in the background.
My DE FET transfer was in October and I got a strong BFP on HPT but 4 days later it was all over. Was absolutely gutted. AF finally arrived on Saturday and I'm flying home/to my clinic for various tests, including hysteroscopy/scratch, trombophilia and everything else they can test me for! Up to October I had miscarriages with my own eggs. But in October we used donor eggs/top quality embryo and I still had a CP/early miscarriage. Trying to find answers before doing next transfer. Possibly next month.

Thinking of you all 🙏🏻🤞🏻

@Russkispy hello lovely I'm so sorry this happened to you again. I hope what ever the problem is it can be fixed. Sending you healing vibes x

@Mumlili8 thank you! Yes, it was rubbish, especially that I wasn't use my eggs anymore. Could blame on my rotten ones anymore. So hopefully the tests will give me some answers 🤞🏻
And I'll be praying for BFPs for each one of us in 2020! We so bloody deserve it!

Aww @Russkispy so sorry 🌺 Sending you lots of love and I hope the tests will be helpful and the doctors will be able to help you. I'm sorry this is happening to you, it shouldn't be happening at all 🌺 xxx

Preach @SunStruck, preach. You're right about soldiering on.

Also thank you for all your comments @ReeRi @Avocuddles @MissSparkles81 @Venusstarr @Mumlili8 (sorry if I have unintentionally missed anyone ❤️)

Months ago I felt bad because I thought the way I was feeling was bitter and bitchy. I now understand it's not that, it's called desperation.

I think I have moved on from grieving to being desperate for another baby and devastated it's not happening. Not sure when that shift happened. I still sometimes get emotional about my first one, but I can live with it. I accept that death is, sadly, part of life. What I don't accept is the cruelty of life that after something like this, I picked myself back up and done well, and now the bitch is throwing inability to get pg again at me. Ffs, as if that was not enough. I know a lot of you can say the same about having more than one loss too, what is the point of that. We've already been hurt, that's enough, surely?!

Do you ever feel like giving up, genuinely? Letting go off that TTC business? I am on the verge right now, the hope is gone and I don't think any kind of therapies or happy events will help with that. Xxx