TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 33- huddle up and bring on the BFP's

[Mumlili8]

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This a safe place to get and give support for everyone who has experienced the loss(es) of a pregnancy and baby. Pregnancy and child loss is the most awful thing anyone can experience and it can also be the most lonely time too. I hope you find this thread to be of some comfort.

@MrsMGE I completely agree with that. I’m a planner too. I love putting things in the diary (always have) and I think that’s part of the control and order thing.

@Crumbsinthecarpet I didn’t track this month but guessed when I might have ov from CM 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you’re not sure I say do the BD every other day or as much as possible

I’m feeling a bit crappy today, probably PMT!

Congratulations on the promotion @MrsMGE! I'm glad you have had a positive (and I'm sure very well deserved) experience after such a tough year.

Seeking some fertility support sounds like a proactive idea. Would you be eligible for NHS support? My experience so far has been NHS but I understand the process is pretty much the same so if you have any questions let me know.

@MissSparkles81 @SunStruck @MrsMGE @ReeRi thanks for your supportive comments! Long cycles are very frustrating but I'm used to it by now - I only had 5 bleeds in my first year after stopping the mini pill and had conceived myself I was infertile so falling pregnant (albeit unsuccessfully) was somewhat surprising....
I wound myself up last night by (foolishly) scrolling through some TTC boards on here. There were numerous women 10 years younger than me ranting away because they haven't conceived on their second or third cycle of trying. I know that everybody is entitled to their own feelings but the levels of melodrama made me feel like tearing my hair out. Appreciate this probably makes me sound like a horrible person but I think I'll be avoiding those groups for the time being as all they did was make me feel even worse about my own situation. Thank god that I've got you amazing ladies here who understand how long and difficult the journey to parenthood can be.
I'm hoping that if I don't conceive naturally within the next month or so I might be able to start medication in the new year, but will let you know how my appointment next week gets on....

@MissSparkles81 I think technically day 1 is the day of the miscarriage rather than the BFN, however cycles after a loss might be longer than usual. My first one was actually shorter than usual at just 30 days, though as above cycle 2 is up to CD49 now...

That would annoy me @Avocuddles I know we shouldn’t judge others’ struggles by our own but I am guilty of that too on a bad day!

@Avocuddles no need to apologise ... rant away. I know what you mean about some of the threads on here. I try and not read them to be honest as like you it would just wind me up.

Ah ok ... so would CD1 be the day that I started bleeding?

@MissSparkles81 yes I believe so! Though if the actual miscarriage bleeding lasts a number of weeks your first cycle could potentially be a little longer than usual.... your first period after the miscarriage might also be different to usual in terms of flow, duration etc.

@Avocuddles thanks hun. My bleeding lasted just short of 3 weeks. Ive started tracking again today with opk's so will have some idea of whats happening.

Hope you have a lovely evening xx

@MissSparkles81 thanks! I hope everything settles down quickly for you. My first period after my 2nd miscarriage arrived 30 days after I started bleeding, though I didn't ovulate that cycle. You could potentially ovulate any day now!

Thank you @SunStruck & @Avocuddles 🌺

@SunStruck Better this week, thank you. You're right, focusing on other things helps. It's not easily done, I find the only way I can do it is if I really throw myself into something else and work hard. The promotion and everything involved in the process fitted in with this theme and I'm glad I've done it. Proud that the horrible events didn't stop me completely, I can still go ahead. I am also going to see a private counsellor this month, as sadly the charity waiting list is longer than they thought and no chance to start counselling with them in Jan. I'm not waiting any longer, I might be skint, but at least I'll be healthier. How have you been, sista? ❤️ Been thinking about you xxx

@Avocuddles Thank you lovely, I might be asking some questions later next year if you don't mind. In answer to your question, I think we'll try to get as many tests done on the NHS as possible when our 12 months is up, but I am getting ready financially to go private and have a full round of tests (perhaps more comprehensive?) than on the NHS. It's not ideal, but hey ho, it might help, so I'll give it a go. I need to check the terms of my new private healthcare cover too, I suspect all things fertility and pregnancy-related will be exempt, but I'll wait for my new contract and package to check this.

I'd be exactly the same as you if I had read those boards, don't worry. I avoid them cause they're frankly annoying. It's like my BF recently moaned to me about how nauseous and tired she is after her perfect 12 week scan. She's 5 years younger than me and conceived in the first month of trying. I just gave her THE look and that was enough 😂😂😂 I think a loooooot of people do not realise just how lucky they are they've never been through what we've been through. I often find myself having a patronising approach to them on the inside (never openly), I listen to this and in my head I'm like "yeah, alright love, you clearly haven't lived long enough yet" 😂 xxx

Also, thought of the day: do you find yourselves surrounded by emotional vampires at times? I have just realised that someone in my circle is really draining my positive energy and I'm going to have to limit my contact with her. Literally, never happy and taking it all out on me. I'm so much more tuned in now because I know I need to look after myself, I can't get over how some people throw the weight of their world at you at times when you're carrying a heavy load already 🙄 xxx

I really now believe in cutting those people out @MrsMGE. I don’t bother with the friends who only talk about themselves, I don’t make an effort with the ones who don’t call / text me, I don’t spend time with the ones who make me feel bad. I think recognising them is the first step! x

@MrsMGE your preparations sound very sensible. I'm relatively fortunate that the NHS are happy to keep treating me in spite of having now conceived twice within the past 8 months - I think being over 35 is a contributory factor, as is my complex medical history in terms of clotting, but we have made sure we have sufficient savings for if we do end up needing private support.
I have BUPA cover through work but it doesn't cover anything fertility related.

Ha yes I get you completely re feeling 'patronising on the inside'. I envy the naivety of those who have never experience loss, but do find myself having to bite my tongue to avoid ruining the illusion....

I have definitely known some emotional vampires in my time and have cut back contact with some of them.

One close friend has been incredibly needy and draining over the past few years, however she recently gave birth to her first child and has actually been really kind and compassionate through my losses and beyond. The first time I told her about our fertility struggles was on the day she told me she was pregnant (I got emotional....), and when I then conceived and lost my pregnancies I saw a whole new side to her where she was offering me support for once. The people who are worth having in your life are the ones that can put their own needs aside when yours are greater - if your 'friend' has remained focused on herself when you clearly carry a heavy load it sounds very wise to not invest your own precious time in her.

(On a completely unrelated note the expression emotional vampires reminded me of the tv series What We Do In The Shadows - I'd highly recommend it to anyone looking for something new to watch, I found it hilarious!)

The woman who laughed when I’d told her I’d had a MC messaged me today. She does message me occasionally and I am friendly in my replies but don’t suggest meeting up or anything now. Anyway we exchanged messages tonight and she asked if DH and I had discussed TTC again. I thought she knew from our last conversation that we were TTC but anyway I couldn’t bring myself to discuss that with her and (once again) decided to be honest! I just said since you mention it I was upset last time we met as I told you I’d had a miscarriage and your reaction was to laugh out loud and then go on to tell me you are pregnant (abridged version)

Is it wrong of me to be honest??

This is one of those toxic people we talked about. I don’t know her well and she seems like a nice person but she was so insensitive that day. For all I know she’s often like that! I’ve only met her about four times (she lost a baby around the same time we lost our daughter...)

@Avocuddles It’s nice when people surprise us pleasantly by being supportive!

@ReeRi definitely not wrong of you - if she feels uncomfortable then that's only a small proportion of how she made you feel!

She said she’s sorry and the only reason she asked about symptoms is she was worrying about her own pregnancy. (She has laughed and then asked what my symptoms were and then told me she was pregnant). I’m glad I said something. If our friendship flourishes now then great! But I couldn’t talk to her otherwise as it was bothering me. When she asked me about TTC tonight I thought no way can I discuss that with her after the way she was last time!

@ReeRi You were right to tell her, she shouldn't have done that and she needs to know the boundaries. It was clearly bothering you so it's the right thing to do to let it off your chest. If her behaviour improves, good, if not or if she disappears from your life, well c'est la vie, it's not your loss.

@Avocuddles That's an interesting story, do you think she's become less selfish after having a baby because she's learning to focus on someone else's needs? It's good that she's been a source of support to you, never too much of that.

Interestingly, the woman I'm referring to is going through some fertility issues herself and I recognise this is affecting her. I've been supporting her for a long time now, but I really feel that instead of having the same supportive attitude towards me, she spills her negative emotions all over me and it's just not something I want to be going through now. Xxx

@MrsMGE I'm alright thanks, I've missed you and the girls here! You're my longest standing TTC partner in the same boat and we're very similar irl with work and pressure and just in general how we function, so it always feels like home to come on here! We have been super busy and I've not been at all healthy since we've been out eating and drinking everyday (we have had a 5 day bank holiday weekend and have friend staying over from the UK) so I feel bad about that. DH telling me December is a write off because of how many plans we have, Christmas parties and other things and I sort of agree, but I can't help getting a bit annoyed because he always says that and feels we should just 'relax'. Easy for him to say 🙄 I'm also pretty busy at work so focusing on that and to actually get my physical promotion for January (already been agreed but not public yet, and no salary raise until public). I will still give it a good go this month with OPK starting from next week and then be healthier during TWW but not holding out too much hope. First half year of next year will be quiet for us in terms of visitors and plans, so I feel I can focus 100% then also with healthYour plan sounds fab, MH is worth spending money on and so are the fertility tests at this point if you think it will put your mind to ease more x

@Avocuddles I know what you mean about those threads, I honestly don't go on other threads than this and another TTC after miscarriage thread here anymore! It always takes a while to know the people on the thread too, so there's also that 😃 I don't have anyone really IRL who understands what I'm going through apart from one, but she's also pregnant now and due in March so is sending me pics of bumps and scans. I don't mind that I get she's very happy, but it does makes me feel like I've want it too. No one else where I live is going through this though so it's hard.

@ReeRi after what you've been through her behavior is actually shocking, and it's so rude to ask if you're TTC after only meeting you 4 times?! I'm sorry to hear you have such insensitive people in your life!!!

@MrsMGE I think there is definitely an element of having someone else to prioritise having shifting my friend's perspective. She has had a tough time with her DH since the birth and has needed support with that, however she at least now frames things in the context of 'DS is my priority now', and acknowledges that she is fortunate to be in this situation and she doesn't know how she would have coped if she'd been through my journey. My answer to this is that at the end of the day I have no choice other than to deal with it!!!

It's such a shame that the woman you talk about is also experiencing fertility issues - you would hope that we fertility warriors would stick together and strive to find strength through community, not drag each other down.

@SunStruck your DH may see a busy month as a 'write off' but as long as you DTD as and when you can / feel like it then there's still a chance.... The first time I fell pregnant (after a year TTC) was ironically during the month we'd stopped trying - no OPKs, no regimented DTD, eating and drinking everything going. My GP has told me recently to try to 'relax' and park the OPKs, but I think I've become somewhat addicted to peeing on a stick. I envy so much those who've never had to worry about holding their pee or turned down an afternoon cup of tea to try to make it as strong as possible!
Like you I'm planning on making the new year my time to focus on health, starting with Dry January and maybe a return to weight watchers.

CD50 for me today! Went for acupuncture yesterday, I'm hoping that if AF is on her way that the treatment might help to hurry things along. Breaking out in loads of spots and generally feeling a bit meh so feel like hormones are in overdrive at the moment!

@Avocuddles @VenusStarr @MissSparkles81 @ReeRi
Look out for your parcels in the post sent out to you today.
Baby dust to all you lovely ladies xx

@MrsMGE I agree. I don’t know her well so for all I know she is just insensitive / only thinks of herself. I was quite prepared to block her out after what she’d done so I don’t consider it a loss I’d were not friends now. I think limiting you contact with the person you are talking about is a good idea. You don’t have to be too blunt about it (if you don’t want to be) you could just be like I was with this one and send friendly / pleasant replies to texts but not arrange to meet up...

Agree @SunStruck thought it was a bit of a forward question!

@Avocuddles I hope the acupuncture helps you this cycle.

My cycle is usually 29-30 days these days and I’m on CD33. Haven’t bothered to test again but I had about five BFNs between CD27-CD31 and think maybe I ovulated about three days late anyway

Thanks so much @Mumlili8 I’ll look out for it. It was so kind of you to send them to us

I’m not going into work today as I was a bit unwell last night (stomachache high up, back ache and then I passed out in the bathroom at one point) I feel ok but didn’t want to overdo it so I’ll stay home and wait for the postman 😆

Hi all :)

@Mumlili8 you're so kind thank you 😘

@MrsMGE congratulations on your promotion!! 🎉 Fabulous news

@Avocuddles I'm sorry to hear your cycle is out of whack, did you say you're seeing your fertility consultant soon? Hopefully you can sort out a plan.

@ReeRi sorry you're unwell, definitely have a restful day at home

👋 To everyone else, sorry I can't tag you all but hoping you're all OK xx

Update from me, had my hysteroscopy yesterday, it went well. No sign of the fibroids 🤔 but I did have a polyp removed and that's been sent off to histology (think there's a small chance of cancer with polyps but I'm not too concerned about that). So I've googled, as you do, and I am starting to think that my most recent miscarriage may have been related to that, as they can stop the blood supply. I know I'll never know for sure. I'm still waiting for my blood test results as well. No idea about the fibroid that was supposedly subserosal - I'm seeing my fertility consultant in January so hopefully we'll get a plan moving forward as we've been ttc for 2 years now. One of the doctors yesterday was saying 'oh you'll get your ivf funding now' as if that was the next step, but I want to try other things before we get to that point, maybe iui if we can, plus we get one fresh cycle and that's it. Plus my consultant said 'oh you don't need ivf now as you can concieve', I just need them to grow and thrive. I am feeling a bit more positive now.

Right, need to get up and migrate to the sofa ☺️ have a good day everyone xxx

Pleased you’re feeling more positive @VenusStarr

@ReeRi I hope you're feeling better this evening.

@Mumlili8 thank you so much, I'm looking forward to receiving your special delivery

@VenusStarr good to hear from you and glad it went well yesterday. My next fertility appointment is next Thursday and I'm hoping that given my current long cycle they might be willing to give me some medical help. Like you I've been told that IVF probably isn't the first port of call given that I have conceived twice, but I could definitely benefit from some support to ensure that I ovulate. I'll keep you posted as to how I get on!

@Mumlili8 thank you so much will let you know when it arrives x