TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 33- huddle up and bring on the BFP's

[Mumlili8]

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This a safe place to get and give support for everyone who has experienced the loss(es) of a pregnancy and baby. Pregnancy and child loss is the most awful thing anyone can experience and it can also be the most lonely time too. I hope you find this thread to be of some comfort.

Ladies @JuniperandRose @SunshineCrocodile no words can express. I'm so sorry you're going through such tough times, it's just indescribable. I know it's no consolation, but we all understand how incredibly difficult this is and are here for you ❤️ Know you're never alone, no matter how hard things get xxxxx

Will catch up properly later. Sorry I've been awol, work is mad this time of year.

Well bfn for me and on to next month. Gutted as my progesterone test results were perfect too.

@Mumlili8 sorry to hear about your BFN. Hopefully it might be perfectly timed for a BF Christmas P next month?

Sorry to hear that @Mumlili8

I had a BFN too and DH just had surgery today which means we can’t try again for at least 3 weeks. TBH I was so worried as I’ve had much anxiety about losing him since I lost my daughter so I am just thankful he is ok and thinking if I am not pregnant I will drink etc and enjoy Christmas as much as possible!

But I am disappointed by those tests as I had my hopes up this month

Hi girls. I nearly feel like my problem now is too small to post after reading your stories but I have nowhere else to go and get it out of the system. My work colleague is pg, told me today, and it's crushed me all over again. I put my hands up, I'm not coping with people's announcements at all, I'm not happy for them, I feel so inadequate and delayed and like it's never ever going to happen for me. I'm fed up, done. I actually don't know if I want to keep going. This whole journey has drained me, changed me to an emotional wreck and I don't like who I've become. I hate my body for not playing ball, and nothing is right in my life. Nothing. DHs family have been twats for years, my family have been twats since the MMC, the NHS neglects and dismisses how poorly I am, I have no support, I feel fat and ugly and I've just had enough. Fuck it. I'm just so, so done with everything 😢 xxx

@MrsMGE oh hun I totally understand where you are right now I echo your feelings completely. Is it possible to talk to your gp or a Councillor at all. You are always welcome to come here and explode if it helps. I too only have support here as my family is super controlling and when I said I didn't like or need it, they just stopped bothering with me altogether. DH tries but he's an aspie so finds it difficult to understand my feelings. It really does feel like we're not adequate or fail some how, wee not but it really eats at you. If you want we can pm instead.

Oh @MrsMGE I’m sorry you’re struggling but of course it’s not too small to post here. This is what this thread is about. I feel similar this weekend tbh. I actually felt hopeful I’d conceived but have had two negative tests. I feel alone. DH has two older children which were barely planned and there are only 9 months between them. That is not his fault or even a problem in itself but it just seems so unfair when I’ve tried to do everything right and now nearly 36 and had two losses this year. I also feel fat because my body changed after having a baby that I didn’t get to keep... Sorry I don’t mean to make this about me but I suppose I’m trying to show you’re not alone feeling crap and I also find it hard not to feel a bit bitter when people announce their pregnancies seemingly after no struggle but then we don’t know their stories either. I think it’s completely understandable to feel the way you do. Please don’t feel alone. If you ever don’t want to post on here but want to let off steam then PM me any time

Also if you feel like taking a break then do. I am going to take December off if I haven’t conceived this cycle and just enjoy myself with a few drinks and the jacuzzi, steam room etc...

You are not inadequate and odds are it will happen for you, it might just take more time but that won’t matter once you get to that stage xx

Oh @Mumlili8 @ReeRi thank you so much, you can't imagine how much you've helped me just now. It's another rock bottom day and I'm angry because only few days ago I was so proud of myself that this time AF didn't trigger me. It clearly did again, or maybe it's a combination of this and her announcement, I don't know. Both are my known triggers and in a typically cruel twist of fate, if one didn't get me this month, another one did.

It feels like this is never going to end. I even thought today that if someone dies, an adult, it is very difficult, but the grief does for most people change over time because we have memories to treasure and cherish. For us there isn't much to cherish, sadly, and the entire future as we've known it is gone. To me it feels like there's a thick, black line, the life before baby loss and the life after, and it just will never ever be the same. I'm not the same. And the hardest thing to me now is not the loss, although this will of course never leave me, but the fact that I just don't know if it's ever going to be OK. In other words, will I ever have a baby. I'm not after a replacement, as we all know this is not possible. But I'd love to have some reassurance that the happiness is near, that this horrendous limbo and turmoil will not last for years and years. I am rock bottom now, how am I meant to go on without any guarantees. Isn't it just the cruellest thing, to have the most precious of gifts taken away first, and then to suffer again and again, either even more losses or not even being able to conceive. No one told me that baby loss wouldn't kill me once, there and then, but every single month ever since, now shifting onto inability to conceive. How are we all here and why is this all happening? How to go through this and not end up insane? I thought I had some ideas, but it's all BS.

I booked a private counsellor, she can see me in 10 days' time, better than nothing. I just don't know where I'm going with this anymore.

I had some wine tonight, courtesy of Sainsburys, only two large glasses, and watch this space, I was sick and sick again. Either there was something wrong with it or it's stress, I think. I can't even have blimming wine now, turns out, WTAF. Officially, game over. Xxx

I can identify with what you say about dealing with a loss but then not knowing whether you will ever have a healthy baby. I can accept that my daughter is not here most of the time. I hate that that happened and sometimes I find it difficult to deal with but I know I can’t do anything about it and I carry on. You are right that this ongoing mountain climb of trying to have another baby and not knowing if it will happen is so very difficult. It’s quite isolating as well sometimes as TTC and evening the losses themselves are not things that we discuss much, for me anyway. All I can say is I know some days are worse than others and if this is “a bad day” then I hope it passes. I do li the buddhist adage “This too shall pass” as whatever happens we won’t always feel the way we do today xxx

Hope you are ok @Mumlili8

@MrsMGE I echo everything you just said with the exception of the wine because I don't drink. Seeing the counsellor I hope will be helpful maybe just getting it all out will help you heal

@ReeRi I will be eventually. I'm struggling with the last 3 years of hope and 8 losses and now it seems I have Asherman's syndrome and can't conceive at all. It's just one down poor after another. Thanks for asking though

I’m sorry @Mumlili8 I’m not sure there’s anything I can say to help and I don’t know much about it but share as much as you like and remember we are here whenever you want to let it some steam x

Ah, @MrsMGE, it's not about whose immediate problems are worse - I completely understand what you're saying having spent over 2 years between MMC and conceiving again and remember the black hole of loss, rage, pain and uncertainty around ever having a child and it is beyond shit. I am lucky and do now have DC and while the misery of conceiving and losing subsequent babies is still grim, it's a thousand miles away from how it felt to go through it without knowing if children were in the future at all.

Sorry, I don't know if I'm helping or hindering here - I don't want to be that insensitive idiot who rubs their dc in your face - I just wanted to let you know that I get it. It's not a small problem, it's something that's with you every second and you never know when you'll run into an announcement or a bump and it'll bring everything crashing down. You don't have to be happy for other people, it's not your responsibility to be and why should you be when their good news underlines your loss?

Im glad you have counselling booked and hope it helps. Here if you need, any time - that's what a space like this is for.

@ReeRi I'm sorry to hear it sounds like a bfn this cycle - is there still a chance of having caught late ovulation?

@Mumlili8 I don't know anything about Ashermans but I'm sorry to hear about the possible diagnosis. Is there anything they can do in terms of treatment if that's the case?

I didn't go to EPU in the end. The bleeding just suddenly slowed very abruptly just as I was getting ready to go, I phoned them back and they said I was still welcome to go in but it sounded like mc had completed. Minimal bleeding since then so I think all is ok physically now.

@ReeRi @Mumlili8 @SunshineCrocodile Thank you so much for taking time to write back ❤️ Nothing can make these feelings better, but it's very clear to me that you are all too familar with them and if I can be completely honest, it helps to know that we're all still here and we will keep going. I read your stories and each of them broke my heart to pieces in different ways and I must admit, my immediate thoughts were that you are amazing that you're carrying on, with everything - life, supporting others, TTC. It takes a huge amount to carry on. I know it's a bittersweet thing to hear, but you are an inspiration and your resilience and strength is totally admirable. It probably doesn't help you in dealing with your own rock bottom days to know this, but people don't always understand how hard it is, especially further down the line at the time when "the grief should settle down". People don't often ask how we really are or tell us we're doing well - I've certainly fallen victim to that assumption that I'm totally fine on the outside now. So I wanted you to know that I genuinely have so much appreciation for you for being in that very lonely and scary place that not many people ever go to or fully understand, and for the fact you hold your heads high and keep going. I understand your pain, but of course its multiplicity and/or the timing of your loss/es and the follow up struggle makes it extreme. I really think the experiences you've had and are still going through are the hardest thing in life, ever. Know that I'm your biggest cheerleader, and I think we all are on this thread 🌺🌺🌺 Even me with my painfully realistic approach and tendency to feel awfully dark for at least a week every month after a trigger, at all times I have a glimmer of hope in my heart that all of us will end up being happy mums. We got to pick each other up and hold on to it, especially when it feels it's too much sometimes ❤️❤️❤️ xxx

@MrsMGE sorry that you've been feeling low :( I think the private counsellor next week will do the world of good. My company has an independent counselling service and I am booked in to talk with one of them soon.

With regards to the gried settling down, I am still early stages and everyone still being supportive and understanding but I can see that after a while people are expected to not have any sad thoughts about it. Sounds like that's what you are experiencing:(

@Anny27 Yes, I guess people "run out of words" at some point and some expect that you'd naturally get better. Which you do in terms of accepting the loss as we've all said before. The difficult part is that the loss makes you want to be pregnant again and fast, and when it doesn't happen, the feeling of loss and hopelessness hits you over and over again. I didn't expect that at all and people don't know how it feels therefore are not really there to support you. It's hard to hear that I got pg quickly, so it's just a matter of time and patience. It just doesn't help, it's a binary situation, you're either pg again and feel better, or you're not and it's very upsetting. One thing I would say to you now that I wish someone told me at the beginning of my journey post loss is not to expect anything and life will be so much easier for you then. I had this excitement and faith that things will be pretty easy in terms of conceiving again and that there are things I can do to improve my chances etc. The fact is, it's a lottery so it's best not to start the journey expecting anything. The numbers are on our side as it seems pretty much everyone conceives within 2 years post loss according to the NHS, but this can feel like an extremely long time because you've already been on this road and you can never go back to how things were before. Of course there's also a risk things may go wrong again as some of us sadly experienced. But I guess you need to approach it one step at a time and not worry about every single thing at once. Try not to overthink how you might be feeling later on, and in any event, you might be lucky to catch again quickly and it makes life quite a bit easier then. Xxx

@MrsMGE hi hun. Your post today does sound a little lighter (or am I totally of the mark) and I'm glad to here you still have the spark of hope. I think as long as you till have that you can climb back up. You really are stronger than you know. And we're all here to help you tread water when your tired and want to stop. I mean that to every lady here. We're all fighters and we will continue and hopefully in time we will all cradle our rainbows, but while we're waiting we will hold each others hands.

Baby dust and sticky baby glue to all you lovely ladies xx

Hi @Mumlili8. Thank you. Maybe a tiny bit better, but I know from previous times it will take longer to build myself back up. It's like I'm strong and getting on with things for 3 weeks and then there's a week or two when I come crashing down due to AF and seemingly everyone around me being pregnant all at once. I have never in my life had so many pregnant friends, colleagues and acquaintances all at once, honest truth - I've counted. It's not just me noticing them, it must be our age. Typically, out of the whole lot I am the only one making the MC statistic whilst everyone else is glowingly sailing through.

Can I ask the ladies who managed to get pg again after their loss(es), is there anything you did differently in that cycle/s? I know some of you are still waiting for your raimbows, but my question is in relation to the conception cycle only, not in relation to the outcome of the following pregnancy. I'm just out of my mind as to what to do to get the two lines tbh. Xxx

Hi everyone ❤️

Please could I join?!

Josie510
Age 29
TTC number 1 since Dec 18
I’ve had 1 x chemical (March 19) and 2 weeks ago had a MC at 10 weeks after seeing a heartbeat at 8 weeks 💔

I’ve been following your stories for a little while and it honestly warms my heart how strong and supportive you all are!

I wanted to ask your advice if that’s okay? I had a natural MC 2 weeks ago after a few days of bleeding when I was 10 weeks. I actually ended up loosing the baby on a plane on the way back from NY which was horrendous and definitely the worst day of my life so far. I had a scan just over a week ago as I was still bleeding heavily and had a lot of pain but thankfully they said everything had passed and the bleeding has slowed quite a lot since. I did a test this morning which was still strongly positive, I was just wondering how long it took you all for the bleeding to stop and get a negative test? And how long you left it before calling back the EPU?

I was also wondering if any of you have any experience of being seen at a Tommy’s miscarriage research centre? I was looking on their website and they strongly believe women should be investigated after ‘only’ 2 losses. From what it says the criteria has recently changed and you can be referred by your GP to either the centre in Coventry if local or to Birmingham (from anywhere in the UK) after 2 miscarriages. My GP is happy to refer but was wondering if anyone had any experience of actually getting an appointment or them agreeing to see you and investigate?

Sorry for all the questions and thanks in advance ❤️

@MrsMGE not sure this will help as it's specific to PCOS but the only thing that I directly credit with changing things after first MMC was Clomid. I had to fight tooth and nail for a diagnosis to begin with, despite textbook pcos blood results, scans, (all of which I had to ask for following my own research) long anovulatory cycles, obviously lack of conception they just wouldn't give me the diagnosis until I literally refused to leave the office until I was listened to. I was about 90 days into a cycle at that point and pretty close to the edge, had all my results and cross referenced them with diagnosis criteria and NICE guidelines and in the end they admitted defeat and gave me progesterone to kick off a new cycle and Clomid. Boom, pregnant with twins within 28 days. (Had also tried acupuncture, red clover, agnus castus, yam and had a hycosy by this point and nothing had helped).

Weirdly my cycles have regulated themselves somewhat since I had DC (closer to 40 than 90 days) and am clearly ovulating as have had several pregnancies in fairly quick succession. Just can't get them to stick. I wonder about baby aspirin, have seen contradictory reports but as my pregnancies fail just as the placenta should be taking over I wonder if that would help. Interested to know if anyone has any info!

@Josie510 sorry, cross posts - I'm so sorry for your losses and especially for how traumatic it it must have been for you on the plane, it's awful enough at home. Just wanted to hug you reading that!

My last MMC was also natural and at around the same dates as yours and it took me 3 weeks to stop bleeding. Tested negative on a cheapie after 4 weeks but positive about a week and a half later on a frer - that may or may not have been a chemical, AF arrived immediately afterwards anyway.

Afraid I can't help re the RMC or Tommy's but hopefully someone will have some helpful advice!

@ReeRi @ChangeyMcChangeChange @SunshineCrocodile @Anny27 @MissSparkles81 @Avocuddles @MrsMGE
Thank you so much for your kind words. This thread really is a lifeline. It’s so helpful to be able to express things to people who understand. DH said the other day that he feels like an exhibit in a zoo at the moment, with people just looking at him from behind glass.

Hi @Josie510 welcome. I'm sorry for your losses ❤️ I just wanted to jump on to reply to you about Tommy's clinic in Birmingham. I'm currently having tests after 'only 2' MMCs. It was a 4 month wait but I managed to get a cancellation (first appointment was supposed to be in January). We had a good discussion with the consultant and I'm waiting for my blood results. If they show up something I'll have another set. We've got a review in February (first appointment was end of October). So not sure what happens next, but we are allowed to ttc again and if we concieve ill have an early scan at 6 weeks. I'm glad your GP will refer. We're under Birmingham Women's Hospital for fertility support so our consultant referred us on.

Hope everyone is OK, I'm still quietly reading. My hysteroscopy is on Wednesday. I've been proactive and signed up to slimming World this morning, horrified at my start weight but that's why I'm there I guess. This year has not been kind to me and I'm realising I've not been kind to myself.

Once my operation is out the way we'll be ttc and hopefully I'll be able to come back to the chat properly. X

@SunshineCrocodile how are you today?
@MissSparkles81 I hope that the tests are moving in the right direction. Not that any of us here hopes for a bfn of course, but these times put us in situations which don’t make any sense.
@ReeRi I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a smooth recovery for your DH and a gentle December for you both
@MrsMGE for what it’s worth I think it is completely natural to feel any and all of those things. The counselling sounds like a good move, I hope that you find it helpful. I can empathise with family who had previously been generally ok just not being supportive after baby loss. I don’t have any advice, and I don’t think i am handling it particularly well myself, so I’ll just send you a solidarity hug.